A Meeting of the Anti-COVID Liberation Front

Somewhere in Middle America, a group of heroes convened in an empty tavern to save the Republic from Tyranny

Joe:  Fellow Patriots!  It’s heartwarming to see that so many of you answered the call to save our nation.  First of all, let’s take roll.

Dave:  Joe, is that really necessary?  There’s only 13 of us.  And maybe there shouldn’t be any record of who’s here, because technically we are breaking the 10-person limit on gatherings, so [notices angry stares] …. I guess I’ll stop talking now.

Joe:  Okay, we’ll dispense with the roll and get right into our plan of action.  Now, first ….

Ed:  Joe?  I see everyone else brought their AR-15s.  No one told me we were going in armed.

Joe:  Of course we’re going in armed.  We’re patriots!

[Brief whooping]

Ed:  But who are we fighting?

Joe:  Um, no one, really, but we need to show them that we’re not afraid of any lib dem radicals.

Dave:  Are there going to be lib dem radicals?  I forgot my tac-glasses.

Joe:  No, no, no.  The lib dem radicals are all home hiding under their blankets.  The guns are for effect, to show … to show … [getting flustered] it doesn’t matter, we’re going in armed and that’s that.  Ed, you can stand in back.  Now, as I was saying, on this great day, we are going to show the Zionist-occupied world order that they don’t control us; that we … we … we’ll continue if Dave wouldn’t mind paying attention.

Dave:  [Hastily putting away iPhone]  Sorry, Joe, just a work email I had to look at.

Woody:  Work email?  What do you do?

Dave:  I’m an accountant.  Don’t tell anyone, but this shutdown has been a godsend.  I never get this much done at the office, what with all the ... [notices angry stares] ... I guess I'll stop talking now. 

Joe:  [Sarcastically] Thank you, Dave.  Now, it’s plain as day that the deep state people are using this virus hoax to take away our rights.  If we don’t take a stand … [angrily] what now, Ed?

Ed:  If the virus is a hoax, how come we’re all wearing masks?

Joe:  We always wear masks, Ed.

Ed:  But how come our seats are pushed so far apart?

Joe:  I don’t know, Ed, maybe that’s just the way they were.  Can we get on with it?

Ed:  Okay.

Joe:  So the first thing we do when we get to the Statehouse is …

[All dive to floor after short burst of gunfire.]

Joe:  [Dusting self off] Okay, what the fuck was that?

Woody:  Sorry everyone.  I thought someone was breathing on me.

Joe:  I’m pretty sure we all know the plan.  We stand in formation on the Statehouse steps and hold up these beautiful signs that the Patriot Ladies Auxiliary sewed for us.  I thought we it would be a good idea if we travelled in as few vehicles as possible.  So, Dave and Larry, you ride with me.  Ed and Tom, you ride with Woody.  [Looks up to alarmed faces]  Or, maybe we all ride in our own cars.

Harry:  Hey, the President just tweeted “Liberate Minnesota”

[Wild cheering]

Ed:  Don't we live in Michigan?

Melania Has Already Spent Her Stimulus Check

White House - Situation Room

April 15, 2020

Trump:  Hey, Steve, could you hang on for a minute?

Mnuchin:  Of course, Mr. President, and if I could just say again, that I continue to be inspired by your firm leadership during this crisis.  Why, I was just telling …

Trump:  Can it.  I know I’m a great President already.  The thing is, I almost hate to bring it up, but Melania hasn’t gotten her check yet.

Mnuchin:  Her check?

Trump:  You know, her $1,200, like all Americans are getting.  As for me, of course, I won’t be accepting it, but Mrs. Trump has already spent hers on a necklace or something.

Mnuchin:  Sir, I thought you understood.  Not all Americans are getting a $1,200 check, and if you made more than $100,000 last year, you do not get anything.  Now I am guessing that Mrs. Trump will not be eligible for a check.

Trump:  Well, what will we have to do to make her eligible?

Mnuchin:  Make her eligible, sir?

Trump:  Yeah.  Do I have to re-file our taxes or something?

Mnuchin:  With all the scrutiny your taxes receive, I’m not sure that would be wise.  Couldn’t you just pay for the necklace, sir?

Trump:  Listen, Melania is an independent gal.  She was really happy to buy something with money she earned herself!

Mnuchin:  Well, sir, then maybe you could just write a check, and tell her that you took it out of the Treasury instead of your personal account?

