Refugees to be Bused in to Pad Trump Crowd

Washington, DC

July 4, 2019

White House officials are remaining tight-lipped about rumors that detained Central American refugees are being transported en masse to Washington, DC, to give the appearance of a large crowd for President Donald Trump’s controversial “Salute to America” speech on the Mall.  An ICE official, speaking off the record, confirmed the operation.

  -  When we got the word we were in a panic, but the guy at the White House said that they can’t drum up any enthusiasm for the event.  State RNCs couldn’t give away tickets that included all-expense paid trips!  So some smart guy thought, ‘Hey, as long as we have tens of thousands of people locked up …’

  -  So are tens of thousands of immigrants are on their way?

  -  That’s classified.

  -  But won’t thousands of Hispanics look a bit suspicious in the crowd?

  -  We plan to give them all MAGA hats with extra long bills and huge American flags.

  -  Aren’t you worried that they are all going to escape?

  - [Wipes forehead.] Yup, you could say that is a concern.  The plan is to cordon off several areas with electronic fences.  And don't forget the tanks.  [Nervous laughter]  But we’re still spitballing ideas.

  -  And how do the refugees feel about this?  Are they really going to cheer the man who has separated them from their children and held them in decrepit conditions?

  -  Some seemed a little suspicious that when we supplied them with toilet paper for the first time in weeks, but we are hoping that when they all get their plain hot dog and 6-ounce cup of Coke that they will feel ready to let out a whoop.