The Trump Legal Team

 

Mar-A-Lago, Florida
September 1, 2023

[Two men in suits enter a banquet room where dozens are seated at tables]
Attorney 1: Ladies and, um, I guess there are only gentlemen here.  I hope you enjoyed the buffet, but now it’s time to get to business.  Thank you for coming in on short notice, but as you know, our client has a trial – actually, a series of trials – coming up, which means we need to settle on a winning defense strategy now.  Unfortunately, because several members of Mr. Trump’s legal team have decided to leave his employ and several others are, um, facing indictment or disbarment, we have had to assemble this group on the fly, but I’m sure if we put our heads together, we can make this happen.
Attorney 2: Given that Mr. Trump is facing several different charges on several different fronts …
Voice from the room: They won’t leave the poor man alone!
Attorney 2: … be that as it may, I thought it best if we tackle each case differently.  So then, let’s look at the Federal charges.  First, we have the documents case.  As I am sure you all know, these charges are being brought under the …
Voice from the room: It’s a crock.  It’s all because of that drug-addict maniac Smith guy got orders from Sleepy Joe Biden to ….
[Laughter and shouts of agreement.]
Attorney 1: Hold on there, sir.  I think it best if we try to keep our discussion limited to the legal dimensions.  Whatever our opinions might be of Mr. Smith, we need to fashion a strategy that addresses the [clears throat] quite impressive arguments and evidence in the indictment.  So, I think we might begin by looking at …
Voice from the room:  But it’s all lies!  Those are personal papers.  Those corrupt Bidens just know that President Trump will beat them – again – in 2024.
[Loud shouts of agreement.]
Attorney 1:  As I said, our discussion here should focus on the letter of the law.  Now during discovery we are hoping to see if …
Voice from the room: Discovery?  As soon as we “discover” the addresses of a couple of jurors we’ll have nothing to worry about.
[Cheering and chanting from the room]
Attorney 2: That would be highly illegal Mr. …, I’m afraid I don’t recognize you, sir.
Attendee: Peter Holland, at President Trump’s service.
Attorney 2: And what firm are you with, Mr. Holland?
Attendee: Holland’s Pool Patrol.
Attorney 1: I’m sorry, did you say Holland’s Pool Patrol?  You mean you are not an attorney?
Attendee:  Well, not in the way that, well, no.  But when I met President Trump Junior …
Attorney 2:  Do you mean Mr. Trump’s son?
Attendee: Yessiree. Well, I met him when I was cleaning his pool and we got to talking about how those woke Washington swamp rats keep going after President Trump and he said, ‘Pete, you’re just the kind of guy my father needs on his defense team.’  Next thing I know, I got an invitation to this meeting.
Attorney 1: Thank you, we appreciate your devotion to Mr. Trump, but, unfortunately, given the legal complexities, we only need input from those who actually understand legal complexities.
Attendee: But ….
Attorney 1: Sit, please.  Now then, given the, um, [shakes head] very impressive arguments and evidence in the indictment, I wonder if we should pursue some kind of settlement.  What if we were to offer …
Voice from the room: Would you mind standin’ up?
Attorney 1: Excuse me?
Attendee 2: You heard me.  I said, would you mind standin’ up?  I see the jacket and tie, but I was wondering if you’re wearing a tutu because only some little girl would suggest giving up instead of fighting this bullshit charge like a man!
[Boisterous yells from the room]
Attorney 1: [nervously] I see, and you would be …
Attendee 2: K.P. Darnell.  Patriot.  Ready for action – not all this squawking.
Attorney 1: Mr. Darnell – let me say that’s quite a belt buckle – are you an attorney, by chance?
Attendee 2: Are you kidding? How can a hard-working white guy like me get into elite law school with all those woke quotas and tests?  [Nods of agreement throughout room.]  I won this trip for contributing 6 months in a row to President Trump’s Defense Fund.  That’s what I told the guy out front and he showed me in here.
Attorney 2: Okay, show of hands: is anyone here an attorney?  Anyone?  Or paralegal?  Or watched a lot of Law and Order?
[Nervous looks – no one raises their hand]
Attorney 2: In that case, if you gentlemen would excuse my colleague and me, you can get back to the buffet.  Oh look, more shrimp.
[Attorneys leave room while all others rush to the buffet table]
Attorney 1: We knew this wouldn’t be easy.  Say, just how did you end up as a counsel to Mr. Trump?
Attorney 2: My our managing partner is an old friend of Trump.  We drew straws and guess who lost. You?
Attorney 1: I was afraid you might recognize me.  Season 5?
Attorney 2: The Apprentice!  I thought you looked familiar.  I didn’t know that you were a lawyer.
Attorney 1: I wasn’t, then.  After I won the contest, in addition to signing an NDA they made me take this lifetime loyalty oath. 
Attorney 2: Seriously?!
Attorney 1: Yep.  Even had to get down on my knees.  I thought it was just for show but then I got a call a couple of months ago from the big guy himself that started “I hear you finished Yale Law.  I need you fast.”
Attorney 2: Wow, that’s a great story.  Tell me, have you been …
Attorney 1: Paid?  No.  Funny how everyone around here gets tight-lipped when I ask about my fee.
Attorney 2: It would take a pretty big check to make this worth it.  We told our kids, 2 and 5, that Daddy stole a lot of money so now he’s hiding.  Somehow that sounded better than, you know, this.
Together: I need a drink.

