Trump: Doc, Are You Sure It's Covid?

Walter Reed Hospital
Bethesda, Maryland
October 2, 2020

Doctor rushes into room

Doctor: What happened?  I got here as fast as I could.
Nurse: [Exasperated] Nothing happened.  Nothing has changed.  But he insisted I call you – again.
Trump: [Hoarsely] Doc?  Doc?  I’m glad you’re here.  Listen, I just have to ask you, are you sure it’s COVID?
Doctor: Quite sure.
Trump: But, maybe we should get a second opinion.
Doctor: We don't need a second opinion.  We have been through this.  You have the textbook symptoms: cough, fever, fatigue, body ache, congestion.  Then there are all the tests.  You had the rapid test, the antibody test, the viral test.  And they all tell the same story.  You have COVID.  That’s why you’re here.  End of story.
Trump: Okay, okay.  But listen, isn’t it possible that …
Doctor: [Angrily] Mr. President, this has nothing to do with bone spurs!  
Trump: Well, maybe I have that COVID thing, too, but maybe the bone spurs are making it worse?
Doctor: We have learned a lot about COVID these past few months, and I can honestly say that bone spurs might be the one condition that has absolutely NO connection with the course of the disease.  NO connection.  None.

Trump: But the fever?

Doctor: No

Trump: The fa ...

Doctor: [Shouting] NO!
Trump: [Disheartened] Yeah, alright.  But couldn’t you just write down in my record that you found bone spurs?  It would really help me out.
Doctor: I promise that before you leave a podiatrist will give you a careful exam.
Trump: That would be great.  And, doc, just one more thing [picking up phone].
Doctor: Yes, Mr. President.
Trump: Do you think you could talk with the First Lady and explain that talking to me on the phone won’t violate her quarantine?

Trump Vows to Fight Bone Spurs

White House Press Room

September 4, 2020

With great fanfare the Trump Administration surprised the assembled media at Friday's press conference by announcing a new $130 million initiative to combat bone spurs.  

McEnany: This is an issue that President Trump feels very strongly about.  With this money, the leading experts will be able to investigate new treatment options, but also study the causes.  The ultimate goal is a cure.  

Reporter:  But Kaileigh, the causes of bone spurs are pretty well known and the symptoms are usually minor and can be treated easily.  In fact, bone spurs are not really a disease that can be cured. 

McEnany:  There is debate in the medical community on these questions, but it is the consensus of the Bone Spurs Task Force the President has assembled that an influx of resources now could be decisive.

Reporter:  Wait, the "Bone Spurs Task Force"?  When was this formed?  Who is on it?

McEnany:  It's still a work in progress, but let's just say Dr. Fauci is really enthusiastic about his new role.

Reporter:  Kaileigh, this sounds like a rather cynical effort to deflect attention from the President's failure to address the coronavirus, not to mention providing legitimacy to his own embarrassing draft deferment.

McEnany:   Cynical?  Nothing could be further from the truth.  President Trump would like those who live with this affliction to know that he is on their side.  Thankfully, all of his children have tested negative.  But he will not rest until no parent has deliver that fateful news, 'son, you're ineligible for military service because of bone spurs.' 

With that, McEnany turned and left the podium as the journalists shouted questions about medical research spending priorities, what it means to test negative for bone spurs, and plans to reinstate the draft.

