White House
March 26, 2019
Attorney: Well, Mrs. Trump, I was surprised that you
called me, because during our last conversation …
Melania: Two years!
You told me he was going to jail for at least two years!
Attorney: [nervous laughter] Actually, Mrs. Trump, I
think there were a lot of ‘ifs’ in that assessment. But, fortunately, Mr. Mueller did not see fit
to charge the president with any crimes, so …
Melania: So, what?
Nothing? That’s it?
Attorney: Yes, ma’am.
Big win for the president. Yippee.
[Pantomimes a “Tiger” fist pump.] Big
win.
Melania: How can this be? What’s wrong with that Mueller person? Donald is guilty.
Attorney: But …
Melania: But nothing.
Last week he said to me, ‘where’s the boy? I need to see the boy.’
Attorney: The boy?
Melania: Barron.
His son – I’m not sure he knows his real name. So anyway, he tells Barron, ‘Listen, son,
Daddy might have to go away for a while.
But don’t worry, my lawyers and your big brother Don will take care of
everything.’
Attorney: And …?
Melania: And what? ‘My lawyers and your big brother Don,’
that was it. ‘Daddy has to go away for a
while?’ What does that sound like to
you? He knows he’s guilty.
Attorney: Well, Mrs. Trump, you really don’t have any
proof there. Anyway, Mr. Barr has
already said …
Melania: Mr. Barr?
Who’s Mr. Barr? I though Mueller
was the one investigating.
Attorney: He was, but he left the decision up to Mr.
Barr, the Attorney General, and Mr. Barr decided not to charge the President. Again, big win.
Melania: This is a nightmare. If he went to jail, I could divorce him and
get out of that prenup. How can I reach
this Mr. Barr? Maybe I could convince
him …
Attorney: Again, Mrs. Trump, I need to remind you that
I am an employee of the White House, so it might be more appropriate if …
Melania: I know, I know. Leave.
Get out.
Attorney: [Runs to the door]
Melania: [To herself] Mr. Barr, I wonder if he’s Roseanne’s
husband?
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