Putin: I Never Said to Build a Wall!

The Kremlin

February 15, 2019

Aide:      So, Vladimir Vladimirovich, I see that President Trump finally declared a national emergency today.  Congratulations.

Putin:     What for?  I never told him to build a wall.

Aide:      But this is bound to cause turmoil in the US for months.  So I figured this was something that you, um. ‘suggested’ he do.

Putin:     All I wanted was for him to remove the sanctions – and fat chance we’ll get that now.  But come to think of it, I might have given him the idea.

Aide:      How so?

Putin:    One time we were chatting about Crimea.  I was telling him about the history and trying to explain how it was really Russian; he kept asking if there are any golf courses.  But I suddenly got his attention when I mentioned how we had to spend billions of dollars to build a bridge to get there.

Aide:      I still don’t understand.

Putin:     He didn’t believe that a bridge could cost that much.  So I said, “Donald, imagine that you built a wall across your Southern border with Mexico.”

Aide:     And?

Putin:    Well, I guess he did.

Aide:     So do you think they will build this wall?

Putin:   Absolutely not.  President Pence will put a stop to it.

Aide:     President Pence?  Don’t you mean …

Putin:   [Smiling]  Ri-i-ight, Vice-President Pence.

Putin-Trump: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 2)

Helsinki, Finland

July 16, 2018

VP:  Donald, about the wall you are planning to build.

DT:  [Laughs nervously]

VP:  Yes, Donald.  I have a company that you should consider hiring.

DT:  [More nervous laughter] Actually, Vlad ….

VP:  Donald, I understand.  You need to know what kind of work they will do.  Don’t worry, it’s the same company that just built the bridge to Crimea.

DT:  Well, in that case, I don’t think we can use them.  We probably can’t work with them because I’m guessing this company would be under sanctions.  That Congress!  [More nervous laughter]

VP:  Have no worries, Donald, their paperwork will be clean.  Now, who should we talk to in the Mexican government about setting up a contract.

DT:  The Mexican government?

VP:  Yes, the Mexican government.  Mexico will be paying for the wall, right?

DT:  [More nervous laughter]  You see, Vlad, Mexico never agreed to this.  I kind of made that up to make it sound better.

VP:  [Thinks for a moment]  This is good.  You can pay more.

DT:  Huh?

VP:  Mexico is a poor country.  You are a rich country.  I’ll tell Arkady to come up with some new …

DT:  [Pulling at collar]  Vlad …

VP:  … we had been thinking $25 billion, but now …

DT:  Vlad!

VP:  What Donald?

DT:  Here’s the thing, Vlad.  There won’t be a wall. 

VP:  I do not understand, Donald.

DT:  I never had any intention of building the wall.  This was just something that came to me once at a rally.  The crowd went crazy, so I just kept repeating it.  I didn’t think anyone took it seriously. 

VP:  [Stares with head on hands]

DT:  So you see, I won’t be able to hire your company to …

VP:  But there will be a wall.

DT:  Vlad?  Didn’t you just hear me?  This was just a cockamamie idea.

VP:  Donald, I have already promised Arkady.  I am a man of my word.  When we entered into our … ‘agreement’ … I thought you were also a man of your word.  If you want to back out now then I will have to …

DT:  No! Okay, I’ll think of something.

VP:  Very good, Donald.  There will be a wall.  Let me know when Arkady should start submitting plans.

DT:  [More nervous laughter]

Putin: We Must Insist on a Wall

Overheard in the Kremlin

Trump:  Vlad?  Vlad?  Are you there?

Putin:  Yes, Donald.

Trump:  I still think it’s so cool you let me call you ‘Vlad.’

Putin:  I know, Donald [wincing].  You tell me that every time we talk.  So how are things?

Trump:  Not good, Vlad.  Remember how you told me that the Democrats would cave in over the wall?

Putin:  Of course, Donald.  I remember everything.

Trump:  Well, they haven’t.  I even threatened to declare a national emergency last week last week and everyone laughed at me.

Putin:  Yes, Donald.  That was ill-advised.  I wish you had asked me about that first.

Trump:  I know, Vlad, but I didn’t want to bother you again.  As long as we’re talking now, don’t you think we can back down from the wall.  It would sure help me out if we could get the government working again.

Putin:  No, Donald.  I am afraid we must insist on a wall, like we discussed.

Trump: But, Vlad …

Putin:  Donald, listen to me.  You must have faith.  Remember back in 2016 when you were sure you were going to lose by a lot?  What happened then?

Trump:  You’re right.  But just so we’re clear, when this is all done I get to build my hotel in Moscow, right?

Putin:  Of course, Donald.

Trump:  Right next to that funny looking church?

Putin: [Laughter in background]  Just like I said, Donald.

Trump:  Thanks, Vlad.  I guess I just needed a little chat with an old friend.  Good bye.

Putin:  Bye, Donald. [puts down receiver]

Aide:  Well  Vladimir Vladimirovich, how does he sound?

Putin:  He’s wavering.  Get me Koch on the phone.