Trump:  Good idea, but her kid …

Mnuchin:  Barron?

Trump:  Yeah, him, he already explained to her that I can’t do that.

Mnuchin:  [Laughing] Well, I guess I could have our guys at IRS print your name on the stimulus check, that way …

Trump:  Okay, do it.

Mnuchin:  [Alarmed] But, sir, that would probably cost millions of dollars, and …

Trump:  So, you can do it.  Thanks for taking care of it.  You’re a real pal.

Mnuchin:  [Yells at departing Trump] You’re an inspiration to us all, sir!

Trump: I Want My !@#$ Shot Now!

White House – Outside the Oval Office

April 14, 2020

Trump:  [Heard shouting from behind door] Where’s my shot?  I want my shot!

Aide:  Thank God, you’re here.

Pence:  He’s still at it?

Aide:  Yes, Mr. Pence, and his next briefing is in a half hour.  You just have to calm him down so that he won’t sound even more, um, um, "passionate" than usual.

Pence:  I’ll see what I can do. [Enters office]  Hello, Mr. President, I hear you are still inquiring about the availability of a COVID 19 vaccine.  Well, ..

Trump:  [Grabbing Pence by the collar]  I told you to spare no expense!  I want my !@#$ shot, and I want it now!  I’m planning on cashing in big time when I leave this place, so the last thing I need is to catch that Chinese virus.

Pence:  Mr. President, as we’ve explained, no one enters the White House without being tested for, um, the Chinese virus, so you really have nothing to worry about.

Trump:  Tests?  You think I trust tests?

Pence:  Well, sir, even if one of the tests failed, and in the unlikely event you were infected, there’s always hydroxychloroquine.

Trump:  What?

Pence:  You know, sir, the “game changer” that you have been mentioning almost daily?

Trump:  Are you kidding?  I wouldn’t give that snake oil to Marla’s kid.  I need a shot!  Where’s my shot?

Pence:  Well, sir, as I, Dr. Fauci, Dr. Birx, Mr. Azar, Mr. Hannity, President Putin, Crown Prince bin Salaam, Mrs. Trump, Mrs. Kushner, Barron, and many others have tried to explain to you, vaccine development takes time. 

Trump:  Time!  I haven’t got time which means you haven’t got time!  If there’s no vaccine in two weeks I swear I’ll rip that !@#$ Sunday school smirk off your face!

[Pence exists office]

Aide:  Well, how is he?

Pence:  I haven’t seen him this calm in weeks.

Trump: First We Re-Open the Golf Courses

White House – Situation Room

April 12, 2020

Pence:  As we all know, President Trump [hesitates as all bow their heads] has tasked us with developing a strategy for re-opening the economy.  Now, …

Aide 1:  Mike, like Dr. Fauci said, it’s too early to talk about re-opening the economy. 

Pence:  Settle down, we all have great respect for Dr. Fauci [faint chicken clucks heard in background], but when we are ready, we’ll need a plan.

Aide 2:  But why can’t we just move ahead now, Mike?  Like President Trump [hesitates as all bow their heads] has said, we have all those hydorofax, I mean chlorozide, I mean, um, um, COVID cure pills.

Pence:  Okay, let’s stay focused on the economic plan.  Now, when we are ready to get things moving, President Trump [hesitates as all bow their heads] has laid out his priorities.  First, we open the golf courses, then, …

Aide 1:  Hold on a second, did you say golf courses?  I’m not sure that I hear too many Americans clamoring for golf courses to re-open.  What about …

Pence:  The American public, which voted overwhelmingly for President Trump [hesitates as all bow their heads, while glancing for looks of disbelief] in 2016 because they trust his judgment.  If you will allow me to continue, first, we open the golf courses, then, we open the hotels.

Aide 2:  Hotels!  Now there’s a good idea.  The tourism industry really took a knockout blow during all this.

Pence:  I thought you’d like that one.  So, this means that the first step should be to re-open all golf resort facilities, thus combining the top two priorities.  Now to get this done, these facilities will need debt forgiveness, Federal loans, and curtailment of any investigations into their pre-COVID labor practices.

Aide 1:  [Uncomfortable silence] Um, Mike, wouldn’t that mean …

Fauci:  [Enters to embarrassed silence]  Sorry I’m late, someone must have given me the wrong room number.

Trump Really Misses Golf

Overheard Outside a White House COVID-19 Briefing

Reporter:  Come on, Joe, the old boy really can’t be serious about ending social distancing so soon.  Is it all for show?

