Trump Still Needs A Lawyer

Palm Beach, FL
June 17, 2023

“The dozens of attorneys who have defended Trump since 2016”
Washington Post, June 17, 2023

DT: Damn it!  Another one hung up on me!
ET: Dad, I don't think you're going to find another attorney this way.
DT: What do you mean, Eric?  I’m Donald Trump, I’m sure there are plenty of lawyers out there who would dream of having me as a client.  Dial the next one.
ET: Dad, the last one had a greeting that started “Unless you’re former President Donald Trump, please hold for the next available operator.”
DT: What?!  I’ll sue them.  That’s gotta be a violation of my 3rd Amendment Rights!
ET: Really?!
DT: Yeah, a lot of people think there are just two, but Rudy told me about this one.
ET: And why can’t Uncle Rudy handle this one again?
DT: I told you [mimes drinking from a bottle].
ET: Oh yeah.  But listen, Dad, I’ve got an idea.
DT: I’m all ears.
ET: Let me represent you!
DT: What?  You’re not a lawyer.  Wait, are you?  Sorry, it’s hard for me to keep track of all of the graduation cards I had my secretary send.
ET: Good call, Dad, I’m not, but I don’t have to be!
DT: Are you sure about this?
ET: Yeah, I saw it in a movie once.  I’m pretty sure it was even on CourtTV, so it must be real.
DT: I don’t know.  Between you and me, this actually kind of serious.  I should probably have a lawyer who knows their way around the court room.
ET: Like Sydney Powell?
DT: Okay, you got me on that one, but still, do you know how to handle yourself at a trial? 
ET: Just like you taught us, Dad, it’s all about attitude.  Picture this:  the judge says “You’re out of order,” then I stand up and say “No, you’re out of order!”  And if I’m ever really lost, I’ll just walk over by the jury and say, “Excuse me, but could you explain that to all of us non-lawyers!”  
DT: Heh-heh-heh.  I’d love to see that.  That stupid judge wouldn’t know what to say.
ET: See.  Come on, Dad.  Let me do it.  I’ve always wanted to make it up to you for when I blabbed about all the Russian money.
DT: I forgave you for that a long time ago, son, but …
ET: [Interrupts excitedly] So does that mean that …
DT: … but I’m afraid the damage can’t be undone. The will stays the same.
ET: [Dejected] Okay. 

A 'Top Secret' Trump Birthday

Mar-A-Lago, Palm Beach, FL
March 20, 2022

Trump: Happy Birthday, son!
Barron: Wow, you remembered.  And you almost spelled my name right on the card!
Trump: Huh?
Barron: It’s B-A-R-R-O-N, with 2 Rs.
Trump: Are you sure?  Because I could swear that …
Melania: [Clears throat loudly]
Trump: Oh well, sorry about that champ.  Anyway, I got you something really special.
Barron: [Opening wrapping paper]  It’s … it’s … a bunch of papers.  I don’t get it.  What are these, dad?  And why do they all have TOP SECRET stamped all over them?
Trump: Are you kidding?  What you are holding is a gold mine, um… um… Barron.  [Whispers to Melania] Am I pronouncing it right?
Barron: How’s that, dad?
Trump: These aren’t just any secrets, son. Believe me, there are lot of people ready to pay a lot of money for these papers.
Barron: What people?
Trump: Don’t worry son, they’ll find you.
Barron: That sounds kind of scary, dad.  Couldn’t you just give me the money?
Trump: [Nervously] Heh-heh-heh.  Well, Aunt Ivanka thought it would be better this way.
Barron: Aunt Ivanka?  You mean she isn’t my sister?  I mean ‘half-sister.’  She said to always remember that.
Melania: [Testily] You’re right, dear.  She is your sister, though for some reason she has double your share in your father’s will.
Trump: I said we’ll talk about that later.  But come on, you mean you don’t like it?
Barron: I guess it’s kind of cool.  And I like the card. [Reading] Uh, dad, why is it stamped “On Behalf of Donald J. Trump?”
Melania: Donald!!
Trump: Sorry, gotta run.  I’m pretty sure I’m late for a deposition.

More Mar-A-Lago Revelations

August 14, 2022

In response to the shocking news about the FBI search warrant for illegally stored documents at Mar-A-Lago, former President Trump’s son Eric speculated that seized documents contained nothing out of the ordinary, “"You'd have, you know, newspaper articles, pictures, notes from us…. “  AW News has since obtained the following family notes seized from the Trump vault. 

