Casey to Resign from Senate over Farah Fawcett poster

Senator Bob Casey (D-PA) sent shockwaves through Washington when his office issued the following statement on Monday:

It is with great shame and humility that I acknowledge that when I was a college undergraduate I had a poster of Farrah Fawcett on my wall -- the one in the red bathing suit.  I wish I could say that I purchased the poster to honor Ms. Fawcett’s talent as an actress, or to celebrate the woman-affirming energy she brought to her role on Charlie’s Angels.  But I must be honest: I saw the poster primarily as an object of my unreasonable expectations of what a sexually attractive woman should look like.  Moreover, when male friends visited my room I sometimes invited them to focus and comment on particular body parts and to speculate what they might do if Ms. Fawcett were to invite them into her bedroom.

Since then, I have tried to be a stalwart voice for women’s rights and empowerment, but I now realize that my past makes it impossible for me to continue in that role.  Therefore, I immediately announce my resignation from the United States Senate.  I will continue to try to make amends for my past transgressions.

Asked to comment on Casey’s resignation, Senator Claire McCaskill (D-MO) replied, “Really?  A poster?  What’s the big deal?”

Shocker! Donald Trump Jr. is actually son of Vladimir Putin

In a stunning turn of developments, Special Counsel Robert Mueller announced today that his office's investigation has uncovered that the person we have come to know as Donald Trump, Jr., the eldest son of President Donald Trump, is actually the son of Russian President Vladimir Putin.  "This was a decades old plot hatched in the old Soviet Union.  Putin's child was inserted into the Trump household soon after birth."

Reporter: How did you ever learn this?
Mueller: Something always bothered us about that infamous meeting with the Russian attorney.  Manafort is sure that he hear Trump Jr. tell her as he was walking out, 'Tell Papa I'm ready to come home.'  We spent a lot of time trying to figure out what this could mean.  Once we decided it wasn't a code, it was just some good old detective work.
Reporter: But this is unbelievable, how did they manage to convince President Trump that this baby was his?  Was he in on it?  Was Ivana Trump part of the plot?
Mueller: We haven't worked out all the details, but we have DNA evidence that Vladimir Putin and the man we have known as Donald Trump, Jr., are father and son.
Reporter: Are you saying you got Putin's DNA?  How did you pull that off?
Mueller: Let's just say that you don't spend so much time with no shirt on without leaving some DNA around.

At her daily press briefing, White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders downplayed the impact of the news.  "The American people are tired of hearing about Russia this and Russia that.  They're more concerned with getting a tax break and building a wall on the US-Mexican border."

Reporter: Does the President acknowledge the veracity of the story?
Sanders: President Trump does not dispute the DNA evidence.
Reporter: And this is the first he knew of this?
Sanders: That's right.
Reporter: So wouldn't that mean that one day somebody pushed a baby in front of him and said it was his and he believed it?  Wouldn't he have noticed that his wife was never pregnant, then suddenly had a child?
Sanders: The American people did not elect Donald Trump by an historic margin because he's an attentive husband, or father, or president.   No more questions!

Hidden Assets Surrounded by "Big Water"

Responding to allegations that some of his Cabinet members and advisors avoided paying their fair share of taxes by moving assets to secret offshore accounts, President Donald Trump echoed the language he used to defend his administration's hurricane relief efforts in Puerto Rico:  "Those assets are on islands surrounded by water, big water, ocean water.  At least I think so."  Pressed on why that should matter the President explained, "I'm not sure mail can be delivered to some of these places, so how can they pay taxes when they never get the bill?"  Being informed that most of these tax havens -- Bermuda, for example -- do receive mail did not seem to sway the President:  "Okay, let's say they got the bill.  Then they would have to ship all that money, which would probably cost more than the taxes they owed, it just doesn't make any sense."  Mr. Trump ignored followup questions on his dubious math or on why the money could not be wired.  He added:  "I think the American people are more concerned with Mexicans stealing American jobs than they are with some smart businessmen looking for banks that pay the best interest with free checking."

Brazile: Not THAT Clinton!

