Greenland Explained

White House

August 15, 2019

Aide: Sir, I have some upsetting news.  There is some disturbing data that indicates we might be in trouble with the economy.

Trump: Oh, that inverse yield thing?  Don’t worry I have a plan.

Aide: [Relieved] Oh, thank God.  Some of us were afraid that you thought those tax cuts and the Trade War with China were actually going to work.

Trump: [Testily] They are going to work, they just need time.

Aide: That’s the spirit, sir [Feigning enthusiasm].  Now tell me all about this plan.

Trump:  Okay, maybe I don’t know all the ins and outs of these budget things, but if there’s one thing I know its real estate.  [Yells out to person in back of room] What’s the name of that place we fly over all the time?

Voice: Greenland!

Trump: That’s right, Greenland.  How about this?  We buy Greenland.

Aide: [Incredulous] Buy Greenland? 

Trump: You heard me, we buy Greenland. 

Aide: I … I … I … I am afraid I do not understand the plan, sir.  But I’m sure it’s brilliant.

Trump: This is what I learned as a businessman.  Just when the numbers start to look sour, I always made this big splashy purchase.  I talk it up, about how this shows we’re on the rebound, how this hotel or casino is going to be a big money-maker, then this gives me time to cash out before we have to declare bankruptcy.

Aide: [Slowly] Declare bankruptcy, sir?

Trump: Brilliant, huh?

Aide: Sir, we have been through this before, as President of the United States, you control the nation’s finances but do not profit personally.  There is no “cashing out.”  And the United States of America cannot just declare bankruptcy.  It would surely set off a world-wide depression.

Trump: No cashing out?

Aide: No, sir.

Trump: Okay, well I also have a …, what’s it called?  Oh yeah, a Plan B.

Aide: [Relieved] I knew it, sir.  What is the Plan B?

Trump: Get Mnuchin and Kudlow on all the squawk shows this weekend to say this data is all fake news and how I won’t let the economy tank.

Trump Accidently Accuses Himself of Epstein Murder

The White House
August 15, 2019

Aide:  What's so funny, sir?

Trump:  Look at this article I just tweeted.  Heh-heh-heh.

Aide: [Reads linked article quickly – looks up with alarm]  Sir?  Did you show this to Mr. Kushner first?

Trump:  Jared?  No.  I’m not sure where he is.  Why what’s the problem?  See: “Who Killed Jeff?”  This ought to keep Bill and Hillary up at night.

Aide:  Did you read the article?

Trump:  Yeah, sure.  Well, not the whole thing – but I read where it says how Bill Clinton and Epstein were great pals.

Aide:  That it does, sir.  But if you read at the end: “But the most likely suspect has to be the person who, as the nation’s chief executive, controls the Federal prison where Epstein met his mysterious demise.”

Trump: And?

Aide:  Sir, that’s you.  We’ve been over this – chief executive is another way of saying President.  They’re talking about you!  They’re accusing you of killing Jeff Epstein.

Trump: Geez, I guess that’s why I’m getting all those “likes.”

Trump Claims Immunity from Background Checks

White House

August 9, 2019

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

The White House would like to clarify President Trump’s remarks from earlier today that requiring background checks for purchases of assault rifles might be appropriate given these weapons’ destructive potential.  This requirement was not meant to apply to candidates for our nation’s highest office, which brings with it not only command of the United States’ armed forces but the ability to launch a nuclear strike.  The White House calls your attention to the key difference that while an individual citizen will only be guided by his own faculties in the deployment of an assault rifle, the President of the United States has access to advisers whose expertise has been verified by the national security community or Fox News before he presses “the button.”  Therefore, the White House calls on the press corps to cease its fruitless efforts to question the President’s fitness for office and leave all “background checks” to the opioid-addled citizenry, as called for in the Constitution.

Trump Visits Protest Victims at NRA Headquarters

August 8, 2019

Fairfax, VA

Under tight security, President Donald Trump traveled to NRA Headquarters in Fairfax, VA, to console employees who earlier in the week endured abusive chants from anti-gun violence protesters.  And the President heard an earful.

“It was awful.  You should have seen the signs they were carrying.  Calling us murderers and terrorists.  And the images.  I can’t sleep.”

“It’s as if those wackos don’t know anything about all the good work we’re doing to keep people safe.  Why just week we sent 3,000 bulletproof backpacks to minority school districts.  Does that sound like something a murderer would do?”