January 7, 1994
Dear Dad,
Thanks for the beautiful check!  It is really cool!  And $50 – almost as much as you gave Ivanka!  Only my name is Eric with a c, not a k.  Will the bank still take it?
Love,
Eric

February 8, 1995
Father,
If your idiot wife calls me Ivana one more time I am going to hit her.  Don’t be late again for our dinner on Friday – the caterer gets mad.
XOXO
Pumpkin

May 1, 1996
Dear Dad,
The people at Harvard tell me that the need at least a $25 million to accept me.  That shouldn’t be a problem, right?
Junior, i.e., Donald Junior -- your oldest son

August 6, 2002
Dear Dad,
My sister was really mean to me again in the elevator today.  What’s a bastard?  
Love you,
Tiff

August 9, 2002
Father,
Tell my half-sister to talk to my people if she needs anything. 
XOXO
Pumpkin

November 20, 2004
Hi Dad,
We were all wondering if we could look at your prenup before you marry that model lady.  Okay, it’s really Ivanka but she’s afraid to ask.  Think we could have a looksie?  Maybe at Thanksgiving dinner.  I’m invited, right?
Eric (with a c)

January 10, 2005
Dad,
I had a great time at the wedding.  Does “mom” have a hot sister?
Junior

September 20, 2005
Father,
I warned you to include a ‘no-child’ clause this time.  This one better not be coming out of my share.
XOXO
Pumpkin

July 15, 2016
Dear Dad,
Who’s this Penny guy?  I thought I would be your vice president.  Could you make me an ambassador or something?
Donald Trump, Jr., your oldest son and the main beneficiary of your will – right?

May 8, 2017
Dear Dad,
Sorry I blabbed about how much Russian money we take in.  Do you think that will be a problem?
Eric/Erik

March 22, 2019
Dear Dad,
It turns out the bank will not take a check made out to ‘Melania’s kid.’  Think I could have another?  It’s B-a-r-r-o-n.
Love,
Barron, i.e., Melania's kid

The Anti-COVID Liberation Front Covers Its Tracks

Somewhere in Middle America, a group of heroes convened behind a crowded tavern to continue their struggle to save America from Tyranny

Joe:  Ed, where’s your mask?
Ed:  I thought we weren’t supposed to wear masks because COVID was a hoax?
Joe:  How many times do we have to go through this – we aren’t wearing masks to protect ourselves from that hoax virus.  We need to hide our faces because we shouldn’t be seen together, ever since well …  Now do you have a mask or not?
Dave:  I have an extra [pulls a package of 20 surgical masks from pocket]
Ed:  Thanks
Joe:  Hey, what do you need all those masks for?
Dave:  Well, the CDC recommends that you wear a mask if you are going to be in a crowd, even if you’ve been vaccin… [Notices stares] I should probably stop talking now.
Joe:  Wait, you took the Fauci shot?
Dave:  No, Johnson and Johnson.  I wanted the one I could pronounce.
Joe:  Why do you think we all went to Washington to keep President Trump in office?  So we would line up like sheep for some shot of God knows what?
Ed:  I thought we went because those God-less socialists were trying to steal the election.
Woody:  I thought we went to keep our guns.
Joe:  Yeah,  all that stuff.  But I still can’t believe you got one of those stupid shots.  They probably put a tiny little microphone in your arm.  I’ll bet Nancy Pelosi is listening to us right now.
Dave:  I don’t think they have microphones that small, Joe, and if they did, I doubt Nancy Pelosi would be listening to us.
Joe:  It was just a figure of speech, Ed, and ….
Ed:  [Interrupting} What about Pfizer, Dave?
Dave:  What?
Ed:  [Nervously]  What about the Pfizer vaccine?  Do you think they have microphones in them?
Joe:  Wait, you too, Ed?  Has anyone else here got a vaccine?  [Everyone tries to avoid eye contact]
Joe:  Oh, geez, and here I thought we were all fighting for the same thing on January 6.
Dave:  I told you then it was a bad idea, Joe.
Joe:  Our president needed patriots like us.  And we wouldn’t have to be hiding in the alley if someone didn’t post pictures of us online.  [All look at Ed]
Ed:  I’m sorry.  I posted them to a private group.  I didn’t think anyone else could see them.
Joe:  [Mockingly] “I didn’t think anyone else could see them.”  How come I keep see them popping up every other day?  Just how many pictures did you take?
Ed:  Twelve.   I have twelve photos of us in the Capital from when we went to Washington as kids.  I was trying to get photos in all the same spots.
Dave:  Wow, that’s kind of neat.  Did your dad take the photos back then?
Ed:  No, some policeman took them.  [Alarmed] Oh no, do you think that could be the guy Joe threw the flag pole at?
Joe:  Shhhh …  How many times do I have to tell you to stop talking about that?  That’s why I wanted us to get together – to remind you that we can’t be blabbing those details.  You never know when Big Brother is going to be listening.  [Hears snickering]  And what’s so funny, Dave?
Dave:  Sorry, Joe, it’s just that you said big brother, because the other day I was telling my big brother about how Woody couldn’t get the cap off his bear spray.  Remember?  [Struggles to open imaginary can]
[All laugh]
Woody:  Oh yeah, well how about when Phil tripped running up the stairs and fell into that Proud Boy’s butt.
[More laughter]
Joe:  [Screaming angrily] Shut it.  This is what I mean.  Do you want everyone to know we stormed the Capital on January 6? Unless you want the FBI knocking on the door you’d better stop …
[Voice from the bar]:  Would keep it down out there, Joe!  We can’t hear the game.
Dave:  Busted, Joe [All laugh]
Ed:  Joe, where are you going?
Woody:  Wow, I haven’t seen him run that fast since he realized Trump wasn’t on his way to the Capital.

