Trump Vows to Fight Bone Spurs

White House Press Room

September 4, 2020

With great fanfare the Trump Administration surprised the assembled media at Friday's press conference by announcing a new $130 million initiative to combat bone spurs.  

McEnany: This is an issue that President Trump feels very strongly about.  With this money, the leading experts will be able to investigate new treatment options, but also study the causes.  The ultimate goal is a cure.  

Reporter:  But Kaileigh, the causes of bone spurs are pretty well known and the symptoms are usually minor and can be treated easily.  In fact, bone spurs are not really a disease that can be cured. 

McEnany:  There is debate in the medical community on these questions, but it is the consensus of the Bone Spurs Task Force the President has assembled that an influx of resources now could be decisive.

Reporter:  Wait, the "Bone Spurs Task Force"?  When was this formed?  Who is on it?

McEnany:  It's still a work in progress, but let's just say Dr. Fauci is really enthusiastic about his new role.

Reporter:  Kaileigh, this sounds like a rather cynical effort to deflect attention from the President's failure to address the coronavirus, not to mention providing legitimacy to his own embarrassing draft deferment.

McEnany:   Cynical?  Nothing could be further from the truth.  President Trump would like those who live with this affliction to know that he is on their side.  Thankfully, all of his children have tested negative.  But he will not rest until no parent has deliver that fateful news, 'son, you're ineligible for military service because of bone spurs.' 

With that, McEnany turned and left the podium as the journalists shouted questions about medical research spending priorities, what it means to test negative for bone spurs, and plans to reinstate the draft.

Trump-Putin: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 6)

Washington-Moscow

August 11, 2020

Trump:  Vlad?  Are you there?

Putin:  Yes, Donald.

Trump:  Hi Vlad – and by the way, I just want to say again how cool it is that you let me call you Vlad.

Putin:  Yes, yes, I know.  Now what do you need?

Trump:  [Haltingly] Well, Vlad, I’m not sure quite how to bring this up but …

Putin:  What is it, Donald?  What has happened to you?  Where is that Donald Trump who always knew what he wanted?

Trump:  It’s just that, that announcement that you guys are coming out with a COVID vaccine without testing it kind of threw me for a loop.  When I told you that I didn’t mind if you spied on our labs, I thought you said not to worry because it would be months before you could test a new vaccine.  But now …

Putin:  I don’t remember saying that Donald.  I have heard some people say that your memory might be failing.  Could it be …

Trump:  No, don’t listen to those stories.  I may have just heard you wrong. 

Putin:  But you are my friend and I want to be 100% certain.  Maybe someone else listened in on the call?  Or maybe there is a recording? 

Trump:  Of course, not.  Not after that whole Ukraine thing.  I called you on a burner phone, just like you recommended. 

Putin: You will have to trust me, Donald.  Do you trust me, Donald?

Trump:  Don’t insult me, Vlad.  Of course, I trust you. 

Putin:  Good, because what I said was that you need to look out because those liberal doctors who are advising you are going to try to tell you that you cannot release your vaccine until after months of testing.

Trump:  Really?  Well, you were about that.  Sorry, Vlad, I wish I remembered it better. 

Putin:  Next you’ll be telling me that you forgot about your promise to tell me your secret nuclear codes.

Trump:  [Silence]

Putin:  PSYCH!

[Both laugh]

Trump:  Oh, Vlad!  I’m crying hear from laughing so hard.  Anyway, I have a tee time.  Melania sends her best.

Putin:  I know that, Donald.  [Line goes dead.  Putin turns to aide]  It almost worked.  Next time.

