Assad in Kursk

December 9, 2024
Press Room – Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs
Moscow, Russian Federation

Reporter: Can you confirm that President Assad and his family are in Moscow?
[Spokeswoman Maria] Zakharova: No, I cannot confirm that because it is not true.
Reporter: What?  But his plane ….
Zakharova: [Laughing] Yes, it is true that when the CIA and Israeli band of criminals threatened his life in Syria, the Russian Federation extended a warm welcome to our good friend President Bashar Assad and his family.
Reporter: So he is in Moscow?
Zakharova: No, he arrived in Moscow but immediately declared to President Putin that as a man of action he wants to be of service to his Russian friends, so he demanded an urgent assignment, no matter how dangerous.
Reporter: Bashar Assad said this?  The same Bashar Assad who hasn’t been seen in public for 10 years and fled Damascus when the rebels were hundreds of miles away?
Zakharova: Yes, he said this. And he will confirm that when – or if – he returns to Moscow.
Reporter: What?  "If he returns"? Where is he now?
Zakharova: His exact location is a secret, but I can tell you that he is leading a team of commandos that will soon help liberate Kursk province from fascist occupation as part of the special military operation.
Reporter: Bashar Assad?  But he has no practical military training or experience.
Zakharova: President Putin is confident that Corporal, I mean, President Assad’s leadership skills will prove invaluable.
Reporter: Has he seen action yet?
Zakharova: No, there is still a language barrier.
Reporter: You mean he is working on his Russian?
Zakharova: Yes …. And Korean.
Reporter: This is unbelievable.  Isn’t President Putin afraid something will happen to him?
Zakharova: Of course, that’s why he has warned the Ukrainian fascists not to aim one of their highly accurate American missiles at the compound 3.27 kilometers southeast of Zorino where our air defenses are temporarily disabled.  [Puts hands to lips] Oops.  Please don’t print that.

Trump-Putin: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 8)

September 12, 2024
Palm Beach - Moscow 

Trump: Vlad, are you there?
Putin: Of course, Donald.  I’m sorry you had to wait on hold for so long, but you know, that pesky war in Ukraine is still going on.
Trump: [Angrily] Of course I know!  Did you see how during the debate I said exactly what you told me to say?
Putin: You did well, Donald.
Trump: [Dejectedly] I’m glad you think so, but you’re probably the only one.
Putin: What do you mean, Donald?  You were great.  You – how do you Americans say? – wiped the floor with her.
Trump: Oh yeah, then why is everyone saying that Harris won the debate?
Putin: Do you mean all those silly journalists and their ‘polls’?  Why take them seriously?
Trump: Not just them.  Even my son, um, um, …
Putin: Barron?
Trump: Yeah – how come I can never remember that?  Well, even Barron laughed at me when I came home.
Putin: Listen, Donald, you must trust me.  Do you trust me?
Trump: Of course, Vlad.
Putin: I hear that Harris wants another debate.  You should do it. 
Trump: But all my advisers are telling me ….
Putin: I’m sorry, your ‘advisers’?
Trump: I know that you are my best adviser, Vlad.  But you know, it would really help if you would just let me know once and for all what our end game is.
Putin: Donald, listen.  What if during the next debate one of those snooty journalists asks you if we have some secret plan.  I want you to be able to say, ‘of course not, and you’re a horrible journalist for asking this question.’
Trump: You’re right, as always.  Gee, I wish I was as smart as you with this stuff.  Sometimes I don’t know if I can keep going.
Putin: Donald, listen.  I was just saying to my friends, ‘what would you think about letting some Western real estate mogul build a hotel inside the Kremlin?’ and they think it’s a great idea.
Trump: Inside the Kremlin!  I’m a real estate mogul!  At least I think I still have my company.  I’m your man, Vlad.  I’ll do whatever you say.  And Vlad?
Putin: Yes, Donald. 
Trump: I still think it’s really cool that you let me call you Vlad.
Putin: I know, Donald.
[BOTH HANG UP]
Trump: [To advisers] Get, Karma, Karamel, um…, um…, whatever her name is!  Get her on the phone and tell her we’re on!

Post-Trial at Trump Towers

Trump Towers – Manhattan, NY
May 30, 2024

[Barron Trump walks into the kitchen and sees his mother and father]
BT: What’s he doing here?  I thought you said that …
MT: [Nervous laughter] Good news, son.  It turns out that in this country they don’t send you to jail right away when they find you guilty of a crime.
DT: That’s right, …. um …., champ, I mean ….
BT: Barron.  My name is Barron. 
DT: That’s right, Barron, you’re not getting rid of your dear dad that easily.
BT: Whatever.  I’m going back to my room.  I just wanted to tell you that I’m finished packing, mom.
DT: Packing?  Where’s he going?
MT: [More nervous laughter] Who knows?  Kids, right?
DT: Okay.  And come to think of it, where were you today?  I thought you said that you were going to be there for support.
MT: I was having my hair trimmed.  How was I supposed to know those people were going to find you guilty 34 times so fast?  [Stifles a giggle] You must not have had very good lawyers.
DT: Tell me about it.  None of them wanted to listen to me.
[They get up and walk into the next room]
DT: [Alarmed] Melania!  What are all these boxes doing here?  Are these from the golf club?  I told you that we have to keep these hidden in case the FBI comes snooping around.
MT: No, Donald.  These are not those boxes you have hidden in the kitchen at the club.  These are … um … well….
DT: Hey, didn’t there used to be a lot of art and stuff hanging on the walls?  And why couldn’t I find a spoon in the kitchen?  Wait a minute, are you planning on moving?
MT: Well, sweetheart, with you being in jail and everything, I decided to talk to a realtor, and he told me there’s a great market right now, so I thought I would just….
DT: Cut and run.  Isn’t that great.  Well I guess you didn’t read your prenup too closely or else you would know that if anything happens to me this place goes to …
MT: Ivanka.
DT: That’s right, Ivanka.  And I’m sure she would never …
MT: No, I mean Ivanka just walked in.
IT: Hi Melania, what’s he doing here?

