Trump: I’ll have bigger crowds for my reinstatement than Obama!

June 5, 2021 - Palm Beach, Fl
 
-        Could you call Mr. or Mrs. Kushner?  Or maybe one of his sons, the ones he remembers?
-        They said we shouldn’t call unless it’s an emergency.  What’s up?
-        He has us trying to line up entertainment for his reinstatement in August.
-        But, but … where do I start?  First of all, he’s not going to be reinstated and … well, and nothing … he’s not going to be reinstated and that’s that.
-        He also seems to be confusing this with an inauguration.  He keeps saying something about how the cold weather kept people home the first time, but he’s going to have bigger crowds than Obama because it will be in August so we need to have top shelf entertainment.
-        How did this happen?
-        Mr. Giuliani called and told Mr. Trump how well the recounts are going.
-        Giuliani!  But I gave strict instructions that under no circumstances should we let President Trump talk with ….
-        It was Barron’s turn to watch him.  He got bored and left so he wasn’t there when Mr. Giuliani called.
-        Great.  Well, how’s it going?
-        How’s what going?
-        The entertainment?
-        So far the only commitments we have are from Scott Baio and a couple of retired NASCAR drivers.  I’m not quite sure what they would do.  He’s trying to reach someone named Wayne Newton.  Do you know who that is?  Mr. Trump says they’re old friends from when he was in the casino business.
-        Mr. Trump seems to have forgotten that he has no friends from when he was in the casino business.  Listen, just keep on humoring about lining up entertainment.  If anyone seems interested, have them call me so I can explain and ask them to keep quiet about it.

The Trumps Discover the Working Class

February 20, 2021

Eric:  Mr. Weinberg, we want to thank you for agreeing to speak at the CPAC convention.  When we saw your article ‘The Class Roots of the January 6 Events,’ we knew right away that you are our kind of people.
Weinberg: Thank you.  Actually, I am just thrilled that anyone even read it.
Donald Jr.:  Yes sir, it’s refreshing to see how we are not the only ones who recognize that the working class has been ignored in this country for too long.
Eric:  And not only that, but we also thought if we could add some more speakers who, like yourself, are … um … how should I put this, of the Hebrew persuasion.
Weinberg:  Hebrew?  Sorry, guys, I don’t know a word of Hebrew, just a few Yiddish words that I picked up from my father’s Lenny Bruce albums.
[Trumps look at each other in befuddlement]
Donald Jr.:  Okay.  The thing is, we just need a clear message in support of the working class.
Weinberg:  So what part of my article did you like best?  I’d just like to know what I should emphasize in my talk.
Eric:  Well, basically, you know, how the elite has ignored the working class, so sometimes the workers need to take action on their own.
Weinberg:  Amen to that.  But should I talk about how their real enemies are the bankers on Wall Street or on how workers should occupy vacant housing?
Donald Jr.:  [Nervously] Um, no actually, it would help if you talk about how Donald Trump is the real friend of the working class.
Weinberg:  Donald Trump?!  I wrote about how the lumpenproletariat has rallied around this false idol and how the conscious working class need to focus its energies on its real needs, like the confiscation of unearned wealth, the nationalization of the health care industry, and ... Wait a second -- Just what does CPAC stand for?  I thought it was Communist Party - Atlantic Coast.
Eric:  Whoa, I’m sorry to interrupt, Mr. Weinberg, but I just got a text saying the conference has been cancelled.  So, well, goodbye.
[Phone goes dead]
Donald Jr.:  Eric ….
Eric:  Don’t say it.  I know.  I should have read the article first.
Donald Jr.:  You’re damn right you should have read the article.  Do you realize what a disaster that would have been?
Eric:  But it was behind a pay wall.

