Washington, DC - Oval Office
April 27, 2020
Trump: Jared,
come on in.
Kushner: Thank
you for seeing me, sir. Ivanka said you
were a little down.
Trump: You
know, Jared, I understand everyone’s laughing at me. But …
Kushner: [Interrupts]
Don’t worry, sir, I’m sure that whole ‘bleach thing’ will pass over.
Trump: [Surprised] Bleach thing?
Kushner: [Nervously]
You know, sir, your … um … sarcastic remarks about injecting bleach into the
body, which, um, everyone knows you can’t do because … because … um
Trump: Yeah, I
zinged those reporters good, huh. Wait, you think people are laughing at me because of that?
Kushner: [Even
more nervously] Well, sir, a few people thought … um … that maybe … um …. Well,
sir, why don’t you tell me why you think they’re laughing at you.
Trump: Didn’t
you read the news over the weekend?
Kushner: Yes,
sir.
Trump: Then
isn’t it obvious? [Points to headline: “First Lady Melania Trump Celebrates 50th Birthday”]
Kushner: Now I
think I understand. But don’t worry, sir,
I’m sure that when this whole pandemic is over you will be able to throw her a
big party that will …
Trump: No! You don’t get it at all. Imagine: Donald Trump – the “Donald” – married to a
50-year old woman! It’s humiliating.
Kushner: Sir,
I really don’t think that ….
Trump: [Oblivious]
And now everyone’s laughing at me. I’m
so glad my father isn’t alive to see me married to an old woman. It would kill him.
Kushner: But,
sir, didn’t your father stay married to your mother, and …
Trump: Now,
don’t worry. Melania and her kid, um,
um, …
Kushner: Barron.
Trump: Barron?
Are you sure? Don’t worry, Melania and Barron will
be taken care of. Then, it’s time for
the Donald to bring in a new model. I’m thinking
I should go back to a blond this time.
Kushner: Do
you think now is the time to be thinking about this?
Trump: Of
course, now is the time to be thinking about this. It’s gotta take place before the election. At first I thought I’d play the swinging
bachelor for a while, but then it came to me.
Imagine this: we could double up the inauguration with a presidential
wedding. I’m sure that will bring in
bigger crowds than the Kenyan got.
Kushner: [Gulps] And who are you going to marry?
Trump: Don’t
you worry about that. I’ve got Junior
and Eric narrowing down candidates. But
I’ve got an important job for you.
Kushner: [Gulps] Yes, sir.
Trump: I want you
to break the word to the current Mrs. Trump.
Kushner: [Shocked]
Me. Why me? Um …
um … um … what do I tell her?
Trump: You’re
a smart guy. I trust you to come up with
something good. But between me and you,
you might want to remind her that Homeland Security is still looking into whether
she worked back in the 90s when she was here on a tourist visa. Okay.
Run along. Hannity’s coming on.
[Kushner exits into hallway hyperventilating. Walks by Vice President Pence, Chief of Staff
Meadows, Mitch McConnell and Ivanka Trump hiding behind a corner.]
Pence: Well,
did you tell him that I’ll be doing the coronavirus briefings from now on? Jared?
Where are you running to? Get
back here, Kushner!
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