More Mar-A-Lago Revelations

August 14, 2022

In response to the shocking news about the FBI search warrant for illegally stored documents at Mar-A-Lago, former President Trump’s son Eric speculated that seized documents contained nothing out of the ordinary, “"You'd have, you know, newspaper articles, pictures, notes from us…. “  AW News has since obtained the following family notes seized from the Trump vault. 

January 7, 1994
Dear Dad,
Thanks for the beautiful check!  It is really cool!  And $50 – almost as much as you gave Ivanka!  Only my name is Eric with a c, not a k.  Will the bank still take it?
Love,
Eric

February 8, 1995
Father,
If your idiot wife calls me Ivana one more time I am going to hit her.  Don’t be late again for our dinner on Friday – the caterer gets mad.
XOXO
Pumpkin

May 1, 1996
Dear Dad,
The people at Harvard tell me that the need at least a $25 million to accept me.  That shouldn’t be a problem, right?
Junior, i.e., Donald Junior -- your oldest son

August 6, 2002
Dear Dad,
My sister was really mean to me again in the elevator today.  What’s a bastard?  
Love you,
Tiff

August 9, 2002
Father,
Tell my half-sister to talk to my people if she needs anything. 
XOXO
Pumpkin

November 20, 2004
Hi Dad,
We were all wondering if we could look at your prenup before you marry that model lady.  Okay, it’s really Ivanka but she’s afraid to ask.  Think we could have a looksie?  Maybe at Thanksgiving dinner.  I’m invited, right?
Eric (with a c)

January 10, 2005
Dad,
I had a great time at the wedding.  Does “mom” have a hot sister?
Junior

September 20, 2005
Father,
I warned you to include a ‘no-child’ clause this time.  This one better not be coming out of my share.
XOXO
Pumpkin

July 15, 2016
Dear Dad,
Who’s this Penny guy?  I thought I would be your vice president.  Could you make me an ambassador or something?
Donald Trump, Jr., your oldest son and the main beneficiary of your will – right?

May 8, 2017
Dear Dad,
Sorry I blabbed about how much Russian money we take in.  Do you think that will be a problem?
Eric/Erik

March 22, 2019
Dear Dad,
It turns out the bank will not take a check made out to ‘Melania’s kid.’  Think I could have another?  It’s B-a-r-r-o-n.
Love,
Barron, i.e., Melania's kid

Trump-Putin: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 8)

Moscow-Palm Beach
April 2, 2022

Putin: Donald?
Trump: Vlad?  Long time no hear.  How are you?
Putin: What is it, Donald?
Trump: Still all business.  Well Vlad – and by the way, I still think it’s so cool that I get to call you Vlad – I’ve got the answer to all your problems.
Putin: [Silence]
Trump: Vlad, you there?
Putin: [Impatiently] I’m waiting to hear what you think is the answer to all my problems.  What is it?
Trump: Truth Social.
Putin: What?
Trump: Truth Social.  I heard how you got knocked off Twitter, just like me.  I’m sure it’s just killing you.  Well, you might have heard that I came up with a replacement that’s way better.  We’ve already twice as many users.
Putin: Donald, do you know what my biggest problem is right now?  I found out that the head of my intelligence service is more incompetent than your idiot son.
Trump: Which one?
Putin: Junior.
Trump: Ouch.
Putin: That’s right.  And you think I’m worried about Twitter?
Trump: Well, I just thought that …
Putin: And if I was, do you think I would use your new platform?  One of my aides tried to sign up and he’s still waiting for confirmation 2 months later.
Trump: Yeah, I heard there were some problems, but I’ve got Junior, I mean Eric, working on it.
Putin: Donald, I wasn’t “knocked off Twitter,” I blocked Twitter.
Trump: Really, don’t you think some fiery tweets would help you out with your war in …, um …
Putin: [Interrupting] “Special Operation,” Donald, not a war.  And do you even know where it is?
Trump: Sure, it’s in … um … wait, don’t tell me.
Putin: I’ll give you a hint -- you were impeached for trying to bribe their President.
Trump: Oh yeah, the little Jewish guy.  Nah, it couldn’t be Israel.  Siberia?
Putin: Goodbye, Donald. [Dial tone]
Trump: Vlad, are you there?  He hung up.  I didn’t even get to tell him that Melania sends her best.
Junior: What did Uncle Vlad say, Dad?  Am I going to be heading up our Truth Social office in Russia?
Trump: Yeah, about that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea with the whole war thing right now.
Junior: What war?
Trump: The war in … um , I don’t know, why don’t you ask your brother?
Junior: I’m not sure where Eric is.
Trump: How about the other one, um … aw geez.
Junior: You mean Barron?
Trump: Why can't I remember his name.  Yeah, him, he’s always got his nose in his phone.  Maybe he saw something about a war.  

