Another Gift From Vlad

White House – Washington, DC

December 10, 2019

Lavrov: Donald, President Putin wanted you to know that he didn’t forget you. [Hands a small gift]

Trump:  Oh, tell him he didn’t have to. [Excitedly unwraps package] Another tie bar!  Wow, this is even nicer than the last one.

Lavrov: He thought you would like it.

Trump:  Like it?  I love it!  What is this, titanium?

Lavrov: Something like that.  Also, Donald, I need to take the last tie bar that President Putin gave you [Reaches over and removes Trump’s tie bar]

Trump:  [Shocked] Hey, Sergey, what gives?  Can’t I keep that one too, as a memento?

Lavrov: Um … well, actually, Donald … um … President Putin is worried because these tie bars were recalled.  Yes, they were recalled because, they might be radioactive.

Trump:  Really?  That’s funny, because I thought I heard it buzzing some times.

Lavrov: See, I grabbed it just in time.  We – you, I mean you – won’t have to worry about that this new one making noise.  Now remember, Donald, President Putin requests that you wear this tie pin at all times.

Trump:  Of course.

Lavrov: For example, President Putin is pretty sure that you were not wearing your old pin when you were on the phone with President Zelensky last summer. 

Trump:  That’s right.  I was on my way to the course so I had already changed out of my suit.  Wow, it’s almost like Vlad was in the room with me!

Lavrov: Almost, Donald, almost.

Melania: What Does She Mean He's Not a Real Baron?

London

December 4, 2019

MT:  Donald!

DT:   Yes, sugar plum!

MT:  Don’t try with the sexy talk.  Did you hear what that lawyer lady said today?

DT:   You have to be more specific, baby, because I have to listen to ‘lawyer ladies’ all day long.

MT:  The one talking about the whole peachy thing.

DT:   Impeachment.

MT:  Yeah, that.  Well, did you hear what she said?

DT:   No, what?

MT:  [Plays tape of Professor Karlan] “…so while the president can name his son Barron, he can't make him a baron."

DT:   [Chuckles] Not bad.

MT:  Not bad?!  What does she mean you can’t make him a baron?  You told me he was a baron!

DT:   [Nervously] Now, pumpkin, I am pretty sure I told you he was ‘our little baron,’ or something like that.

MT:  No, you told me that you were so rich you could make our baby a baron.

DT:   But didn’t you notice the spelling was …

MT:  Are you calling me dumb?

DT:   No, no dear, of course.  Listen.  As long as we’re here in England, I’ll get the Queen to make him a baron.  I can tell she really likes me.  How about that?

MT:  Oh, could you?  That would be great, Donald.

DT:   No problem, I’ll just ring up my buddy Boris Johnson to see how this works.

MT:  Maybe she could make him a duke, or a prince?  Baron Barron Trump just sounds silly.

DT:   [In the background]  What do you mean Mr. Johnson will be busy until I am back in America?  Did you tell him this is urgent?

Trump Visits the Doctor

Walter Reed National Military Medical Center

Bethesda, MD

November 16, 2019

Trump:  Ouch.

Doctor:  How about here?

Trump:  Ouch!  God, even worse.

Doctor:  Okay, now how about here?

Trump:  Not too bad.  Well, doc, what is it?

Doctor:  You were right, Mr. President.  It’s the bone spurs.

Trump:  I knew it.  Everybody is always on me about how irritable I am.  I’d like to see them try to sit through some 2-hour briefing on some shithole country when – ouch!  Doc, what can you do for me?

Doctor:  We’ve been through this before, Mr. President.  The best thing you could do is lose weight.  That would take pressure off …

Trump:  Hold it right there.  We both know that’s not going to happen.  Isn’t there anything else?

Doctor:  A little rest might not hurt.  Can you cancel your appearances for a couple of days?

Trump:  I guess so.  But I’m sure that fake media will start rumors about how I had a stroke or something.

Doctor:  Mr. President, are you sure you don't want me to make an announcement about how serious your bone spurs are?

Trump:  Why bother?  No one believes that I couldn’t serve in Vietnam because of these blasted --- ouch!

Doctor:  As you wish, sir.  If only the people how brave you are.

Trump:  You could say that, again.  Sometimes, when they flare up really bad, I’m not even sure what I’m saying.

Trump: I Hate Ukraine

The West Wing

November 13, 2019

Aide: Sir, it looks like this problem is not going to go away like we had all hoped, so it is important that you master some basic details about Ukraine.

Trump: I still don't understand why we even have an embassy there.  It’s a fake country!  Vlad says that …

Aide: [Nervous laughter]  We have been over this, sir, President Putin’s input on Ukraine may not be entirely helpful ... or accurate.

Trump: Heh-heh, bet you wouldn’t him that to his face.

Aide: Be that as it may, sir, you seem to be fixated on the idea that Ukraine is part of Russia, so we have asked Professor Borissow, who is an expert on Russian-Ukrainian history, to try to clarify the matter.  Professor, please.

Professor: Well, President Trump, this is quite an honor.  You see, Ukraine’s historical relationship to Russia is very complicated.  For example, both Russians and Ukrainians claim Kiev to be their founding city. In 988 …

Trump: Bor-ing!  This is so boring!  Let’s speed things up, smart guy, aren’t Russians and Ukrainians the same?

Professor: No, sir.

Trump: You mean, they’re totally different?