Trump Needs His PIN Number

New York – Palm Beach
July 23, 2021
 
Trump: Allen, it’s me!
Weisselberg: Donald?  Why are you calling me?  My lawyers say I shouldn’t be talking to you.
Trump: Donald?  What happened to "Mr. Trump"?  Oh yeah, I almost forgot.  Well listen, what else are those lawyers of yours telling you, because … well … we never used to have any secrets, so …
Weisselberg: You know I can’t tell you that, Donald.  Why are you calling?
Trump: Okay, here’s the thing.  I was wondering if you know the PIN number for my ATM card.
Weisselberg: Your what?!
Trump: My PIN number.  It’s a 4-digit code that you need to …
Weisselberg: I know what a PIN number is, Donald.  I just can’t believe your calling me about that.
Trump: Hey, my pop always told me that you’re the “numbers man,” so I just figured that maybe you knew.
Weisselberg: I could tell you the salary of every employee at the Trump Organization, Donald.  I could tell you how much taxes the Trump Organization paid – and I just might share that information with a few new friends of mine – but I’m afraid I don’t know the PIN number for your ATM card.  Why do you even need that?
Trump: Heh, funny you should ask.  I guess not all my expenses get covered automatically.  If there wasn’t a restaurant at Mar-A-Lago I wouldn’t eat.
Weisselberg: What do you mean?
Trump: Crazy, right?  I have to pay for food.  So I just show up in the dining room every night, chat up the crowd until I find someone eating a steak that doesn’t look too raw, then I set down and start eating.
Weisselberg: You steal their food?
Trump: Hey, they get an autograph!   And if they treat me to cake afterwards I even let them take a picture.
Weisselberg: Sounds like you don’t need that ATM card.
Trump: It’s getting kind of old.  There are nights I have to hang around for hours before someone orders a steak that isn't bleeding.  A few weeks ago I even had to crash a wedding. 
Weisselberg: Like I told you, Donald, I don’t know your PIN number.  Maybe Junior knows it?
Trump: You think I’d trust him?  Besides, for some reason his phone never seems to be working when I call.
Weisselberg: How about Jared, couldn’t he lend you some cash?
Trump: Funny, it’s the same thing.  I don’t know why these kids can’t get phones that work.
Weisselberg: Yeah, funny.
Trump: Okay, Allen.  Listen, stay strong, if you know what I mean.
Weisselberg: Goodbye, Donald.
…
[Both hang up.  Weisselberg turns to man in dark suit sitting next to him wearing headphones]
Agent: So, do you know his PIN number?
Weisselberg: 1-2-3-4.  He insisted.
Agent: [Laughs]  Okay, that was entertaining. But if he calls again, try to get him to explain what “stay strong” means.
Weisselberg: Oh, he’ll call again.
Agent: How can you be so sure?
Weisselberg: Do you think he remembers Melania’s birthday?