How The GOP Sees Fauci

Fauci:  Okay, let’s get this Zoom meeting going. Once again, for security reasons, no names and no video.  I’ll just take roll by organization.  Okay, is there anyone here from the Chinese government?
China: Here
Fauci:  Al Qaeda?
Al Qaeda: Here
Fauci:  Black Lives Matter?
BLM: Yo, Anthony!
Fauci:  Yo, yourself.  MS-13?
MS-13:  Here
Fauci:  CNN?
CNN:  Here
Fauci:  World Zionist Council?
Zionist:  Here
Fauci:  Global GLBQT Alliance
GLBQT:  Here.  Once again, Dr. Fauci, we must object to the composition of this group [silence]
Fauci:  Sorry to have to mute you – again – but we do not have a lot of time.  Before we move on to our latest progress reports, I must once again express our gratitude to the Chinese government.  I don’t think the rest of you can quite understand just what an amazing feat it was to engineer a virus that would affect one country so disproportionately.
China:  Well, we couldn’t have done it without all that environmental and public health data you provided to us.
BLM:  Hey, what did you mean when you said the rest of us wouldn’t understand?  Are you calling us dumb?
Fauci:  Far from it.  And we are also grateful to our friends at BLM.  Just when it looked like the sense of crisis in the US was waning, you revved it up again with all those protests.
CNN:  Ahem.
Fauci:  Okay, CNN, and you did a great job exaggerating the problem and undermining trust in President Trump.  Listen, we’ll never get anywhere if everyone keeps looking for credit.  Let’s agree we’ve all done a great job.  Now, then, we’ve had another great week.  The virus keeps spreading so widely that even Republican governors have started mandating masks.  This is proof on how it is possible to dismantle the framework of US constitutional rights. Pretty soon.  The US government will start to administer a vaccine our Chinese friends developed that will cripple any remaining freedom-loving instincts.  Just think, after that millions of Americans will abandon their churches and throw away their guns.  It will be just like, like, …
CNN:  Canada?
😂😂😂😂😂
Al Qaeda:  But Anthony, I thought US companies were manufacturing the vaccine?
China:  I’ll take that one.  Let’s just say that Anthony has been a great help over the years getting our people visas and grants to “perform research” in the US.  This vaccine might has well have been manufactured in Beijing.
Fauci:  And I want to thank our friends at CNN for not reporting this, even though they’ve been aware of it for years.
MS-13:  Be sure you let us know when it’s safe to invade.  I can’t wait to find that guy in Brentwood whose lawn I used to mow and tell him “¡Tú estás en California.  Habla español, motherfucker!”
Fauci:  Heh-heh-heh, have no worries, amigo.  Now, we haven’t heard anything from our Al Qaeda or Zionist friends.  Our plan will not work if you do not stick to our agreement: Al Qaeda will control the Justice Department and the Global Zionist League will control the Treasury Department in the new Global government, agreed?
Al Qaeda: …. Okay
Zionist: …. Okay
Fauci:  And while I’m not going to take you off mute, I just want to reassure the Global GLBQT Alliance that you will control the Education Department.
Zionist:  Anthony, I’m curious.  You seem to have achieved a secure position in constitutional, Jesus-loving America.  Why are you doing this?
Fauci:  Are you kidding?  I’m a scientist.  We can’t stand seeing a society based on the idea of free individuals making key life decisions.  That’s why I have made it my life’s mission to destroy it.
👍👍👍👍👍👍
Okay, that wraps up today’s meeting.  After CNN plants a few fake stories about President Trump’s head supposed ignorance of the virus we should be in great shape to move on to our next phase.  

Trump: What Do You Mean There Won't Be A Convention?

Washington, DC 

July 25, 2020

Kushner: So no one has told him yet?

Pence: Hear that laughing?  What do you think?

Kushner: Okay, I guess there’s no putting this off, but …

Pence: Get in there!  This was your bright idea so you have to take your medicine.

[Kushner enters Oval Office]

Trump: Hi Jared!  How are those grandchildren of mine?  What are those names again?  Um, Barron?  Oh, right, Melania’s kid.

Kushner: Great catch, sir.  No wonder you aced that IQ test.

Trump: You see!  I don’t know why no one believes it.

Kushner: Well, sir, there’s something else we need to talk about.

Trump: What’s that? 

Kushner: The convention.

Trump: I’ve gotta hand it to you, kiddo, that was a great idea pretending to call off the convention.  I can’t wait to see the looks on those reporters faces when we announce that the convention is back on with no masks, no rules … 

Kushner: [Trying to interrupt] Sir … 

Trump: …like you said, when all my supporters hear this they’ll all rush to Jacksonville.  It’ll be electric.

Kushner: [Louder] SIR …

Trump: And Fauci!  That little weasel.  I’ll bet he has a heart attack on the spot.

Kushner: [Screaming] SIR!

Trump: Jared, you’re all red.  What’s wrong?  [Recoils in fright] Wait you don’t have that virus do you?

Kushner: [Catches breath] No, sir.  It’s just that there isn’t going to be a convention.

Trump: What?  Wait, what do you mean no convention?  You said that announcement was all a scam to throw off the press.  Were you lying, Jared?