The Barron Graduates

West Palm Beach, Florida
May 17, 2024

DT: How long is it going to be before our boy comes out?
MT: Look at your program!
DT: But they’re listed by first name, and …
MT: BARRON! Your son is about to graduate from high school but you still can’t remember his name!
DT: I knew I shouldn’t leave it to you to pick his name.  I would have picked a name easy for me to remember, like …
MT: You already have a son named Donald.  You can’t have two sons with the same name.
DT: Okay, what about …
MT: Eric?  Taken.  In case you’ve forgotten him, he’s sitting two rows behind us.
DT: [Turns and waves]  Okay, but what kind of name is Barron anyway?  I mean, is it popular in Sl…, Slaw…, Slew…, geez, this is embarrassing.
MT: I am from Slovenia. Slo-ven-i-a.  And no, Barron is not Slovenian.  I just thought it sounded classy, like he has a title.
DT: Who told you it was spelled with 2 r’s?
MT: You mean it’s not?!  That little !@#$ daughter of yours told me it was 2 r's. She even wrote it down so I wouldn't forget!
DT: Now dear, Ivanka is the brain in the family.  Maybe this is like, what’s it called, an alternative spelling.
MT:  That !@#$!  I remember now how she would always hold him and say, “he’s almost royalty,” then start laughing.   
DT: Come to think of it, where is my little prince…, I mean, Ivanka?
MT: She said she couldn’t make it.  I think she was making fun of me again because she said something about a ‘flea bargain.’  

Marjorie Taylor Greene, Author

Palm Springs, Florida
December 16, 2023

Trump: Enjoying yourself?
MTG: Like always!!!  Thanks again for finding us a room for the weekend.
Trump: I’m always happy to show my appreciation for your loyalty.
MTG: You can count on that, Mr. Trump, or should I say, President Trump.
Trump: I was just wondering if you might be more comfortable in the library, Marjorie … or should I say, Professor Greene?
MTG: [Putting hand to mouth] Oh my God, do you want me to leave?  Did I eat too much shrimp?  The sign says “All You Can Eat”!
Trump: [Chuckling]  Don’t worry about that.  When you pay $79.95 for a brunch buffet I’m not going to count the shrimp.  The thing is, I was talking to Sean last night …
MTG: [Yells] Hannity is the man! Woo!
Trump: [Smiling] That he is.  But as I was saying, Sean tells me that you read a book.
MTG: What?  No!!  I think you heard him wrong.
Trump: Now, Marjorie, don’t get sore, I won’t tell anyone that you’re one of those poindexters who reads books.
MTG: Seriously. I think what he told you was that I wrote a book, not read a book.  I wrote a book.
Trump: Forget the shrimp, now I’m starting to wonder how many mimosas you’ve put away.  You wrote a book?
MTG: Yup.
Trump: But to write a book, didn’t you have to read a whole lot of books?
MTG: [Snorts] Um, how many books did you read before you ‘wrote’ The Art of the Deal?
Trump: Oh yeah, good point.  
MTG: By the way, I’ve got a whole box of them in the the trunk of my car.  Maybe I could sign a copy for the library here?
Trump: That would be great.  Maybe my son, um …. wait …. don’t tell me …. um ….
MTG: Barron.
Trump: Why can’t I remember that?  Well, maybe Barron could write a book report on it for school.  At least, I think he’s still in school.
MTG: And sir, these run for $29.95, so I was wondering if when you calculate our bill you could … 
Trump: No can do, Marjorie.  You know I’d like to, but I bet if I gave you a break on your bill then Sleepy Joe would have some new prosecutor breathing down my neck.
MTG: Really?  I thought we made up all that stuff about …
Trump: [Sternly] I said, no can do.
MTG: [Dejectedly] Okay, I’ll go get the book. [Walks away]
Trump: [To passing attendant] Hey, pal.  Show my guest to the library when she gets back, she’s going to leave us a gift.
Porter: I’m sorry, sir, did you say the library?  
Trump: Yeah, where we keep all the books and stuff.  Don’t tell me we don’t have a library?
Porter: Sir, I thought you would remember when we were trying to find a place to store all your ….
Trump: [Panicked] Shut up about the … [whispering] boxes. [Looks around nervously]
[MTG returns with book]
Trump: You know, Marjorie, I think I am just going to give the book to 'Barron' -- if that's his real name -- as a Christmas gift. 
MTG: That would be an honor, sir.
Trump: So I guess that means I should pay you for it, but [pretends to pat jacket pockets] I don’t seem to have my wallet on me so I’ll have to get you later.
MTG: Sir, you didn’t try your pants pockets.
Trump: [Sternly] I said, I’ll have to get you later.  Now enjoy the shrimp.

The Trump Legal Team

 