Trump Looks For A Lawyer

Palm Beach -- ???
February 2, 2021
 
Call Center Rep:  “Lawyer Line, what is your legal problem?”
Melania:  Are you the lawyer people?
Call Center Rep:  Yes, ma’am.  That’s us.  So what is your legal problem?
Melania:  One minute, please.  [Offline]  Donald, it’s them.
Trump:  [Offline] Shhh – I told you – no real names.  [Takes receiver] Thank you, um, Miss Jones.  Hello, is this Hank Miller?
Call Center Rep: Good morning, sir, and who do I have the pleasure of speaking with?
Trump:  Um, John, John Barron.  Are you Hank Miller?
Call Center Rep: No, sir.
Trump:  Look.  I got the number from a billboard with a big picture of Hank Miller that said to call him if I need a lawyer fast, and boy, do I ever need a lawyer fast.  I have a trial this week and my lawyers dumped me.  Can you believe that?
Call Center Rep: Wow, it sounds like you called the right number.  Now, Mr. Barron, can you tell me a little bit about your situation?  Are you in jail now?
Trump:  Jail? No!  Listen, I need to speak with Hank Miller, so just get him on the phone.  Or I could drive over there if that would be more convenient.
Call Center Rep: Well, if you could just tell me your problem I will be sure to match with the perfect attorney.
Trump:  Hey, the sign said call “me” so I want to speak with Hank Miller.  What’s your name?
Call Center Rep: Um, you can call me Dave.
Trump:  Dave?  That’s a pretty funny accent you have for a “Dave”?
Call Center Rep: Yes, sir.  Now – again – if you could tell me about your problem.
Trump:  Well, this is a little embarrassing, but I have been impeached.
Call Center Rep: I’m sorry, can you spell that?
Trump:  Spell that?  Hey, what kind of a law firm is this?
Call Center Rep: You see, sir, most of our calls are for drunk driving, public intoxication, or violating a restraining order, so if you could just spell … how did you say that?
Trump:  I-M-P-E-A-C-H-M-E-N-T
Call Center Rep: And what city do you live in?
Trump:  Palm Springs, Florida.  Wait a minute!  Where are you?
Call Center Rep: I am sorry that I am unable to give you that information.  But I am looking, Mr. Barron, and I am afraid I do not see any attorneys in your area that handle, um, um, this problem.
Trump:  But the sign said any legal problem. 
Call Center Rep: [Sees supervisor signalling to speed up call] Thank you for calling the Lawyer Line, sir.  Please call us back if you get arrested for drunk driving.  And good luck with your imbea…, impar…,  good luck, sir.
[Hangs up phone]
Trump:  Hey, hey!  That little !@#$% hung up on me!
Melania:  That’s the fifth one and I’m late for my massage.  What now?
Trump:  Just dial the next one.  Meanwhile I'll see if Eric found any more numbers.

Trump-Putin: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 7)

