Kim: North Korea Cannot Help You, Donald

Pyonyang – Washington

June 3, 2020

Aide to Kim Jong-Un:  It’s him again.

Kim:  Hello Donald

Trump:  Hello Kim!  Wow, you must be really busy because I can never get through to you.

Kim:  Well, Donald, defending my noble country from the predations of the Imperialist barking dog is a full-time job.

[Both laugh]

Kim:  Anyway, Donald, I think I know why you are calling.  The answer is still no.

Trump:  [Pleading] But Kim!  Remember how I agreed to meet with you when the whole world wouldn’t say your name?  I think you owe me.

Kim:  Hey, I said thank you.  But I just don’t see how North Korea can send any troops to help you put down this insurrection you say that you are facing.

Trump:  Aw gee.  Not even a division.  I’m not sure how many men are in a division but it can’t be too many.

Kim:  No, Donald.

Trump:  It wouldn’t need to be for too long.  I know you guys are really sneaky, so you could probably be in and out in no time.

Kim:  [Testily] Why do say we are “really sneaky?”

Trump:  [Nervously] Um … well … I’m not sure, but come on, my own Defense Department doesn’t want to let me use any of our troops. There's an angry mob right outside my window.  If this goes on, I’m going to look like a dope.

Kim:  Well, let's say I was able to send over a team, I know that you are still dealing with the Chinese virus there.  Would you have masks for my men?

Trump:  Couldn’t you bring your own?

Kim:  Goodbye, Donald

[Dial tone]

Kushner:  Well?

Trump:  No go.  Let’s try Putin one more time before we go back to the bunker.

Trump Tries Out the 'Flynn-Defense'

May 24, 2020

Hannity:  Mr. President, all of us at Fox are grateful that you have taken the time to speak with us for the 486^th time.

Trump:  Thanks, Sean, always great to be here, especially since you canned that Shep Smith loser.

Hannity:  Who?

[Both laugh]

Hannity:  Now then, Mr. President, you have been talking a lot about the Michael Flynn case, and some are calling this brewing scandal ‘Obamagate.’

Trump:  That’s right, Sean.  The greatest crime in human history.  Some people are saying this might be worse than Eve eating the apple.  We'll have to see.

Hannity:  Um, well, be that as it may, I wonder if you could help us out with something.  Back in 2017, you said that you had to fire General Flynn because he lied, but now you are blaming the FBI.  A lot of people want to know, did General Flynn lie when interviewed by the FBI in 2017?

Trump:  Yes, he did, Sean, but the point is, those FBI agents wanted him to lie.  They easily could have warned him, and said something like, ‘hey, bro, you know that if you lie to us it’s a Federal crime punishable by fines and incarceration.’  But they didn’t do that.  They just let him lie.  So it’s really their fault.

Hannity:  [Silence]  Okay, I see where you are going.

Trump:  It’s really kind of like me and this COVID thing.

Hannity:  [Silence] Um … maybe you could explain that, sir.’

Trump:  It’s really obvious, Sean.  Everyone is blaming me for lying back in January about how serious the COVID threat was, even though I had been briefed by intelligence and public health officials.

Hannity:  [Silence] So … so … so … can you help me out here, Mr. President?

Trump:  Well, when those reporters were yelling out their questions, no one said that if I lied they would throw it back in my face.  But you see, they wanted me to lie.  So, if you think about it, this whole mess is really the media’s fault.  But let me just say, I feel really too bad that a few people have died -- even though it's ... like I said ... not my fault.

Hannity:  [Hesitantly] I guess that is one way of looking at it, sir. [Makes throat-cutting gesture]

Trump:  It’s the same thing when I said that anyone who wanted a test could get one, or when I said there were plenty of masks, or … [screen goes blank]

Hannity:  Oops.  We seem to have lost the feed.  We’ll be right back after the commercial as a panel of pseudo-experts will use the words Joe Biden and sexual predator in every sentence.

Melania: Put on the Mask, Donald!

White House

May 21, 2020

Melania:  Donald, do not come into this room without a mask!

Trump:  But Melania, we’ve been through this.  I don’t wanna wear a mask.  There are a lot of people who look up to me as the guy who wasn’t afraid of the virus.

Melania:  And that is why I am afraid of you, so put on the mask.

Trump:  But isn’t it enough that you and the boy have on masks?

Melania:  The boy?  You mean Barron?  Your son?

Barron:  Hi Dad.

Trump:  He knows who I mean.  But anyway, as long as you two are wearing masks, we’re all safe, right?