Trump Still Willing to Take Buyout

 The White House
January 10, 2021
 
Trump:  Come on in, Jared.  
Kushner:  Thank you, sir.
Trump:  I’ve come to a big decision.  I’m ready to walk away from all this, as long as we can come up with a figure.
Kushner:  [Visibly relieved.]  Oh, thank you, sir.  I was afraid to raise the question – especially after you threw a paperweight at Mr. Meadows the other day.  But really, at this point, resigning is probably best for the country – and for you!  Especially for you.
Trump:  Yeah, I think I’ve done all I can do anyway, and it looks like that witch Pelosi has talked the Joints Chief out my raid on Iran.  God, that would have been great. 
Kushner:  It certainly would have, sir.  Now, about that figure, I think we should move quickly, no more than a couple of days.
Trump:  A couple of days, 5 days – I don’t care as long as I get paid.  But I need to have my numbers straight.  I was thinking of asking for $100 million, but I’d probably settle for $50 million.  Think Pelosi will go for that?
Kushner:  [Confused] Sir, $50 million for what, exactly?
Trump:  My buyout, what else?  That’s the way it’s always worked.  When I stop making money from some deal, or when it just starts to become a pain in the keyster, I take off, but not before I secure some big buyout, for, you know, compensation.
Kushner:  But, sir, you have already been compensated.  You receive a salary.
Trump:  A few hundred K a year? That barely covers Earl’s allowance.
Kushner:  Earl, sir?
Trump:  My son.
Kushner:  You mean Barron?
Trump:  [Thinks for a second] Yeah, that's him.  Sweet kid.  Melania’s.
Kushner:  And besides that, sir, given the general mood in the country right now it’s not like you have a lot of leverage.  Congress is ready to impeach you -- again -- and I’m pretty sure that Mr. Pence would have gotten the remaining Cabinet members to declare you unfit for office if they didn’t keep avoiding his call.  I’m afraid your best option right now would be to resign and leave the city as quickly and quietly as possible.
Trump:  Quietly!  Why you … you … [rummages frantically among papers no desk]
Kushner:  Sir, would like me to find your paperweight so you can throw it at me? 
Trump: [Calms down] Forget it.  If I’m not getting a buyout I might as well go on being President.  Besides, Melania hasn’t finished picking which paintings she wants to keep. 
Kushner:  Paintings, sir?  
Trump:  Yeah, I know I called this place a dump, but there actually some really classy paintings here that will look great at Mar-a-Lago.  Besides, um, um, Barron – right? – has already drawn mustaches on some of them. 
Kushner:  [Nervously] Actually, sir, technically – but only in a strictly legal sense – those paintings don’t belong … which is to say, they, um … um…  [Turns and sprints for door]
Trump:  Geez, what’s his rush?  I guess he hasn’t picked any paintings out for himself. 

Trump Arrested in Nobel Sting

New York, New York
May 4, 2021

The U.S. Marshals Service announced that they arrested former President Donald Trump today, ending a weeks-long standoff.  Trump has been bunkered in the Trump Tower ever since a federal grand jury returned charges against him for tax fraud, accepting foreign inducements, and inducing sedition, but was lured out by a ruse notification that he was being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.  The FBI is still investigating the former president’s involvement in the theft of various White House memorabilia following his electoral defeat.

“We knew he wasn’t going anywhere, so we thought we could wait him out.  But then we decided that this had gone on long enough.”

“Who came up with this idea?”

“Someone at HQ.  From the press we knew that Mr. Trump was obsessed with the idea of winning the Nobel Peace Prize but at the same time had no recognition of what that entailed.”

“Still, how did you pull it off?”

“Well, we got word to him that some foreigners were waiting in the lobby to hand him his prize.  He just couldn’t say no.”

“Wait.  Awarding the Nobel Peace Prize in a lobby?  What about …”

“Like I said, no recognition of what it entailed.”

“And how did you get word to him?  From what I understand, he has cut off almost all communication with the outside world.”

“We had help from a cooperating witness?”

“Inside the Trump inner circle?  Who?”

“I am not at liberty to reveal our source’s name, but from what I understand this individual no longer has to worry about investigation into whether or not she lied on her citizenship application about modeling work she did in the US while on a tourist visa.”

Trump Gets Why Everyone Is Laughing At Him

Washington, DC - Oval Office

April 27, 2020

Trump:  Jared, come on in.

Kushner:  Thank you for seeing me, sir.  Ivanka said you were a little down.

Trump:  You know, Jared, I understand everyone’s laughing at me.  But …

Kushner:  [Interrupts] Don’t worry, sir, I’m sure that whole ‘bleach thing’ will pass over.

Trump:  [Surprised]  Bleach thing?

Kushner:  [Nervously] You know, sir, your … um … sarcastic remarks about injecting bleach into the body, which, um, everyone knows you can’t do because … because … um

Trump:  Yeah, I zinged those reporters good, huh.  Wait, you think people are laughing at me because of that?

