Trump Looks For A Lawyer

Palm Beach -- ???
February 2, 2021
 
Call Center Rep:  “Lawyer Line, what is your legal problem?”
Melania:  Are you the lawyer people?
Call Center Rep:  Yes, ma’am.  That’s us.  So what is your legal problem?
Melania:  One minute, please.  [Offline]  Donald, it’s them.
Trump:  [Offline] Shhh – I told you – no real names.  [Takes receiver] Thank you, um, Miss Jones.  Hello, is this Hank Miller?
Call Center Rep: Good morning, sir, and who do I have the pleasure of speaking with?
Trump:  Um, John, John Barron.  Are you Hank Miller?
Call Center Rep: No, sir.
Trump:  Look.  I got the number from a billboard with a big picture of Hank Miller that said to call him if I need a lawyer fast, and boy, do I ever need a lawyer fast.  I have a trial this week and my lawyers dumped me.  Can you believe that?
Call Center Rep: Wow, it sounds like you called the right number.  Now, Mr. Barron, can you tell me a little bit about your situation?  Are you in jail now?
Trump:  Jail? No!  Listen, I need to speak with Hank Miller, so just get him on the phone.  Or I could drive over there if that would be more convenient.
Call Center Rep: Well, if you could just tell me your problem I will be sure to match with the perfect attorney.
Trump:  Hey, the sign said call “me” so I want to speak with Hank Miller.  What’s your name?
Call Center Rep: Um, you can call me Dave.
Trump:  Dave?  That’s a pretty funny accent you have for a “Dave”?
Call Center Rep: Yes, sir.  Now – again – if you could tell me about your problem.
Trump:  Well, this is a little embarrassing, but I have been impeached.
Call Center Rep: I’m sorry, can you spell that?
Trump:  Spell that?  Hey, what kind of a law firm is this?
Call Center Rep: You see, sir, most of our calls are for drunk driving, public intoxication, or violating a restraining order, so if you could just spell … how did you say that?
Trump:  I-M-P-E-A-C-H-M-E-N-T
Call Center Rep: And what city do you live in?
Trump:  Palm Springs, Florida.  Wait a minute!  Where are you?
Call Center Rep: I am sorry that I am unable to give you that information.  But I am looking, Mr. Barron, and I am afraid I do not see any attorneys in your area that handle, um, um, this problem.
Trump:  But the sign said any legal problem. 
Call Center Rep: [Sees supervisor signalling to speed up call] Thank you for calling the Lawyer Line, sir.  Please call us back if you get arrested for drunk driving.  And good luck with your imbea…, impar…,  good luck, sir.
[Hangs up phone]
Trump:  Hey, hey!  That little !@#$% hung up on me!
Melania:  That’s the fifth one and I’m late for my massage.  What now?
Trump:  Just dial the next one.  Meanwhile I'll see if Eric found any more numbers.

Romney Suddenly Leads Democratic Field

Concord, New Hampshire

February 5, 2020

In a stunning development, the latest AP presidential poll for the Democratic nomination shows that Utah Senator Mitt Romney has catapulted to the head of the field, even though Romney has not announced his candidacy and has given no indication of ending his lifelong association with the Republican Party.  Nonetheless, Romney was the choice of 56% of likely Democratic respondents, far outpacing his nearest rival, Pete Buttigieg at 18%.

When asked to list the reasons they supported Romney, the top responses were “Voted for Impeachment,” (94%), “Looks Presidential” (5%), and “Not Bernie Sanders” (1%).

We called Senator Romney’s office for reaction, but the woman who answered the call said something about a crank call and hung up.

Is Bolton Jewish?

White House

January 29, 2020

As revelations from John Bolton’s forthcoming book continue to threaten all hope for a swift, witness-free impeachment trial, White House advisers are working feverishly on a campaign to regain control of the narrative.

“Tell me again, why is the Bolton news so damaging?”

“Do we have to go through this again?   It’s simple, for weeks we have been repeating again and again that when President Trump spoke with President Zelensky about opening an investigation of Bursima that his only concern was corruption in Ukrainian politics; that when he delayed delivering military aid that Congress had authorized, his only concern was corruption in Ukrainian politics.  Got it?  The President told Bolton, to his face, that his only real concern was getting dirt that could embarrass Joe Biden.  Got it?”

“Can’t we just deny it?  I mean, remember when Mr. Trump denied that he was mocking that crippled guy [Imitates Trump imitating NYT journalist Serge Kovaleski] [Laughs weakly]  Those were the days.”

