The Anti-COVID Liberation Front Covers Its Tracks

Somewhere in Middle America, a group of heroes convened behind a crowded tavern to continue their struggle to save America from Tyranny

Joe:  Ed, where’s your mask?
Ed:  I thought we weren’t supposed to wear masks because COVID was a hoax?
Joe:  How many times do we have to go through this – we aren’t wearing masks to protect ourselves from that hoax virus.  We need to hide our faces because we shouldn’t be seen together, ever since well …  Now do you have a mask or not?
Dave:  I have an extra [pulls a package of 20 surgical masks from pocket]
Ed:  Thanks
Joe:  Hey, what do you need all those masks for?
Dave:  Well, the CDC recommends that you wear a mask if you are going to be in a crowd, even if you’ve been vaccin… [Notices stares] I should probably stop talking now.
Joe:  Wait, you took the Fauci shot?
Dave:  No, Johnson and Johnson.  I wanted the one I could pronounce.
Joe:  Why do you think we all went to Washington to keep President Trump in office?  So we would line up like sheep for some shot of God knows what?
Ed:  I thought we went because those God-less socialists were trying to steal the election.
Woody:  I thought we went to keep our guns.
Joe:  Yeah,  all that stuff.  But I still can’t believe you got one of those stupid shots.  They probably put a tiny little microphone in your arm.  I’ll bet Nancy Pelosi is listening to us right now.
Dave:  I don’t think they have microphones that small, Joe, and if they did, I doubt Nancy Pelosi would be listening to us.
Joe:  It was just a figure of speech, Ed, and ….
Ed:  [Interrupting} What about Pfizer, Dave?
Dave:  What?
Ed:  [Nervously]  What about the Pfizer vaccine?  Do you think they have microphones in them?
Joe:  Wait, you too, Ed?  Has anyone else here got a vaccine?  [Everyone tries to avoid eye contact]
Joe:  Oh, geez, and here I thought we were all fighting for the same thing on January 6.
Dave:  I told you then it was a bad idea, Joe.
Joe:  Our president needed patriots like us.  And we wouldn’t have to be hiding in the alley if someone didn’t post pictures of us online.  [All look at Ed]
Ed:  I’m sorry.  I posted them to a private group.  I didn’t think anyone else could see them.
Joe:  [Mockingly] “I didn’t think anyone else could see them.”  How come I keep see them popping up every other day?  Just how many pictures did you take?
Ed:  Twelve.   I have twelve photos of us in the Capital from when we went to Washington as kids.  I was trying to get photos in all the same spots.
Dave:  Wow, that’s kind of neat.  Did your dad take the photos back then?
Ed:  No, some policeman took them.  [Alarmed] Oh no, do you think that could be the guy Joe threw the flag pole at?
Joe:  Shhhh …  How many times do I have to tell you to stop talking about that?  That’s why I wanted us to get together – to remind you that we can’t be blabbing those details.  You never know when Big Brother is going to be listening.  [Hears snickering]  And what’s so funny, Dave?
Dave:  Sorry, Joe, it’s just that you said big brother, because the other day I was telling my big brother about how Woody couldn’t get the cap off his bear spray.  Remember?  [Struggles to open imaginary can]
[All laugh]
Woody:  Oh yeah, well how about when Phil tripped running up the stairs and fell into that Proud Boy’s butt.
[More laughter]
Joe:  [Screaming angrily] Shut it.  This is what I mean.  Do you want everyone to know we stormed the Capital on January 6? Unless you want the FBI knocking on the door you’d better stop …
[Voice from the bar]:  Would keep it down out there, Joe!  We can’t hear the game.
Dave:  Busted, Joe [All laugh]
Ed:  Joe, where are you going?
Woody:  Wow, I haven’t seen him run that fast since he realized Trump wasn’t on his way to the Capital.

Trump-Putin: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 7)