How The GOP Sees Fauci

Fauci:  Okay, let’s get this Zoom meeting going. Once again, for security reasons, no names and no video.  I’ll just take roll by organization.  Okay, is there anyone here from the Chinese government?
China: Here
Fauci:  Al Qaeda?
Al Qaeda: Here
Fauci:  Black Lives Matter?
BLM: Yo, Anthony!
Fauci:  Yo, yourself.  MS-13?
MS-13:  Here
Fauci:  CNN?
CNN:  Here
Fauci:  World Zionist Council?
Zionist:  Here
Fauci:  Global GLBQT Alliance
GLBQT:  Here.  Once again, Dr. Fauci, we must object to the composition of this group [silence]
Fauci:  Sorry to have to mute you – again – but we do not have a lot of time.  Before we move on to our latest progress reports, I must once again express our gratitude to the Chinese government.  I don’t think the rest of you can quite understand just what an amazing feat it was to engineer a virus that would affect one country so disproportionately.
China:  Well, we couldn’t have done it without all that environmental and public health data you provided to us.
BLM:  Hey, what did you mean when you said the rest of us wouldn’t understand?  Are you calling us dumb?
Fauci:  Far from it.  And we are also grateful to our friends at BLM.  Just when it looked like the sense of crisis in the US was waning, you revved it up again with all those protests.
CNN:  Ahem.
Fauci:  Okay, CNN, and you did a great job exaggerating the problem and undermining trust in President Trump.  Listen, we’ll never get anywhere if everyone keeps looking for credit.  Let’s agree we’ve all done a great job.  Now, then, we’ve had another great week.  The virus keeps spreading so widely that even Republican governors have started mandating masks.  This is proof on how it is possible to dismantle the framework of US constitutional rights. Pretty soon.  The US government will start to administer a vaccine our Chinese friends developed that will cripple any remaining freedom-loving instincts.  Just think, after that millions of Americans will abandon their churches and throw away their guns.  It will be just like, like, …
CNN:  Canada?
😂😂😂😂😂
Al Qaeda:  But Anthony, I thought US companies were manufacturing the vaccine?
China:  I’ll take that one.  Let’s just say that Anthony has been a great help over the years getting our people visas and grants to “perform research” in the US.  This vaccine might has well have been manufactured in Beijing.
Fauci:  And I want to thank our friends at CNN for not reporting this, even though they’ve been aware of it for years.
MS-13:  Be sure you let us know when it’s safe to invade.  I can’t wait to find that guy in Brentwood whose lawn I used to mow and tell him “¡Tú estás en California.  Habla español, motherfucker!”
Fauci:  Heh-heh-heh, have no worries, amigo.  Now, we haven’t heard anything from our Al Qaeda or Zionist friends.  Our plan will not work if you do not stick to our agreement: Al Qaeda will control the Justice Department and the Global Zionist League will control the Treasury Department in the new Global government, agreed?
Al Qaeda: …. Okay
Zionist: …. Okay
Fauci:  And while I’m not going to take you off mute, I just want to reassure the Global GLBQT Alliance that you will control the Education Department.
Zionist:  Anthony, I’m curious.  You seem to have achieved a secure position in constitutional, Jesus-loving America.  Why are you doing this?
Fauci:  Are you kidding?  I’m a scientist.  We can’t stand seeing a society based on the idea of free individuals making key life decisions.  That’s why I have made it my life’s mission to destroy it.
👍👍👍👍👍👍
Okay, that wraps up today’s meeting.  After CNN plants a few fake stories about President Trump’s head supposed ignorance of the virus we should be in great shape to move on to our next phase.  

Trump: What Do You Mean There Won't Be A Convention?

Washington, DC 

July 25, 2020

Kushner: So no one has told him yet?

Pence: Hear that laughing?  What do you think?

Kushner: Okay, I guess there’s no putting this off, but …

Pence: Get in there!  This was your bright idea so you have to take your medicine.

[Kushner enters Oval Office]

Trump: Hi Jared!  How are those grandchildren of mine?  What are those names again?  Um, Barron?  Oh, right, Melania’s kid.

Kushner: Great catch, sir.  No wonder you aced that IQ test.

Trump: You see!  I don’t know why no one believes it.

Kushner: Well, sir, there’s something else we need to talk about.

Trump: What’s that? 

Kushner: The convention.

Trump: I’ve gotta hand it to you, kiddo, that was a great idea pretending to call off the convention.  I can’t wait to see the looks on those reporters faces when we announce that the convention is back on with no masks, no rules … 

Kushner: [Trying to interrupt] Sir … 

Trump: …like you said, when all my supporters hear this they’ll all rush to Jacksonville.  It’ll be electric.

Kushner: [Louder] SIR …

Trump: And Fauci!  That little weasel.  I’ll bet he has a heart attack on the spot.

Kushner: [Screaming] SIR!

Trump: Jared, you’re all red.  What’s wrong?  [Recoils in fright] Wait you don’t have that virus do you?

Kushner: [Catches breath] No, sir.  It’s just that there isn’t going to be a convention.

Trump: What?  Wait, what do you mean no convention?  You said that announcement was all a scam to throw off the press.  Were you lying, Jared?

Kushner: [Stammers] Um, um … oh, no sir.  Not me.  If you remember – and we all know what a great memory you have – we said that it all depended on the infection numbers in Florida, and, well, I’m afraid that they do not look good.  Our experts – NOT Dr. Fauci – advised that it would be too dangerous to hold the convention.

Trump: [Crestfallen] Ah, geez.  This is a real letdown.  

Kushner: Sir, maybe it would make you feel better if you dispatched DHS agents to another city to beat up some protestors?

Trump: Nah.  Well, ask me later.  Oh, one more thing, Jared.

Kushner: Yes, sir.

Trump: Remember how you told me that all those polls that show me losing to Sleepy Joe by a mile were all fake?  That was true, right?

Kushner: Um...um...um sorry, sir, I just remembered that Vice President Pence needs me.  [Sprints from room]

White House on COVID Deaths: "They're Only Dying to Hurt the President"

White House Briefing Room

July 17, 2020

Reporter:  Kayleigh, for weeks the White House has been saying that we should not be alarmed about the rising number of COVID cases because the number of deaths is dropping.  But this week the number of deaths has started to rise noticeably.   Has this caused you to reevaluate your position?

McEnany:  We are aware that some of these figures look bad, which is why the President ordered all the data come through the White House this week.

Reporter:  And what have you learned so far?

McEnany:  We stand by our position that the pandemic is under control.  We are convinced that these people dying are only trying to embarrass the President.