Kushner: [Stammers] Um, um … oh, no sir.  Not me.  If you remember – and we all know what a great memory you have – we said that it all depended on the infection numbers in Florida, and, well, I’m afraid that they do not look good.  Our experts – NOT Dr. Fauci – advised that it would be too dangerous to hold the convention.

Trump: [Crestfallen] Ah, geez.  This is a real letdown.  

Kushner: Sir, maybe it would make you feel better if you dispatched DHS agents to another city to beat up some protestors?

Trump: Nah.  Well, ask me later.  Oh, one more thing, Jared.

Kushner: Yes, sir.

Trump: Remember how you told me that all those polls that show me losing to Sleepy Joe by a mile were all fake?  That was true, right?

Kushner: Um...um...um sorry, sir, I just remembered that Vice President Pence needs me.  [Sprints from room]

White House on COVID Deaths: "They're Only Dying to Hurt the President"

White House Briefing Room

July 17, 2020

Reporter:  Kayleigh, for weeks the White House has been saying that we should not be alarmed about the rising number of COVID cases because the number of deaths is dropping.  But this week the number of deaths has started to rise noticeably.   Has this caused you to reevaluate your position?

McEnany:  We are aware that some of these figures look bad, which is why the President ordered all the data come through the White House this week.

Reporter:  And what have you learned so far?

McEnany:  We stand by our position that the pandemic is under control.  We are convinced that these people dying are only trying to embarrass the President.

Reporter:  [Gasps in the room]  How could you say that?

McEnany:  Well, we looked at the backgrounds of a few random victims yesterday.  Example A: Ms. Brenda Jones of Flagstaff, AZ.  On the face of it, she was just a 63-year old grandmother who liked baking cookies for her grandchildren, but when we delved into her social media history we saw that over the years she has “liked” posts on Earth Day, Cinco de Mayo, and Oprah Winfrey.  It’s clear that she hated Donald Trump – until yesterday, at any rate.

Reporter:  But …

McEnany:  [Interrupts] Then there’s Arthur Smith of Clear Springs, TN.  Just a 47-year old meatpacker unfortunate enough to die from COVID, right?  Not so fast.  His obituary notes that he was a lifelong union member.  Do I need to draw you a picture?

[Silence] ... Come on! He was a labor radical, possibly an Antifa activist, who was ready to do anything to hurt President Trump’s electoral chances.

Reporter:  Are you saying these people are being infected on purpose too?

McEnany:  That’s something we are looking into.  We are also looking into whether George Soros is behind this satanic plot.  But we think it's plain to see that they are choosing to die.  That's what you should be reporting.

Reporter:  Could you draw us a picture on how this is plain to see?

McEnany:  Through his leadership, President Trump has created national stockpiles of hydroxychloroquine and remdesivir, the only two known cures for COVID-19, thus paving the way to restart the economy and reopen our schools.  So the only possible explanation for anyone dying from the virus in July 2020 is that they are refusing these life-saving treatments.

Reporter:  But didn’t Dr. Fauci say that neither of these are a cure?

McEnany:  What day is it?

Reporter:  Friday, why do you ask?

McEnany:  [Looks over paper] Actually, we don’t care what Dr. Fauci says on Fridays.  Check with me again on Monday.

Kim: North Korea Cannot Help You, Donald

Pyonyang – Washington

June 3, 2020

Aide to Kim Jong-Un:  It’s him again.

Kim:  Hello Donald

Trump:  Hello Kim!  Wow, you must be really busy because I can never get through to you.

Kim:  Well, Donald, defending my noble country from the predations of the Imperialist barking dog is a full-time job.

[Both laugh]

Kim:  Anyway, Donald, I think I know why you are calling.  The answer is still no.

Trump:  [Pleading] But Kim!  Remember how I agreed to meet with you when the whole world wouldn’t say your name?  I think you owe me.

Kim:  Hey, I said thank you.  But I just don’t see how North Korea can send any troops to help you put down this insurrection you say that you are facing.

Trump:  Aw gee.  Not even a division.  I’m not sure how many men are in a division but it can’t be too many.

Kim:  No, Donald.

Trump:  It wouldn’t need to be for too long.  I know you guys are really sneaky, so you could probably be in and out in no time.

Kim:  [Testily] Why do say we are “really sneaky?”