Trump's New Man in Moscow

Mar-a-Lago, Fl – Moscow, Russia

June 24, 2023 – 5:00 pm US EDT

Putin: Donald, I’m a little busy, what do you need?

Trump: [Breezily] Me? I don’t need a thing.

Putin: Then why are you calling?

Trump: [Nonchalant] Oh, just to say goodbye.

Putin: You sound strange, Donald.  Are you going somewhere?

Trump: Me?  I’m not going anywhere – at least not until my next court date.  But this might be our last conversation so I just wanted to say goodbye.

Putin: Well, okay then, I am sorry that you are not going to try to stick to the plan to the end.

Trump: [Snapping] Don’t try to play me, Vlad – and by the way, I still think it’s so cool that you let me call you Vlad.  I heard that you’re on your way out.  Was that part of your little “plan” I’ve heard so much about?  As soon as I get this Wagner guy’s number, I’ll let him know he's got a friend in Donald J. Trump.

Putin: Who?

Trump: [Mockingly] Who? Don’t play dumb, Vlad.  I know that this guy Wagner is leading his army to Moscow to throw you out, so I guess he’s the guy I need to be dealing with.

Putin: First of all, Donald, I think the guy you have in mind is Yevgenii Prigozhin.  He just called his little army the Vag-ner Group because he’s an opera nut.  Second, if you followed the news you’d know that …

Trump: [Interrupting] Hold on, Vlad. [Turns around putting hands over phone] Did you get the guy’s number, Junior?

Trump Jr: [Whispering] Not yet, Dad.

Trump: Well, check Vagner – I think we’ve been spelling it wrong.  [Back on line] You still there, Vlad.  I know you think you’re so smart but you just gave me a great tip. [Banging on door in the background] What the …

Putin: What’s going on there, Donald?  The FBI again?

Voices in background: [Screaming] Wait!  Stop!

Trump: Sorry, Vlad.  I might have to deal with this.  It’s been fun.  But once this Wagner, sorry, Vagner, gets things moving, maybe you can stay at my hotel in Moscow -- if you can afford it. 

[Hangs up]

Mar-a-Lago

Aide: [Catching breath] Sir, you didn’t say all those things did you?

Trump: Yeah, and did you hear that "if you can afford it"?  What a burn! 

Trump Jr: Good one, Dad.

Aide: [Shouting] What?  Nooo! Everything has changed!  You’ve got to turn on the news because ….

Trump: You deal with this, Junior.  I’ve got a tee time.

Moscow

Aide: So, do we block his calls from now on?

Putin: No, this will be good.

Trump Still Needs A Lawyer

Palm Beach, FL
June 17, 2023

“The dozens of attorneys who have defended Trump since 2016”
Washington Post, June 17, 2023

DT: Damn it!  Another one hung up on me!
ET: Dad, I don't think you're going to find another attorney this way.
DT: What do you mean, Eric?  I’m Donald Trump, I’m sure there are plenty of lawyers out there who would dream of having me as a client.  Dial the next one.
ET: Dad, the last one had a greeting that started “Unless you’re former President Donald Trump, please hold for the next available operator.”
DT: What?!  I’ll sue them.  That’s gotta be a violation of my 3rd Amendment Rights!
ET: Really?!
DT: Yeah, a lot of people think there are just two, but Rudy told me about this one.
ET: And why can’t Uncle Rudy handle this one again?
DT: I told you [mimes drinking from a bottle].
ET: Oh yeah.  But listen, Dad, I’ve got an idea.
DT: I’m all ears.
ET: Let me represent you!
DT: What?  You’re not a lawyer.  Wait, are you?  Sorry, it’s hard for me to keep track of all of the graduation cards I had my secretary send.
ET: Good call, Dad, I’m not, but I don’t have to be!
DT: Are you sure about this?
ET: Yeah, I saw it in a movie once.  I’m pretty sure it was even on CourtTV, so it must be real.
DT: I don’t know.  Between you and me, this actually kind of serious.  I should probably have a lawyer who knows their way around the court room.
ET: Like Sydney Powell?
DT: Okay, you got me on that one, but still, do you know how to handle yourself at a trial? 
ET: Just like you taught us, Dad, it’s all about attitude.  Picture this:  the judge says “You’re out of order,” then I stand up and say “No, you’re out of order!”  And if I’m ever really lost, I’ll just walk over by the jury and say, “Excuse me, but could you explain that to all of us non-lawyers!”  
DT: Heh-heh-heh.  I’d love to see that.  That stupid judge wouldn’t know what to say.
ET: See.  Come on, Dad.  Let me do it.  I’ve always wanted to make it up to you for when I blabbed about all the Russian money.
DT: I forgave you for that a long time ago, son, but …
ET: [Interrupts excitedly] So does that mean that …
DT: … but I’m afraid the damage can’t be undone. The will stays the same.
ET: [Dejected] Okay. 