Kushner:  [Even more nervously] Well, sir, a few people thought … um … that maybe … um …. Well, sir, why don’t you tell me why you think they’re laughing at you.

Trump:  Didn’t you read the news over the weekend?

Kushner:  Yes, sir.

Trump:  Then isn’t it obvious?  [Points to headline: “First Lady Melania Trump Celebrates 50^th Birthday”]

Kushner:  Now I think I understand.  But don’t worry, sir, I’m sure that when this whole pandemic is over you will be able to throw her a big party that will …

Trump:  No!  You don’t get it at all.  Imagine:  Donald Trump – the “Donald” – married to a 50-year old woman!  It’s humiliating.

Kushner:  Sir, I really don’t think that ….

Trump:  [Oblivious] And now everyone’s laughing at me.  I’m so glad my father isn’t alive to see me married to an old woman.  It would kill him.

Kushner:  But, sir, didn’t your father stay married to your mother, and …

Trump:  Now, don’t worry.  Melania and her kid, um, um, …

Kushner:  Barron.

Trump:  Barron?  Are you sure?  Don’t worry, Melania and Barron will be taken care of.  Then, it’s time for the Donald to bring in a new model.  I’m thinking I should go back to a blond this time.

Kushner:  Do you think now is the time to be thinking about this?

Trump:  Of course, now is the time to be thinking about this.  It’s gotta take place before the election.  At first I thought I’d play the swinging bachelor for a while, but then it came to me.  Imagine this: we could double up the inauguration with a presidential wedding.  I’m sure that will bring in bigger crowds than the Kenyan got.

Kushner:  [Gulps]  And who are you going to marry?

Trump:  Don’t you worry about that.  I’ve got Junior and Eric narrowing down candidates.  But I’ve got an important job for you.

Kushner: [Gulps] Yes, sir.

Trump:  I want you to break the word to the current Mrs. Trump.

Kushner:  [Shocked] Me.  Why me?   Um … um … um … what do I tell her?

Trump:  You’re a smart guy.  I trust you to come up with something good.  But between me and you, you might want to remind her that Homeland Security is still looking into whether she worked back in the 90s when she was here on a tourist visa.  Okay.  Run along.  Hannity’s coming on.

[Kushner exits into hallway hyperventilating.  Walks by Vice President Pence, Chief of Staff Meadows, Mitch McConnell and Ivanka Trump hiding behind a corner.]

Pence:  Well, did you tell him that I’ll be doing the coronavirus briefings from now on?  Jared?  Where are you running to?  Get back here, Kushner!

Melania: You Mean He's Not Going to Prison?

White House

March 26, 2019

Attorney:  Well, Mrs. Trump, I was surprised that you called me, because during our last conversation …

Melania:  Two years!  You told me he was going to jail for at least two years!

Attorney:  [nervous laughter] Actually, Mrs. Trump, I think there were a lot of ‘ifs’ in that assessment.  But, fortunately, Mr. Mueller did not see fit to charge the president with any crimes, so …

Melania:  So, what?  Nothing?  That’s it?

Attorney:  Yes, ma’am.  Big win for the president.  Yippee. [Pantomimes a “Tiger” fist pump.]  Big win.

Melania:  How can this be?  What’s wrong with that Mueller person?  Donald is guilty.

Attorney:  But …

Melania:  But nothing.  Last week he said to me, ‘where’s the boy?  I need to see the boy.’

Attorney:  The boy?

Melania:  Barron.  His son – I’m not sure he knows his real name.  So anyway, he tells Barron, ‘Listen, son, Daddy might have to go away for a while.  But don’t worry, my lawyers and your big brother Don will take care of everything.’

Attorney:  And …?

Melania:  And what? ‘My lawyers and your big brother Don,’ that was it.  ‘Daddy has to go away for a while?’  What does that sound like to you?  He knows he’s guilty.

Attorney:  Well, Mrs. Trump, you really don’t have any proof there.  Anyway, Mr. Barr has already said …

Melania:  Mr. Barr?  Who’s Mr. Barr?  I though Mueller was the one investigating.

Attorney:  He was, but he left the decision up to Mr. Barr, the Attorney General, and Mr. Barr decided not to charge the President.  Again, big win.

Melania:  This is a nightmare.  If he went to jail, I could divorce him and get out of that prenup.  How can I reach this Mr. Barr?  Maybe I could convince him …

Attorney:  Again, Mrs. Trump, I need to remind you that I am an employee of the White House, so it might be more appropriate if …

Melania:  I know, I know.  Leave.  Get out.

