Trump: Let's Wall Off The Whole Country

Outside the Oval Office

January 28, 2019

Aide 1:  [Closing door behind him]  Get Mr. Mulvaney, quick!

Aide 2:  What is it?

Aide 1:  He has a new idea.

Aide 2:  What is it?

Aide 1:  The wall.

Aide 2:  Has he given up on the idea?

Aide 1:  If only.  He wants a bigger wall.

Aide 2:  What?

Aide 1:  That’s right.  Someone convinced him that there was so little support for the wall during the shutdown because it would only affect the Southern border.  He thinks the rest of the country felt neglected. 

Aide 2:  So what’s his plan now?

Aide 1:  He wants us to draw up plans for a wall on the Canadian border, for starters, followed by walls along the Eastern and Western coasts.

Aide 2:  That’s crazy.  Doesn’t he realize …

Aide 1:  Let me stop you there.

Aide 2:  Right.  Let me try to find Mr. Mulvaney.

Putin-Trump: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 2)

Helsinki, Finland

July 16, 2018

VP:  Donald, about the wall you are planning to build.

DT:  [Laughs nervously]

VP:  Yes, Donald.  I have a company that you should consider hiring.

DT:  [More nervous laughter] Actually, Vlad ….

VP:  Donald, I understand.  You need to know what kind of work they will do.  Don’t worry, it’s the same company that just built the bridge to Crimea.

DT:  Well, in that case, I don’t think we can use them.  We probably can’t work with them because I’m guessing this company would be under sanctions.  That Congress!  [More nervous laughter]

VP:  Have no worries, Donald, their paperwork will be clean.  Now, who should we talk to in the Mexican government about setting up a contract.

DT:  The Mexican government?

VP:  Yes, the Mexican government.  Mexico will be paying for the wall, right?

DT:  [More nervous laughter]  You see, Vlad, Mexico never agreed to this.  I kind of made that up to make it sound better.

VP:  [Thinks for a moment]  This is good.  You can pay more.

DT:  Huh?

VP:  Mexico is a poor country.  You are a rich country.  I’ll tell Arkady to come up with some new …

DT:  [Pulling at collar]  Vlad …

VP:  … we had been thinking $25 billion, but now …

DT:  Vlad!

VP:  What Donald?

DT:  Here’s the thing, Vlad.  There won’t be a wall. 

VP:  I do not understand, Donald.

DT:  I never had any intention of building the wall.  This was just something that came to me once at a rally.  The crowd went crazy, so I just kept repeating it.  I didn’t think anyone took it seriously. 

VP:  [Stares with head on hands]

DT:  So you see, I won’t be able to hire your company to …

VP:  But there will be a wall.

DT:  Vlad?  Didn’t you just hear me?  This was just a cockamamie idea.

VP:  Donald, I have already promised Arkady.  I am a man of my word.  When we entered into our … ‘agreement’ … I thought you were also a man of your word.  If you want to back out now then I will have to …

DT:  No! Okay, I’ll think of something.

VP:  Very good, Donald.  There will be a wall.  Let me know when Arkady should start submitting plans.

DT:  [More nervous laughter]

Putin: We Must Insist on a Wall

Overheard in the Kremlin

Trump:  Vlad?  Vlad?  Are you there?

Putin:  Yes, Donald.

Trump:  I still think it’s so cool you let me call you ‘Vlad.’

Putin:  I know, Donald [wincing].  You tell me that every time we talk.  So how are things?

Trump:  Not good, Vlad.  Remember how you told me that the Democrats would cave in over the wall?

Putin:  Of course, Donald.  I remember everything.

Trump:  Well, they haven’t.  I even threatened to declare a national emergency last week last week and everyone laughed at me.

Putin:  Yes, Donald.  That was ill-advised.  I wish you had asked me about that first.

Trump:  I know, Vlad, but I didn’t want to bother you again.  As long as we’re talking now, don’t you think we can back down from the wall.  It would sure help me out if we could get the government working again.

Putin:  No, Donald.  I am afraid we must insist on a wall, like we discussed.

Trump: But, Vlad …

Putin:  Donald, listen to me.  You must have faith.  Remember back in 2016 when you were sure you were going to lose by a lot?  What happened then?

Trump:  You’re right.  But just so we’re clear, when this is all done I get to build my hotel in Moscow, right?

Putin:  Of course, Donald.

Trump:  Right next to that funny looking church?

Putin: [Laughter in background]  Just like I said, Donald.

Trump:  Thanks, Vlad.  I guess I just needed a little chat with an old friend.  Good bye.

Putin:  Bye, Donald. [puts down receiver]

Aide:  Well  Vladimir Vladimirovich, how does he sound?

Putin:  He’s wavering.  Get me Koch on the phone.

An Unofficial National Emergency

The White House

January 11, 2019

- Do you see how all those libs are foaming at the mouth whether I will declare a national emergency?  I told you this would work!

- Well played, sir.

- Now, we have to keep up the pressure.

- What do you mean?

- Don’t you get it?  I said there is a national emergency, so we have to do something.  Otherwise, tomorrow the headlines are going to be ‘Mueller this’ and ‘Mueller that’ all over again.  So let’s make it official.

- Again, sir.  I don’t follow.  Wasn’t your statement enough?

- I don’t know.  Maybe we need to mobilize … um … um … what’s the name of that group?  You made me go to their headquarters – the one over a McDonalds.

- Do you mean FEMA?

- Huh?

- The Federal Emergency Management Agency.