Mar-A-Lago, Florida
September 1, 2023

[Two men in suits enter a banquet room where dozens are seated at tables]
Attorney 1: Ladies and, um, I guess there are only gentlemen here.  I hope you enjoyed the buffet, but now it’s time to get to business.  Thank you for coming in on short notice, but as you know, our client has a trial – actually, a series of trials – coming up, which means we need to settle on a winning defense strategy now.  Unfortunately, because several members of Mr. Trump’s legal team have decided to leave his employ and several others are, um, facing indictment or disbarment, we have had to assemble this group on the fly, but I’m sure if we put our heads together, we can make this happen.
Attorney 2: Given that Mr. Trump is facing several different charges on several different fronts …
Voice from the room: They won’t leave the poor man alone!
Attorney 2: … be that as it may, I thought it best if we tackle each case differently.  So then, let’s look at the Federal charges.  First, we have the documents case.  As I am sure you all know, these charges are being brought under the …
Voice from the room: It’s a crock.  It’s all because of that drug-addict maniac Smith guy got orders from Sleepy Joe Biden to ….
[Laughter and shouts of agreement.]
Attorney 1: Hold on there, sir.  I think it best if we try to keep our discussion limited to the legal dimensions.  Whatever our opinions might be of Mr. Smith, we need to fashion a strategy that addresses the [clears throat] quite impressive arguments and evidence in the indictment.  So, I think we might begin by looking at …
Voice from the room:  But it’s all lies!  Those are personal papers.  Those corrupt Bidens just know that President Trump will beat them – again – in 2024.
[Loud shouts of agreement.]
Attorney 1:  As I said, our discussion here should focus on the letter of the law.  Now during discovery we are hoping to see if …
Voice from the room: Discovery?  As soon as we “discover” the addresses of a couple of jurors we’ll have nothing to worry about.
[Cheering and chanting from the room]
Attorney 2: That would be highly illegal Mr. …, I’m afraid I don’t recognize you, sir.
Attendee: Peter Holland, at President Trump’s service.
Attorney 2: And what firm are you with, Mr. Holland?
Attendee: Holland’s Pool Patrol.
Attorney 1: I’m sorry, did you say Holland’s Pool Patrol?  You mean you are not an attorney?
Attendee:  Well, not in the way that, well, no.  But when I met President Trump Junior …
Attorney 2:  Do you mean Mr. Trump’s son?
Attendee: Yessiree. Well, I met him when I was cleaning his pool and we got to talking about how those woke Washington swamp rats keep going after President Trump and he said, ‘Pete, you’re just the kind of guy my father needs on his defense team.’  Next thing I know, I got an invitation to this meeting.
Attorney 1: Thank you, we appreciate your devotion to Mr. Trump, but, unfortunately, given the legal complexities, we only need input from those who actually understand legal complexities.
Attendee: But ….
Attorney 1: Sit, please.  Now then, given the, um, [shakes head] very impressive arguments and evidence in the indictment, I wonder if we should pursue some kind of settlement.  What if we were to offer …
Voice from the room: Would you mind standin’ up?
Attorney 1: Excuse me?
Attendee 2: You heard me.  I said, would you mind standin’ up?  I see the jacket and tie, but I was wondering if you’re wearing a tutu because only some little girl would suggest giving up instead of fighting this bullshit charge like a man!
[Boisterous yells from the room]
Attorney 1: [nervously] I see, and you would be …
Attendee 2: K.P. Darnell.  Patriot.  Ready for action – not all this squawking.
Attorney 1: Mr. Darnell – let me say that’s quite a belt buckle – are you an attorney, by chance?
Attendee 2: Are you kidding? How can a hard-working white guy like me get into elite law school with all those woke quotas and tests?  [Nods of agreement throughout room.]  I won this trip for contributing 6 months in a row to President Trump’s Defense Fund.  That’s what I told the guy out front and he showed me in here.
Attorney 2: Okay, show of hands: is anyone here an attorney?  Anyone?  Or paralegal?  Or watched a lot of Law and Order?
[Nervous looks – no one raises their hand]
Attorney 2: In that case, if you gentlemen would excuse my colleague and me, you can get back to the buffet.  Oh look, more shrimp.
[Attorneys leave room while all others rush to the buffet table]
Attorney 1: We knew this wouldn’t be easy.  Say, just how did you end up as a counsel to Mr. Trump?
Attorney 2: My our managing partner is an old friend of Trump.  We drew straws and guess who lost. You?
Attorney 1: I was afraid you might recognize me.  Season 5?
Attorney 2: The Apprentice!  I thought you looked familiar.  I didn’t know that you were a lawyer.
Attorney 1: I wasn’t, then.  After I won the contest, in addition to signing an NDA they made me take this lifetime loyalty oath. 
Attorney 2: Seriously?!
Attorney 1: Yep.  Even had to get down on my knees.  I thought it was just for show but then I got a call a couple of months ago from the big guy himself that started “I hear you finished Yale Law.  I need you fast.”
Attorney 2: Wow, that’s a great story.  Tell me, have you been …
Attorney 1: Paid?  No.  Funny how everyone around here gets tight-lipped when I ask about my fee.
Attorney 2: It would take a pretty big check to make this worth it.  We told our kids, 2 and 5, that Daddy stole a lot of money so now he’s hiding.  Somehow that sounded better than, you know, this.
Together: I need a drink.

Trump's New Man in Moscow

Mar-a-Lago, Fl – Moscow, Russia

June 24, 2023 – 5:00 pm US EDT

Putin: Donald, I’m a little busy, what do you need?

Trump: [Breezily] Me? I don’t need a thing.

Putin: Then why are you calling?

Trump: [Nonchalant] Oh, just to say goodbye.

Putin: You sound strange, Donald.  Are you going somewhere?

Trump: Me?  I’m not going anywhere – at least not until my next court date.  But this might be our last conversation so I just wanted to say goodbye.

Putin: Well, okay then, I am sorry that you are not going to try to stick to the plan to the end.

Trump: [Snapping] Don’t try to play me, Vlad – and by the way, I still think it’s so cool that you let me call you Vlad.  I heard that you’re on your way out.  Was that part of your little “plan” I’ve heard so much about?  As soon as I get this Wagner guy’s number, I’ll let him know he's got a friend in Donald J. Trump.

Putin: Who?

Trump: [Mockingly] Who? Don’t play dumb, Vlad.  I know that this guy Wagner is leading his army to Moscow to throw you out, so I guess he’s the guy I need to be dealing with.

Putin: First of all, Donald, I think the guy you have in mind is Yevgenii Prigozhin.  He just called his little army the Vag-ner Group because he’s an opera nut.  Second, if you followed the news you’d know that …

Trump: [Interrupting] Hold on, Vlad. [Turns around putting hands over phone] Did you get the guy’s number, Junior?

Trump Jr: [Whispering] Not yet, Dad.

Trump: Well, check Vagner – I think we’ve been spelling it wrong.  [Back on line] You still there, Vlad.  I know you think you’re so smart but you just gave me a great tip. [Banging on door in the background] What the …

Putin: What’s going on there, Donald?  The FBI again?

Voices in background: [Screaming] Wait!  Stop!

Trump: Sorry, Vlad.  I might have to deal with this.  It’s been fun.  But once this Wagner, sorry, Vagner, gets things moving, maybe you can stay at my hotel in Moscow -- if you can afford it. 

[Hangs up]

Mar-a-Lago

Aide: [Catching breath] Sir, you didn’t say all those things did you?

Trump: Yeah, and did you hear that "if you can afford it"?  What a burn! 

Trump Jr: Good one, Dad.

Aide: [Shouting] What?  Nooo! Everything has changed!  You’ve got to turn on the news because ….

Trump: You deal with this, Junior.  I’ve got a tee time.

Moscow

Aide: So, do we block his calls from now on?

Putin: No, this will be good.