Trump:  [Nervously] Um … well … I’m not sure, but come on, my own Defense Department doesn’t want to let me use any of our troops. There's an angry mob right outside my window.  If this goes on, I’m going to look like a dope.

Kim:  Well, let's say I was able to send over a team, I know that you are still dealing with the Chinese virus there.  Would you have masks for my men?

Trump:  Couldn’t you bring your own?

Kim:  Goodbye, Donald

[Dial tone]

Kushner:  Well?

Trump:  No go.  Let’s try Putin one more time before we go back to the bunker.

Trump Tries Out the 'Flynn-Defense'

May 24, 2020

Hannity:  Mr. President, all of us at Fox are grateful that you have taken the time to speak with us for the 486^th time.

Trump:  Thanks, Sean, always great to be here, especially since you canned that Shep Smith loser.

Hannity:  Who?

[Both laugh]

Hannity:  Now then, Mr. President, you have been talking a lot about the Michael Flynn case, and some are calling this brewing scandal ‘Obamagate.’

Trump:  That’s right, Sean.  The greatest crime in human history.  Some people are saying this might be worse than Eve eating the apple.  We'll have to see.

Hannity:  Um, well, be that as it may, I wonder if you could help us out with something.  Back in 2017, you said that you had to fire General Flynn because he lied, but now you are blaming the FBI.  A lot of people want to know, did General Flynn lie when interviewed by the FBI in 2017?

Trump:  Yes, he did, Sean, but the point is, those FBI agents wanted him to lie.  They easily could have warned him, and said something like, ‘hey, bro, you know that if you lie to us it’s a Federal crime punishable by fines and incarceration.’  But they didn’t do that.  They just let him lie.  So it’s really their fault.

Hannity:  [Silence]  Okay, I see where you are going.

Trump:  It’s really kind of like me and this COVID thing.

Hannity:  [Silence] Um … maybe you could explain that, sir.’

Trump:  It’s really obvious, Sean.  Everyone is blaming me for lying back in January about how serious the COVID threat was, even though I had been briefed by intelligence and public health officials.

Hannity:  [Silence] So … so … so … can you help me out here, Mr. President?

Trump:  Well, when those reporters were yelling out their questions, no one said that if I lied they would throw it back in my face.  But you see, they wanted me to lie.  So, if you think about it, this whole mess is really the media’s fault.  But let me just say, I feel really too bad that a few people have died -- even though it's ... like I said ... not my fault.

Hannity:  [Hesitantly] I guess that is one way of looking at it, sir. [Makes throat-cutting gesture]

Trump:  It’s the same thing when I said that anyone who wanted a test could get one, or when I said there were plenty of masks, or … [screen goes blank]

Hannity:  Oops.  We seem to have lost the feed.  We’ll be right back after the commercial as a panel of pseudo-experts will use the words Joe Biden and sexual predator in every sentence.

Melania: Put on the Mask, Donald!

White House

May 21, 2020

Melania:  Donald, do not come into this room without a mask!

Trump:  But Melania, we’ve been through this.  I don’t wanna wear a mask.  There are a lot of people who look up to me as the guy who wasn’t afraid of the virus.

Melania:  And that is why I am afraid of you, so put on the mask.

Trump:  But isn’t it enough that you and the boy have on masks?

Melania:  The boy?  You mean Barron?  Your son?

Barron:  Hi Dad.

Trump:  He knows who I mean.  But anyway, as long as you two are wearing masks, we’re all safe, right?

Melania:  Well, maybe I don’t ‘wanna’ wear a mask either. [Moves to remove mask]

Trump:  Hey, what are you doing?  Stay away from me!  

[Secret Service comes running up] Don’t worry fellas, I've got this.  Heah-heah.

Wow that was close.  Don’t do that again!  When’s the last time you were tested?

Melania:  Two hours ago.  I am tested every two hours.  Remember?

Trump:  And have you touched anyone since then?

Melania:  Only Barron.

Trump:  Who?  Oh yeah, the boy … um … I mean … our son.

Barron:  Hi Dad.

Melania:  Look, Donald, I’ve had it.  Put on the mask or you can’t come in.  Not now, not ever.

Trump:  You mean no … no …

Melania:  That’s right, no more “touching.”