“That’s been our plan when the only witnesses were all those women who probably scare a lot of our voters.  But this is John Bolton – one of ours.”

“Is Bolton Jewish?”

“What?  No!  What?”

“We could ask the ‘Dancing Bears’ to include Bolton in their next Soros piece.  You know, Soros and Bolton, working hand-in-hand behind closed doors to undermine American sovereignty and replace hardworking …”

[Yelling]  "No!  I told you, Bolton isn’t Jewish.  He’s from a white, blue-collar family in Baltimore.  He could be a deplorable.”

“Is he a Mason?”

Trump Attorney: Nothing New

White House

January 27, 2020

“Anything new I should know about before I head over to the Senate to wrap this thing impeachment thing up?”

“Are you kidding?  Didn’t you hear about the Bolton book?”

[Staring straight ahead] “So, nothing new.”

“How can you say that?  The New York Times reported this weekend that John Bolton’s new book includes the claim that he heard the President direct that Ukrainian military aid be held up until they came up with some dirt on Joe Biden.”

“Yup, nothing new.”

“Why do you keep saying that?  This could be a disaster.  This isn’t Colonel Strangelove or one of those weepy women.  This is John Fucking Bolton, the guy who wants a war with Iran, confirming what we have been denying for weeks.”

“Like I thought.  Nothing new.”

“Glad you’re not worried.  Now the President wants to nip this thing in the bud.  He’s already issued a strong denial that he ever spoke with John Bolton.  We’re pretty sure Senators McConnell and Graham will back us up … ah, who am I kidding, they will back us up.  But we just need to worry about … Hey! Are you okay?”

“Nothing new.  This is nothing new.  [Looks up suddenly] Oh – I’m fine, why do you ask?”

“Well, you just stuck your pen into the desk and you have a bulge in your forehead that I’ve never seen before.”

“Sorry, no time for chit-chat.  Have to go defend the President “ [Gets up and walks away]

“Sir, that’s the closet!”

Trump: Lev Who?

White House

Washington, DC

January 16, 2020

Aide:  Sir, as I think you understand [coughs awkwardly] our plans for a smooth impeachment trial have been upset by all the news concerning Mr. Parnas.

Trump:  Who?

Aide:  Lev Parnas, sir, the gentleman Mr. Guiliani engaged to help him with the Ukrainian … um … ‘situation.’

Trump:  Never met him – never heard of him.

Aide:  As you have said before, sir, but I was hoping you could help us to understand some other information that seems to [coughs awkwardly] contradict these assertions.

Trump:  You mean all that garbage on the fake liberal media.

Aide:  There is that, but then again, sir, can you explain this picture of you standing next to Mr. Parnas with his arm around you?

Trump:  Are you sure that’s not a cardboard cutout of me?

Aide:  Quite sure.

Trump:  Well it was probably in the receiving line at some fundraiser.  I think any schmo who forks over enough money is guaranteed a picture.  And I don’t talk to most of them, so couldn’t we say we never met?

Aide:  Okay, not bad.  But how about this photo of you standing next to Mr. Parnas as he hands Barron a birthday present.

Trump:  Who?

Aide:  Barron.

Trump:  Never met him – never heard of him.

Aide:  He’s your son.  Barron Trump.  And it would seem that someone invited Mr. Parnas to your son’s birthday party.

Trump:  Oh, right.  Melania’s kid.   I don’t know, maybe he crashed the party.

Aide:  But your hand is on his shoulder.  And there do not appear to be many guests, so wouldn’t you have to have met him?

Trump:  Hey, I’m pretty sure I had a lot of President stuff on my mind that day, so maybe I didn’t notice him.

Aide:  [Takes a deep breath] Okay [checking off box], we’ll have to work on that one.

Trump:  [Angrily] Is that it?

Aide:  Not exactly.  Then there is this photo of you, Mrs. Trump, and Mr. Parnas sitting around a table in your pajamas drinking coffee.  Do you recall this, Mr. Trump?

Trump:  Um … um … gee, great shot of Melania.  Right?

Aide:  Yes, well that is not quite the point, is it?  And besides the intimate setting, you appear to be sliding a pile of cash in Mr. Parnas’s direction.

Trump:  Yeah, that Melania, she’s one looker.  I mean … [tugs collar] … when she’s in the room, I don’t notice anyone else in the room, or what I’m doing.

Aide:  [On phone] Get me Sen. McConnell on the phone and see how that thing with the witnesses is going.