 Palm Beach-Moscow

January 31, 2021

Trump:  Vlad?  Are you there?
Putin:  Yes.  Listen, Donald, how did you get this number?
Trump:  It wasn’t easy – and by the way, I just want to say again how cool it is that you let me call you Vlad.
Putin:  Actually, Donald, maybe it would be more appropriate if you started to address me as Vladimir Vladimirovich. 
Trump:  [Haltingly] Well, um, I guess I could try to call you, um, how’s that again?
Putin:  It’s all coming back to me.  Maybe we’d better stick to Vlad – for now. What is it, Donald?  How are you enjoying your retirement? 
Trump:  [Nervously] Retirement, heh-heh.  Good one, Vlad.
Putin:  No.  Seriously.  I heard that you are retired now. 
Trump:  Come on, Vlad.  I mean, I’m sorry -- again -- how I let you down in the election, but I wouldn’t say I’m retired.  I was just calling to see when would be a good time for Don Jr. to fly to Moscow. 
Putin:  Your son wants to see Moscow?  I don’t know, Donald, maybe you haven’t heard that the stupid Chinese virus is still hitting us pretty hard.  Maybe Don Jr. could come next year?  He could bring the kids.    
Trump:  No, this isn’t a pleasure trip.  Don’t tell me you forgot how you told me once I was out of office that you would give the green light for a Trump hotel the heart of Moscow.  You promised me a view of the Kremlin from the top twenty floors.  I thought it would be a good idea for Jr. to lay some of the groundwork with your people.   
Putin:  Actually, Donald, are you sure you have the financing for a new hotel in Moscow?
Trump:  Well, Vlad, I was hoping that you might be able to ….
Putin:  Sorry, Donald.  Have you heard about this Navalny fellow?  It’s like he has a video camera in my credit card.  So I’m afraid my people won’t be able to help you. 
Trump:  Ah, jeez.  I was really counting on that.  But, hey, I’ve never had a problem coming up with money.  So, should I tell Jr that … 
Putin:  Not so fast, Donald.  What about that $238 million note from DeutscheBank due in April?  And I hear your DC hotel lost $17.3 million last year?  And aren’t memberships at Mar-A-Lago ….
Trump:  Hey, how do you know so much about my finances?  If I didn’t know better I’d think you had a bug in my accountants office.  He-he, but that would be crazy, right Vlad?  Vlad?  Are you still there?
[Silence]
Putin:  Oh, sorry, Donald.  I have to run.  I’m building … I mean, a friend is building a little place on the Black Sea and there’s a problem with the tiles. 
Trump:  Hey, Vlad, I get it.  I only hope you can pay this kind of attention to my hotel. 
Putin:  Your what?  Oh, right.  Just let me know when you clear up your debts and we’ll talk. 
Trump:  But, Vlad, that could be a while.    
Putin:  Chin up, Donald.  I’m sure you’ll figure something out.  And don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll patch things up with Melania. 
[Line goes dead]
Trump:  [Turns] Sorry, son, looks like the trip to Moscow is off for a while.  Hey, what did he mean "patch things up with Melania"? 
Putin:  [Angrily] Who gave him this number?    

Trump Still Willing to Take Buyout

 The White House
January 10, 2021
 
Trump:  Come on in, Jared.  
Kushner:  Thank you, sir.
Trump:  I’ve come to a big decision.  I’m ready to walk away from all this, as long as we can come up with a figure.
Kushner:  [Visibly relieved.]  Oh, thank you, sir.  I was afraid to raise the question – especially after you threw a paperweight at Mr. Meadows the other day.  But really, at this point, resigning is probably best for the country – and for you!  Especially for you.
Trump:  Yeah, I think I’ve done all I can do anyway, and it looks like that witch Pelosi has talked the Joints Chief out my raid on Iran.  God, that would have been great. 
Kushner:  It certainly would have, sir.  Now, about that figure, I think we should move quickly, no more than a couple of days.
Trump:  A couple of days, 5 days – I don’t care as long as I get paid.  But I need to have my numbers straight.  I was thinking of asking for $100 million, but I’d probably settle for $50 million.  Think Pelosi will go for that?
Kushner:  [Confused] Sir, $50 million for what, exactly?
Trump:  My buyout, what else?  That’s the way it’s always worked.  When I stop making money from some deal, or when it just starts to become a pain in the keyster, I take off, but not before I secure some big buyout, for, you know, compensation.
Kushner:  But, sir, you have already been compensated.  You receive a salary.
Trump:  A few hundred K a year? That barely covers Earl’s allowance.
Kushner:  Earl, sir?
Trump:  My son.
Kushner:  You mean Barron?
Trump:  [Thinks for a second] Yeah, that's him.  Sweet kid.  Melania’s.
Kushner:  And besides that, sir, given the general mood in the country right now it’s not like you have a lot of leverage.  Congress is ready to impeach you -- again -- and I’m pretty sure that Mr. Pence would have gotten the remaining Cabinet members to declare you unfit for office if they didn’t keep avoiding his call.  I’m afraid your best option right now would be to resign and leave the city as quickly and quietly as possible.
Trump:  Quietly!  Why you … you … [rummages frantically among papers no desk]
Kushner:  Sir, would like me to find your paperweight so you can throw it at me? 
Trump: [Calms down] Forget it.  If I’m not getting a buyout I might as well go on being President.  Besides, Melania hasn’t finished picking which paintings she wants to keep. 
Kushner:  Paintings, sir?  
Trump:  Yeah, I know I called this place a dump, but there actually some really classy paintings here that will look great at Mar-a-Lago.  Besides, um, um, Barron – right? – has already drawn mustaches on some of them. 
Kushner:  [Nervously] Actually, sir, technically – but only in a strictly legal sense – those paintings don’t belong … which is to say, they, um … um…  [Turns and sprints for door]
Trump:  Geez, what’s his rush?  I guess he hasn’t picked any paintings out for himself. 

