Washington-Moscow
March 13, 2020
Trump: Vlad,
are you there?
Putin: Yes,
Donald, I am here. What is the trouble? My aide tells me you sounded upset.
Trump: I am, Vlad. You see – and by the way, I still
think it’s really cool that you let me call you Vlad – you must have been
reading about this whole coronavirus thing.
I’m not sure I said it right.
Putin: You
said it perfectly, Donald. But what is
the problem?
Trump: It’s
just that after that whole impeachment thing blew over it looked like I was
finally going to have some fun as president, like we talked about, but now,
everyone is mad at me again. I mean, how
was I supposed to know that this thing in China might spread across the world?
Putin: Yes,
Donald, that does not look good. It is
too bad that you did not have an agency in place to identify potential global
health problems and so your country could be ready to react. We, for example, have …
Trump: Vlad,
I have to interrupt you. That’s just it,
we did, but I got rid of it – or at least that’s what they tell me.
Putin: Oh,
that is bad, Donald.
Trump: And
then my dopey son-in-law told me I should give a speech to calm everyone down,
but it was a disaster. The stock market
fell by like a zillion points.
Putin: I
know that is what everyone is saying, but I saw the speech Donald and I thought
you did well. [Snickering in background]
Trump: Gee,
thanks. Really?
Putin: Yes,
Donald. Now listen, do not get
down. I have left a trail of bodies
across Europe and Russia, but this week they made me ‘President-for-Life.’ Things will look up.
Trump: Do
you think so?
Putin: I
do. And once our plan works out we will
look back on the ‘Chinese flu’ and laugh.
Trump: Um,
Vlad.
Putin: Yes,
Donald.
Trump: I know
we have been over this before, but I really think it would help me out if I knew
just what our plan is. You keep
promising to tell me.
Putin: Soon,
Donald, very soon.
Trump: Okay. Well, it was nice talking to you Vlad. And Melania sends her best.
Putin: I
know Donald.
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