Trump: First We Re-Open the Golf Courses

White House – Situation Room

April 12, 2020

Pence:  As we all know, President Trump [hesitates as all bow their heads] has tasked us with developing a strategy for re-opening the economy.  Now, …

Aide 1:  Mike, like Dr. Fauci said, it’s too early to talk about re-opening the economy. 

Pence:  Settle down, we all have great respect for Dr. Fauci [faint chicken clucks heard in background], but when we are ready, we’ll need a plan.

Aide 2:  But why can’t we just move ahead now, Mike?  Like President Trump [hesitates as all bow their heads] has said, we have all those hydorofax, I mean chlorozide, I mean, um, um, COVID cure pills.

Pence:  Okay, let’s stay focused on the economic plan.  Now, when we are ready to get things moving, President Trump [hesitates as all bow their heads] has laid out his priorities.  First, we open the golf courses, then, …

Aide 1:  Hold on a second, did you say golf courses?  I’m not sure that I hear too many Americans clamoring for golf courses to re-open.  What about …

Pence:  The American public, which voted overwhelmingly for President Trump [hesitates as all bow their heads, while glancing for looks of disbelief] in 2016 because they trust his judgment.  If you will allow me to continue, first, we open the golf courses, then, we open the hotels.

Aide 2:  Hotels!  Now there’s a good idea.  The tourism industry really took a knockout blow during all this.

Pence:  I thought you’d like that one.  So, this means that the first step should be to re-open all golf resort facilities, thus combining the top two priorities.  Now to get this done, these facilities will need debt forgiveness, Federal loans, and curtailment of any investigations into their pre-COVID labor practices.

Aide 1:  [Uncomfortable silence] Um, Mike, wouldn’t that mean …

Fauci:  [Enters to embarrassed silence]  Sorry I’m late, someone must have given me the wrong room number.