Attorney:  [Runs to the door]

Melania:  [To herself] Mr. Barr, I wonder if he’s Roseanne’s husband?

Trump Looks Up Collusion

March 23, 2019

Outside Oval Office

Jared:  [Runs up and catches breath] What happened?  Why did you call me?

WH Aide:  This is bad, Mr. Kushner.  He accidentally held his finger on the word “collusion” for too long and a definition popped up.  Ever since he read that he just keeps muttering something over and over.  Maybe you can snap him out of it?

Jared:  I’ll try.  [Turns and enters Oval Office]

Trump:  [Looks up from his phone]  Jared!  I’m glad you’re here.  Listen to this, “Collusion: secret agreement or cooperation especially for an illegal or deceitful purpose.”  Did you know that was what collusion meant?

Jared:  So, what did you get Barron for his birthday?

Trump:  Who?

Jared:  Barron.  Your son.

Trump:  My wife took care of that … um …

Jared:  Melania.

Trump:  I know.  I know.  But did you hear me, “secret agreement or cooperation especially for an illegal or deceitful purpose.”  Isn’t that what we did?

Jared:  [Nervous laughter]  Wha-at?  No!  When?

Trump:  All those times I kept saying over and over, “No collusion.  No collusion.”  I must look like a real dope.

Jared:  Not at all, sir.  The latest polling shows that you are still holding strong among white voters with a 6^th grade education.

Trump:  I mean, why else would I have hired Manafort?  Do you think I should say something? 

Jared:  No-o-o.  What for?

Trump:  But I said it over and over again.  I’m sure I could come up with something smart sounding on how I didn’t know what the word meant.

Jared:  [Stops to think for a second]  Sir, I forgot to tell you.  There is a problem with the sprinkler system at Mar-A-Lago, so you might not be able to get a round in this Friday afternoon.

Trump:  [Suddenly incensed]  What?  Why wasn’t I told about this?  Which one of our cabinets handles water?  Interior?  [Picks up phone]  Get me FEMA, now!

[Jared slips out of office and gives WH aide the a-ok signal.]

Melania: How Many Years Will Donald Get?

The White House

March 8, 2019

Attorney:  I was a little surprised to get your call, Mrs. Trump.  Counsel to the First Lady is normally just a ceremonial post.  What can I do for you?

Melania:    So you are a real attorney, right?  And our conversation is private, right?

Attorney:  Yes and yes.

Melania:    Okay, how many years will Donald get?

Attorney:  What?

Melania:    How many years?

Attorney:  I am afraid I do not understand what you are referring to, Mrs. Trump.

Melania:    Look.  I know everyone thinks I’m dumb, but I read the papers.  I see that everyone thought that awful Manafort person was going to spend the rest of his life but he only got 4 years.  So that’s why I want to know: how many years will Donald get?

Attorney:  Well, you see Mrs. Trump, Mr. Manafort was convicted in federal court of a crime, and then pleaded guilty to further charges.  Whereas, the President has not even been formally charged with any …

Melania:    How many years?

Attorney:  I know you want a legal opinion, and I could only speculate because …

Melania:    [Screaming] How many years?

Attorney:  Okay, okay.  As I see it, the President faces the most exposure on obstruction of justice charges.  So assuming he was convicted, and assuming he received as generous a sentence as Mr. Manafort, I would say he’s looking at about 2 years.

Melania:    [Panicked] 2 years!  2 years!  That’s all?

Attorney:  Again, that’s all speculation, but, yes, I would say about 2 years.

Melania:    But I’ll still be young when he gets out, and he’ll still want to … Oh god, this is a disaster!

Attorney:  [Tugging at collar] I must say, Mrs. Trump, this is a highly irregular conversation, so …

Melania:    What if I talked to Mr. Mueller?

Attorney:  [Panicked] Excuse me?

Melania:    What if I talked to this Mr. Mueller?  I know things.  Do you think Stormy Daniels was the only bimbo he paid off?

Attorney:  Mrs. Trump, technically, I am on the White House staff, so it would be a conflict of interest for me to reach out to the Mueller investigation.

Melania:    Fine, fine, I’ll just have to find someone else.  [Muttering angrily] 2 years!

Attorney:  Good day, maam.  [Hurries to door]

Melania:    [On phone]  Hello, can you get me Hillary Clinton?  She’s an attorney, right?