FDR: It's Time to Wind Down the War Effort

White House

Washington, DC

June 7, 1944

FDR:  Now that our brave lads have pulled off one of the most amazing feats in military history with the Normandy landing, the defeat of the Axis powers is a foregone conclusion.  Therefore, I think it is about time to start winding down the war effort.

Reporter:  Do you mean we are pulling out our troops?

FDR:  Now hold on there -- don't go putting words in my mouth.  Who said anything about pulling out our troops?  We remain firmly committed to victory over the enemy.  But isn’t it about time to get the economy moving again?  What’s the use of all this fighting if these boys don’t have jobs to come back to?

Reporter:  So what exactly does winding down mean?

FDR:  Well, as of now, there will be no further deployments to the European theater and we are investigating which units can be withdrawn while still maintaining an aggressive posture.

Reporter:  Aren’t you afraid that this policy could give Hitler a chance to regroup his forces?

FDR:  Not at all.  As I said, victory now is all but assured.  And besides, if this does give Hitler a little breathing room, maybe he’ll take the opportunity to change his ways.  One way or another, it’s time to crank up the might US economic engine.

Reporter:  Did you consult with our allies on this? 

FDR:  Well, they really would have no reason to object because no other country has sacrificed more of its fighting men in this fight.

Reporter:  But what about the Red Army?  Haven't they ...

FDR:  [Interrupts] Next.

Reporter:  Mr. President, I don’t notice any of your military advisors standing with you.  Are the Joint Chiefs of Staff on board with this decision?

FDR:  I think it’s safe to say that the Joint Chiefs of Staff, being the great patriots they are, share my goal of revving up the American economy.  

Reporter:  But that wasn’t the question!  

FDR:  [Interrupts] Sorry, Scotty.  One question to a customer.  Next

Reporter:  Mr. President, what about Japan?  We still have a long way to go there, too.

FDR:  Japan?  Oh yes.  Well, I am confident that once Germany falls, the Japanese will see the writing on the wall.  Besides, our pressure in the Pacific is showing results.  Why, I understand their pilots are so undernourished they’re trying to land their planes on our ships.  So, clearly, victory is in sight.

Reporter:  Wait!  That’s not why …

FDR:  [Interrupts] There, there.  You had your shot.  Now then, before I go, I’d like to say a word to the American people, especially the good people of Pennsylvania, Iowa, Oregon, and several other swing states.  Good news, my friends, your boys are coming home!  Happy Days are here again!

The Real Story Behind Kim's Mystery Illness

Washington – Pyongyang

April 19, 2020

Kim:  Donald?

Trump:  Kim, my old friend, how are you?

Kim:  Not very good, Donald.  [Coughs] I have had this cough, and I am sweating a lot more than usual.

Trump:  Wow, that sounds bad.  Say, do you have the Chinese virus?  Oh, sorry, my son, um, …

Kim:  Barron?

Trump:  Yeah, that’s it.  Well, he says it’s racist to use that name.

Kim:  No problem, Donald, here we call it the “Big brother who won’t keep his nose out of our business” virus.  I am not sure because we do not have any tests yet.  Of course, I don’t need to tell you how big a problem that is.

[Both laugh – Kim coughs again]

Trump:  Listen, Kim, don’t worry.  I have the cure.

Kim:  Donald, I have tried those pills you keep talking about, but they didn’t work.

Trump:  Forget the pills.  They were my dopey son-in-law’s idea.  But this is the real deal.  Are you listening?

Kim:  Of course I’m listening, Donald.

Trump:  Bleach!

Kim:  We must have a bad connection, Donald.  I thought you said bleach.

Trump:  That’s right, bleach.  The same stuff you use for whiter whites.

Kim:  Well, how much do I take?

Trump:  I’m not too sure.  Maybe you should start out with a capful and see how it goes.

Kim:  And do I take it straight?

Trump:  You might try mixing it with your favorite beverage so it will go down easier.

Kim:  I don’t know, Donald.  This sounds very risky.

Trump:  Trust me, I have a feeling about this, just like I knew this virus thing would become a pandemic.

Kim:  Okay, Donald.  I owe you one ... I think.

Trump:  Don’t mention it.  Goodbye, Kim.

Kim:  Goodbye, Donald.

[Both hang up]

Kim:  [To aide]  Well, what do you think?  Should I try bleach?

Aide: It sounds crazy, but what do you have to lose?

