Trump-Putin: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 8)

September 12, 2024
Palm Beach - Moscow 

Trump: Vlad, are you there?
Putin: Of course, Donald.  I’m sorry you had to wait on hold for so long, but you know, that pesky war in Ukraine is still going on.
Trump: [Angrily] Of course I know!  Did you see how during the debate I said exactly what you told me to say?
Putin: You did well, Donald.
Trump: [Dejectedly] I’m glad you think so, but you’re probably the only one.
Putin: What do you mean, Donald?  You were great.  You – how do you Americans say? – wiped the floor with her.
Trump: Oh yeah, then why is everyone saying that Harris won the debate?
Putin: Do you mean all those silly journalists and their ‘polls’?  Why take them seriously?
Trump: Not just them.  Even my son, um, um, …
Putin: Barron?
Trump: Yeah – how come I can never remember that?  Well, even Barron laughed at me when I came home.
Putin: Listen, Donald, you must trust me.  Do you trust me?
Trump: Of course, Vlad.
Putin: I hear that Harris wants another debate.  You should do it. 
Trump: But all my advisers are telling me ….
Putin: I’m sorry, your ‘advisers’?
Trump: I know that you are my best adviser, Vlad.  But you know, it would really help if you would just let me know once and for all what our end game is.
Putin: Donald, listen.  What if during the next debate one of those snooty journalists asks you if we have some secret plan.  I want you to be able to say, ‘of course not, and you’re a horrible journalist for asking this question.’
Trump: You’re right, as always.  Gee, I wish I was as smart as you with this stuff.  Sometimes I don’t know if I can keep going.
Putin: Donald, listen.  I was just saying to my friends, ‘what would you think about letting some Western real estate mogul build a hotel inside the Kremlin?’ and they think it’s a great idea.
Trump: Inside the Kremlin!  I’m a real estate mogul!  At least I think I still have my company.  I’m your man, Vlad.  I’ll do whatever you say.  And Vlad?
Putin: Yes, Donald. 
Trump: I still think it’s really cool that you let me call you Vlad.
Putin: I know, Donald.
[BOTH HANG UP]
Trump: [To advisers] Get, Karma, Karamel, um…, um…, whatever her name is!  Get her on the phone and tell her we’re on!