When asked who was behind the protests, NRA employees were in surprising agreement:

“Mexicans.  Definitely the Mexicans.  They’ve already sent so many illegals over here, but they figure that once they take away our guns, they’ll be able to empty out their country.  I don't understand why because I had a great time in Cabo last year.”

The White House issued a brief statement after the visit:

“President Trump was honored to meet with these brave Americans who are on the front lines of the fight to preserve the freedom of real Americans.  He plans to sign an executive order banning protests within a1-mile perimeter of non-profit organizations dedicated to the preservation of unrestricted private gun ownership.”

Trump to Catch Mueller Testimony in North Korea

Washington, DC

July 23, 2019

An anonymous source at the White House confirmed that President Donald Trump will be making a surprise visit to North Korea on July 24.  The same source would not confirm any connection between the surprise visit and the Congressional testimony of former Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller scheduled for that day.  “What?  No!  President Trump and Chairman Kim have just developed such a close rapport that during their last visit Chairman Kim told the President he could ‘stop by whenever he wanted.’  The President thought it would be rude not to take him up on it.”

Meanwhile, in Pyongyang …

Kim:  What do you mean he’s coming tomorrow?

Aide: Well, most esteemed Chairman, you did say …

Kim:  I know what I said!  It’s an expression. I never thought he would take it seriously.  I have raquetball tomorrow!

Aide:  I am sorry of the unfortunate news, most esteemed Chairman.  Also, apparently the President is in some kind of trouble at home so he may need to stay for a while.

Kim:  A while?  How long?

Aide:  Mr. Kushner was not clear, most esteemed Chairman, but he did ask if there are any golf courses in North Korea.

Ivana Trump Deported to Guatemala

In a shocking development, Ivana Trump, the first wife of Donald Trump, was taken into custody by Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents on Sunday and immediately deported to Guatemala, despite the fact that she has been a US citizen since 1988 and was born in Czechoslovakia, not Guatemala, not to mention the fact that she is the ex-wife of the President of the United States.  When asked why Ms. Trump was delivered to Guatemala, an ICE spokesman responded, “We just happened to have a plane heading for Guatemala that day.  Deportee Trump is free to travel to any destination of her choice, as long as it is not within the borders of the United States of America.”

In a hastily convened press conference at the international airport in Guatemala City, Mrs. Trump described the chaotic scene:  “It was crazy.  I just caught a ‘Living with the Kardashians’ episode on the DVR when all these armed men burst in and started yelling at me in Spanish.  I tried calling Donald, but he just said ‘Sorry, senorita, no speako the lingo’ and hung up.”

Speaking off the record, a White House official provided more background to the story:

“This came straight from the FLOTUS.”

“Melania Trump?  How can that be?”

“You don’t hear about her much, but she has sharp elbows, not to mention … well, you know.”

“But why?  What does she hope to accomplish with this?”

“She reads the papers.  She has seen all the President's racist tweets and all the blowback about sending her “back to where she came from.”  She’s hoping that deporting one of the President’s foreign wives will take the heat off until this all blows over.”

“Does she really think this is going to blow over?”

“Are you kidding?  Do you remember Charlottesville?”

Refugees to be Bused in to Pad Trump Crowd

Washington, DC

July 4, 2019

White House officials are remaining tight-lipped about rumors that detained Central American refugees are being transported en masse to Washington, DC, to give the appearance of a large crowd for President Donald Trump’s controversial “Salute to America” speech on the Mall.  An ICE official, speaking off the record, confirmed the operation.

  -  When we got the word we were in a panic, but the guy at the White House said that they can’t drum up any enthusiasm for the event.  State RNCs couldn’t give away tickets that included all-expense paid trips!  So some smart guy thought, ‘Hey, as long as we have tens of thousands of people locked up …’

  -  So are tens of thousands of immigrants are on their way?

  -  That’s classified.

  -  But won’t thousands of Hispanics look a bit suspicious in the crowd?

  -  We plan to give them all MAGA hats with extra long bills and huge American flags.

  -  Aren’t you worried that they are all going to escape?

  - [Wipes forehead.] Yup, you could say that is a concern.  The plan is to cordon off several areas with electronic fences.  And don't forget the tanks.  [Nervous laughter]  But we’re still spitballing ideas.

  -  And how do the refugees feel about this?  Are they really going to cheer the man who has separated them from their children and held them in decrepit conditions?

  -  Some seemed a little suspicious that when we supplied them with toilet paper for the first time in weeks, but we are hoping that when they all get their plain hot dog and 6-ounce cup of Coke that they will feel ready to let out a whoop.