Marjorie Taylor Greene Gets A History Lesson

Palm Springs, Florida
February 10, 2022

Trump: Now Marjorie, you’re going to just have to let this pass.
MTG: But I’m just so mad at the lame lib media people who think they’re so smart.
Trump: Preaching to the choir.  Take away their fancy education and “fact-checkers” and “ethics” and who are they?
MTG: Yeah, stupid libs!  They’re always trying to make me look dumb.
Trump: [Chuckling] Well, Marjorie, that was a real humdinger.  I mean mixing up Gestapo and gazpacho. That’s worse than when I said that Frederick Douglas was alive, or when I said that George Washington had an air force, or when … 
MTG: [Interrupting] Or when you said people could inject bleach.
Trump: [Angry] Okay!  Stupid libs.  The point is, we all make mistakes.  Then we just deny we ever said it and move on.
MTG: But I’m not wrong.  I know the German secret police were the Gestapo, but what about the Italians?  
Trump:  The Italians?
MTG: That’s right, everybody forgets about the Italians.  They were friends with the Germans but they had their own police called the Gazpacho.
Trump: Did you read this somewhere?
MTG: [Chuckling]  As if.  This guy who used to come to our gym told me, and he was like super smart.  
Trump:  I hate to tell you this, dear, but this “smart guy” gave you some fake news.  The Italian secret police were called the mafia, or the "Costa Rica."  But don’t let Rudy hear you talking about them or it will set him off.
MTG: [Dejected] Could be.  And the guy had a great truck, too.  Stupid libs.
Barron:  [Enters] Dad, mom told me to tell you and the crazy lady that lunch is ready. [Exits]
Trump: [Embarrassed] Heh … crazy lady … um … cute kid, right?
MTG: You mean Barron?
Trump:  Barron?  Why can’t I ever remember his name?  Stupid libs!

