Kim: North Korea Cannot Help You, Donald

Pyonyang – Washington

June 3, 2020

Aide to Kim Jong-Un:  It’s him again.

Kim:  Hello Donald

Trump:  Hello Kim!  Wow, you must be really busy because I can never get through to you.

Kim:  Well, Donald, defending my noble country from the predations of the Imperialist barking dog is a full-time job.

[Both laugh]

Kim:  Anyway, Donald, I think I know why you are calling.  The answer is still no.

Trump:  [Pleading] But Kim!  Remember how I agreed to meet with you when the whole world wouldn’t say your name?  I think you owe me.

Kim:  Hey, I said thank you.  But I just don’t see how North Korea can send any troops to help you put down this insurrection you say that you are facing.

Trump:  Aw gee.  Not even a division.  I’m not sure how many men are in a division but it can’t be too many.

Kim:  No, Donald.

Trump:  It wouldn’t need to be for too long.  I know you guys are really sneaky, so you could probably be in and out in no time.

Kim:  [Testily] Why do say we are “really sneaky?”

Trump:  [Nervously] Um … well … I’m not sure, but come on, my own Defense Department doesn’t want to let me use any of our troops. There's an angry mob right outside my window.  If this goes on, I’m going to look like a dope.

Kim:  Well, let's say I was able to send over a team, I know that you are still dealing with the Chinese virus there.  Would you have masks for my men?

Trump:  Couldn’t you bring your own?

Kim:  Goodbye, Donald

[Dial tone]

Kushner:  Well?

Trump:  No go.  Let’s try Putin one more time before we go back to the bunker.

The Real Story Behind Kim's Mystery Illness

Washington – Pyongyang

April 19, 2020

Kim:  Donald?

Trump:  Kim, my old friend, how are you?

Kim:  Not very good, Donald.  [Coughs] I have had this cough, and I am sweating a lot more than usual.

Trump:  Wow, that sounds bad.  Say, do you have the Chinese virus?  Oh, sorry, my son, um, …

Kim:  Barron?

Trump:  Yeah, that’s it.  Well, he says it’s racist to use that name.

Kim:  No problem, Donald, here we call it the “Big brother who won’t keep his nose out of our business” virus.  I am not sure because we do not have any tests yet.  Of course, I don’t need to tell you how big a problem that is.

[Both laugh – Kim coughs again]

Trump:  Listen, Kim, don’t worry.  I have the cure.

Kim:  Donald, I have tried those pills you keep talking about, but they didn’t work.

Trump:  Forget the pills.  They were my dopey son-in-law’s idea.  But this is the real deal.  Are you listening?

Kim:  Of course I’m listening, Donald.

Trump:  Bleach!

Kim:  We must have a bad connection, Donald.  I thought you said bleach.

Trump:  That’s right, bleach.  The same stuff you use for whiter whites.

Kim:  Well, how much do I take?

Trump:  I’m not too sure.  Maybe you should start out with a capful and see how it goes.

Kim:  And do I take it straight?

Trump:  You might try mixing it with your favorite beverage so it will go down easier.

Kim:  I don’t know, Donald.  This sounds very risky.

Trump:  Trust me, I have a feeling about this, just like I knew this virus thing would become a pandemic.

Kim:  Okay, Donald.  I owe you one ... I think.

Trump:  Don’t mention it.  Goodbye, Kim.

Kim:  Goodbye, Donald.

[Both hang up]

Kim:  [To aide]  Well, what do you think?  Should I try bleach?

Aide: It sounds crazy, but what do you have to lose?

Trump to Catch Mueller Testimony in North Korea

Washington, DC

July 23, 2019

An anonymous source at the White House confirmed that President Donald Trump will be making a surprise visit to North Korea on July 24.  The same source would not confirm any connection between the surprise visit and the Congressional testimony of former Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller scheduled for that day.  “What?  No!  President Trump and Chairman Kim have just developed such a close rapport that during their last visit Chairman Kim told the President he could ‘stop by whenever he wanted.’  The President thought it would be rude not to take him up on it.”

Meanwhile, in Pyongyang …

Kim:  What do you mean he’s coming tomorrow?

Aide: Well, most esteemed Chairman, you did say …

Kim:  I know what I said!  It’s an expression. I never thought he would take it seriously.  I have raquetball tomorrow!

Aide:  I am sorry of the unfortunate news, most esteemed Chairman.  Also, apparently the President is in some kind of trouble at home so he may need to stay for a while.

Kim:  A while?  How long?

Aide:  Mr. Kushner was not clear, most esteemed Chairman, but he did ask if there are any golf courses in North Korea.

What Went Wrong in Hanoi

Washington, DC

March 1, 2019

We asked a member of the American delegation to the recent summit meeting between President Donald Trump and North Korean Leader Kim Jong-Un in Hanoi for his comments on why the two leaders failed to come to an agreement.  He asked that we not use his name – and that we emphasize that it definitely was not Secretary of State Mike Pompeo.

-  It was not so much one moment, as a series of missteps.  That gift got things off to a really bad start.

-  What gift?

-  The President wanted to make a very personal gesture, so he decided to give Kim a set of golf balls with US and North Korean flags embossed on them.

-  That sounds like a nice idea.

-  It would have been if they had used the right flag.

-  No, you don’t mean that …

-  That’s right.  South Korean flags.  You see, the President put Don Jr. in charge of this.  Of course, official registers do not use “North” and “South” Korea, so he just assumed that South Korea would have “Democratic” in its name, so he went with the other one.

-  I’m surprised the North Koreans didn’t leave right away.

-  Actually, the President handled that deftly, only now he has committed to building a golf course somewhere near the North Korean-Russian border.

-  How did things go after that?

-  Not great.  Then the President and Chairman Kim had their private meeting.  This is when the President was supposed to try to show Kim a path on how North Korea could emerge from its isolation.

-  And?

-  According to the President, he spent most of the meeting asking Kim about all the ways he has had his enemies executed.

-  [Stunned silence]

-  Yeah.

-  But then there was the final meeting.

-  That’s right.  The discussion was moving rather tentatively, when the President asked if Chairman Kim had heard about the Cohen hearings.  Chairman Kim said he had.  The President asked Chairman Kim how he would have Cohen executed if Cohen was his former lawyer who was now ratting him out.  Chairman Kim said angrily, “Again with the executions,” then got up and left.

-  But what about the North Korean nuclear weapons program?

-  That’s a very good question.  

Kim: How Can I Trust Trump?

From The Pyongyang Times (2/27/2019)

Reporter:  General Kim, Shining Sun to your People, would you please tell the North Korean people a few words on how you brilliantly handled negotiations with the capitalist running dog today.

Kim:  You mean, Trump, okay I guess.  But I feel a little uneasy.

Reporter:  Are you saying that the Americans are not yet ready to admit their humiliating defeat at the hand of your Grandfather, the Eternal President?

Kim:  Yeah, well that was never going to happen.  No, I have been following the testimony of Michael Cohen.  Did you know Trump has been lying all this time about the WikiLeaks emails?  I was like “wow, how can I trust this guy?”  I was ready to sign away our nuclear weapons, but how do I know he’s not lying about all the food aid.  I don’t know what to do.  It’s at times like this that I wish I hadn’t killed all my older and wiser relatives – don’t print that!

Reporter:  Of course, Supreme Leader.  I will write that you are receiving advice directly from your Father, the Beloved and Respected General Kim Jong-Il. 

Kim:  I like that.

Reporter:  Chairman Kim, what brilliant strategy will you pursue now?

Kim:  Well if I told you then ... oh never mind. Put it this we, the capitalist dog had better keep his eyes open.