Melania: How Many Years Will Donald Get?

The White House

March 8, 2019

Attorney:  I was a little surprised to get your call, Mrs. Trump.  Counsel to the First Lady is normally just a ceremonial post.  What can I do for you?

Melania:    So you are a real attorney, right?  And our conversation is private, right?

Attorney:  Yes and yes.

Melania:    Okay, how many years will Donald get?

Attorney:  What?

Melania:    How many years?

Attorney:  I am afraid I do not understand what you are referring to, Mrs. Trump.

Melania:    Look.  I know everyone thinks I’m dumb, but I read the papers.  I see that everyone thought that awful Manafort person was going to spend the rest of his life but he only got 4 years.  So that’s why I want to know: how many years will Donald get?

Attorney:  Well, you see Mrs. Trump, Mr. Manafort was convicted in federal court of a crime, and then pleaded guilty to further charges.  Whereas, the President has not even been formally charged with any …

Melania:    How many years?

Attorney:  I know you want a legal opinion, and I could only speculate because …

Melania:    [Screaming] How many years?

Attorney:  Okay, okay.  As I see it, the President faces the most exposure on obstruction of justice charges.  So assuming he was convicted, and assuming he received as generous a sentence as Mr. Manafort, I would say he’s looking at about 2 years.

Melania:    [Panicked] 2 years!  2 years!  That’s all?

Attorney:  Again, that’s all speculation, but, yes, I would say about 2 years.

Melania:    But I’ll still be young when he gets out, and he’ll still want to … Oh god, this is a disaster!

Attorney:  [Tugging at collar] I must say, Mrs. Trump, this is a highly irregular conversation, so …

Melania:    What if I talked to Mr. Mueller?

Attorney:  [Panicked] Excuse me?

Melania:    What if I talked to this Mr. Mueller?  I know things.  Do you think Stormy Daniels was the only bimbo he paid off?

Attorney:  Mrs. Trump, technically, I am on the White House staff, so it would be a conflict of interest for me to reach out to the Mueller investigation.

Melania:    Fine, fine, I’ll just have to find someone else.  [Muttering angrily] 2 years!

Attorney:  Good day, maam.  [Hurries to door]

Melania:    [On phone]  Hello, can you get me Hillary Clinton?  She’s an attorney, right?