A Meeting of the Anti-COVID Liberation Front

Somewhere in Middle America, a group of heroes convened in an empty tavern to save the Republic from Tyranny

Joe:  Fellow Patriots!  It’s heartwarming to see that so many of you answered the call to save our nation.  First of all, let’s take roll.

Dave:  Joe, is that really necessary?  There’s only 13 of us.  And maybe there shouldn’t be any record of who’s here, because technically we are breaking the 10-person limit on gatherings, so [notices angry stares] …. I guess I’ll stop talking now.

Joe:  Okay, we’ll dispense with the roll and get right into our plan of action.  Now, first ….

Ed:  Joe?  I see everyone else brought their AR-15s.  No one told me we were going in armed.

Joe:  Of course we’re going in armed.  We’re patriots!

[Brief whooping]

Ed:  But who are we fighting?

Joe:  Um, no one, really, but we need to show them that we’re not afraid of any lib dem radicals.

Dave:  Are there going to be lib dem radicals?  I forgot my tac-glasses.

Joe:  No, no, no.  The lib dem radicals are all home hiding under their blankets.  The guns are for effect, to show … to show … [getting flustered] it doesn’t matter, we’re going in armed and that’s that.  Ed, you can stand in back.  Now, as I was saying, on this great day, we are going to show the Zionist-occupied world order that they don’t control us; that we … we … we’ll continue if Dave wouldn’t mind paying attention.

Dave:  [Hastily putting away iPhone]  Sorry, Joe, just a work email I had to look at.

Woody:  Work email?  What do you do?

Dave:  I’m an accountant.  Don’t tell anyone, but this shutdown has been a godsend.  I never get this much done at the office, what with all the ... [notices angry stares] ... I guess I'll stop talking now. 

Joe:  [Sarcastically] Thank you, Dave.  Now, it’s plain as day that the deep state people are using this virus hoax to take away our rights.  If we don’t take a stand … [angrily] what now, Ed?

Ed:  If the virus is a hoax, how come we’re all wearing masks?

Joe:  We always wear masks, Ed.

Ed:  But how come our seats are pushed so far apart?

Joe:  I don’t know, Ed, maybe that’s just the way they were.  Can we get on with it?

Ed:  Okay.

Joe:  So the first thing we do when we get to the Statehouse is …

[All dive to floor after short burst of gunfire.]

Joe:  [Dusting self off] Okay, what the fuck was that?

Woody:  Sorry everyone.  I thought someone was breathing on me.

Joe:  I’m pretty sure we all know the plan.  We stand in formation on the Statehouse steps and hold up these beautiful signs that the Patriot Ladies Auxiliary sewed for us.  I thought we it would be a good idea if we travelled in as few vehicles as possible.  So, Dave and Larry, you ride with me.  Ed and Tom, you ride with Woody.  [Looks up to alarmed faces]  Or, maybe we all ride in our own cars.

Harry:  Hey, the President just tweeted “Liberate Minnesota”

[Wild cheering]

Ed:  Don't we live in Michigan?

Melania Has Already Spent Her Stimulus Check

White House - Situation Room

April 15, 2020

Trump:  Hey, Steve, could you hang on for a minute?

Mnuchin:  Of course, Mr. President, and if I could just say again, that I continue to be inspired by your firm leadership during this crisis.  Why, I was just telling …

Trump:  Can it.  I know I’m a great President already.  The thing is, I almost hate to bring it up, but Melania hasn’t gotten her check yet.

Mnuchin:  Her check?

Trump:  You know, her $1,200, like all Americans are getting.  As for me, of course, I won’t be accepting it, but Mrs. Trump has already spent hers on a necklace or something.

Mnuchin:  Sir, I thought you understood.  Not all Americans are getting a $1,200 check, and if you made more than $100,000 last year, you do not get anything.  Now I am guessing that Mrs. Trump will not be eligible for a check.

Trump:  Well, what will we have to do to make her eligible?

Mnuchin:  Make her eligible, sir?

Trump:  Yeah.  Do I have to re-file our taxes or something?

Mnuchin:  With all the scrutiny your taxes receive, I’m not sure that would be wise.  Couldn’t you just pay for the necklace, sir?

Trump:  Listen, Melania is an independent gal.  She was really happy to buy something with money she earned herself!

Mnuchin:  Well, sir, then maybe you could just write a check, and tell her that you took it out of the Treasury instead of your personal account?