Breaking: Trump Organization Kept No Records

March 6, 2019

Hannity:  Tonight on a special “Hannity” we are fortunate to have as our guest, once again, the 45^th President of the United States, Donald Trump.  Good evening, Mr. President.

Trump:    Good evening, Sean.  Always great to be here.

Hannity:  Mr. President, once again you are the target of unfounded attacks by the radical wing of the Democratic party.  How are you coping?

Trump: Just fine, Sean.  The American people voted for strong leadership in 2016, and a strong leader does not wilt.

Hannity:  Well said, sir.  But these abortion-loving socialists just will not stop.  Now they want you tax returns and business records going back 10 years.

Trump:   It’s another witch hunt, Sean.

Hannity:  Sir, have you thought about calling their bluff?  Why not just give them the records and show them that you have nothing to hide and that you were an honest businessman?

Trump:   I can’t do that, Sean, because there are no records.

Hannity:  I’m afraid there is a problem with my audio.  I thought you just say that there are no records.

Trump:   No, you heard me.  There are no records.

Hannity:  So, no tax returns, contracts, invoices?

Trump:   None.

Hannity:  Lease agreements, earnings statements, audit reports?

Trump:    All up here, Sean [taps forehead]

Hannity:  [Confused] Why, sir, that’s un-be-lieve-able.  [Perks up] I’m sorry, what I mean is, that’s amazing!

Trump:    I know, Sean.  I laugh when I think about how all these supposedly smart guys with their billions of dollars who waste so much money on records.  Who needs it?  If they just had big brains like me, they wouldn’t need all those records.  It's all up here, Sean, how much we paid to every consultant, lawyer, shredding company, you name it.

Hannity:  But, sir, aren’t you required by law to maintain certain records?

Trump:    Yeah, every once and a while some pencil pusher shows up and says he wants to see this file, or that bill of sale.  We just tell him we’ll mail it later -- heh, heh -- a lot later.  This is one of the reasons my administration is working hard to get rid of all the red tape that businessmen have to put up with.

Hannity:  But still, sir, I know that the Trump Organization was involved in a lot of transactions that involved complex valuations.  How were you able to come up with these figures without …

Trump:  [Interrupting] Sean, you forget [taps forehead again], this brain knows more about real estate than any stinking spread sheet.

Hannity:  But again, aren’t there laws …

Trump:    Sean, Sean.  It’s not like I killed somebody.  And come to think about it, if I did, there wouldn't be any record of it, because I’m not one of those people who would come home and write down “Today I killed somebody” and put it in a file.  So when the police came, I could just say [Screen goes blank]

Hannity:  [tugging at collar]  Well, we seem to have lost our feed with the President.  So when we come back, we’ll just show the video of when I told that American-hating foreigner to go fuck himself.  And be sure you tune in for ‘Fox & Friends’ tomorrow when the panel will predict what anti-Semitic statement Ilhan Omar will make next.

And Now For Our Next National Emergency: Saturday Night Live

Situation Room – White House

March 4, 2019

Trump: Okay, you all know why we’re here.  It’s been three weeks since I declared a National Emergency and so far it’s been a dud.  Miller told me that there would be anti-immigrant riots by now.

Aide 1:  Hey, where is Steve?

Trump: [Angrily] Not coming.

Aide 2: We know it’s been disappointing so far, but we’re confident that after the first court hearings there should be a surge …

Trump: Court?  I might be dead by then.  We need something fast, before you know who starts FedExing indictments.

Aide 1:  What did you have in mind, boss?

Trump: Fortunately, someone around here has been thinking.  Tell them what you’ve got, kid.

Aide 3: We seize a television show.  Not just any show.  Saturday Night Live!

Aide 2:  We’ve been through this, boss.  You can’t shut down the show because they make fun of you.

Trump: I know.  We’ve got something better.  Tell them.

Aide 3:  We’ll call it an anti-trust action.

Trump: Hear that?  All legal.

Aide 1:  Okay.  I’ll bite, how is this an anti-trust action?

Aide 3:  Just ask anyone.  Saturday Night Live has had a monopoly on that time slot for like a hundred years.  It’s only fair that some other show gets a chance.

Aide 2:  Actually, about 45 years.   But how are you going to seize the show?

Aide 3:  The President seems to have an idea or two about this.

Trump:  Okay, you know how they always have that loser Alec Baldwin do his pathetic imitation of at the start of the show.  Picture this: right after the lights come on, I come out surrounded by a group of federal agents, armed to the teeth, and I tell him: ‘This is a national emergency and …’

All:         “… you’re fired.”

