Trump Still Needs A Lawyer

Palm Beach, FL
June 17, 2023

“The dozens of attorneys who have defended Trump since 2016”
Washington Post, June 17, 2023

DT: Damn it!  Another one hung up on me!
ET: Dad, I don't think you're going to find another attorney this way.
DT: What do you mean, Eric?  I’m Donald Trump, I’m sure there are plenty of lawyers out there who would dream of having me as a client.  Dial the next one.
ET: Dad, the last one had a greeting that started “Unless you’re former President Donald Trump, please hold for the next available operator.”
DT: What?!  I’ll sue them.  That’s gotta be a violation of my 3rd Amendment Rights!
ET: Really?!
DT: Yeah, a lot of people think there are just two, but Rudy told me about this one.
ET: And why can’t Uncle Rudy handle this one again?
DT: I told you [mimes drinking from a bottle].
ET: Oh yeah.  But listen, Dad, I’ve got an idea.
DT: I’m all ears.
ET: Let me represent you!
DT: What?  You’re not a lawyer.  Wait, are you?  Sorry, it’s hard for me to keep track of all of the graduation cards I had my secretary send.
ET: Good call, Dad, I’m not, but I don’t have to be!
DT: Are you sure about this?
ET: Yeah, I saw it in a movie once.  I’m pretty sure it was even on CourtTV, so it must be real.
DT: I don’t know.  Between you and me, this actually kind of serious.  I should probably have a lawyer who knows their way around the court room.
ET: Like Sydney Powell?
DT: Okay, you got me on that one, but still, do you know how to handle yourself at a trial? 
ET: Just like you taught us, Dad, it’s all about attitude.  Picture this:  the judge says “You’re out of order,” then I stand up and say “No, you’re out of order!”  And if I’m ever really lost, I’ll just walk over by the jury and say, “Excuse me, but could you explain that to all of us non-lawyers!”  
DT: Heh-heh-heh.  I’d love to see that.  That stupid judge wouldn’t know what to say.
ET: See.  Come on, Dad.  Let me do it.  I’ve always wanted to make it up to you for when I blabbed about all the Russian money.
DT: I forgave you for that a long time ago, son, but …
ET: [Interrupts excitedly] So does that mean that …
DT: … but I’m afraid the damage can’t be undone. The will stays the same.
ET: [Dejected] Okay. 

A 'Top Secret' Trump Birthday

Mar-A-Lago, Palm Beach, FL
March 20, 2022

Trump: Happy Birthday, son!
Barron: Wow, you remembered.  And you almost spelled my name right on the card!
Trump: Huh?
Barron: It’s B-A-R-R-O-N, with 2 Rs.
Trump: Are you sure?  Because I could swear that …
Melania: [Clears throat loudly]
Trump: Oh well, sorry about that champ.  Anyway, I got you something really special.
Barron: [Opening wrapping paper]  It’s … it’s … a bunch of papers.  I don’t get it.  What are these, dad?  And why do they all have TOP SECRET stamped all over them?
Trump: Are you kidding?  What you are holding is a gold mine, um… um… Barron.  [Whispers to Melania] Am I pronouncing it right?
Barron: How’s that, dad?
Trump: These aren’t just any secrets, son. Believe me, there are lot of people ready to pay a lot of money for these papers.
Barron: What people?
Trump: Don’t worry son, they’ll find you.
Barron: That sounds kind of scary, dad.  Couldn’t you just give me the money?
Trump: [Nervously] Heh-heh-heh.  Well, Aunt Ivanka thought it would be better this way.
Barron: Aunt Ivanka?  You mean she isn’t my sister?  I mean ‘half-sister.’  She said to always remember that.
Melania: [Testily] You’re right, dear.  She is your sister, though for some reason she has double your share in your father’s will.
Trump: I said we’ll talk about that later.  But come on, you mean you don’t like it?
Barron: I guess it’s kind of cool.  And I like the card. [Reading] Uh, dad, why is it stamped “On Behalf of Donald J. Trump?”
Melania: Donald!!
Trump: Sorry, gotta run.  I’m pretty sure I’m late for a deposition.

More Mar-A-Lago Revelations

August 14, 2022

In response to the shocking news about the FBI search warrant for illegally stored documents at Mar-A-Lago, former President Trump’s son Eric speculated that seized documents contained nothing out of the ordinary, “"You'd have, you know, newspaper articles, pictures, notes from us…. “  AW News has since obtained the following family notes seized from the Trump vault. 

January 7, 1994
Dear Dad,
Thanks for the beautiful check!  It is really cool!  And $50 – almost as much as you gave Ivanka!  Only my name is Eric with a c, not a k.  Will the bank still take it?
Love,
Eric

February 8, 1995
Father,
If your idiot wife calls me Ivana one more time I am going to hit her.  Don’t be late again for our dinner on Friday – the caterer gets mad.
XOXO
Pumpkin

May 1, 1996
Dear Dad,
The people at Harvard tell me that the need at least a $25 million to accept me.  That shouldn’t be a problem, right?
Junior, i.e., Donald Junior -- your oldest son

August 6, 2002
Dear Dad,
My sister was really mean to me again in the elevator today.  What’s a bastard?  
Love you,
Tiff

August 9, 2002
Father,
Tell my half-sister to talk to my people if she needs anything. 
XOXO
Pumpkin

November 20, 2004
Hi Dad,
We were all wondering if we could look at your prenup before you marry that model lady.  Okay, it’s really Ivanka but she’s afraid to ask.  Think we could have a looksie?  Maybe at Thanksgiving dinner.  I’m invited, right?
Eric (with a c)

January 10, 2005
Dad,
I had a great time at the wedding.  Does “mom” have a hot sister?
Junior

September 20, 2005
Father,
I warned you to include a ‘no-child’ clause this time.  This one better not be coming out of my share.
XOXO
Pumpkin

July 15, 2016
Dear Dad,
Who’s this Penny guy?  I thought I would be your vice president.  Could you make me an ambassador or something?
Donald Trump, Jr., your oldest son and the main beneficiary of your will – right?

May 8, 2017
Dear Dad,
Sorry I blabbed about how much Russian money we take in.  Do you think that will be a problem?
Eric/Erik

March 22, 2019
Dear Dad,
It turns out the bank will not take a check made out to ‘Melania’s kid.’  Think I could have another?  It’s B-a-r-r-o-n.
Love,
Barron, i.e., Melania's kid