Trump:  Good idea, but her kid …

Mnuchin:  Barron?

Trump:  Yeah, him, he already explained to her that I can’t do that.

Mnuchin:  [Laughing] Well, I guess I could have our guys at IRS print your name on the stimulus check, that way …

Trump:  Okay, do it.

Mnuchin:  [Alarmed] But, sir, that would probably cost millions of dollars, and …

Trump:  So, you can do it.  Thanks for taking care of it.  You’re a real pal.

Mnuchin:  [Yells at departing Trump] You’re an inspiration to us all, sir!

Trump: I Want My !@#$ Shot Now!

White House – Outside the Oval Office

April 14, 2020

Trump:  [Heard shouting from behind door] Where’s my shot?  I want my shot!

Aide:  Thank God, you’re here.

Pence:  He’s still at it?

Aide:  Yes, Mr. Pence, and his next briefing is in a half hour.  You just have to calm him down so that he won’t sound even more, um, um, "passionate" than usual.

Pence:  I’ll see what I can do. [Enters office]  Hello, Mr. President, I hear you are still inquiring about the availability of a COVID 19 vaccine.  Well, ..

Trump:  [Grabbing Pence by the collar]  I told you to spare no expense!  I want my !@#$ shot, and I want it now!  I’m planning on cashing in big time when I leave this place, so the last thing I need is to catch that Chinese virus.

Pence:  Mr. President, as we’ve explained, no one enters the White House without being tested for, um, the Chinese virus, so you really have nothing to worry about.

Trump:  Tests?  You think I trust tests?

Pence:  Well, sir, even if one of the tests failed, and in the unlikely event you were infected, there’s always hydroxychloroquine.

Trump:  What?

Pence:  You know, sir, the “game changer” that you have been mentioning almost daily?

Trump:  Are you kidding?  I wouldn’t give that snake oil to Marla’s kid.  I need a shot!  Where’s my shot?

Pence:  Well, sir, as I, Dr. Fauci, Dr. Birx, Mr. Azar, Mr. Hannity, President Putin, Crown Prince bin Salaam, Mrs. Trump, Mrs. Kushner, Barron, and many others have tried to explain to you, vaccine development takes time. 

Trump:  Time!  I haven’t got time which means you haven’t got time!  If there’s no vaccine in two weeks I swear I’ll rip that !@#$ Sunday school smirk off your face!

[Pence exists office]

Aide:  Well, how is he?

Pence:  I haven’t seen him this calm in weeks.

Trump: First We Re-Open the Golf Courses

White House – Situation Room

April 12, 2020

Pence:  As we all know, President Trump [hesitates as all bow their heads] has tasked us with developing a strategy for re-opening the economy.  Now, …

Aide 1:  Mike, like Dr. Fauci said, it’s too early to talk about re-opening the economy. 

Pence:  Settle down, we all have great respect for Dr. Fauci [faint chicken clucks heard in background], but when we are ready, we’ll need a plan.

Aide 2:  But why can’t we just move ahead now, Mike?  Like President Trump [hesitates as all bow their heads] has said, we have all those hydorofax, I mean chlorozide, I mean, um, um, COVID cure pills.

Pence:  Okay, let’s stay focused on the economic plan.  Now, when we are ready to get things moving, President Trump [hesitates as all bow their heads] has laid out his priorities.  First, we open the golf courses, then, …

Aide 1:  Hold on a second, did you say golf courses?  I’m not sure that I hear too many Americans clamoring for golf courses to re-open.  What about …

Pence:  The American public, which voted overwhelmingly for President Trump [hesitates as all bow their heads, while glancing for looks of disbelief] in 2016 because they trust his judgment.  If you will allow me to continue, first, we open the golf courses, then, we open the hotels.

Aide 2:  Hotels!  Now there’s a good idea.  The tourism industry really took a knockout blow during all this.

Pence:  I thought you’d like that one.  So, this means that the first step should be to re-open all golf resort facilities, thus combining the top two priorities.  Now to get this done, these facilities will need debt forgiveness, Federal loans, and curtailment of any investigations into their pre-COVID labor practices.

Aide 1:  [Uncomfortable silence] Um, Mike, wouldn’t that mean …

Fauci:  [Enters to embarrassed silence]  Sorry I’m late, someone must have given me the wrong room number.

