Trump: See, I'm Not Too Old!

White House 

June 23, 2020

[Hallway outside Oval Office. Aide 1 antically waving arms.  Aide 2 approaches]

Aide 1:  Get Mr. Kushner, or Mrs. Kushner, or Mr. Pence.  Just get someone quick!

Aide 2:  What is it?

Aide 1:  This is bad.  Oh, this is so bad … [starts hyperventilating]

Aide 2:  Okay.  Just calm down and tell me what it is.

Aide 1:  He … he … he wants to go golfing this afternoon.

Aide 2:  What’s wrong with that?  It soothes him.  At least he won’t be tweeting.  I wish he went golfing every day.

Aide 1:  You don’t get it.  He wants to bring the press to follow him along on the course.

Aide 2:  What?  Doesn’t he know what this will look like?

Aide 1:  It’s 2020, and you’re still asking “Doesn’t he know what this will look like?”

Aide 2:  Okay, okay.  But why now?

Aide 1:  He’s still a little sore about how the whole ‘Rampgate’ thing.  He thinks if they see him on the golf course it will put the whole "he's too old" story to rest.

Aide 2:  You’re right, this is bad.  Remember how last week his cart sank in the sand trap and it took four secret service agents to haul it out?

Aide 1:  Well, one could have handled it if the President would have just gotten out.

Aide 2:  Or how about the time he tipped over when he chipped on a hill?  Then there’s that grunt he lets out when he hits a drive.

Aide 1:  Yup.

Aide 2:   And who can forget the time he tried to do the "Tiger punch" and he split his pants.

Aide 1:  Yup.

Aide 2:  And -- oh my God -- the press will report how many shots he actually takes!

Aide 1:  Yup.  That would be a first.  That’s why …

Aide 2:  I’ll find Mr. Kushner right away [Sprints down hallway]

Trump: First We Re-Open the Golf Courses

White House – Situation Room

April 12, 2020

Pence:  As we all know, President Trump [hesitates as all bow their heads] has tasked us with developing a strategy for re-opening the economy.  Now, …

Aide 1:  Mike, like Dr. Fauci said, it’s too early to talk about re-opening the economy. 

Pence:  Settle down, we all have great respect for Dr. Fauci [faint chicken clucks heard in background], but when we are ready, we’ll need a plan.

Aide 2:  But why can’t we just move ahead now, Mike?  Like President Trump [hesitates as all bow their heads] has said, we have all those hydorofax, I mean chlorozide, I mean, um, um, COVID cure pills.

Pence:  Okay, let’s stay focused on the economic plan.  Now, when we are ready to get things moving, President Trump [hesitates as all bow their heads] has laid out his priorities.  First, we open the golf courses, then, …

Aide 1:  Hold on a second, did you say golf courses?  I’m not sure that I hear too many Americans clamoring for golf courses to re-open.  What about …

Pence:  The American public, which voted overwhelmingly for President Trump [hesitates as all bow their heads, while glancing for looks of disbelief] in 2016 because they trust his judgment.  If you will allow me to continue, first, we open the golf courses, then, we open the hotels.

Aide 2:  Hotels!  Now there’s a good idea.  The tourism industry really took a knockout blow during all this.

Pence:  I thought you’d like that one.  So, this means that the first step should be to re-open all golf resort facilities, thus combining the top two priorities.  Now to get this done, these facilities will need debt forgiveness, Federal loans, and curtailment of any investigations into their pre-COVID labor practices.

Aide 1:  [Uncomfortable silence] Um, Mike, wouldn’t that mean …

Fauci:  [Enters to embarrassed silence]  Sorry I’m late, someone must have given me the wrong room number.

Trump Really Misses Golf

Overheard Outside a White House COVID-19 Briefing

Reporter:  Come on, Joe, the old boy really can’t be serious about ending social distancing so soon.  Is it all for show?

WH Aide:  No, he is really serious about this.  In fact, it’s pretty personal.

Reporter:  You mean he wants to look like a decisive leader to his base?

WH Aide:  No, he has tickets to the Masters this year.

Reporter:  The Masters?

WH Aide:  Yes, it’s a golf tournament.  They play it …

Reporter:  I know that, but I still don’t understand why it’s so important.

WH Aide:  Are you kidding?  It’s easier to buy a congressman than to score tickets to the Masters, but this year he got lucky in the lottery.

Reporter:  The lottery?  But he’s President of the United States.  Can’t he just call them up and say he’s coming?

WH Aide:  You don’t think he’s tried that?  They are really strict at Augusta.  This year’s tournament has already been postponed and if this social distancing goes on much longer, he’s afraid they might cancel.  He thinks this year might be his last chance to go.

Reporter:  What about next year?

WH Aide:  Let’s say, last chance to see it in person, instead of on a wide-screen TV at a minimum security federal prison.

Reporter:  It’s starting to make sense.