Melania:  Well, maybe I don’t ‘wanna’ wear a mask either. [Moves to remove mask]

Trump:  Hey, what are you doing?  Stay away from me!  

[Secret Service comes running up] Don’t worry fellas, I've got this.  Heah-heah.

Wow that was close.  Don’t do that again!  When’s the last time you were tested?

Melania:  Two hours ago.  I am tested every two hours.  Remember?

Trump:  And have you touched anyone since then?

Melania:  Only Barron.

Trump:  Who?  Oh yeah, the boy … um … I mean … our son.

Barron:  Hi Dad.

Melania:  Look, Donald, I’ve had it.  Put on the mask or you can’t come in.  Not now, not ever.

Trump:  You mean no … no …

Melania:  That’s right, no more “touching.”

Putin: We Will Build A Really Super Duper Missile!

Moscow, Russia

May 15, 2020

In light of President Trump’s claim that the USA will win the race to develop a Super Duper Missile (SDM), Russian President Vladimir Putin ordered his Defense Minister Sergey Shoygu to cease SDM development immediately in order to concentrate all necessary resources on the next generation Really Super Duper Missile (RSDM).  In an official announcement, Putin assured the Russian people that he will not allow Russia or its allies to be vulnerable to an American attack.  

Off the record, lower level Russian Defense Ministry officials expressed befuddlement at President Trump’s remarks and at President Putin’s response.  A Russian general holding an English-Russian technical dictionary asked, “Vat eet meens, ‘duper’?

FDR: It's Time to Wind Down the War Effort

White House

Washington, DC

June 7, 1944

FDR:  Now that our brave lads have pulled off one of the most amazing feats in military history with the Normandy landing, the defeat of the Axis powers is a foregone conclusion.  Therefore, I think it is about time to start winding down the war effort.

Reporter:  Do you mean we are pulling out our troops?

FDR:  Now hold on there -- don't go putting words in my mouth.  Who said anything about pulling out our troops?  We remain firmly committed to victory over the enemy.  But isn’t it about time to get the economy moving again?  What’s the use of all this fighting if these boys don’t have jobs to come back to?

Reporter:  So what exactly does winding down mean?

FDR:  Well, as of now, there will be no further deployments to the European theater and we are investigating which units can be withdrawn while still maintaining an aggressive posture.

Reporter:  Aren’t you afraid that this policy could give Hitler a chance to regroup his forces?

FDR:  Not at all.  As I said, victory now is all but assured.  And besides, if this does give Hitler a little breathing room, maybe he’ll take the opportunity to change his ways.  One way or another, it’s time to crank up the might US economic engine.

Reporter:  Did you consult with our allies on this? 

FDR:  Well, they really would have no reason to object because no other country has sacrificed more of its fighting men in this fight.

Reporter:  But what about the Red Army?  Haven't they ...

FDR:  [Interrupts] Next.

Reporter:  Mr. President, I don’t notice any of your military advisors standing with you.  Are the Joint Chiefs of Staff on board with this decision?

FDR:  I think it’s safe to say that the Joint Chiefs of Staff, being the great patriots they are, share my goal of revving up the American economy.  

Reporter:  But that wasn’t the question!  

FDR:  [Interrupts] Sorry, Scotty.  One question to a customer.  Next

Reporter:  Mr. President, what about Japan?  We still have a long way to go there, too.

FDR:  Japan?  Oh yes.  Well, I am confident that once Germany falls, the Japanese will see the writing on the wall.  Besides, our pressure in the Pacific is showing results.  Why, I understand their pilots are so undernourished they’re trying to land their planes on our ships.  So, clearly, victory is in sight.

Reporter:  Wait!  That’s not why …

FDR:  [Interrupts] There, there.  You had your shot.  Now then, before I go, I’d like to say a word to the American people, especially the good people of Pennsylvania, Iowa, Oregon, and several other swing states.  Good news, my friends, your boys are coming home!  Happy Days are here again!

Trump Gets Why Everyone Is Laughing At Him

Washington, DC - Oval Office

April 27, 2020

Trump:  Jared, come on in.

Kushner:  Thank you for seeing me, sir.  Ivanka said you were a little down.

Trump:  You know, Jared, I understand everyone’s laughing at me.  But …

Kushner:  [Interrupts] Don’t worry, sir, I’m sure that whole ‘bleach thing’ will pass over.

Trump:  [Surprised]  Bleach thing?

Kushner:  [Nervously] You know, sir, your … um … sarcastic remarks about injecting bleach into the body, which, um, everyone knows you can’t do because … because … um

Trump:  Yeah, I zinged those reporters good, huh.  Wait, you think people are laughing at me because of that?