WH Aide:  No, he is really serious about this.  In fact, it’s pretty personal.

Reporter:  You mean he wants to look like a decisive leader to his base?

WH Aide:  No, he has tickets to the Masters this year.

Reporter:  The Masters?

WH Aide:  Yes, it’s a golf tournament.  They play it …

Reporter:  I know that, but I still don’t understand why it’s so important.

WH Aide:  Are you kidding?  It’s easier to buy a congressman than to score tickets to the Masters, but this year he got lucky in the lottery.

Reporter:  The lottery?  But he’s President of the United States.  Can’t he just call them up and say he’s coming?

WH Aide:  You don’t think he’s tried that?  They are really strict at Augusta.  This year’s tournament has already been postponed and if this social distancing goes on much longer, he’s afraid they might cancel.  He thinks this year might be his last chance to go.

Reporter:  What about next year?

WH Aide:  Let’s say, last chance to see it in person, instead of on a wide-screen TV at a minimum security federal prison.

Reporter:  It’s starting to make sense.

Why Can't They Call Me "Doctor Trump"?

The White House
March 24, 2020

Trump:  We have to get rid of this Fauci guy now!

Aide:  But sir, Dr. Fauci, is our nation’s foremost medical expert on viral infections and immunology.  If we were to lose him ….

Trump:  Doctor Fauci this and Doctor Fauci that.  Why does everyone have to call him Doctor?  Has anyone checked to see if he is a real doctor?

Aide:  [Shoulders slump]  Yes, sir.  Dr. Fauci has a medical degree, board certification and over 50 years experience.  Then there are his honorary degrees, his awards, his …

Trump:  Okay.  But couldn’t we start calling me Doctor Trump.  Don’t I have one of those – wadda you call them – honorable degrees?

Aide:  I believe you were scheduled to receive an honorary degree but Trump University had to close its doors before the actual ceremony.

Trump:  I told Junior we pulled the plug too soon, but he didn’t listen, just like no one listens to me now just because I’m not a doctor! 

Aide:  Sir, this is just a suggestion, but perhaps you could speak with Dr., um, Mr. Fauci, before one of your press briefings to discuss whether your comments will be danger…, um, accurate?

Trump:  Well, we could see, but [Phone rings] That’s Hannity, gotta take this, so [waves aide away]

Aide:  [In the hallway to another aide] Double the guard on Fauci, quick.

Trump-Putin: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 4)

Washington-Moscow

March 13, 2020

Trump:  Vlad, are you there?

Putin:  Yes, Donald, I am here.  What is the trouble?  My aide tells me you sounded upset.

Trump:  I am, Vlad.  You see – and by the way, I still think it’s really cool that you let me call you Vlad – you must have been reading about this whole coronavirus thing.  I’m not sure I said it right.

Putin:  You said it perfectly, Donald.  But what is the problem?

Trump:  It’s just that after that whole impeachment thing blew over it looked like I was finally going to have some fun as president, like we talked about, but now, everyone is mad at me again.  I mean, how was I supposed to know that this thing in China might spread across the world?

Putin:  Yes, Donald, that does not look good.  It is too bad that you did not have an agency in place to identify potential global health problems and so your country could be ready to react.  We, for example, have …

Trump:  Vlad, I have to interrupt you.  That’s just it, we did, but I got rid of it – or at least that’s what they tell me.

Putin:  Oh, that is bad, Donald.

Trump:  And then my dopey son-in-law told me I should give a speech to calm everyone down, but it was a disaster.  The stock market fell by like a zillion points.

Putin:  I know that is what everyone is saying, but I saw the speech Donald and I thought you did well. [Snickering in background]

Trump:  Gee, thanks.  Really?

Putin:  Yes, Donald.  Now listen, do not get down.  I have left a trail of bodies across Europe and Russia, but this week they made me ‘President-for-Life.’  Things will look up.

Trump:  Do you think so?

Putin:  I do.  And once our plan works out we will look back on the ‘Chinese flu’ and laugh.

Trump:  Um, Vlad.

Putin:  Yes, Donald.

Trump:  I know we have been over this before, but I really think it would help me out if I knew just what our plan is.  You keep promising to tell me.

Putin:  Soon, Donald, very soon.

Trump:  Okay.  Well, it was nice talking to you Vlad.  And Melania sends her best.

Putin:  I know Donald.