- Yeah, that’s the one.  Let’s get them rolling.  I want to see trucks rolling, people in uniforms running around, the whole works – we need good footage for Fox to run.  In fact, maybe I should …

- Sorry to interrupt, sir, we can’t do that.

- What do you mean we can’t do that?  I’m in charge here, so if I tell FEMA to jump, they jump!
- Sir, we can’t do that because FEMA has been furloughed.  I thought you knew that.
- Oh, crap.  What do I need to do, declare war?  Or did we furlough the army, too?

How about a Wall at Mar-a-Lago?

Washington, DC

January 4, 2019 (Day 14 of the Shutdown)

Hints from White House aides have raised hopes that an end to the partial government shutdown may near:

Aide: “You can expect to see the President offer a compromise in the next negotiating session with the Congressional leadership.”
A-W: “Is he still demanding the wall?”
Aide: “Not the wall, but a wall.”
A-W: “What do you mean?”
Aide: “Instead of a border wall that would extend for hundreds of miles and cost tens of billions of dollars, the President will settle for a sound wall at Mar-a-Lago along Saturn Boulevard.  Well, a sound barrier really, but it helps if you let him call it a wall.”
A-W: “Is this really that important to him?”
Aide: “Are you kidding?  Last month he was playing a round with Senator Graham – and let’s say there was a friendly wager riding on whether the President could make a 12-foot putt on the 3^rd green.  Right as he struck the ball, some passing motorist yelled “Trump sucks!” and, well …”
A-W: “He missed the putt?”
Aide: “Sadly, but Senator Graham was gracious enough to allow a do-over – (covering his mouth) and gracious enough not to notice that the President’s do-over putt was from 5 feet.”
A-W: “So how much will this sound barrier cost?”
Aide: “Sound wall, remember to call it a wall.  And we will be asking for $2 million.”
A-W: “I know that’s a stepdown from $5 billion, but it still sounds like a lot for a sound barrier.”
Aide: “Wall!  How many times do I …. Sorry, we know it’s a lot, but we promised that we would bring in NASA engineers and use the latest materials to insure that the wall is sound-proof.”
A-W: “Thank you.  I’m sure my readers will be very excited to hear about this sound b…. ‘wall’.”

Trump Willing to Discuss a Buyout

Breaking the Deadlock?

Breaking the Deadlock?

The White House

January 12, 2019 (Day 22 of the Government Shutdown)

Trump:  Come on in.  Mulvaney isn’t around to discuss this, so maybe you just take some notes and pass them along.

Aide:  Yes, sir.

Trump:  I’ve come to a big decision.  I’m ready to walk away from all this, as long as we can come up with a figure.

Aide:  Understood.  This is probably for the best, sir.

Trump:  Yeah, me too.  Now should we approach about this?

Aide:  I assume the congressional leadership.  Who else would it be, sir?

Trump:  Oh no, Pelosi?  Having to deal with her is one of the reasons I’m doing this.  But if I have to, I’ll give her a call.  But I need to have my numbers straight.  I was thinking of asking for $50 million, but I’d probably settle for $25 million.  Think she’ll go for that?

Aide:  Are you kidding, sir?  I’m sure as soon as Speaker Pelosi learns that you are ready to back down from that $5 billion for the Wall the government up and running in no time.

Trump:  $5 billlion?  Wall?  Government?  You’re not getting in it.  I’m talking about my buyout.  That’s the way it’s always worked.  When I stop making money from some deal, or when it just starts to become a pain in the keester, I take off, but not before I secure some big buyout, for, you know, compensation.

Aide:  But, sir, you have already been compensated.  You receive a salary.

Trump:  A few hundred K a year? That barely covers Earl’s allowance.

Aide:  Earl, sir?

Trump:  My son.

Aide:  You mean Barron?

Trump:  [Thinks for a second] Yeah, that's him.  Sweet kid.  Melania’s.

Aide:  And besides that, sir.  I’m not sure the congressional leadership, the Supreme Court, or anyone, sees being President of the United States as a “deal,” but as a constitutional responsibility.  The only way you could leave office would be to resign, with no buyout, or if you were to be imp—

Trump:  Shut up!  I know.  Giulliani has been over that.  Dammit, why did Cohen turn out to be a rat.  He always handled these things.

Aide:  So, sir, should I …?

Trump: Forget it.  If I’m not getting a buyout I’d might as well go on being President.  And by the way, you seem to know a lot about the constitution.  What kind of a lawyer are you?

Aide:  Lawyer, sir?  Actually, until last week I was parking cars, but then I won a contest run by our local Fox News station where the grand prize was a job at the White House.

Trump:  What?

Aide:  That’s right, sir.  According to the lady who filled out my paperwork, they’re having trouble finding people who want to work here.

White House Issues Further Advice for Furloughed Workers

President Trump has tweeted that furloughed Federal workers might want to consider looking for odd jobs to make ends meet while the partial government shutdown goes on.  In response to the overwhelming positive reaction, the White House decided to issue further advice to furloughed Federal workers:

Take a hike:  Why not take advantage of the furlough to get back in touch with nature.  Who knows how much longer it will last?

Go screw yourself:  What a perfect time to grab that Twister game off the shelf.

Get lost:  In this hurly-burly world, maybe now is a great time to lose yourself in thought.

Take off:  Can you say vacation?  Okay, the lack of pay might limit your travel options, but you must have one relative with an empty vacation property.

Drop dead:  This is only recommended for those with adequate life insurance – and check the impact of the furlough on your insurance benefits before taking any action.

Tend your garden:  We’re not sure what that means, but we’re told it sounds good.