Source: Trump thought Kim was 'some Asian chick'

An anonymous White House aide reports that President Trump is privately fuming, having just learned that Kim Jong-Un is not a woman after the historic meeting with the North Korean leader was announced.

-        But this is incredible!  How could this have happened?

-        When the overture came from the South Koreans there was no one here with a high enough clearance to read and explain it to him, so he had to read it for himself.  His take was that a woman -- sorry, 'Asian chick,' named Kim wanted to hook up.  So he called his staff in and announced with a big smile, 'I'm going to see Kim!'  The press office thought we should run with it so there would be one day where lead story did not mention 'Mueller' or 'Stormy.'  By then it was too late.

-        How is it possible that he doesn't know the name of the North Korean leader? 

-        How is it possible? Why do you think he came up with 'Rocket Man'?  He could never remember his name.

-        Listen, I know he's, well, limited, but is he really that bad with names?

-        Are you kidding?  He still calls Eric and Barron 'champ.'

-        A lot is riding on this meeting.  Our allies there hope that we can come to some kind of understanding that will guarantee long-term security in the region.  Is the President going to be ready?

-        It's hard to say, but up until yesterday his main concern was how this would look to Melania.

Daylight Savings Mayhem

Across the country, rescue crews and emergency rooms were stretched to the limit trying to handle the rash of accidents and mishaps caused by daylight savings time-induced sleep disorder, a recently discovered condition whereby the mere mention of the words "daylight savings time" evokes a Pavlovian response in sufferers.  Waiting for his Nissan Stanza to be towed from a ditch near the George Washington Parkway in McLean, VA, 42-year old Russ Westhaven recalled, "I was on my way to church, feeling a little bit drowsy, when they mentioned daylight savings time on the radio and -- Boom! -- I was out like a light.  Next thing I knew, I my car was wedged between two spruce trees."  Westhaven added, "It's funny, last week I had to get up an hour early for a meeting and it was no big deal.  Must be something about daylight savings time..."  Before he could finish his sleep, Westhaven was snoring.

This wasn't news to ER nurse Sharon Carter.  "We see the same thing every year.  Folks falling down stairs, sticking their hands the toasters, spilling hot coffee all over themselves.  Doesn't anyone ever think to go to bed an hour early?  I'm going to write my congressman, or someone, so that the government put out some kind of alerts that if people would just go to bed early it will be easier to adjust to daylight savings time ...."  But at the utterance of those words, Carter fell into a deep slumber.

"Tough Language" for Tough Times

January 16, 2018

Somewhere in the West Wing

Washington, DC

Kelly:  Okay, we all know why we're here.  We've got to get ahead of this story on what happened and what was said in that Immigration meeting with the Congressional leaders.

Trump: You mean when I called Africa a bunch of shi....

Kelly:  Sir!  We agreed you weren't going to say that word ever again.

Trump:  Okay, but I still don't see the big deal, they're a bunch of shi ....

Kelly:  Sir!!!

Trump:  Heh-heh-heh, got you!

Kelly:  Yes, you did, sir. [Muttering] Moron.  Okay, to recap, we tried to go with a quasi-denial, saying that although the President did not say those specific words, that "tough" language was used, but that did not go over very well.  This just led to more questions about exactly what that language was.  Then we tried floating the idea that the President actually said "shithouse countries," not "shithole countries..."

Trump:  Heh-heh, you said it!

Kelly:  [Deep breath] ... to give our friends who "couldn't remember" hearing that word some cover, but this did not go over much better.  Turns out that shithouse sounds as bad as shithole.

Miller:  How about shiplap?

Kelly:  What's that?

Miller:  Shiplap.  You know, exposed rough-sawn boarding.  Don't you ever watch home improvement shows?  It's shiplap this and shiplap that.  It's supposed to give a room a certain rustic look.

Kelly:  Okay, how does that help us here?

