Is Bolton Jewish?

White House

January 29, 2020

As revelations from John Bolton’s forthcoming book continue to threaten all hope for a swift, witness-free impeachment trial, White House advisers are working feverishly on a campaign to regain control of the narrative.

“Tell me again, why is the Bolton news so damaging?”

“Do we have to go through this again?   It’s simple, for weeks we have been repeating again and again that when President Trump spoke with President Zelensky about opening an investigation of Bursima that his only concern was corruption in Ukrainian politics; that when he delayed delivering military aid that Congress had authorized, his only concern was corruption in Ukrainian politics.  Got it?  The President told Bolton, to his face, that his only real concern was getting dirt that could embarrass Joe Biden.  Got it?”

“Can’t we just deny it?  I mean, remember when Mr. Trump denied that he was mocking that crippled guy [Imitates Trump imitating NYT journalist Serge Kovaleski] [Laughs weakly]  Those were the days.”

“That’s been our plan when the only witnesses were all those women who probably scare a lot of our voters.  But this is John Bolton – one of ours.”

“Is Bolton Jewish?”

“What?  No!  What?”

“We could ask the ‘Dancing Bears’ to include Bolton in their next Soros piece.  You know, Soros and Bolton, working hand-in-hand behind closed doors to undermine American sovereignty and replace hardworking …”

[Yelling]  "No!  I told you, Bolton isn’t Jewish.  He’s from a white, blue-collar family in Baltimore.  He could be a deplorable.”

“Is he a Mason?”