Trump: Lev Who?

White House

Washington, DC

January 16, 2020

Aide:  Sir, as I think you understand [coughs awkwardly] our plans for a smooth impeachment trial have been upset by all the news concerning Mr. Parnas.

Trump:  Who?

Aide:  Lev Parnas, sir, the gentleman Mr. Guiliani engaged to help him with the Ukrainian … um … ‘situation.’

Trump:  Never met him – never heard of him.

Aide:  As you have said before, sir, but I was hoping you could help us to understand some other information that seems to [coughs awkwardly] contradict these assertions.

Trump:  You mean all that garbage on the fake liberal media.

Aide:  There is that, but then again, sir, can you explain this picture of you standing next to Mr. Parnas with his arm around you?

Trump:  Are you sure that’s not a cardboard cutout of me?

Aide:  Quite sure.

Trump:  Well it was probably in the receiving line at some fundraiser.  I think any schmo who forks over enough money is guaranteed a picture.  And I don’t talk to most of them, so couldn’t we say we never met?

Aide:  Okay, not bad.  But how about this photo of you standing next to Mr. Parnas as he hands Barron a birthday present.

Trump:  Who?

Aide:  Barron.

Trump:  Never met him – never heard of him.

Aide:  He’s your son.  Barron Trump.  And it would seem that someone invited Mr. Parnas to your son’s birthday party.

Trump:  Oh, right.  Melania’s kid.   I don’t know, maybe he crashed the party.

Aide:  But your hand is on his shoulder.  And there do not appear to be many guests, so wouldn’t you have to have met him?

Trump:  Hey, I’m pretty sure I had a lot of President stuff on my mind that day, so maybe I didn’t notice him.

Aide:  [Takes a deep breath] Okay [checking off box], we’ll have to work on that one.

Trump:  [Angrily] Is that it?

Aide:  Not exactly.  Then there is this photo of you, Mrs. Trump, and Mr. Parnas sitting around a table in your pajamas drinking coffee.  Do you recall this, Mr. Trump?

Trump:  Um … um … gee, great shot of Melania.  Right?

Aide:  Yes, well that is not quite the point, is it?  And besides the intimate setting, you appear to be sliding a pile of cash in Mr. Parnas’s direction.

Trump:  Yeah, that Melania, she’s one looker.  I mean … [tugs collar] … when she’s in the room, I don’t notice anyone else in the room, or what I’m doing.

Aide:  [On phone] Get me Sen. McConnell on the phone and see how that thing with the witnesses is going.