Trump Still Needs A Lawyer

Palm Beach, FL
June 17, 2023

“The dozens of attorneys who have defended Trump since 2016”
Washington Post, June 17, 2023

DT: Damn it!  Another one hung up on me!
ET: Dad, I don't think you're going to find another attorney this way.
DT: What do you mean, Eric?  I’m Donald Trump, I’m sure there are plenty of lawyers out there who would dream of having me as a client.  Dial the next one.
ET: Dad, the last one had a greeting that started “Unless you’re former President Donald Trump, please hold for the next available operator.”
DT: What?!  I’ll sue them.  That’s gotta be a violation of my 3rd Amendment Rights!
ET: Really?!
DT: Yeah, a lot of people think there are just two, but Rudy told me about this one.
ET: And why can’t Uncle Rudy handle this one again?
DT: I told you [mimes drinking from a bottle].
ET: Oh yeah.  But listen, Dad, I’ve got an idea.
DT: I’m all ears.
ET: Let me represent you!
DT: What?  You’re not a lawyer.  Wait, are you?  Sorry, it’s hard for me to keep track of all of the graduation cards I had my secretary send.
ET: Good call, Dad, I’m not, but I don’t have to be!
DT: Are you sure about this?
ET: Yeah, I saw it in a movie once.  I’m pretty sure it was even on CourtTV, so it must be real.
DT: I don’t know.  Between you and me, this actually kind of serious.  I should probably have a lawyer who knows their way around the court room.
ET: Like Sydney Powell?
DT: Okay, you got me on that one, but still, do you know how to handle yourself at a trial? 
ET: Just like you taught us, Dad, it’s all about attitude.  Picture this:  the judge says “You’re out of order,” then I stand up and say “No, you’re out of order!”  And if I’m ever really lost, I’ll just walk over by the jury and say, “Excuse me, but could you explain that to all of us non-lawyers!”  
DT: Heh-heh-heh.  I’d love to see that.  That stupid judge wouldn’t know what to say.
ET: See.  Come on, Dad.  Let me do it.  I’ve always wanted to make it up to you for when I blabbed about all the Russian money.
DT: I forgave you for that a long time ago, son, but …
ET: [Interrupts excitedly] So does that mean that …
DT: … but I’m afraid the damage can’t be undone. The will stays the same.
ET: [Dejected] Okay. 

A 'Top Secret' Trump Birthday

Mar-A-Lago, Palm Beach, FL
March 20, 2022

Trump: Happy Birthday, son!
Barron: Wow, you remembered.  And you almost spelled my name right on the card!
Trump: Huh?
Barron: It’s B-A-R-R-O-N, with 2 Rs.
Trump: Are you sure?  Because I could swear that …
Melania: [Clears throat loudly]
Trump: Oh well, sorry about that champ.  Anyway, I got you something really special.
Barron: [Opening wrapping paper]  It’s … it’s … a bunch of papers.  I don’t get it.  What are these, dad?  And why do they all have TOP SECRET stamped all over them?
Trump: Are you kidding?  What you are holding is a gold mine, um… um… Barron.  [Whispers to Melania] Am I pronouncing it right?
Barron: How’s that, dad?
Trump: These aren’t just any secrets, son. Believe me, there are lot of people ready to pay a lot of money for these papers.
Barron: What people?
Trump: Don’t worry son, they’ll find you.
Barron: That sounds kind of scary, dad.  Couldn’t you just give me the money?
Trump: [Nervously] Heh-heh-heh.  Well, Aunt Ivanka thought it would be better this way.
Barron: Aunt Ivanka?  You mean she isn’t my sister?  I mean ‘half-sister.’  She said to always remember that.
Melania: [Testily] You’re right, dear.  She is your sister, though for some reason she has double your share in your father’s will.
Trump: I said we’ll talk about that later.  But come on, you mean you don’t like it?
Barron: I guess it’s kind of cool.  And I like the card. [Reading] Uh, dad, why is it stamped “On Behalf of Donald J. Trump?”
Melania: Donald!!
Trump: Sorry, gotta run.  I’m pretty sure I’m late for a deposition.

More Mar-A-Lago Revelations

August 14, 2022

In response to the shocking news about the FBI search warrant for illegally stored documents at Mar-A-Lago, former President Trump’s son Eric speculated that seized documents contained nothing out of the ordinary, “"You'd have, you know, newspaper articles, pictures, notes from us…. “  AW News has since obtained the following family notes seized from the Trump vault. 

January 7, 1994
Dear Dad,
Thanks for the beautiful check!  It is really cool!  And $50 – almost as much as you gave Ivanka!  Only my name is Eric with a c, not a k.  Will the bank still take it?
Love,
Eric

February 8, 1995
Father,
If your idiot wife calls me Ivana one more time I am going to hit her.  Don’t be late again for our dinner on Friday – the caterer gets mad.
XOXO
Pumpkin

May 1, 1996
Dear Dad,
The people at Harvard tell me that the need at least a $25 million to accept me.  That shouldn’t be a problem, right?
Junior, i.e., Donald Junior -- your oldest son

August 6, 2002
Dear Dad,
My sister was really mean to me again in the elevator today.  What’s a bastard?  
Love you,
Tiff

August 9, 2002
Father,
Tell my half-sister to talk to my people if she needs anything. 
XOXO
Pumpkin

November 20, 2004
Hi Dad,
We were all wondering if we could look at your prenup before you marry that model lady.  Okay, it’s really Ivanka but she’s afraid to ask.  Think we could have a looksie?  Maybe at Thanksgiving dinner.  I’m invited, right?
Eric (with a c)

January 10, 2005
Dad,
I had a great time at the wedding.  Does “mom” have a hot sister?
Junior

September 20, 2005
Father,
I warned you to include a ‘no-child’ clause this time.  This one better not be coming out of my share.
XOXO
Pumpkin

July 15, 2016
Dear Dad,
Who’s this Penny guy?  I thought I would be your vice president.  Could you make me an ambassador or something?
Donald Trump, Jr., your oldest son and the main beneficiary of your will – right?

