Paris, France
April 15, 2019
Aide: President
Macron, I am afraid that I have some more bad news. Mr. Trump is on the
phone.
[Macron wearily
gestures acknowledgement]
Trump: [Upbeat] Hello Emmanuel!
Macron: Hello Donald.
Trump: Emmanuel, I saw
all the pictures of your beautiful cathedral. It’s just terrible.
To think, the place where Knute Rockne gave that beautiful speech, gone.
Macron: Wrong Notre
Dame, Donald. We’ve been through that before.
Trump: Oh yeah,
right. I forgot. I’m just so torn up thinking about a distressed
building sitting on that prime piece of real estate.
Macron: That’s an odd
way of putting it, but thank you, Donald. All of France is suffering.
Trump: Well, I want
you and all of France to know that I’m here to help.
Macron: We appreciate
the offer of assistance from the American government, Donald, but I assure you that
France has ...
Trump: Government?
Who said anything about government? You’re talking with Donald J.
Trump. The Building King!
Macron: Excuse me,
Donald, I don’t understand.
Trump: Well, thanks to
that whole Mueller thing my Moscow plans are in the toilet. But now I’m
thinking, a Trump Tower in Paris! We did a little checking and we think
we can just use the same blue prints. I might need a favor or two on your zoning laws, but once that 73-story mixed-use beauty
goes up you'll forget all about that old fire trap.
Macron: But we don't
want to forget that old ... Donald, is this some kind of a joke, because ...
Trump: I know.
Great idea, right?
Macron: I can't believe ...
Trump: Listen, I guess
you’ll want to keep those old towers. That might be a problem because
usually we do knockdowns, but will just pass the costs into the management
fees.
Macron: Donald, please
stop, I ...
Trump: Wait, you
haven’t heard the best part.
Macron: I haven’t?
Trump: When people
walk into Le Trump - I already have a name for it! - the first thing they will see is
the Emmanuel Macron Coffee Shop. I’ll write into the papers that they
can’t re-sell the naming rights for 10 years.
Macron: No, Donald.
[angrily]
Trump: Okay, 15
years. But in that case ...
Macron: No, Donald.
[Louder]
Trump: Oh, I forgot,
you people call it a bistro. Don’t worry, we’ll work out all those little
details.
Macron: It’s not that,
Donald. [Screaming] It’s just ... [Hangs up phone and places face in
hands]
[Back in Washington]
Eric: Dad, did he go
for it?
Trump: Are you kidding,
he's speechless! And nice touch with that coffee shop idea. I think
that was the kicker.
Eric: Thanks, dad!
Trump: But remember,
they call it a bistro. He was really mad when I called it a coffee shop.
Eric: Sorry, dad.
[Back in Paris]
Aide: Mr. President,
are you okay?
Macron: Yes, Charles, it has
been a black day for France.
Aide: Well, the White House
is on the phone again.
Macron: [Angrily] What is it
this time, Donald?
Jared: President
Macron? Jared Kushner here. I know that this has been a terrible
day, but I want you to know that the Kushner Companies are here to help ...
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