Miller:  What if we say that the President called the nations of Africa "shiplap countries?"  That might mean he seems them as solidly built while still authentic.

Kelly:  Hey, that's not bad.  And since the President has a background in construction, he would know all about shipflap, not like those city liberals who couldn't tell ...

Miller:  Shiplap, no "f."  Ship-lap.

Kelly:  Whatever.  Mr. President, have you ever heard of ship... ship-lap?

Trump:  Heh-heh, you said it again!

Kelly:  Don't worry, we'll work on it.  Get Sanders in here!

Oh Thank Heaven ...

January 10, 2018

Somewhere near you, USA

- Sir, I am afraid you cannot come in.  This 7-11 will be closed until we're through.

- What is this, some kind of raid?

- I'm afraid I cannot comment on that.  Well, you look okay --- I guess you could call it a raid.

- Wow, so they finally sent someone out.  I don't believe it!

- Sir?

- I've been complaining about this place for years.  I assumed that no one cared.  But you're here!

- In that case, sir, would you mind answering a few questions.

- Sure, anything to help.

- Okay.  So what can you tell us about Jamma Barre?

- Who? 

- Jamma Barre.  He works here.  (Shows a picture.)

- Oh, Jimbo!  Sure.  He told me I could never pronounce his name correctly so I call him Jimbo.

- Know him well?

- Pretty well, I guess.  We talk 3 or 4 times a week.

- Do you know how long Mr. Barre has been in the country?

- You got me there.  I know it's been a couple of years since he got his citizenship.

- Excuse me, did you say citizenship?

- That's right.

- He's a United States citizen?

- Yep.

- Are you sure?

- I wasn't there, but he showed me pictures of the swearing in.

- Okay, let's forget about Mr. Barre.  How about Syed Jinnah?

- Can't help you there.

- This guy.  (Shows a picture.)

- Oh, you mean Sid.  Helluva a guy. 

- Well, do you have any reason to consider Mr. Jinnah, I mean "Sid," a threat to our country?

- Sid?  Of course not, but then again, he is a Yankee fan, he-he-he.  

- So Mr. Jinnah is a baseball fan?

- Not just baseball, any sport, it's all he talks about.  Say, how come all these questions about the workers?  When are we going to talk about the egg roll?

- The egg roll?

- That's right, the egg roll.  The egg roll that was so old and crusty that it pulled out my crown!  

- The egg roll?

- Come on, I sent in a picture of my tooth stuck in the egg roll.  You must have seen it.  I don't blame Jimbo and Sid, I'm sure it's the higher ups who won't let them throw out the food, but I thought you guys could do something.

- Egg roll?  No, I'm sorry, sir, we can't help you with that.  You'll need to move along now.

- Wait, aren't you from the Health Department?

- No, sir, and you'll need to move along.

- Well, then who are you?

- Immigration, sir.  Again, I need to ask you to ... (turns) Fred!! Don't eat that!!!

Other Revelations from the Wolff Book

While press coverage of Michael Wolff's behind-the-scenes account of the Trump White House has focused primarily on Steve Bannon's stunning characterization of a meeting between the Trump campaign and a Russian government-connected attorney as "treasonous" and on Bannon's other indelicate remarks about the Trump family, other revelations from the book about the President are sure to raise eyebrows:

Phone Envy - "Everyone thinks we had to ban phones in the White House to prevent leaks, but actually it was because whenever the President saw someone else with their phone he would throw a tantrum because he was sure it was better than his."

He thinks Tiffany is the Smart One - "God knows we have had a lot of turnover here, and we've had to learn how to deal with it.  For example, we learned that when we suggest names for some new position we needed to include a brief on why his daughter Tiffany would not make a strong candidate.  We've learned further that rather than focus on her lack of training and experience the explanation should stress how she would find the position boring." 