May 8, 2017
Dear Dad,
Sorry I blabbed about how much Russian money we take in.  Do you think that will be a problem?
Eric/Erik

March 22, 2019
Dear Dad,
It turns out the bank will not take a check made out to ‘Melania’s kid.’  Think I could have another?  It’s B-a-r-r-o-n.
Love,
Barron, i.e., Melania's kid

Trump-Putin: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 8)

Moscow-Palm Beach
April 2, 2022

Putin: Donald?
Trump: Vlad?  Long time no hear.  How are you?
Putin: What is it, Donald?
Trump: Still all business.  Well Vlad – and by the way, I still think it’s so cool that I get to call you Vlad – I’ve got the answer to all your problems.
Putin: [Silence]
Trump: Vlad, you there?
Putin: [Impatiently] I’m waiting to hear what you think is the answer to all my problems.  What is it?
Trump: Truth Social.
Putin: What?
Trump: Truth Social.  I heard how you got knocked off Twitter, just like me.  I’m sure it’s just killing you.  Well, you might have heard that I came up with a replacement that’s way better.  We’ve already twice as many users.
Putin: Donald, do you know what my biggest problem is right now?  I found out that the head of my intelligence service is more incompetent than your idiot son.
Trump: Which one?
Putin: Junior.
Trump: Ouch.
Putin: That’s right.  And you think I’m worried about Twitter?
Trump: Well, I just thought that …
Putin: And if I was, do you think I would use your new platform?  One of my aides tried to sign up and he’s still waiting for confirmation 2 months later.
Trump: Yeah, I heard there were some problems, but I’ve got Junior, I mean Eric, working on it.
Putin: Donald, I wasn’t “knocked off Twitter,” I blocked Twitter.
Trump: Really, don’t you think some fiery tweets would help you out with your war in …, um …
Putin: [Interrupting] “Special Operation,” Donald, not a war.  And do you even know where it is?
Trump: Sure, it’s in … um … wait, don’t tell me.
Putin: I’ll give you a hint -- you were impeached for trying to bribe their President.
Trump: Oh yeah, the little Jewish guy.  Nah, it couldn’t be Israel.  Siberia?
Putin: Goodbye, Donald. [Dial tone]
Trump: Vlad, are you there?  He hung up.  I didn’t even get to tell him that Melania sends her best.
Junior: What did Uncle Vlad say, Dad?  Am I going to be heading up our Truth Social office in Russia?
Trump: Yeah, about that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea with the whole war thing right now.
Junior: What war?
Trump: The war in … um , I don’t know, why don’t you ask your brother?
Junior: I’m not sure where Eric is.
Trump: How about the other one, um … aw geez.
Junior: You mean Barron?
Trump: Why can't I remember his name.  Yeah, him, he’s always got his nose in his phone.  Maybe he saw something about a war.  

Marjorie Taylor Greene Gets A History Lesson

Palm Springs, Florida
February 10, 2022

Trump: Now Marjorie, you’re going to just have to let this pass.
MTG: But I’m just so mad at the lame lib media people who think they’re so smart.
Trump: Preaching to the choir.  Take away their fancy education and “fact-checkers” and “ethics” and who are they?
MTG: Yeah, stupid libs!  They’re always trying to make me look dumb.
Trump: [Chuckling] Well, Marjorie, that was a real humdinger.  I mean mixing up Gestapo and gazpacho. That’s worse than when I said that Frederick Douglas was alive, or when I said that George Washington had an air force, or when … 
MTG: [Interrupting] Or when you said people could inject bleach.
Trump: [Angry] Okay!  Stupid libs.  The point is, we all make mistakes.  Then we just deny we ever said it and move on.
MTG: But I’m not wrong.  I know the German secret police were the Gestapo, but what about the Italians?  
Trump:  The Italians?
MTG: That’s right, everybody forgets about the Italians.  They were friends with the Germans but they had their own police called the Gazpacho.
Trump: Did you read this somewhere?
MTG: [Chuckling]  As if.  This guy who used to come to our gym told me, and he was like super smart.  
Trump:  I hate to tell you this, dear, but this “smart guy” gave you some fake news.  The Italian secret police were called the mafia, or the "Costa Rica."  But don’t let Rudy hear you talking about them or it will set him off.
MTG: [Dejected] Could be.  And the guy had a great truck, too.  Stupid libs.
Barron:  [Enters] Dad, mom told me to tell you and the crazy lady that lunch is ready. [Exits]
Trump: [Embarrassed] Heh … crazy lady … um … cute kid, right?
MTG: You mean Barron?
Trump:  Barron?  Why can’t I ever remember his name?  Stupid libs!

Trump Royale

Palm Beach, FL
February 3, 2022

Trump: Melania, break out the good towels because royalty will be visiting soon!
Melania: Here, at Mar-a-Lago!  Oh boy, oh boy!  I can’t wait.  I can finally arrange a nice dinner without all those snooty Washington reporters around.
Trump: Actually, not here, but Trump Plaza in New York.
Melania: Who is it?  
Trump: Liz’s son.
Melania: Who’s Liz?
Trump: Queen Elizabeth of England.  Remember?  She said I could call her Liz.
Melania: I don’t remember that.
Trump: [Angrily] She said I could call her Liz.  Anyway, her son is coming and will be staying at Trump Plaza.
Melania: Prince Charles?
Trump: No, not Charles, another one.  Here’s his note: “Dear Donald, During your visit to Buckingham Palace you mentioned that I must stay at Trump Plaza if I am ever in the States.  As you may have heard, I am in a bit of a spot.  I was hoping that I could impose on your hospitality while I am in New York for that unpleasant business.  I would be forever in your debt.  Andrew Windsor.”
Melania: That doesn't sound like something you would say.  And I don't like the sound of that "unpleasant business." 
Trump: We’re not all models you know.  For a lot of us business doesn’t mean lying around a pool all day.  He probably has to sign a treaty or something with some shithole country at the UN.
Melania: Maybe you’re right.  So he will be staying in New York.
Trump: He’ll be in the presidential suite.
Melania: That’s like a whole floor!  Can he afford it?
Trump: Don’t bother your pretty little brain of yours with finances.  His mother’s the richest broad in the world.  If he can’t pay, she can.  And didn’t you hear that part about “I would be forever in your debt?”  Maybe she can just deed me all that land in Scotland so I don’t have to fight with some town council every time we need to change a faucet at our club.  Come on, why can’t you get excited about this?  I haven’t told you the best part.
Melania: Okay – what’s the best part?
Trump: While he’s there, I was thinking that President and Mrs. Trump travel up to New York to throw a little gala in Prince Andrew’s honor in New York?  I can already see the pictures in the Times.  This is just the kind of publicity the Trump brand needs right now.   
Melania: [Perking up] I can finally wear that tiara that your friend the Saudi prince gave to me.
Trump: And Duke can wear that little suit you had made up for him with all the gold buttons?
Melania: [Angrily] Who?
Trump: [Pauses] Duke, no wait, Earl…I mean …um…um…um…
Melania: Barron!  Our son’s name is Barron why can’t you remember that?
Trump: Okay, Barron.  Don’t get sore.  Just think: while Biden’s got his stomach all knotted up worrying about Ukraine and that Korean nut job, the press will have all these pictures of me smiling with Prince Andrew.  Who’s going to look like the world leader then?  I can hardly wait.
Ivanka: [Walking in] Can hardly wait for what?
Trump: Oh, hi kitten.  Guess what, we are going to be throwing a royal ball in New York.
Ivanka: Oh goody.  Is Queen Elizabeth coming?
Trump: Almost as good.  Her son?
Ivanka: Prince Charles?
Trump: No.
Ivanka: William?
Trump: No.  Which one was it again? [Reads note again]  Andrew.
Ivanka: Andrew?!  I don't think he's even a real prince any more.
Trump: No, kitten, you’re probably thinking about Diana’s kid, the one with the “exotic” wife.
Ivanka: [Pauses to think] Yeah, you might be right.
[All three walk out, trailed by two secret service agents]
Agent 1: [Whispering] Did the queen really say he could call her Liz? 
Agent 2: What do you think?

