Trump Looks Up Collusion

March 23, 2019

Outside Oval Office

Jared:  [Runs up and catches breath] What happened?  Why did you call me?

WH Aide:  This is bad, Mr. Kushner.  He accidentally held his finger on the word “collusion” for too long and a definition popped up.  Ever since he read that he just keeps muttering something over and over.  Maybe you can snap him out of it?

Jared:  I’ll try.  [Turns and enters Oval Office]

Trump:  [Looks up from his phone]  Jared!  I’m glad you’re here.  Listen to this, “Collusion: secret agreement or cooperation especially for an illegal or deceitful purpose.”  Did you know that was what collusion meant?

Jared:  So, what did you get Barron for his birthday?

Trump:  Who?

Jared:  Barron.  Your son.

Trump:  My wife took care of that … um …

Jared:  Melania.

Trump:  I know.  I know.  But did you hear me, “secret agreement or cooperation especially for an illegal or deceitful purpose.”  Isn’t that what we did?

Jared:  [Nervous laughter]  Wha-at?  No!  When?

Trump:  All those times I kept saying over and over, “No collusion.  No collusion.”  I must look like a real dope.

Jared:  Not at all, sir.  The latest polling shows that you are still holding strong among white voters with a 6^th grade education.

Trump:  I mean, why else would I have hired Manafort?  Do you think I should say something? 

Jared:  No-o-o.  What for?

Trump:  But I said it over and over again.  I’m sure I could come up with something smart sounding on how I didn’t know what the word meant.

Jared:  [Stops to think for a second]  Sir, I forgot to tell you.  There is a problem with the sprinkler system at Mar-A-Lago, so you might not be able to get a round in this Friday afternoon.

Trump:  [Suddenly incensed]  What?  Why wasn’t I told about this?  Which one of our cabinets handles water?  Interior?  [Picks up phone]  Get me FEMA, now!

[Jared slips out of office and gives WH aide the a-ok signal.]