Another Gift From Vlad

White House – Washington, DC

December 10, 2019

Lavrov: Donald, President Putin wanted you to know that he didn’t forget you. [Hands a small gift]

Trump:  Oh, tell him he didn’t have to. [Excitedly unwraps package] Another tie bar!  Wow, this is even nicer than the last one.

Lavrov: He thought you would like it.

Trump:  Like it?  I love it!  What is this, titanium?

Lavrov: Something like that.  Also, Donald, I need to take the last tie bar that President Putin gave you [Reaches over and removes Trump’s tie bar]

Trump:  [Shocked] Hey, Sergey, what gives?  Can’t I keep that one too, as a memento?

Lavrov: Um … well, actually, Donald … um … President Putin is worried because these tie bars were recalled.  Yes, they were recalled because, they might be radioactive.

Trump:  Really?  That’s funny, because I thought I heard it buzzing some times.

Lavrov: See, I grabbed it just in time.  We – you, I mean you – won’t have to worry about that this new one making noise.  Now remember, Donald, President Putin requests that you wear this tie pin at all times.

Trump:  Of course.

Lavrov: For example, President Putin is pretty sure that you were not wearing your old pin when you were on the phone with President Zelensky last summer. 

Trump:  That’s right.  I was on my way to the course so I had already changed out of my suit.  Wow, it’s almost like Vlad was in the room with me!

Lavrov: Almost, Donald, almost.

Trump: I Hate Ukraine

The West Wing

November 13, 2019

Aide: Sir, it looks like this problem is not going to go away like we had all hoped, so it is important that you master some basic details about Ukraine.

Trump: I still don't understand why we even have an embassy there.  It’s a fake country!  Vlad says that …

Aide: [Nervous laughter]  We have been over this, sir, President Putin’s input on Ukraine may not be entirely helpful ... or accurate.

Trump: Heh-heh, bet you wouldn’t him that to his face.

Aide: Be that as it may, sir, you seem to be fixated on the idea that Ukraine is part of Russia, so we have asked Professor Borissow, who is an expert on Russian-Ukrainian history, to try to clarify the matter.  Professor, please.

Professor: Well, President Trump, this is quite an honor.  You see, Ukraine’s historical relationship to Russia is very complicated.  For example, both Russians and Ukrainians claim Kiev to be their founding city. In 988 …

Trump: Bor-ing!  This is so boring!  Let’s speed things up, smart guy, aren’t Russians and Ukrainians the same?

Professor: No, sir.

Trump: You mean, they’re totally different?

Professor: No, sir.  Both Russians and Ukrainians are Slavic peoples.  They are …

Trump: Like Ivana?

Professor: [Smiles]  Very good, sir.  In fact, your former wife is also a Slav.

Trump: Russian or Ukrainian?

Professor: Neither, sir.  I believe your former wife is Czech.  Czechs are a different Slavic nation.  Similarly, the first lady is …

Trump: Melania is Ukrainian?

Professor: [Wipes brow] No, sir.  Mrs. Trump is Slovenian, which is another one of the Slavic nations.

Trump: [To aide]  This guy isn’t helping at all.  Couldn’t you just show me a map?

Aide: If you remember, sir, we tried that, but you just kept staring and repeating, “God, Russia is fucking huge.”

Trump: Okay, so you say that Ukraine is a real country.

Aide: Since 1990, sir.

Trump: Well, why don’t I have any hotels there?

Aide: Again, sir, I have no insights into your business decisions.

Trump: And why should I care about all this again?

Aide: [Shouting] Because … [Regains composure] Because, sir, the House of Representatives is opening impeachment proceedings against you on the basis of a telephone call that you had with the Ukrainian President.  Therefore, you need to know some basic information about …. Sir, please don’t walk out again!

Trump: [Hastily leaving room] I hate Ukraine!

The Quid Pro Quo Effect: Latin Studies Flourish

Smallwood, Ohio

October 23, 2019

Edward F. O’Connor is back in business.  As the lone Latin instructor at the Smallwood Community College, O’Connor had seen enrollments drop to the point that officials warned his courses might be eliminated altogether.  But this year he has seen a surge in new students.  The reason?  “It’s quite clear.  These kids have heard the phrase ‘quid pro quo’ so often it got them wondering where it came from.  They all say that.“  The task now is to expand on this naïve curiosity.  “I can see I have my work cut out for me.  During the first class I started to explain the accusative case and just got blank stares.  Finally, one young man asked, is that why prosecutors use so much Latin, because they accuse people?”  Still, O’Connor remains confident that the future of the Latin program looks strong.  “I studied Latin intensely because I wanted to be a priest, so you could say that faith brought me to Latin and faith sustains me.  Besides, just think how much Latin will come up in the impeachment trial.”

