Oval Office
November 26, 2018
Aide: And one more
thing, Mr. President.
Trump: (Visibly
annoyed) Okay, but make it quick, Jared
is on his way with my Big Mac!
Aide: Yes
sir. I am afraid it is disturbing news
about a US citizen who was killed abroad.
Trump: (Perks up) Where?
Mexico? Iran? Some other shithole country?
Aide: No sir. The young man, John Chau, was attempting to
enter North Sentinal Island illegally but unfortunately was killed on the
beach by ... ?
Trump:
(Interrupting) So no visa? No papers?
And they just killed him?
Aide: That's about
it. Now, something we need to keep in
mind ...
Trump:
(Invigorated) Get me the
ambassador on the phone, right now.
Aide: Sir?
Trump: Come one,
snap snap. I want to talk to our
ambassador to North ... Central? ... Seagull?
What was the name of this place again?
Aide: North Sentinel Island. And we don't have a diplomatic presence there
sir, in fact ...
Trump: Really? Okay, can you get me the president on the
line? I want to congratulate him.
Aide: President,
sir?
Trump: President,
king, grand poobah, whatever it is they have on that North ... North ... you
know what I'm talking about.
Aide: As I've been
trying to explain, sir, this is a small island that technically belongs to
India, but is inhabited by a small indigenous tribe that has had almost no
outside contact with the world. Mr. Chau
should have realized that they would ...
Trump: These are
my kind of people! They defend their
borders. We've got to run with this --
let those liberal mambie-pambies know we're not the only ones ready to fight
off invaders.
Aide: Sir, you
must realize that it is hard to draw a parallel between a primitive tribe of a 100 people and the richest, most
powerful country on the planet?
Trump: (walking
away from desk) I think I just heard
Jared walk in. Tell Pompeo I want to go
to this North ... um ... well, you know, and soon. (Slams door.)
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