Situation Room – White House
March 4, 2019
Trump: Okay, you all know why we’re here. It’s been three weeks since I declared a National
Emergency and so far it’s been a dud.
Miller told me that there would be anti-immigrant riots by now.
Aide 1: Hey, where
is Steve?
Trump: [Angrily] Not
coming.
Aide 2: We know it’s
been disappointing so far, but we’re confident that after the first court
hearings there should be a surge …
Trump: Court? I might be dead by then. We need something fast, before you know who
starts FedExing indictments.
Aide 1: What did
you have in mind, boss?
Trump: Fortunately,
someone around here has been thinking.
Tell them what you’ve got, kid.
Aide 3: We seize a
television show. Not just any show. Saturday Night Live!
Aide 2: We’ve been
through this, boss. You can’t shut down
the show because they make fun of you.
Trump: I know. We’ve got something better. Tell them.
Aide 3: We’ll call
it an anti-trust action.
Trump: Hear
that? All legal.
Aide 1: Okay. I’ll bite, how is this an anti-trust action?
Aide 3: Just ask
anyone. Saturday Night Live has had a
monopoly on that time slot for like a hundred years. It’s only fair that some other show gets a
chance.
Aide 2: Actually,
about 45 years. But how are you going to seize the show?
Aide 3: The
President seems to have an idea or two about this.
Trump: Okay, you
know how they always have that loser Alec Baldwin do his pathetic imitation of
at the start of the show. Picture this:
right after the lights come on, I come out surrounded by a group of federal
agents, armed to the teeth, and I tell him: ‘This is a national emergency and …’
All: “… you’re
fired.”
Trump: See, pure
gold.
Aide 1: Okay, let’s
suppose we can get the Attorney General to write off on this, who do we put on
as a replacement?
Trump: I was thinking
Youngman.
Aide 2: Yes, it
should be a young man, sir. But should
he be …
Trump: Not a young
man! Youngman. Henny Youngman. You must have seen him. He plays the violin, tells jokes. One time we were at his show …
Aide 1: Sir.
Trump: … and he saw me
and did this whole bit on Ivana’s accent.
You should have heard him, “Eets
zo beeg.” God, I laughed so loud. Ivana, though, she …
Aide 1: Sir!
Trump: [Annoyed] What?
Aide 1: I’m pretty
sure that Henny Youngman is dead.
Aide 3: [looking at
his phone] He’s right, sir. It says here he died in 1998.
Trump: 1998? So that’s why he couldn’t do my inaugural. Okay,
I’ll leave it to you guys to work out the details. “Outnumbered” is coming on. [Walks out,
closing door behind him.]
Aide 2: So how did he
find you? Did you win a contest or something?
Aide 3: Most Re-tweets
– January 2019. And you?
Aide 2: October
2018. How about you?
Aide 1: Well, let's just say my Uncle Vladimir knows a guy, who knows a guy ...
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