The Trump Succession

 

Palm Beach, Florida
January 24, 2022

RNC Official: President Trump, we at the RNC were so heartened to hear of your intention not to pursue re-election in 2024.  It’s a wise and magnanimous decision.
Trump: Magnani-what?
RNC Official: Moving right along, now that you have decided not to run, we think it would be beneficial if you were to get behind one of the many fine candidates out there ready to carry on the Trump legacy.  For example, right here in Florida, Governor …
Trump: That's a no brainer. Ivanka!
RNC Official: I’m sorry, sir. I assume you mean your daughter, Mrs. Kushner.  I agree 100% that she would make an awesome president, but, well, now that everyone knows your daughter tried to get you to stop the efforts to … um … intervene in the election certification on January 6, she might not appeal to the more … um … patriotic wing of the party.
Trump: That’s too bad, she’s such a bright kid.
RNC Official: So if Mrs. Kushner is ruled out, might I suggest that Senator Haw….
Trump: Then Junior.
RNC Official: Sir?
Trump: Don Junior.  Frankly, I don’t think he’s got as big a brain as his sister, but he is a chip off the old block.  Just don’t tell him I wanted his sister first.  He gets real sore about that.
RNC Official: Sir, the thing is, there seems to be a high probability that he is going to be indicted for tax fraud in New York.
Trump: What?  You mean that partisan witchhunt?
RNC Official: Sir, I wrote those press releases.  In fact, the evidence is pretty compelling. 
Trump: Eric?
RNC Official: The same thing.  But there are many fine candidates out there, President Trump.  Have you noticed how Minority Leader Mc….
Trump: Then I guess it will have to be Melania’s kid.
RNC Official: Barron?
Trump: Yeah.  Why can’t I ever remember his name?
RNC Official: What about Tiffany? [Under his breath]  God, what am I saying?
Trump: Tiffany?
RNC Official: Your daughter, sir.  Since you were going through your children, I noticed that you passed over your daughter Tiffany?
Trump: Are you sure she’s my daughter?
RNC Official: She was the issue of your marriage to the second Mrs. Trump.
Trump: Hard pass.  I guess that leaves, um, um, why can’t I remember his name?
RNC Official: Don’t you think that Barron would be a little young to run for president?
Trump: I’m not sure, it’s been a while since I’ve seen him.
RNC Official: He sat next to you at dinner last night.
Trump: That was Barron?!  I though he won a contest or something.  I guess he’s a nice kid but he is kind of young.  Do I have any other children?
RNC Official: Not officially, sir.  But as I have been trying to impress upon you, there are many fine ….
Trump: I really like Jared, but blood is blood.  And his blood is, well, you know.  So I guess I have no choice but to run again. [Stands up]
RNC Official: But sir, won’t you even look at this list of …
Trump: [Walking away] I have a tee time.  Lunch is on you, by the way -- and refills aren't free.
[Dials phone]
Voice: Well, who’s it going to be?
RNC Official: This is going to take longer than we thought.

Trump Never Saw The "Nuclear Football"

 

Washington, DC – September 21, 2021

Reporter: I was just reading in the new Bob Woodward book about how General Milley took extraordinary measures to keep President Trump from starting an international conflict.  I still can’t believe it.
NSC Aide: [Nonchalant] Yeah, I saw that.
Reporter: Aren’t you surprised?
NSC Aide Not really.
Reporter: Do you mean you knew about this?
NSC Aide: Not that, but I knew we did a pretty good job of keeping him under control.
Reporter: What else did you guys do?
NSC Aide: [Looks over shoulder] Okay, this is off the record, I mean way off the record.  Got it?
Reporter: Okay.
NSC Aide You know about the “nuclear football,” right?
Reporter: You mean the device with the controls to authorize a nuclear strike?  I’ve heard about it, but never seen it.
NSC Aide: Actually, the same goes for President Trump.
Reporter: What do you mean?  He was President of the United States.  It was by his side at all times.
NSC Aide: Nope.  We decided right away there was no way we were going to let this guy near the nuclear controls.  So we had to run a little ruse.
Reporter: Didn’t he want to see it?
NSC Aide: Are you kidding?  January 20, 2017, that was his first question after he took the oath: where’s the nuclear football?
Reporter: What did you show him?
NSC Aide: What do you think?  [Winks and strikes a ‘Heisman’ pose]
Reporter: No, not a real football?!
NSC Aide: A real football, signed by Roger Goodell.
Reporter: And he fell for it?
NSC Aide: Hook, line, and sinker.  He thought it was the neatest thing he ever saw.  Every time we got in the limousine it was, “I wanna see the football.”  He liked to play catch with it on Air Force One.
Reporter: And he never figured it out?
NSC Aide: He did get a little worried every time he dropped it or spilled Diet Coke on it, but we would just tell him “there’s a safeguard for that, sir,” and he’d go on playing.
Reporter: Where was the real device.
NSC Aide: We kept it with President Obama’s security detail, just in case.