Trump-Putin: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 3)

Washington-Moscow

October 11, 2019

TRUMP: Vlad? Are you there?

PUTIN: Yes, Donald.  What is it?

TRUMP: Well, Vlad – oh, by the way, have I ever told you how cool it that you let me call you ‘Vlad’?

PUTIN: Yes, Donald, every time we talk.  Now, what is it you want, Donald?

TRUMP: I’m so depressed, Vlad.  It looks like I am going to be impeached.  Do you think I should just resign and save myself all the trouble?

PUTIN: Resign?  Impeached?  Don’t be so negative.  This will pass, Donald, trust me.

TRUMP: Well, that’s the thing, Vlad.  You told me that I should investigate what Biden’s son did in Ukraine, so I did.  When I said it would look bad that I was using our diplomats to go after my political opponent, you said if I had Giuliani do it, no one would notice.  Then you told me I should go ahead and let Turkey move into Syria because Erdogan promised you he would not hurt the Kurds.

PUTIN: What is your point, Donald?

TRUMP: Well, Vlad, I don’t know how to say this, but you always tell me to me to trust you, yet it seems like all your advice has gotten me in hot water.  It might help if you told me what the plan is.  You just keep telling me to trust you.

PUTIN: I see.  Okay, Donald, what if I were to tell you that this was the plan all along.  That the whole reason our government devoted so many resources to getting you elected was because we thought you were so vain and incompetent that you would turn the USA into such a laughing stock that it would be years, maybe centuries before the USA would dare tell another country that it wasn’t democratic enough, or that it was too corrupt.

TRUMP: But, but, but …

PUTIN: PSYCHE!

[Both laugh]

TRUMP: Oh, Vlad.  You really had me going there. 

PUTIN: Now, let’s cut out all this talk about resigning.  We have great things to do.

TRUMP: Okay.  But, seriously, what is the end game?

PUTIN: You’ll have to trust me, Donald.

'El Chapo' on Call with Zelensky

Washington, DC

October 1, 2019

The revelation that Secretary of State Pompeo was on the line during the now infamous telephone call between President Donald Trump and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky has prompted questions about just who else was on the call. 

“Other than the President and Secretary Pompeo … and Mr. Giuliani, it was basically just a few staff members on the call, no one who would raise any suspicions, except maybe the Mexican.”

“The Mexican?”

“Yes, Mr. Guzman.”

“Mr. Guzman?”

“Let me see [reading] Joaquin Archivaldo Guzman.”

“El Chapo!!”

“Yes, that is the name most people know him by.  And what a pain – you would think it would be easier to arrange a secure phone line to a Federal Supermax prison.”

“But he was just convicted of running a murderous drug cartel!”

“Which he is appealing.”

“But why in God’s name would you want El Chapo on the call?”

“A fair question.  Mr. Trump thought Mr. … um … Chapo, might be able to provide some guidance to our Ukrainian friends on how to convince reluctant witnesses to … um … cooperate.”

“The President himself asked for El Chapo to be on the line?”

“There was some grumbling from our national security advisors, but Mr. Trump was adamant.  I believe his exact words were, ‘Here’s a guy who won’t rat me out.’  And in the end, Mr. Zelensky indicated that Mr. Guzman’s … um … assistance, would not be required.”

“Just amazing.  Was there anyone else on the call we should know about?”

“[Reviewing list] Let me see.  You knew that President Putin was listening in, right?”

House Democrats Ask Putin for Call Transcript

Washington, DC

September 25, 2019

In an effort to get a complete picture of what transpired during the now infamous telephone call between U.S. president Donald Trump and Ukrainian president Volodomyr Zelensky, the Democratic leadership of the House Judiciary Committee took the extraordinary step of asking the Russian government to turn over whatever tapes, transcripts, or analyses that it may have collected from the call.

“May have?  Come on, this is their back yard.  They probably had more bugs in that room than … than … well, more bugs than in my back yard.”

“But aren’t you satisfied with the transcript that the White House produced?”

“Transcript?  Please.  Did you notice how they show Trump speaking in whole sentences?  Give me a break.”

“I see what you mean.  But still, do you expect the Russians to comply?  After all, a lot of people think they see President Trump as an intelligence asset.”

“After this the Russians no longer see President Trump as an intelligence asset.”

“What makes you say that?”

“One of our agents in Moscow reported that Putin called Trump a ‘horse’s ass’ in a call with Medvedev yesterday.  He didn’t even bother to use a secure line.”