Trump: See, pure gold.

Aide 1:  Okay, let’s suppose we can get the Attorney General to write off on this, who do we put on as a replacement?

Trump: I was thinking Youngman.

Aide 2:  Yes, it should be a young man, sir.  But should he be …

Trump: Not a young man!  Youngman.  Henny Youngman.  You must have seen him.  He plays the violin, tells jokes.  One time we were at his show …

Aide 1:  Sir.

Trump: … and he saw me and did this whole bit on Ivana’s accent.  You should have heard him,  “Eets zo beeg.”  God, I laughed so loud.  Ivana, though, she …

Aide 1:  Sir!

Trump: [Annoyed] What?

Aide 1:  I’m pretty sure that Henny Youngman is dead.

Aide 3:  [looking at his phone]  He’s right, sir.  It says here he died in 1998.

Trump: 1998?  So that’s why he couldn’t do my inaugural.   Okay, I’ll leave it to you guys to work out the details.  “Outnumbered” is coming on. [Walks out, closing door behind him.]

Aide 2:  So how did he find you?  Did you win a contest or something?

Aide 3:  Most Re-tweets – January 2019.  And you?

Aide 2:  October 2018.  How about you?

Aide 1:  Well, let's just say my Uncle Vladimir knows a guy, who knows a guy ...

What Went Wrong in Hanoi

Washington, DC

March 1, 2019

We asked a member of the American delegation to the recent summit meeting between President Donald Trump and North Korean Leader Kim Jong-Un in Hanoi for his comments on why the two leaders failed to come to an agreement.  He asked that we not use his name – and that we emphasize that it definitely was not Secretary of State Mike Pompeo.

-  It was not so much one moment, as a series of missteps.  That gift got things off to a really bad start.

-  What gift?

-  The President wanted to make a very personal gesture, so he decided to give Kim a set of golf balls with US and North Korean flags embossed on them.

-  That sounds like a nice idea.

-  It would have been if they had used the right flag.

-  No, you don’t mean that …

-  That’s right.  South Korean flags.  You see, the President put Don Jr. in charge of this.  Of course, official registers do not use “North” and “South” Korea, so he just assumed that South Korea would have “Democratic” in its name, so he went with the other one.

-  I’m surprised the North Koreans didn’t leave right away.

-  Actually, the President handled that deftly, only now he has committed to building a golf course somewhere near the North Korean-Russian border.

-  How did things go after that?

-  Not great.  Then the President and Chairman Kim had their private meeting.  This is when the President was supposed to try to show Kim a path on how North Korea could emerge from its isolation.

-  And?

-  According to the President, he spent most of the meeting asking Kim about all the ways he has had his enemies executed.

-  [Stunned silence]

-  Yeah.

-  But then there was the final meeting.

-  That’s right.  The discussion was moving rather tentatively, when the President asked if Chairman Kim had heard about the Cohen hearings.  Chairman Kim said he had.  The President asked Chairman Kim how he would have Cohen executed if Cohen was his former lawyer who was now ratting him out.  Chairman Kim said angrily, “Again with the executions,” then got up and left.

-  But what about the North Korean nuclear weapons program?

-  That’s a very good question.  

Kim: How Can I Trust Trump?

From The Pyongyang Times (2/27/2019)

Reporter:  General Kim, Shining Sun to your People, would you please tell the North Korean people a few words on how you brilliantly handled negotiations with the capitalist running dog today.

Kim:  You mean, Trump, okay I guess.  But I feel a little uneasy.

Reporter:  Are you saying that the Americans are not yet ready to admit their humiliating defeat at the hand of your Grandfather, the Eternal President?

Kim:  Yeah, well that was never going to happen.  No, I have been following the testimony of Michael Cohen.  Did you know Trump has been lying all this time about the WikiLeaks emails?  I was like “wow, how can I trust this guy?”  I was ready to sign away our nuclear weapons, but how do I know he’s not lying about all the food aid.  I don’t know what to do.  It’s at times like this that I wish I hadn’t killed all my older and wiser relatives – don’t print that!

Reporter:  Of course, Supreme Leader.  I will write that you are receiving advice directly from your Father, the Beloved and Respected General Kim Jong-Il. 

Kim:  I like that.

Reporter:  Chairman Kim, what brilliant strategy will you pursue now?

Kim:  Well if I told you then ... oh never mind. Put it this we, the capitalist dog had better keep his eyes open.