Susan Collins Reflects

 Washington, DC – September 2, 2021

Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME), who was considered an important swing vote in the 2019 confirmation hearings for Brett Kavanaugh, claimed that during a private lunch meeting, Kavanaugh assured her that he considered Roe v. Wade to be established law.  Nonetheless, Kavanaugh voted with the conservative majority to clear the way for the oppressive Texas "heartbeat law" to be enacted.  This turn of events has caused Collins to reflect on that lunch meeting and consider if Kavanaugh may have misled her about anything else.

Her Eyes

"When we sat down he told me I the biggest brown eyes he’s ever seen.  I have had a lot of compliments about my eyes over the years, but still, the biggest he’s ever seen?"

The Forgotten Credit Card

"And I wonder if it was true when he said that he forgot his credit card and asked me to pick up the bill.  I laughed it off, but I was a little miffed at the time because I had the fruit salad with cottage cheese while he an open-faced steak sandwich and four non-alcoholic beers."

Non-Alcoholic Beer?

"Wait a second, I remember now that he winked at the waiter every time he said ‘non-alcoholic.’  He seemed like a regular – the waiter even called him B-Dog.  You know, it might have been between the third and fourth beer that I brought up Roe vs. Wade.  I should have realized that ‘Don’t sweat it, Suze’ wasn't a serious response to such an important judicial question. Wow, he even offered to drive me back to my office afterward."

"Oh well.  I guess I got played.  Not much I can do about now.  Anyway, it’s not like I’m going to be pregnant any time soon."

Trump: You mean the Taliban are the Bad Guys?

Palm Beach – Black Sea
August 17, 2021
 
Trump:  Vlad? Is that you? 
Putin:  [Annoyed] Yes, Donald.  This really isn’t a good time.
Trump: I know.  That’s what all your aides said.  But listen, Vlad – and once again, I want you to know how cool it is that you let me call you Vlad – the thing is, this is really important.
Putin:  Okay, Donald, what is it?
Trump:  Well, I’ve been watching all the Fox News coverage about the Taliban taking over and they keep saying it’s some kind of disaster.
Putin:  So?
Trump:  Well, when we found out that you guys were funneling money to the Taliban, you told me I shouldn’t worry about it.
Putin:  We appreciated your understanding.
Trump:  And then you talked me into convincing Pakistan to release all those Taliban leaders.
Putin:  You did very well, Donald.
Trump:  [Nervously] The thing is … I mean … aren't the Taliban the bad guys?
Putin:  Good.  Bad.  Only someone very naïve thinks in those terms, Donald, and we are not naïve, are we?
Trump:  No … I guess … but the thing is, when I make my comeback, isn’t everyone going to remember how much I helped the Taliban?
Putin:  Donald, do people remember that you had sex with a porn star?
Trump:  Only Melania [weak laugh] – who sends her best, as always.
Putin:  I know.  Tell me, Donald, do people remember that charming imitation you did of that nasty, disabled reporter?
Trump:  He is nasty, that guy.
Putin:  So why are you worried about this?  It’s all part of the plan.
Trump:  You might be right.  But can you explain why the Taliban coming to power helps us, or this plan?
Putin:  Donald, you would have to be stupid not to understand.  Are you stupid, Donald?
[Silence]
Putin:  While you’re thinking about that Donald I need to pick out drapes for the palace.  Good-bye.
[Dial tone]
Trump:  No!  No, I’m not stupid!  Vlad, are you still there?  I thought you were kidding!  [Turns to Don Jr.] Now he’s never going to take my calls.

The Anti-COVID Liberation Front Covers Its Tracks

Somewhere in Middle America, a group of heroes convened behind a crowded tavern to continue their struggle to save America from Tyranny

Joe:  Ed, where’s your mask?
Ed:  I thought we weren’t supposed to wear masks because COVID was a hoax?
Joe:  How many times do we have to go through this – we aren’t wearing masks to protect ourselves from that hoax virus.  We need to hide our faces because we shouldn’t be seen together, ever since well …  Now do you have a mask or not?
Dave:  I have an extra [pulls a package of 20 surgical masks from pocket]
Ed:  Thanks
Joe:  Hey, what do you need all those masks for?
Dave:  Well, the CDC recommends that you wear a mask if you are going to be in a crowd, even if you’ve been vaccin… [Notices stares] I should probably stop talking now.
Joe:  Wait, you took the Fauci shot?
Dave:  No, Johnson and Johnson.  I wanted the one I could pronounce.
Joe:  Why do you think we all went to Washington to keep President Trump in office?  So we would line up like sheep for some shot of God knows what?
Ed:  I thought we went because those God-less socialists were trying to steal the election.
Woody:  I thought we went to keep our guns.
Joe:  Yeah,  all that stuff.  But I still can’t believe you got one of those stupid shots.  They probably put a tiny little microphone in your arm.  I’ll bet Nancy Pelosi is listening to us right now.
Dave:  I don’t think they have microphones that small, Joe, and if they did, I doubt Nancy Pelosi would be listening to us.
Joe:  It was just a figure of speech, Ed, and ….
Ed:  [Interrupting} What about Pfizer, Dave?
Dave:  What?
Ed:  [Nervously]  What about the Pfizer vaccine?  Do you think they have microphones in them?
Joe:  Wait, you too, Ed?  Has anyone else here got a vaccine?  [Everyone tries to avoid eye contact]
Joe:  Oh, geez, and here I thought we were all fighting for the same thing on January 6.
Dave:  I told you then it was a bad idea, Joe.
Joe:  Our president needed patriots like us.  And we wouldn’t have to be hiding in the alley if someone didn’t post pictures of us online.  [All look at Ed]
Ed:  I’m sorry.  I posted them to a private group.  I didn’t think anyone else could see them.
Joe:  [Mockingly] “I didn’t think anyone else could see them.”  How come I keep see them popping up every other day?  Just how many pictures did you take?
Ed:  Twelve.   I have twelve photos of us in the Capital from when we went to Washington as kids.  I was trying to get photos in all the same spots.
Dave:  Wow, that’s kind of neat.  Did your dad take the photos back then?
Ed:  No, some policeman took them.  [Alarmed] Oh no, do you think that could be the guy Joe threw the flag pole at?
Joe:  Shhhh …  How many times do I have to tell you to stop talking about that?  That’s why I wanted us to get together – to remind you that we can’t be blabbing those details.  You never know when Big Brother is going to be listening.  [Hears snickering]  And what’s so funny, Dave?
Dave:  Sorry, Joe, it’s just that you said big brother, because the other day I was telling my big brother about how Woody couldn’t get the cap off his bear spray.  Remember?  [Struggles to open imaginary can]
[All laugh]
Woody:  Oh yeah, well how about when Phil tripped running up the stairs and fell into that Proud Boy’s butt.
[More laughter]
Joe:  [Screaming angrily] Shut it.  This is what I mean.  Do you want everyone to know we stormed the Capital on January 6? Unless you want the FBI knocking on the door you’d better stop …
[Voice from the bar]:  Would keep it down out there, Joe!  We can’t hear the game.
Dave:  Busted, Joe [All laugh]
Ed:  Joe, where are you going?
Woody:  Wow, I haven’t seen him run that fast since he realized Trump wasn’t on his way to the Capital.