 Palm Beach-Moscow

January 31, 2021

Trump:  Vlad?  Are you there?
Putin:  Yes.  Listen, Donald, how did you get this number?
Trump:  It wasn’t easy – and by the way, I just want to say again how cool it is that you let me call you Vlad.
Putin:  Actually, Donald, maybe it would be more appropriate if you started to address me as Vladimir Vladimirovich. 
Trump:  [Haltingly] Well, um, I guess I could try to call you, um, how’s that again?
Putin:  It’s all coming back to me.  Maybe we’d better stick to Vlad – for now. What is it, Donald?  How are you enjoying your retirement? 
Trump:  [Nervously] Retirement, heh-heh.  Good one, Vlad.
Putin:  No.  Seriously.  I heard that you are retired now. 
Trump:  Come on, Vlad.  I mean, I’m sorry -- again -- how I let you down in the election, but I wouldn’t say I’m retired.  I was just calling to see when would be a good time for Don Jr. to fly to Moscow. 
Putin:  Your son wants to see Moscow?  I don’t know, Donald, maybe you haven’t heard that the stupid Chinese virus is still hitting us pretty hard.  Maybe Don Jr. could come next year?  He could bring the kids.    
Trump:  No, this isn’t a pleasure trip.  Don’t tell me you forgot how you told me once I was out of office that you would give the green light for a Trump hotel the heart of Moscow.  You promised me a view of the Kremlin from the top twenty floors.  I thought it would be a good idea for Jr. to lay some of the groundwork with your people.   
Putin:  Actually, Donald, are you sure you have the financing for a new hotel in Moscow?
Trump:  Well, Vlad, I was hoping that you might be able to ….
Putin:  Sorry, Donald.  Have you heard about this Navalny fellow?  It’s like he has a video camera in my credit card.  So I’m afraid my people won’t be able to help you. 
Trump:  Ah, jeez.  I was really counting on that.  But, hey, I’ve never had a problem coming up with money.  So, should I tell Jr that … 
Putin:  Not so fast, Donald.  What about that $238 million note from DeutscheBank due in April?  And I hear your DC hotel lost $17.3 million last year?  And aren’t memberships at Mar-A-Lago ….
Trump:  Hey, how do you know so much about my finances?  If I didn’t know better I’d think you had a bug in my accountants office.  He-he, but that would be crazy, right Vlad?  Vlad?  Are you still there?
[Silence]
Putin:  Oh, sorry, Donald.  I have to run.  I’m building … I mean, a friend is building a little place on the Black Sea and there’s a problem with the tiles. 
Trump:  Hey, Vlad, I get it.  I only hope you can pay this kind of attention to my hotel. 
Putin:  Your what?  Oh, right.  Just let me know when you clear up your debts and we’ll talk. 
Trump:  But, Vlad, that could be a while.    
Putin:  Chin up, Donald.  I’m sure you’ll figure something out.  And don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll patch things up with Melania. 
[Line goes dead]
Trump:  [Turns] Sorry, son, looks like the trip to Moscow is off for a while.  Hey, what did he mean "patch things up with Melania"? 
Putin:  [Angrily] Who gave him this number?    

Trump Still Willing to Take Buyout

 The White House
January 10, 2021
 
Trump:  Come on in, Jared.  
Kushner:  Thank you, sir.
Trump:  I’ve come to a big decision.  I’m ready to walk away from all this, as long as we can come up with a figure.
Kushner:  [Visibly relieved.]  Oh, thank you, sir.  I was afraid to raise the question – especially after you threw a paperweight at Mr. Meadows the other day.  But really, at this point, resigning is probably best for the country – and for you!  Especially for you.
Trump:  Yeah, I think I’ve done all I can do anyway, and it looks like that witch Pelosi has talked the Joints Chief out my raid on Iran.  God, that would have been great. 
Kushner:  It certainly would have, sir.  Now, about that figure, I think we should move quickly, no more than a couple of days.
Trump:  A couple of days, 5 days – I don’t care as long as I get paid.  But I need to have my numbers straight.  I was thinking of asking for $100 million, but I’d probably settle for $50 million.  Think Pelosi will go for that?
Kushner:  [Confused] Sir, $50 million for what, exactly?
Trump:  My buyout, what else?  That’s the way it’s always worked.  When I stop making money from some deal, or when it just starts to become a pain in the keyster, I take off, but not before I secure some big buyout, for, you know, compensation.
Kushner:  But, sir, you have already been compensated.  You receive a salary.
Trump:  A few hundred K a year? That barely covers Earl’s allowance.
Kushner:  Earl, sir?
Trump:  My son.
Kushner:  You mean Barron?
Trump:  [Thinks for a second] Yeah, that's him.  Sweet kid.  Melania’s.
Kushner:  And besides that, sir, given the general mood in the country right now it’s not like you have a lot of leverage.  Congress is ready to impeach you -- again -- and I’m pretty sure that Mr. Pence would have gotten the remaining Cabinet members to declare you unfit for office if they didn’t keep avoiding his call.  I’m afraid your best option right now would be to resign and leave the city as quickly and quietly as possible.
Trump:  Quietly!  Why you … you … [rummages frantically among papers no desk]
Kushner:  Sir, would like me to find your paperweight so you can throw it at me? 
Trump: [Calms down] Forget it.  If I’m not getting a buyout I might as well go on being President.  Besides, Melania hasn’t finished picking which paintings she wants to keep. 
Kushner:  Paintings, sir?  
Trump:  Yeah, I know I called this place a dump, but there actually some really classy paintings here that will look great at Mar-a-Lago.  Besides, um, um, Barron – right? – has already drawn mustaches on some of them. 
Kushner:  [Nervously] Actually, sir, technically – but only in a strictly legal sense – those paintings don’t belong … which is to say, they, um … um…  [Turns and sprints for door]
Trump:  Geez, what’s his rush?  I guess he hasn’t picked any paintings out for himself.