Trump: Doc, Are You Sure It's Covid?

Walter Reed Hospital
Bethesda, Maryland
October 2, 2020

Doctor rushes into room

Doctor: What happened?  I got here as fast as I could.
Nurse: [Exasperated] Nothing happened.  Nothing has changed.  But he insisted I call you – again.
Trump: [Hoarsely] Doc?  Doc?  I’m glad you’re here.  Listen, I just have to ask you, are you sure it’s COVID?
Doctor: Quite sure.
Trump: But, maybe we should get a second opinion.
Doctor: We don't need a second opinion.  We have been through this.  You have the textbook symptoms: cough, fever, fatigue, body ache, congestion.  Then there are all the tests.  You had the rapid test, the antibody test, the viral test.  And they all tell the same story.  You have COVID.  That’s why you’re here.  End of story.
Trump: Okay, okay.  But listen, isn’t it possible that …
Doctor: [Angrily] Mr. President, this has nothing to do with bone spurs!  
Trump: Well, maybe I have that COVID thing, too, but maybe the bone spurs are making it worse?
Doctor: We have learned a lot about COVID these past few months, and I can honestly say that bone spurs might be the one condition that has absolutely NO connection with the course of the disease.  NO connection.  None.

Trump: But the fever?

Doctor: No

Trump: The fa ...

Doctor: [Shouting] NO!
Trump: [Disheartened] Yeah, alright.  But couldn’t you just write down in my record that you found bone spurs?  It would really help me out.
Doctor: I promise that before you leave a podiatrist will give you a careful exam.
Trump: That would be great.  And, doc, just one more thing [picking up phone].
Doctor: Yes, Mr. President.
Trump: Do you think you could talk with the First Lady and explain that talking to me on the phone won’t violate her quarantine?