Former Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Donna Brazile found herself at the center of a firestorm when stories circulated that she had seriously considered replacing Hillary Clinton with Vice President Joe Biden as the Democratic Party's standard bearer in the 2016 election:

-  I don't know how these rumors get started, but that thought never entered my mind.  My plan was for Joe Biden to replace Bill Clinton.
-  Wife-swapping?
-  No, that would be sexist.  I prefer "spouse-swapping."
-  Really?  Could you get way with that?
-  Hey, remember who the Republicans nominated?  I think we could have gotten away with it.
-  But why?
-  After that tape came out with Trump bragging about -- well, you know -- we saw that we weren't getting as big a jump with women as we expected.  Whenever we would bring it up, Trump would bring up Bill Clinton.  Look, I love Bill Clinton, but he was becoming an albatross.  But Joe Biden?  Women loved him.
-  So how far did this go?
-  Not very far.  I sat down with the Clintons to sound them out.
-  And?
-  President Clinton got out his phone and started to dial when Ambassador Clinton said, "Bill, we're not doing this!"  I thought I noticed a grimace, but then he just smiled and said, "Of course not, pumpkin, you're my girl.  Yup, you're my girl."  Then he accidentally dropped and smashed his phone.
-  Did the Bidens ever catch wind of this?
-  I never mentioned it to them, but they might have heard rumors.  The next time I saw them I walked over to say hello but Mrs. Biden summoned her Secret Service detail and had me escorted out.

"Don" Trump

White House staffers report that they have noted a marked shift in President Donald Trump’s viewing habits recently:

-      He hardly tunes in to Fox News any more.  He used to be glued to that channel for hours.

-      That’s good, right?  I mean, he must be getting other sources of information now.

-      Not really.  He hardly watches any news at all.

-      What do you mean?  Is he actually reading up on policy?

-      Heh, good one.  No, now he spends hours at a time watching The Godfather.

-      The Godfather?  Really?  That’s a pretty deep film.  And long.  It’s hard to imagine him sitting through the whole trilogy.

-      He doesn’t sit through the whole trilogy.  He just watches certain scenes over and over, like the baptism scene from Part 1, where Michael wipes out all his rivals.  He really likes that one..  Every time you think to yourself, this has to be it. But then he says, “one more time.”

-      What’s the point though?  Does he like the Al Pacino that much?    

-      It’s hard to tell.  Most of the time he he just leans forward and glares.  But that’s not so unusual.  One time though, when he was watching the scene in Part 2 where Tom tells Michael that he can't kill everybody, the President just shook his head and muttered, "You just can't trust people, right, Michael?"  

Russia? I thought you said Prussia!

U.S. President Donald Trump explained that his increasingly implausible denial of cooperation between his campaign and Russian state actors was the result of a misunderstanding.  "I swear, every time someone asked me about Russian interference in the campaign, I thought they were saying Prussian interference.  I mean, Prussia hasn't existed for like a thousand years, so of course I said it was ridiculous."  [Editor's note: Prussia ceased to exist as an sovereign state in 1871.]  When asked to clarify his ties with Russia, Trump responded, "See this? [pointing to his left pinkie]  This is about the only part of me not owned by or mortgaged to some Russian.  I can't take a crap without asking for Putin's permission."  Pressed further on whether there was a quid pro quo in which the Russians provided assistance in expectations of concessions from a Trump administration, Trump replied, "Are you kidding?  It's not as if I tried to hide it." 

Father of the Year

G20 Summit

Hamburg, Germany

July 7, 1017

IK:       Daddy

DT:      Yes, pumpkin.

IK:       Do you remember 1994?

DT:      Sure.

IK:       And do you remember ...?

DT:      Sweetheart, listen.  I have a lot of important meetings today, so maybe you could get to the point. 

IK:       Okay, it was April 1994, "Take Your Daughter To Work Day."  You were supposed to take me to a staff meeting where you were going to let me fire someone, but your wife at the time, wanted to go to Las Vegas, so that was that.

DT:      Yeah, I kind of remember that, but didn't I ... I thought I ... I made it up to you, right?

IK:       What you said was, "Some day, sweetheart I'll make it up to you, anything you want?"

DT:      Are you sure I never ...

IK:       Here's the deal.  I know you have that Partnership with Africa meeting coming up.

DT:      Yeah, can't wait. So?

IK:       I want to sit in your chair!

DT:      What? 

IK:       All you have to do is say you were busy for a minute.  But I just want to sit in your chair.  Long enough for them to take pictures.  Do you sit next to Trudeau?  Please tell me it isn't that Indian troll.

DT:      Honey.  How's this going to look?  I mean, people are already talking about how you're getting special treatment.

IK:       So now you're worried about what people are saying.  Look, Daddy, you owe me.  Either I get to sit in that chair or I swear I'll tell everyone about ...

DT:      Okay.  You win.  Five minutes, that's it.

IK:       Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!