Putin: Publish the Mueller Report Now!

Moscow
Russian Federation

April 4, 2019

Reports from Moscow indicate that President Vladimir Putin is quite upset with the delay in publishing the full text of the Mueller Report.  We had the chance to speak with one of his aides.

- Given the background, one might think that President Putin would want the Mueller Report to be suppressed.

- Not at all.  President Putin just wants to be sure that his staff get full credit for the important work they did in the 2016 election.  It’s a matter of pride.

- So you did interfere in the 2016 election?

- It’s all in the report.

- And you want this made known?

- The sooner, the better.

- But Attorney General Barr has made clear that he is going to take his time in publishing the report, and only after some major editing.

- Yes, this is upsetting.  When President Putin approved Mr. Barr the plan was that he would issue the report in full, then refuse to issue any indictments, even though the evidence is all laid out.  We are not sure if Mr. Trump or Mr. Barr has backed out.

- Wait a second?  Did you say that President Putin approved Robert Barr’s candidacy to be the Attorney General of the United States?  How could that be?

- What’s that word you use?  Oh yes, collusion.

- So what is President Putin going to do now?

- President Putin has been patient until now, but if Mr. Barr does not release the full report soon, let’s just say that Mr. Mueller did not see all the tapes from the Miss Universe Pageant.