A 'Top Secret' Trump Birthday

Mar-A-Lago, Palm Beach, FL
March 20, 2022

Trump: Happy Birthday, son!
Barron: Wow, you remembered.  And you almost spelled my name right on the card!
Trump: Huh?
Barron: It’s B-A-R-R-O-N, with 2 Rs.
Trump: Are you sure?  Because I could swear that …
Melania: [Clears throat loudly]
Trump: Oh well, sorry about that champ.  Anyway, I got you something really special.
Barron: [Opening wrapping paper]  It’s … it’s … a bunch of papers.  I don’t get it.  What are these, dad?  And why do they all have TOP SECRET stamped all over them?
Trump: Are you kidding?  What you are holding is a gold mine, um… um… Barron.  [Whispers to Melania] Am I pronouncing it right?
Barron: How’s that, dad?
Trump: These aren’t just any secrets, son. Believe me, there are lot of people ready to pay a lot of money for these papers.
Barron: What people?
Trump: Don’t worry son, they’ll find you.
Barron: That sounds kind of scary, dad.  Couldn’t you just give me the money?
Trump: [Nervously] Heh-heh-heh.  Well, Aunt Ivanka thought it would be better this way.
Barron: Aunt Ivanka?  You mean she isn’t my sister?  I mean ‘half-sister.’  She said to always remember that.
Melania: [Testily] You’re right, dear.  She is your sister, though for some reason she has double your share in your father’s will.
Trump: I said we’ll talk about that later.  But come on, you mean you don’t like it?
Barron: I guess it’s kind of cool.  And I like the card. [Reading] Uh, dad, why is it stamped “On Behalf of Donald J. Trump?”
Melania: Donald!!
Trump: Sorry, gotta run.  I’m pretty sure I’m late for a deposition.

More Mar-A-Lago Revelations

August 14, 2022

In response to the shocking news about the FBI search warrant for illegally stored documents at Mar-A-Lago, former President Trump’s son Eric speculated that seized documents contained nothing out of the ordinary, “"You'd have, you know, newspaper articles, pictures, notes from us…. “  AW News has since obtained the following family notes seized from the Trump vault. 

January 7, 1994
Dear Dad,
Thanks for the beautiful check!  It is really cool!  And $50 – almost as much as you gave Ivanka!  Only my name is Eric with a c, not a k.  Will the bank still take it?
Love,
Eric

February 8, 1995
Father,
If your idiot wife calls me Ivana one more time I am going to hit her.  Don’t be late again for our dinner on Friday – the caterer gets mad.
XOXO
Pumpkin

May 1, 1996
Dear Dad,
The people at Harvard tell me that the need at least a $25 million to accept me.  That shouldn’t be a problem, right?
Junior, i.e., Donald Junior -- your oldest son

August 6, 2002
Dear Dad,
My sister was really mean to me again in the elevator today.  What’s a bastard?  
Love you,
Tiff

August 9, 2002
Father,
Tell my half-sister to talk to my people if she needs anything. 
XOXO
Pumpkin

November 20, 2004
Hi Dad,
We were all wondering if we could look at your prenup before you marry that model lady.  Okay, it’s really Ivanka but she’s afraid to ask.  Think we could have a looksie?  Maybe at Thanksgiving dinner.  I’m invited, right?
Eric (with a c)

January 10, 2005
Dad,
I had a great time at the wedding.  Does “mom” have a hot sister?
Junior

September 20, 2005
Father,
I warned you to include a ‘no-child’ clause this time.  This one better not be coming out of my share.
XOXO
Pumpkin

July 15, 2016
Dear Dad,
Who’s this Penny guy?  I thought I would be your vice president.  Could you make me an ambassador or something?
Donald Trump, Jr., your oldest son and the main beneficiary of your will – right?