Trump Needs His PIN Number

New York – Palm Beach
July 23, 2021
 
Trump: Allen, it’s me!
Weisselberg: Donald?  Why are you calling me?  My lawyers say I shouldn’t be talking to you.
Trump: Donald?  What happened to "Mr. Trump"?  Oh yeah, I almost forgot.  Well listen, what else are those lawyers of yours telling you, because … well … we never used to have any secrets, so …
Weisselberg: You know I can’t tell you that, Donald.  Why are you calling?
Trump: Okay, here’s the thing.  I was wondering if you know the PIN number for my ATM card.
Weisselberg: Your what?!
Trump: My PIN number.  It’s a 4-digit code that you need to …
Weisselberg: I know what a PIN number is, Donald.  I just can’t believe your calling me about that.
Trump: Hey, my pop always told me that you’re the “numbers man,” so I just figured that maybe you knew.
Weisselberg: I could tell you the salary of every employee at the Trump Organization, Donald.  I could tell you how much taxes the Trump Organization paid – and I just might share that information with a few new friends of mine – but I’m afraid I don’t know the PIN number for your ATM card.  Why do you even need that?
Trump: Heh, funny you should ask.  I guess not all my expenses get covered automatically.  If there wasn’t a restaurant at Mar-A-Lago I wouldn’t eat.
Weisselberg: What do you mean?
Trump: Crazy, right?  I have to pay for food.  So I just show up in the dining room every night, chat up the crowd until I find someone eating a steak that doesn’t look too raw, then I set down and start eating.
Weisselberg: You steal their food?
Trump: Hey, they get an autograph!   And if they treat me to cake afterwards I even let them take a picture.
Weisselberg: Sounds like you don’t need that ATM card.
Trump: It’s getting kind of old.  There are nights I have to hang around for hours before someone orders a steak that isn't bleeding.  A few weeks ago I even had to crash a wedding. 
Weisselberg: Like I told you, Donald, I don’t know your PIN number.  Maybe Junior knows it?
Trump: You think I’d trust him?  Besides, for some reason his phone never seems to be working when I call.
Weisselberg: How about Jared, couldn’t he lend you some cash?
Trump: Funny, it’s the same thing.  I don’t know why these kids can’t get phones that work.
Weisselberg: Yeah, funny.
Trump: Okay, Allen.  Listen, stay strong, if you know what I mean.
Weisselberg: Goodbye, Donald.
…
[Both hang up.  Weisselberg turns to man in dark suit sitting next to him wearing headphones]
Agent: So, do you know his PIN number?
Weisselberg: 1-2-3-4.  He insisted.
Agent: [Laughs]  Okay, that was entertaining. But if he calls again, try to get him to explain what “stay strong” means.
Weisselberg: Oh, he’ll call again.
Agent: How can you be so sure?
Weisselberg: Do you think he remembers Melania’s birthday?

Trump Preps Putin for Meeting with Biden

Geneva-Palm Beach
June 16, 2021

Trump:  Vlad, is that you?
Putin:  Yes, Donald, why are you calling?  I’m very busy now.  In fact, right now I am on my way to sit down and talk with …
Trump:  Joe Biden, I know.  Listen, Vlad – and I still think it’s really cool that you let me call you Vlad, because …
Putin:  [Angrily] I told you to stop calling me Vlad!  Call me President Putin or Vladimir Vladimirovich.
Trump:  Vuh… Vuh… What was that again?
Putin:  [Sighs] Okay, call me Vlad.
Trump:  Like I was saying, Vlad, I wouldn’t be calling if this wasn’t really important.
Putin:  What is it?
Trump:  I can help you to handle Biden at the meeting.  Now he’s probably got all these numbers and names and things memorized.  So here’s what you do – every time he tries to say something smart, talk over him.  If he wants to talk about Ukraine, just say “everyone knows your son is a crook.”  If he wants to talk about Africa or some other loser country, just say “I think you’re on drugs.”  Get it?  I don’t know if you saw our debates, but it worked like a charm for me.
Putin:  Oh, Donald, I missed some of what you were saying because I was looking over the menu for the reception – they have those little hamburgers you like.  But it sounds like you think I should be afraid that Biden has memorized some information.  Why is that, Donald?  Do you think that I don’t have any information memorized, like the name of that prostitute you hired at the Miss Universe contest, or the phone number that your Mr. Manafort passed along to …
Trump:  Okay, so you know things, too.  I just wanted to help, Vlad.  You always gave me such good advice, I thought I could return the favor.  You know, throw him off his game a little.
Putin:  Thank you, Donald, but I think I’ve got this.  
Trump:  Okay, Vlad, but can I ask you a question?
Putin:  Hurry, Donald, we don’t want Biden to fall asleep waiting for me.
[Both laugh]
Trump:  It’s just, well, don’t you think you could finally let me know what the plan is?  You told me everything is going great, but I’m sitting here in Florida and it seems like no one listens to me anymore.  My own son even walked out of the room this morning when I tried to tell him how the election was stolen.
Putin:  Junior?
Trump:  No.
Putin:  Eric?
Trump:  No, the other one, um, um, Melania’s kid.
Putin:  Barron.
Trump:  Barron!  I’ve got to write that down or something.
Putin:  All in good time, Donald.  I need to run. Just remember: we need you to try to stay out of the headlines. 
Trump:  Goodbye, Vlad, Melania sends her best!
…
Putin:  [To aides – after  3 minutes of uncontrollable laughter] You’re not going to believe this.