Trump Royale

Palm Beach, FL
February 3, 2022

Trump: Melania, break out the good towels because royalty will be visiting soon!
Melania: Here, at Mar-a-Lago!  Oh boy, oh boy!  I can’t wait.  I can finally arrange a nice dinner without all those snooty Washington reporters around.
Trump: Actually, not here, but Trump Plaza in New York.
Melania: Who is it?  
Trump: Liz’s son.
Melania: Who’s Liz?
Trump: Queen Elizabeth of England.  Remember?  She said I could call her Liz.
Melania: I don’t remember that.
Trump: [Angrily] She said I could call her Liz.  Anyway, her son is coming and will be staying at Trump Plaza.
Melania: Prince Charles?
Trump: No, not Charles, another one.  Here’s his note: “Dear Donald, During your visit to Buckingham Palace you mentioned that I must stay at Trump Plaza if I am ever in the States.  As you may have heard, I am in a bit of a spot.  I was hoping that I could impose on your hospitality while I am in New York for that unpleasant business.  I would be forever in your debt.  Andrew Windsor.”
Melania: That doesn't sound like something you would say.  And I don't like the sound of that "unpleasant business." 
Trump: We’re not all models you know.  For a lot of us business doesn’t mean lying around a pool all day.  He probably has to sign a treaty or something with some shithole country at the UN.
Melania: Maybe you’re right.  So he will be staying in New York.
Trump: He’ll be in the presidential suite.
Melania: That’s like a whole floor!  Can he afford it?
Trump: Don’t bother your pretty little brain of yours with finances.  His mother’s the richest broad in the world.  If he can’t pay, she can.  And didn’t you hear that part about “I would be forever in your debt?”  Maybe she can just deed me all that land in Scotland so I don’t have to fight with some town council every time we need to change a faucet at our club.  Come on, why can’t you get excited about this?  I haven’t told you the best part.
Melania: Okay – what’s the best part?
Trump: While he’s there, I was thinking that President and Mrs. Trump travel up to New York to throw a little gala in Prince Andrew’s honor in New York?  I can already see the pictures in the Times.  This is just the kind of publicity the Trump brand needs right now.   
Melania: [Perking up] I can finally wear that tiara that your friend the Saudi prince gave to me.
Trump: And Duke can wear that little suit you had made up for him with all the gold buttons?
Melania: [Angrily] Who?
Trump: [Pauses] Duke, no wait, Earl…I mean …um…um…um…
Melania: Barron!  Our son’s name is Barron why can’t you remember that?
Trump: Okay, Barron.  Don’t get sore.  Just think: while Biden’s got his stomach all knotted up worrying about Ukraine and that Korean nut job, the press will have all these pictures of me smiling with Prince Andrew.  Who’s going to look like the world leader then?  I can hardly wait.
Ivanka: [Walking in] Can hardly wait for what?
Trump: Oh, hi kitten.  Guess what, we are going to be throwing a royal ball in New York.
Ivanka: Oh goody.  Is Queen Elizabeth coming?
Trump: Almost as good.  Her son?
Ivanka: Prince Charles?
Trump: No.
Ivanka: William?
Trump: No.  Which one was it again? [Reads note again]  Andrew.
Ivanka: Andrew?!  I don't think he's even a real prince any more.
Trump: No, kitten, you’re probably thinking about Diana’s kid, the one with the “exotic” wife.
Ivanka: [Pauses to think] Yeah, you might be right.
[All three walk out, trailed by two secret service agents]
Agent 1: [Whispering] Did the queen really say he could call her Liz? 
Agent 2: What do you think?

The Trump Succession

 

Palm Beach, Florida
January 24, 2022

RNC Official: President Trump, we at the RNC were so heartened to hear of your intention not to pursue re-election in 2024.  It’s a wise and magnanimous decision.
Trump: Magnani-what?
RNC Official: Moving right along, now that you have decided not to run, we think it would be beneficial if you were to get behind one of the many fine candidates out there ready to carry on the Trump legacy.  For example, right here in Florida, Governor …
Trump: That's a no brainer. Ivanka!
RNC Official: I’m sorry, sir. I assume you mean your daughter, Mrs. Kushner.  I agree 100% that she would make an awesome president, but, well, now that everyone knows your daughter tried to get you to stop the efforts to … um … intervene in the election certification on January 6, she might not appeal to the more … um … patriotic wing of the party.
Trump: That’s too bad, she’s such a bright kid.
RNC Official: So if Mrs. Kushner is ruled out, might I suggest that Senator Haw….
Trump: Then Junior.
RNC Official: Sir?
Trump: Don Junior.  Frankly, I don’t think he’s got as big a brain as his sister, but he is a chip off the old block.  Just don’t tell him I wanted his sister first.  He gets real sore about that.
RNC Official: Sir, the thing is, there seems to be a high probability that he is going to be indicted for tax fraud in New York.
Trump: What?  You mean that partisan witchhunt?
RNC Official: Sir, I wrote those press releases.  In fact, the evidence is pretty compelling. 
Trump: Eric?
RNC Official: The same thing.  But there are many fine candidates out there, President Trump.  Have you noticed how Minority Leader Mc….
Trump: Then I guess it will have to be Melania’s kid.
RNC Official: Barron?
Trump: Yeah.  Why can’t I ever remember his name?
RNC Official: What about Tiffany? [Under his breath]  God, what am I saying?
Trump: Tiffany?
RNC Official: Your daughter, sir.  Since you were going through your children, I noticed that you passed over your daughter Tiffany?
Trump: Are you sure she’s my daughter?
RNC Official: She was the issue of your marriage to the second Mrs. Trump.
Trump: Hard pass.  I guess that leaves, um, um, why can’t I remember his name?
RNC Official: Don’t you think that Barron would be a little young to run for president?
Trump: I’m not sure, it’s been a while since I’ve seen him.
RNC Official: He sat next to you at dinner last night.
Trump: That was Barron?!  I though he won a contest or something.  I guess he’s a nice kid but he is kind of young.  Do I have any other children?
RNC Official: Not officially, sir.  But as I have been trying to impress upon you, there are many fine ….
Trump: I really like Jared, but blood is blood.  And his blood is, well, you know.  So I guess I have no choice but to run again. [Stands up]
RNC Official: But sir, won’t you even look at this list of …
Trump: [Walking away] I have a tee time.  Lunch is on you, by the way -- and refills aren't free.
[Dials phone]
Voice: Well, who’s it going to be?
RNC Official: This is going to take longer than we thought.