Trump Really Misses Golf

Overheard Outside a White House COVID-19 Briefing

Reporter:  Come on, Joe, the old boy really can’t be serious about ending social distancing so soon.  Is it all for show?

WH Aide:  No, he is really serious about this.  In fact, it’s pretty personal.

Reporter:  You mean he wants to look like a decisive leader to his base?

WH Aide:  No, he has tickets to the Masters this year.

Reporter:  The Masters?

WH Aide:  Yes, it’s a golf tournament.  They play it …

Reporter:  I know that, but I still don’t understand why it’s so important.

WH Aide:  Are you kidding?  It’s easier to buy a congressman than to score tickets to the Masters, but this year he got lucky in the lottery.

Reporter:  The lottery?  But he’s President of the United States.  Can’t he just call them up and say he’s coming?

WH Aide:  You don’t think he’s tried that?  They are really strict at Augusta.  This year’s tournament has already been postponed and if this social distancing goes on much longer, he’s afraid they might cancel.  He thinks this year might be his last chance to go.

Reporter:  What about next year?

WH Aide:  Let’s say, last chance to see it in person, instead of on a wide-screen TV at a minimum security federal prison.

Reporter:  It’s starting to make sense.

Why Can't They Call Me "Doctor Trump"?

The White House
March 24, 2020

Trump:  We have to get rid of this Fauci guy now!

Aide:  But sir, Dr. Fauci, is our nation’s foremost medical expert on viral infections and immunology.  If we were to lose him ….

Trump:  Doctor Fauci this and Doctor Fauci that.  Why does everyone have to call him Doctor?  Has anyone checked to see if he is a real doctor?

Aide:  [Shoulders slump]  Yes, sir.  Dr. Fauci has a medical degree, board certification and over 50 years experience.  Then there are his honorary degrees, his awards, his …

Trump:  Okay.  But couldn’t we start calling me Doctor Trump.  Don’t I have one of those – wadda you call them – honorable degrees?

Aide:  I believe you were scheduled to receive an honorary degree but Trump University had to close its doors before the actual ceremony.

Trump:  I told Junior we pulled the plug too soon, but he didn’t listen, just like no one listens to me now just because I’m not a doctor! 

Aide:  Sir, this is just a suggestion, but perhaps you could speak with Dr., um, Mr. Fauci, before one of your press briefings to discuss whether your comments will be danger…, um, accurate?

Trump:  Well, we could see, but [Phone rings] That’s Hannity, gotta take this, so [waves aide away]

Aide:  [In the hallway to another aide] Double the guard on Fauci, quick.

Trump: Where's My Beer Virus Shot?

White House

March 3, 2020

Aide 1:  You need to get in there.  He’s still at it.  [Shouting overheard in background]

Aide 2:  The vaccination thing again?

Aide 1:  What else?  He has a busy schedule today so we’re hoping to calm him down.

Aide 2:  Okay, I’ll see what I can do.

[Enters Oval Office]

Trump:  Where’s my shot?

Aide 2:  Sir, listen …

Trump:  I want my beer virus shot and I want it now!

Aide 2:  Sir, if I could …

Trump:  And not just for me.  I want one for Melania … and another one for her kid.

Aide 2:  SIR! [regains composure] I mean, sir, we have been through this before.  The virus is called the coronavirus – the coronavirus.  It is really important that you remember this, sir, because an alarming number of your supporters actually think the virus is caused by Corona beer and that if they avoid Corona beer they’re immune.

Trump:  Okay, so it’s called, um, [grows flustered] well who care’s what it’s called?  Where’s my shot?  I want my shot!

Aide 2:  Sir, if you remember, Mr. Azar explained to you last week that it may be year before we have a vaccine against the coronavirus.

Trump:  Who?

Aide 2:  Alex Azar, sir, the Secretary of Health and Human Services.

Trump:  But what about Pence?  I put him in charge of this.

Aide 2:  If you remember, again, Vice President Pence held your hand and stroked your shoulder while Mr. Azar tried to explain that you'll be the first person to get a shot but they can only release a vaccine after they have done trials ....

Trump:  You mean like tests?  On people?  Try it on one of Ivanka’s kids, and then … Hey, why are you sweating so much?  Don’t tell me you have the beer virus!