Putin: I Feel Vindicated

Moscow, Russian Federation

April 19, 2019

As might be expected, the release of the Mueller Report was met with great expectation in the offices of the President of the Russian Federation Vladimir Putin.  We had an opportunity to speak with one of President Putin’s advisors.

-        So, the Mueller Report is finally public.  Tell me, is President Putin happy?

-        More than happy.  Ecstatic.  I have not seen him like this in a long time.

-        Really?  Many Americans think the report portrays Russia in a bad light.  Why is President Putin so happy?

-        To understand, you have to remember that before he became President, Vladimir Vladimirovich had a long career in counterintelligence.

-        I hadn’t forgotten, but go on.

-        Okay.  So the worst thing about that job, besides having to meet contacts at all hours of the night in disgusting places, is that you never get credit for your work.  You could say – how do you Americans put it – it comes with the territory, but it still gets frustrating.

-        And what does that have to do with the Mueller Report?

-        Didn’t you read it?  It is basically a testimonial to the Russian intelligence services.

-        And he is happy with that?

-        Oh, yes.  Ever since your Mr. Barr made his announcement that there would be no charges and Mr. Trump has been tweeting “No collusion” every 5 minutes, people around the world have started to doubt that Russia really helped Mr. Trump win the election.

-        And how do you know this?

-        Just last week, Frau Merkel called to apologize for doubting him.  It was humiliating.

-        But now?

-        Now, he feels – how do you Americans put it? – ah yes, vindicated.  Totally vindicated.

-        But you told me a few minutes ago that Mr. Putin was a little anxious about the report.  Why was that?

-        He was afraid that your Mr. Barr was going to edit out all the good stuff.

-        And he didn’t.

-        Well, let’s not say all the good stuff.