Trump Arrested in Nobel Sting

New York, New York
May 4, 2021

The U.S. Marshals Service announced that they arrested former President Donald Trump today, ending a weeks-long standoff.  Trump has been bunkered in the Trump Tower ever since a federal grand jury returned charges against him for tax fraud, accepting foreign inducements, and inducing sedition, but was lured out by a ruse notification that he was being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.  The FBI is still investigating the former president’s involvement in the theft of various White House memorabilia following his electoral defeat.

“We knew he wasn’t going anywhere, so we thought we could wait him out.  But then we decided that this had gone on long enough.”

“Who came up with this idea?”

“Someone at HQ.  From the press we knew that Mr. Trump was obsessed with the idea of winning the Nobel Peace Prize but at the same time had no recognition of what that entailed.”

“Still, how did you pull it off?”

“Well, we got word to him that some foreigners were waiting in the lobby to hand him his prize.  He just couldn’t say no.”

“Wait.  Awarding the Nobel Peace Prize in a lobby?  What about …”

“Like I said, no recognition of what it entailed.”

“And how did you get word to him?  From what I understand, he has cut off almost all communication with the outside world.”

“We had help from a cooperating witness?”

“Inside the Trump inner circle?  Who?”

“I am not at liberty to reveal our source’s name, but from what I understand this individual no longer has to worry about investigation into whether or not she lied on her citizenship application about modeling work she did in the US while on a tourist visa.”

Trump: Doc, Are You Sure It's Covid?

Walter Reed Hospital
Bethesda, Maryland
October 2, 2020

Doctor rushes into room

Doctor: What happened?  I got here as fast as I could.
Nurse: [Exasperated] Nothing happened.  Nothing has changed.  But he insisted I call you – again.
Trump: [Hoarsely] Doc?  Doc?  I’m glad you’re here.  Listen, I just have to ask you, are you sure it’s COVID?
Doctor: Quite sure.
Trump: But, maybe we should get a second opinion.
Doctor: We don't need a second opinion.  We have been through this.  You have the textbook symptoms: cough, fever, fatigue, body ache, congestion.  Then there are all the tests.  You had the rapid test, the antibody test, the viral test.  And they all tell the same story.  You have COVID.  That’s why you’re here.  End of story.
Trump: Okay, okay.  But listen, isn’t it possible that …
Doctor: [Angrily] Mr. President, this has nothing to do with bone spurs!  
Trump: Well, maybe I have that COVID thing, too, but maybe the bone spurs are making it worse?
Doctor: We have learned a lot about COVID these past few months, and I can honestly say that bone spurs might be the one condition that has absolutely NO connection with the course of the disease.  NO connection.  None.

Trump: But the fever?

Doctor: No

Trump: The fa ...

Doctor: [Shouting] NO!
Trump: [Disheartened] Yeah, alright.  But couldn’t you just write down in my record that you found bone spurs?  It would really help me out.
Doctor: I promise that before you leave a podiatrist will give you a careful exam.
Trump: That would be great.  And, doc, just one more thing [picking up phone].
Doctor: Yes, Mr. President.
Trump: Do you think you could talk with the First Lady and explain that talking to me on the phone won’t violate her quarantine?