The Anti-COVID Liberation Front Covers Its Tracks

Somewhere in Middle America, a group of heroes convened behind a crowded tavern to continue their struggle to save America from Tyranny

Joe:  Ed, where’s your mask?
Ed:  I thought we weren’t supposed to wear masks because COVID was a hoax?
Joe:  How many times do we have to go through this – we aren’t wearing masks to protect ourselves from that hoax virus.  We need to hide our faces because we shouldn’t be seen together, ever since well …  Now do you have a mask or not?
Dave:  I have an extra [pulls a package of 20 surgical masks from pocket]
Ed:  Thanks
Joe:  Hey, what do you need all those masks for?
Dave:  Well, the CDC recommends that you wear a mask if you are going to be in a crowd, even if you’ve been vaccin… [Notices stares] I should probably stop talking now.
Joe:  Wait, you took the Fauci shot?
Dave:  No, Johnson and Johnson.  I wanted the one I could pronounce.
Joe:  Why do you think we all went to Washington to keep President Trump in office?  So we would line up like sheep for some shot of God knows what?
Ed:  I thought we went because those God-less socialists were trying to steal the election.
Woody:  I thought we went to keep our guns.
Joe:  Yeah,  all that stuff.  But I still can’t believe you got one of those stupid shots.  They probably put a tiny little microphone in your arm.  I’ll bet Nancy Pelosi is listening to us right now.
Dave:  I don’t think they have microphones that small, Joe, and if they did, I doubt Nancy Pelosi would be listening to us.
Joe:  It was just a figure of speech, Ed, and ….
Ed:  [Interrupting} What about Pfizer, Dave?
Dave:  What?
Ed:  [Nervously]  What about the Pfizer vaccine?  Do you think they have microphones in them?
Joe:  Wait, you too, Ed?  Has anyone else here got a vaccine?  [Everyone tries to avoid eye contact]
Joe:  Oh, geez, and here I thought we were all fighting for the same thing on January 6.
Dave:  I told you then it was a bad idea, Joe.
Joe:  Our president needed patriots like us.  And we wouldn’t have to be hiding in the alley if someone didn’t post pictures of us online.  [All look at Ed]
Ed:  I’m sorry.  I posted them to a private group.  I didn’t think anyone else could see them.
Joe:  [Mockingly] “I didn’t think anyone else could see them.”  How come I keep see them popping up every other day?  Just how many pictures did you take?
Ed:  Twelve.   I have twelve photos of us in the Capital from when we went to Washington as kids.  I was trying to get photos in all the same spots.
Dave:  Wow, that’s kind of neat.  Did your dad take the photos back then?
Ed:  No, some policeman took them.  [Alarmed] Oh no, do you think that could be the guy Joe threw the flag pole at?
Joe:  Shhhh …  How many times do I have to tell you to stop talking about that?  That’s why I wanted us to get together – to remind you that we can’t be blabbing those details.  You never know when Big Brother is going to be listening.  [Hears snickering]  And what’s so funny, Dave?
Dave:  Sorry, Joe, it’s just that you said big brother, because the other day I was telling my big brother about how Woody couldn’t get the cap off his bear spray.  Remember?  [Struggles to open imaginary can]
[All laugh]
Woody:  Oh yeah, well how about when Phil tripped running up the stairs and fell into that Proud Boy’s butt.
[More laughter]
Joe:  [Screaming angrily] Shut it.  This is what I mean.  Do you want everyone to know we stormed the Capital on January 6? Unless you want the FBI knocking on the door you’d better stop …
[Voice from the bar]:  Would keep it down out there, Joe!  We can’t hear the game.
Dave:  Busted, Joe [All laugh]
Ed:  Joe, where are you going?
Woody:  Wow, I haven’t seen him run that fast since he realized Trump wasn’t on his way to the Capital.

The Anti-COVID Liberation Front Meets on Zoom

Somewhere over the airwaves ...

Joe: Okay, it’s 2:00, but let’s wait for the rest of the guys.

Woody: Yeah, we can’t have much of a meeting with just the three of us.

Joe: Ed, why don’t you have your video on?

Ed:  Sorry, how do I turn it on?

Joe: Look for the video icon.

Ed:  Look for the what?

Woody: The little picture of a camera.

Ed:  Oh, found it.

Joe: Ed?

Ed:  What’s wrong, still can’t see me?

Joe: No, I can see you, I’m just wondering why you’re wearing a mask – at home!  That’s the reason we’re having our meetings on Zoom now, so we don’t subject ourselves to the indignity of having to wear a mask in public.

Ed:  Well, you see, my wife has this rule that when I go to the store I have to wear my mask for an hour after I get back.

Woody: Does the CDC recommend that?

Joe: Who cares what the CDC recommends?  We’re men, right?  With constitutional rights so …

[Someone joins the meeting]

Dave: Sorry, I’m late.  I was buffering.

Ed:  Why are you bunkering?  Is there an attack?

Joe: Not bunkering, Ed, buffering.  That’s when … oh forget it, can we get on with it?

