Trump's New Man in Moscow

Mar-a-Lago, Fl – Moscow, Russia

June 24, 2023 – 5:00 pm US EDT

Putin: Donald, I’m a little busy, what do you need?

Trump: [Breezily] Me? I don’t need a thing.

Putin: Then why are you calling?

Trump: [Nonchalant] Oh, just to say goodbye.

Putin: You sound strange, Donald.  Are you going somewhere?

Trump: Me?  I’m not going anywhere – at least not until my next court date.  But this might be our last conversation so I just wanted to say goodbye.

Putin: Well, okay then, I am sorry that you are not going to try to stick to the plan to the end.

Trump: [Snapping] Don’t try to play me, Vlad – and by the way, I still think it’s so cool that you let me call you Vlad.  I heard that you’re on your way out.  Was that part of your little “plan” I’ve heard so much about?  As soon as I get this Wagner guy’s number, I’ll let him know he's got a friend in Donald J. Trump.

Putin: Who?

Trump: [Mockingly] Who? Don’t play dumb, Vlad.  I know that this guy Wagner is leading his army to Moscow to throw you out, so I guess he’s the guy I need to be dealing with.

Putin: First of all, Donald, I think the guy you have in mind is Yevgenii Prigozhin.  He just called his little army the Vag-ner Group because he’s an opera nut.  Second, if you followed the news you’d know that …

Trump: [Interrupting] Hold on, Vlad. [Turns around putting hands over phone] Did you get the guy’s number, Junior?

Trump Jr: [Whispering] Not yet, Dad.

Trump: Well, check Vagner – I think we’ve been spelling it wrong.  [Back on line] You still there, Vlad.  I know you think you’re so smart but you just gave me a great tip. [Banging on door in the background] What the …

Putin: What’s going on there, Donald?  The FBI again?

Voices in background: [Screaming] Wait!  Stop!

Trump: Sorry, Vlad.  I might have to deal with this.  It’s been fun.  But once this Wagner, sorry, Vagner, gets things moving, maybe you can stay at my hotel in Moscow -- if you can afford it. 

[Hangs up]

Mar-a-Lago

Aide: [Catching breath] Sir, you didn’t say all those things did you?

Trump: Yeah, and did you hear that "if you can afford it"?  What a burn! 

Trump Jr: Good one, Dad.

Aide: [Shouting] What?  Everything has changed!  You’ve got to turn on the news because ….

Trump: You deal with this, Junior.  I’ve got a tee time.

Moscow

Aide: So, do we block his calls from now on?

Putin: No, this will be good.