Professor: No, sir.  Both Russians and Ukrainians are Slavic peoples.  They are …

Trump: Like Ivana?

Professor: [Smiles]  Very good, sir.  In fact, your former wife is also a Slav.

Trump: Russian or Ukrainian?

Professor: Neither, sir.  I believe your former wife is Czech.  Czechs are a different Slavic nation.  Similarly, the first lady is …

Trump: Melania is Ukrainian?

Professor: [Wipes brow] No, sir.  Mrs. Trump is Slovenian, which is another one of the Slavic nations.

Trump: [To aide]  This guy isn’t helping at all.  Couldn’t you just show me a map?

Aide: If you remember, sir, we tried that, but you just kept staring and repeating, “God, Russia is fucking huge.”

Trump: Okay, so you say that Ukraine is a real country.

Aide: Since 1990, sir.

Trump: Well, why don’t I have any hotels there?

Aide: Again, sir, I have no insights into your business decisions.

Trump: And why should I care about all this again?

Aide: [Shouting] Because … [Regains composure] Because, sir, the House of Representatives is opening impeachment proceedings against you on the basis of a telephone call that you had with the Ukrainian President.  Therefore, you need to know some basic information about …. Sir, please don’t walk out again!

Trump: [Hastily leaving room] I hate Ukraine!

Barron Trump Remembers Paper Due Monday

The White House

October 27, 2019

DT:  Son, why aren’t you ready to go to the game?  I told the staff to lay out your blue suit and red tie!

BT:  Gee, Dad, I don’t think I can make it.

DT:  What do you mean you can’t make it?  You don’t understand.  Today’s a big day because your Daddy killed a very bad man.  The crowd is going to go crazy when they see me … um, us, I mean, when they see us.

BT:  Way to go, Dad, killing that guy.  But I forgot that I had this important paper to write for tomorrow about, um, about … about how America is so much better than all those loser countries, or something like that.

DT:  Homework?  Don’t worry, I’ll just call …

BT:  No, Dad, please don’t yell at the teachers again.  I really wish I could go and see all the people cheering you [stifles giggle], it’s just that I have this paper to write on trees, or something.

DT:  Trees? I thought you said it was about how great America is.

BT:  See how much work I need to do?

DT:  Well, it’s too bad you can’t make it.

BT:  Dad? 

DT: Yes, son.

BT:  I’ll go to the game if you can answer one question.

DT:  Shoot.

BT:  What’s my name?

DT:  Are you kidding, Earl … I mean Duke … no, Barron.  That’s it, Barron, so …

BT:  [Turning on iPad]  Enjoy the game, Dad.

The Quid Pro Quo Effect: Latin Studies Flourish

Smallwood, Ohio

October 23, 2019

Edward F. O’Connor is back in business.  As the lone Latin instructor at the Smallwood Community College, O’Connor had seen enrollments drop to the point that officials warned his courses might be eliminated altogether.  But this year he has seen a surge in new students.  The reason?  “It’s quite clear.  These kids have heard the phrase ‘quid pro quo’ so often it got them wondering where it came from.  They all say that.“  The task now is to expand on this naïve curiosity.  “I can see I have my work cut out for me.  During the first class I started to explain the accusative case and just got blank stares.  Finally, one young man asked, is that why prosecutors use so much Latin, because they accuse people?”  Still, O’Connor remains confident that the future of the Latin program looks strong.  “I studied Latin intensely because I wanted to be a priest, so you could say that faith brought me to Latin and faith sustains me.  Besides, just think how much Latin will come up in the impeachment trial.”

Trump-Putin: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 3)

Washington-Moscow

October 11, 2019

TRUMP: Vlad? Are you there?

PUTIN: Yes, Donald.  What is it?

TRUMP: Well, Vlad – oh, by the way, have I ever told you how cool it that you let me call you ‘Vlad’?

PUTIN: Yes, Donald, every time we talk.  Now, what is it you want, Donald?

TRUMP: I’m so depressed, Vlad.  It looks like I am going to be impeached.  Do you think I should just resign and save myself all the trouble?

PUTIN: Resign?  Impeached?  Don’t be so negative.  This will pass, Donald, trust me.

TRUMP: Well, that’s the thing, Vlad.  You told me that I should investigate what Biden’s son did in Ukraine, so I did.  When I said it would look bad that I was using our diplomats to go after my political opponent, you said if I had Giuliani do it, no one would notice.  Then you told me I should go ahead and let Turkey move into Syria because Erdogan promised you he would not hurt the Kurds.

PUTIN: What is your point, Donald?

TRUMP: Well, Vlad, I don’t know how to say this, but you always tell me to me to trust you, yet it seems like all your advice has gotten me in hot water.  It might help if you told me what the plan is.  You just keep telling me to trust you.

PUTIN: I see.  Okay, Donald, what if I were to tell you that this was the plan all along.  That the whole reason our government devoted so many resources to getting you elected was because we thought you were so vain and incompetent that you would turn the USA into such a laughing stock that it would be years, maybe centuries before the USA would dare tell another country that it wasn’t democratic enough, or that it was too corrupt.

TRUMP: But, but, but …

PUTIN: PSYCHE!

[Both laugh]

TRUMP: Oh, Vlad.  You really had me going there. 

PUTIN: Now, let’s cut out all this talk about resigning.  We have great things to do.

TRUMP: Okay.  But, seriously, what is the end game?

PUTIN: You’ll have to trust me, Donald.