Kushner:  [Even more nervously] Well, sir, a few people thought … um … that maybe … um …. Well, sir, why don’t you tell me why you think they’re laughing at you.

Trump:  Didn’t you read the news over the weekend?

Kushner:  Yes, sir.

Trump:  Then isn’t it obvious?  [Points to headline: “First Lady Melania Trump Celebrates 50^th Birthday”]

Kushner:  Now I think I understand.  But don’t worry, sir, I’m sure that when this whole pandemic is over you will be able to throw her a big party that will …

Trump:  No!  You don’t get it at all.  Imagine:  Donald Trump – the “Donald” – married to a 50-year old woman!  It’s humiliating.

Kushner:  Sir, I really don’t think that ….

Trump:  [Oblivious] And now everyone’s laughing at me.  I’m so glad my father isn’t alive to see me married to an old woman.  It would kill him.

Kushner:  But, sir, didn’t your father stay married to your mother, and …

Trump:  Now, don’t worry.  Melania and her kid, um, um, …

Kushner:  Barron.

Trump:  Barron?  Are you sure?  Don’t worry, Melania and Barron will be taken care of.  Then, it’s time for the Donald to bring in a new model.  I’m thinking I should go back to a blond this time.

Kushner:  Do you think now is the time to be thinking about this?

Trump:  Of course, now is the time to be thinking about this.  It’s gotta take place before the election.  At first I thought I’d play the swinging bachelor for a while, but then it came to me.  Imagine this: we could double up the inauguration with a presidential wedding.  I’m sure that will bring in bigger crowds than the Kenyan got.

Kushner:  [Gulps]  And who are you going to marry?

Trump:  Don’t you worry about that.  I’ve got Junior and Eric narrowing down candidates.  But I’ve got an important job for you.

Kushner: [Gulps] Yes, sir.

Trump:  I want you to break the word to the current Mrs. Trump.

Kushner:  [Shocked] Me.  Why me?   Um … um … um … what do I tell her?

Trump:  You’re a smart guy.  I trust you to come up with something good.  But between me and you, you might want to remind her that Homeland Security is still looking into whether she worked back in the 90s when she was here on a tourist visa.  Okay.  Run along.  Hannity’s coming on.

[Kushner exits into hallway hyperventilating.  Walks by Vice President Pence, Chief of Staff Meadows, Mitch McConnell and Ivanka Trump hiding behind a corner.]

Pence:  Well, did you tell him that I’ll be doing the coronavirus briefings from now on?  Jared?  Where are you running to?  Get back here, Kushner!

The Real Story Behind Kim's Mystery Illness

Washington – Pyongyang

April 19, 2020

Kim:  Donald?

Trump:  Kim, my old friend, how are you?

Kim:  Not very good, Donald.  [Coughs] I have had this cough, and I am sweating a lot more than usual.

Trump:  Wow, that sounds bad.  Say, do you have the Chinese virus?  Oh, sorry, my son, um, …

Kim:  Barron?

Trump:  Yeah, that’s it.  Well, he says it’s racist to use that name.

Kim:  No problem, Donald, here we call it the “Big brother who won’t keep his nose out of our business” virus.  I am not sure because we do not have any tests yet.  Of course, I don’t need to tell you how big a problem that is.

[Both laugh – Kim coughs again]

Trump:  Listen, Kim, don’t worry.  I have the cure.

Kim:  Donald, I have tried those pills you keep talking about, but they didn’t work.

Trump:  Forget the pills.  They were my dopey son-in-law’s idea.  But this is the real deal.  Are you listening?

Kim:  Of course I’m listening, Donald.

Trump:  Bleach!

Kim:  We must have a bad connection, Donald.  I thought you said bleach.

Trump:  That’s right, bleach.  The same stuff you use for whiter whites.

Kim:  Well, how much do I take?

Trump:  I’m not too sure.  Maybe you should start out with a capful and see how it goes.

Kim:  And do I take it straight?

Trump:  You might try mixing it with your favorite beverage so it will go down easier.

Kim:  I don’t know, Donald.  This sounds very risky.

Trump:  Trust me, I have a feeling about this, just like I knew this virus thing would become a pandemic.

Kim:  Okay, Donald.  I owe you one ... I think.

Trump:  Don’t mention it.  Goodbye, Kim.

Kim:  Goodbye, Donald.

[Both hang up]

Kim:  [To aide]  Well, what do you think?  Should I try bleach?

Aide: It sounds crazy, but what do you have to lose?