His Greatest Ambition is to get Joe Namath's Autograph - "He's a New Yorker, I get it.  1968.  The Guarantee.  But he's just obsessed.  One day he went on and on about how he'd love Joe Namath's autograph, so Jared says, 'you're the President, why don't you just invite him to the White House?'  Suddenly, he gets all flustered -- he turns even more orange, starts fidgeting with his collar, and mutters nervously, 'Just invite him?  I'm sure he's busy, even wanted to come.  Do you think he wants to come?'"

Briefs - "As in Depends." 

Is in Negotiations for a Cabinet-version of "The Apprentice" - "Why do you think he picked Ben Carson and Betsy DeVos?  Competence?  He just thinks it would be great TV to see them team up for some new wacky assignment every week."

Blames Putin for being elected - "You should hear him sometimes, 'Everything was falling into place.  I'd get O'Reilly's slot to say whatever I want, get paid a fortune, and only have to work an hour a day.  But those stupid Russians wouldn't given up.  I told them, just make it close!'"  

Casey to Resign from Senate over Farah Fawcett poster

Senator Bob Casey (D-PA) sent shockwaves through Washington when his office issued the following statement on Monday:

It is with great shame and humility that I acknowledge that when I was a college undergraduate I had a poster of Farrah Fawcett on my wall -- the one in the red bathing suit.  I wish I could say that I purchased the poster to honor Ms. Fawcett’s talent as an actress, or to celebrate the woman-affirming energy she brought to her role on Charlie’s Angels.  But I must be honest: I saw the poster primarily as an object of my unreasonable expectations of what a sexually attractive woman should look like.  Moreover, when male friends visited my room I sometimes invited them to focus and comment on particular body parts and to speculate what they might do if Ms. Fawcett were to invite them into her bedroom.

Since then, I have tried to be a stalwart voice for women’s rights and empowerment, but I now realize that my past makes it impossible for me to continue in that role.  Therefore, I immediately announce my resignation from the United States Senate.  I will continue to try to make amends for my past transgressions.

Asked to comment on Casey’s resignation, Senator Claire McCaskill (D-MO) replied, “Really?  A poster?  What’s the big deal?”

Shocker! Donald Trump Jr. is actually son of Vladimir Putin

In a stunning turn of developments, Special Counsel Robert Mueller announced today that his office's investigation has uncovered that the person we have come to know as Donald Trump, Jr., the eldest son of President Donald Trump, is actually the son of Russian President Vladimir Putin.  "This was a decades old plot hatched in the old Soviet Union.  Putin's child was inserted into the Trump household soon after birth."

Reporter: How did you ever learn this?
Mueller: Something always bothered us about that infamous meeting with the Russian attorney.  Manafort is sure that he hear Trump Jr. tell her as he was walking out, 'Tell Papa I'm ready to come home.'  We spent a lot of time trying to figure out what this could mean.  Once we decided it wasn't a code, it was just some good old detective work.
Reporter: But this is unbelievable, how did they manage to convince President Trump that this baby was his?  Was he in on it?  Was Ivana Trump part of the plot?
Mueller: We haven't worked out all the details, but we have DNA evidence that Vladimir Putin and the man we have known as Donald Trump, Jr., are father and son.
Reporter: Are you saying you got Putin's DNA?  How did you pull that off?
Mueller: Let's just say that you don't spend so much time with no shirt on without leaving some DNA around.

At her daily press briefing, White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders downplayed the impact of the news.  "The American people are tired of hearing about Russia this and Russia that.  They're more concerned with getting a tax break and building a wall on the US-Mexican border."

Reporter: Does the President acknowledge the veracity of the story?
Sanders: President Trump does not dispute the DNA evidence.
Reporter: And this is the first he knew of this?
Sanders: That's right.
Reporter: So wouldn't that mean that one day somebody pushed a baby in front of him and said it was his and he believed it?  Wouldn't he have noticed that his wife was never pregnant, then suddenly had a child?
Sanders: The American people did not elect Donald Trump by an historic margin because he's an attentive husband, or father, or president.   No more questions!