Reporter:  [Gasps in the room]  How could you say that?

McEnany:  Well, we looked at the backgrounds of a few random victims yesterday.  Example A: Ms. Brenda Jones of Flagstaff, AZ.  On the face of it, she was just a 63-year old grandmother who liked baking cookies for her grandchildren, but when we delved into her social media history we saw that over the years she has “liked” posts on Earth Day, Cinco de Mayo, and Oprah Winfrey.  It’s clear that she hated Donald Trump – until yesterday, at any rate.

Reporter:  But …

McEnany:  [Interrupts] Then there’s Arthur Smith of Clear Springs, TN.  Just a 47-year old meatpacker unfortunate enough to die from COVID, right?  Not so fast.  His obituary notes that he was a lifelong union member.  Do I need to draw you a picture?

[Silence] ... Come on! He was a labor radical, possibly an Antifa activist, who was ready to do anything to hurt President Trump’s electoral chances.

Reporter:  Are you saying these people are being infected on purpose too?

McEnany:  That’s something we are looking into.  We are also looking into whether George Soros is behind this satanic plot.  But we think it's plain to see that they are choosing to die.  That's what you should be reporting.

Reporter:  Could you draw us a picture on how this is plain to see?

McEnany:  Through his leadership, President Trump has created national stockpiles of hydroxychloroquine and remdesivir, the only two known cures for COVID-19, thus paving the way to restart the economy and reopen our schools.  So the only possible explanation for anyone dying from the virus in July 2020 is that they are refusing these life-saving treatments.

Reporter:  But didn’t Dr. Fauci say that neither of these are a cure?

McEnany:  What day is it?

Reporter:  Friday, why do you ask?

McEnany:  [Looks over paper] Actually, we don’t care what Dr. Fauci says on Fridays.  Check with me again on Monday.

NRA: We Need a Good Ol' Mass Shooting

Fairfax, Virgina

In the empty offices of the National Rifle Association (NRA) in Fairfax, VA, a high-ranking official sat down to discuss a peculiar implication of the COVID pandemic.

NRA: There are no more mass shootings!

Reporter: Isn’t that a good thing?

NRA: Well, I guess some of the fruit juice drinkers are happy about it, but it hasn’t been great for the NRA.

Reporter: How so?

NRA: Look around here.  You might get the idea everyone is working from home.  Fact is, we had to cut back on staff.  Most of those we had to let go were on our Incident Response Team.  No incidents, so no response. 

Reporter: So you want a mass shooting?

NRA: It would be really nice if we could bring some of those folks back.  Besides, we what would be better than some gruesome images of bullet-shattered corpses take our minds off all the depressing news about the pandemic.  We were hoping for there would be more shooting in those Black fellas’ protests, but they just broke a few windows.

Reporter: I guess you need to just sit tight and wait.

NRA: Well, obviously, we can’t just send anyone out to mow down dozens of citizens, that would probably … okay, definitely involve some criminal liability on our part.  But you may have noticed that there seem to be a lot of big crowds in many of the same regions that coincidentally have a lot of serious 2^nd Amendment defenders.  So, we’re keeping our fingers crossed that the right person gets cut off in the parking lot, or thinks someone bumped into his girlfriend, and before you know it – BAM – we’re back in business.

Reporter: I suppose you are pushing for schools to reopen, because nothing gets more attention than …

NRA: [Interrupts] Oh my, God.  Why didn’t I think of that?  Sorry, gotta make a few calls.

More Mary Trump Revelations

Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World’s Most Dangerous Man, the explosive memoir by Donald Trump’s niece Mary, has captured the world’s attention.  Most of the media interest has focused on the Trump family’s secretive finances and the president’s political development.  But in a recent interview, the author mentioned some other revelations about Donald Trump that we may have missed.

Has really smelly feet: Smelly doesn’t begin to describe it.  When he took his shoes off indoors the dogs would start howling.  I’m not sure if he actually had bone spurs, but something tells me that podiatrist would have been willing to write anything just to get him to put his shoes back on. 

Can’t pronounce croquet: I remember when we were all at our grandparents when Uncle Donald says, ‘hey kids, wanna play some croquette?’  I had to punch my brother to keep him from laughing.  I thought he might be joking, so the next time we were over there I said, ‘hey Uncle Don, how about some croquette?’ to see if he would laugh.  But he just went and got the mallets.  When we were done he said, “gee, you kids sure love croquette.”  My brother and I laughed for a whole hour.  Of course, he cheated.

Did we mention his smelly feet: One time we were at the pool … you know, outside … in the sun, when Uncle Donald comes out with a date.  You should have heard her scream when he took his shoes off.  ‘Oh my God, Donald.  What’s that stink?’  We never saw her again.

Doesn’t know how to score bowling: Bowling was really big in Queens back then.  For some reason, Uncle Donald never bowled but always insisted on keeping score, even though he didn’t have a clue about how to score a strike or a spare.  I remember once when Aunt Elizabeth was ready to rip his hair after she bowled the game of her life and he tallied her score at 73.”

A really cheap tipper: “Okay, no surprise there, right?”