Dave: On with what?  There’s only 4 of us.  Why can’t we meet at the tavern any more?

Joe: You know darn well that after they opened up the fanatics at the Health Department allegedly traced 23 COVID infections to a Happy Hour, so now there’s so much police tape wrapped around the place we can’t even sneak through the back window any more.

Dave: Oh, right.  So what have I missed?

Woody: [Excitedly] The CDC says we should wear masks at home now.

Joe: Will you stop with the CDC!  We need to start talking about how we’re going to take those people down.  Those are all those radical scientists who look down on us because they have white coats on.  Now, I say we try to make contact with …

Ed:  Joe?

Joe: [Impatiently] What now, Ed?

Ed:  I’m sorry, but my wife needs the computer to Skype with her sister, so I have to go.

Joe: You mean you only have one computer?  Don’t you have a smart phone?  Wait, don’t answer that. [Ed signs off]

Dave: Joe?

Joe: What Dave?

Dave: Where is everyone else?  Are you sure they got the invitation?

Joe: What?  Maybe you think you can do a better job trying to keep this organization together, Dave?

Dave: Hey, don’t get touchy, Joe.  I just don’t see how three people can do too much about restoring our constitutional rights.

Joe:  You don’t see it, do you?  I was thinking we could set up some kind of a guard around our confederate memorials before those antifa terrorists get any ideas. 

Dave:  Do we have any confederate memorials in Michigan? 

Joe: We must, right?

Trump: I Want My !@#$ Shot Now!

White House – Outside the Oval Office

April 14, 2020

Trump:  [Heard shouting from behind door] Where’s my shot?  I want my shot!

Aide:  Thank God, you’re here.

Pence:  He’s still at it?

Aide:  Yes, Mr. Pence, and his next briefing is in a half hour.  You just have to calm him down so that he won’t sound even more, um, um, "passionate" than usual.

Pence:  I’ll see what I can do. [Enters office]  Hello, Mr. President, I hear you are still inquiring about the availability of a COVID 19 vaccine.  Well, ..

Trump:  [Grabbing Pence by the collar]  I told you to spare no expense!  I want my !@#$ shot, and I want it now!  I’m planning on cashing in big time when I leave this place, so the last thing I need is to catch that Chinese virus.

Pence:  Mr. President, as we’ve explained, no one enters the White House without being tested for, um, the Chinese virus, so you really have nothing to worry about.

Trump:  Tests?  You think I trust tests?

Pence:  Well, sir, even if one of the tests failed, and in the unlikely event you were infected, there’s always hydroxychloroquine.

Trump:  What?

Pence:  You know, sir, the “game changer” that you have been mentioning almost daily?

Trump:  Are you kidding?  I wouldn’t give that snake oil to Marla’s kid.  I need a shot!  Where’s my shot?

Pence:  Well, sir, as I, Dr. Fauci, Dr. Birx, Mr. Azar, Mr. Hannity, President Putin, Crown Prince bin Salaam, Mrs. Trump, Mrs. Kushner, Barron, and many others have tried to explain to you, vaccine development takes time. 

Trump:  Time!  I haven’t got time which means you haven’t got time!  If there’s no vaccine in two weeks I swear I’ll rip that !@#$ Sunday school smirk off your face!

[Pence exists office]

Aide:  Well, how is he?

Pence:  I haven’t seen him this calm in weeks.

Trump: Where's My Beer Virus Shot?

White House

March 3, 2020

Aide 1:  You need to get in there.  He’s still at it.  [Shouting overheard in background]

Aide 2:  The vaccination thing again?

Aide 1:  What else?  He has a busy schedule today so we’re hoping to calm him down.

Aide 2:  Okay, I’ll see what I can do.

[Enters Oval Office]

Trump:  Where’s my shot?

Aide 2:  Sir, listen …

Trump:  I want my beer virus shot and I want it now!

Aide 2:  Sir, if I could …

Trump:  And not just for me.  I want one for Melania … and another one for her kid.

Aide 2:  SIR! [regains composure] I mean, sir, we have been through this before.  The virus is called the coronavirus – the coronavirus.  It is really important that you remember this, sir, because an alarming number of your supporters actually think the virus is caused by Corona beer and that if they avoid Corona beer they’re immune.

Trump:  Okay, so it’s called, um, [grows flustered] well who care’s what it’s called?  Where’s my shot?  I want my shot!

Aide 2:  Sir, if you remember, Mr. Azar explained to you last week that it may be year before we have a vaccine against the coronavirus.

Trump:  Who?

Aide 2:  Alex Azar, sir, the Secretary of Health and Human Services.

Trump:  But what about Pence?  I put him in charge of this.

Aide 2:  If you remember, again, Vice President Pence held your hand and stroked your shoulder while Mr. Azar tried to explain that you'll be the first person to get a shot but they can only release a vaccine after they have done trials ....

Trump:  You mean like tests?  On people?  Try it on one of Ivanka’s kids, and then … Hey, why are you sweating so much?  Don’t tell me you have the beer virus!