Trump Never Saw The "Nuclear Football"

 

Washington, DC – September 21, 2021

Reporter: I was just reading in the new Bob Woodward book about how General Milley took extraordinary measures to keep President Trump from starting an international conflict.  I still can’t believe it.
NSC Aide: [Nonchalant] Yeah, I saw that.
Reporter: Aren’t you surprised?
NSC Aide Not really.
Reporter: Do you mean you knew about this?
NSC Aide: Not that, but I knew we did a pretty good job of keeping him under control.
Reporter: What else did you guys do?
NSC Aide: [Looks over shoulder] Okay, this is off the record, I mean way off the record.  Got it?
Reporter: Okay.
NSC Aide You know about the “nuclear football,” right?
Reporter: You mean the device with the controls to authorize a nuclear strike?  I’ve heard about it, but never seen it.
NSC Aide: Actually, the same goes for President Trump.
Reporter: What do you mean?  He was President of the United States.  It was by his side at all times.
NSC Aide: Nope.  We decided right away there was no way we were going to let this guy near the nuclear controls.  So we had to run a little ruse.
Reporter: Didn’t he want to see it?
NSC Aide: Are you kidding?  January 20, 2017, that was his first question after he took the oath: where’s the nuclear football?
Reporter: What did you show him?
NSC Aide: What do you think?  [Winks and strikes a ‘Heisman’ pose]
Reporter: No, not a real football?!
NSC Aide: A real football, signed by Roger Goodell.
Reporter: And he fell for it?
NSC Aide: Hook, line, and sinker.  He thought it was the neatest thing he ever saw.  Every time we got in the limousine it was, “I wanna see the football.”  He liked to play catch with it on Air Force One.
Reporter: And he never figured it out?
NSC Aide: He did get a little worried every time he dropped it or spilled Diet Coke on it, but we would just tell him “there’s a safeguard for that, sir,” and he’d go on playing.
Reporter: Where was the real device.
NSC Aide: We kept it with President Obama’s security detail, just in case.

Susan Collins Reflects

 Washington, DC – September 2, 2021

Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME), who was considered an important swing vote in the 2019 confirmation hearings for Brett Kavanaugh, claimed that during a private lunch meeting, Kavanaugh assured her that he considered Roe v. Wade to be established law.  Nonetheless, Kavanaugh voted with the conservative majority to clear the way for the oppressive Texas "heartbeat law" to be enacted.  This turn of events has caused Collins to reflect on that lunch meeting and consider if Kavanaugh may have misled her about anything else.

Her Eyes

"When we sat down he told me I the biggest brown eyes he’s ever seen.  I have had a lot of compliments about my eyes over the years, but still, the biggest he’s ever seen?"

The Forgotten Credit Card

"And I wonder if it was true when he said that he forgot his credit card and asked me to pick up the bill.  I laughed it off, but I was a little miffed at the time because I had the fruit salad with cottage cheese while he an open-faced steak sandwich and four non-alcoholic beers."

Non-Alcoholic Beer?

"Wait a second, I remember now that he winked at the waiter every time he said ‘non-alcoholic.’  He seemed like a regular – the waiter even called him B-Dog.  You know, it might have been between the third and fourth beer that I brought up Roe vs. Wade.  I should have realized that ‘Don’t sweat it, Suze’ wasn't a serious response to such an important judicial question. Wow, he even offered to drive me back to my office afterward."

"Oh well.  I guess I got played.  Not much I can do about now.  Anyway, it’s not like I’m going to be pregnant any time soon."