May 8, 2017
Dear Dad,
Sorry I blabbed about how much Russian money we take in.  Do you think that will be a problem?
Eric/Erik

March 22, 2019
Dear Dad,
It turns out the bank will not take a check made out to ‘Melania’s kid.’  Think I could have another?  It’s B-a-r-r-o-n.
Love,
Barron, i.e., Melania's kid

Trump-Putin: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 8)

Moscow-Palm Beach
April 2, 2022

Putin: Donald?
Trump: Vlad?  Long time no hear.  How are you?
Putin: What is it, Donald?
Trump: Still all business.  Well Vlad – and by the way, I still think it’s so cool that I get to call you Vlad – I’ve got the answer to all your problems.
Putin: [Silence]
Trump: Vlad, you there?
Putin: [Impatiently] I’m waiting to hear what you think is the answer to all my problems.  What is it?
Trump: Truth Social.
Putin: What?
Trump: Truth Social.  I heard how you got knocked off Twitter, just like me.  I’m sure it’s just killing you.  Well, you might have heard that I came up with a replacement that’s way better.  We’ve already twice as many users.
Putin: Donald, do you know what my biggest problem is right now?  I found out that the head of my intelligence service is more incompetent than your idiot son.
Trump: Which one?
Putin: Junior.
Trump: Ouch.
Putin: That’s right.  And you think I’m worried about Twitter?
Trump: Well, I just thought that …
Putin: And if I was, do you think I would use your new platform?  One of my aides tried to sign up and he’s still waiting for confirmation 2 months later.
Trump: Yeah, I heard there were some problems, but I’ve got Junior, I mean Eric, working on it.
Putin: Donald, I wasn’t “knocked off Twitter,” I blocked Twitter.
Trump: Really, don’t you think some fiery tweets would help you out with your war in …, um …
Putin: [Interrupting] “Special Operation,” Donald, not a war.  And do you even know where it is?
Trump: Sure, it’s in … um … wait, don’t tell me.
Putin: I’ll give you a hint -- you were impeached for trying to bribe their President.
Trump: Oh yeah, the little Jewish guy.  Nah, it couldn’t be Israel.  Siberia?
Putin: Goodbye, Donald. [Dial tone]
Trump: Vlad, are you there?  He hung up.  I didn’t even get to tell him that Melania sends her best.
Junior: What did Uncle Vlad say, Dad?  Am I going to be heading up our Truth Social office in Russia?
Trump: Yeah, about that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea with the whole war thing right now.
Junior: What war?
Trump: The war in … um , I don’t know, why don’t you ask your brother?
Junior: I’m not sure where Eric is.
Trump: How about the other one, um … aw geez.
Junior: You mean Barron?
Trump: Why can't I remember his name.  Yeah, him, he’s always got his nose in his phone.  Maybe he saw something about a war.  

Marjorie Taylor Greene Gets A History Lesson

Palm Springs, Florida
February 10, 2022

Trump: Now Marjorie, you’re going to just have to let this pass.
MTG: But I’m just so mad at the lame lib media people who think they’re so smart.
Trump: Preaching to the choir.  Take away their fancy education and “fact-checkers” and “ethics” and who are they?
MTG: Yeah, stupid libs!  They’re always trying to make me look dumb.
Trump: [Chuckling] Well, Marjorie, that was a real humdinger.  I mean mixing up Gestapo and gazpacho. That’s worse than when I said that Frederick Douglas was alive, or when I said that George Washington had an air force, or when … 
MTG: [Interrupting] Or when you said people could inject bleach.
Trump: [Angry] Okay!  Stupid libs.  The point is, we all make mistakes.  Then we just deny we ever said it and move on.
MTG: But I’m not wrong.  I know the German secret police were the Gestapo, but what about the Italians?  
Trump:  The Italians?
MTG: That’s right, everybody forgets about the Italians.  They were friends with the Germans but they had their own police called the Gazpacho.
Trump: Did you read this somewhere?
MTG: [Chuckling]  As if.  This guy who used to come to our gym told me, and he was like super smart.  
Trump:  I hate to tell you this, dear, but this “smart guy” gave you some fake news.  The Italian secret police were called the mafia, or the "Costa Rica."  But don’t let Rudy hear you talking about them or it will set him off.
MTG: [Dejected] Could be.  And the guy had a great truck, too.  Stupid libs.
Barron:  [Enters] Dad, mom told me to tell you and the crazy lady that lunch is ready. [Exits]
Trump: [Embarrassed] Heh … crazy lady … um … cute kid, right?
MTG: You mean Barron?
Trump:  Barron?  Why can’t I ever remember his name?  Stupid libs!