September 12, 2024
Palm Beach - Moscow
Trump: Vlad, are you there?
Putin: Of course, Donald.
I’m sorry you had to wait on hold for so long, but you know, that pesky
war in Ukraine is still going on.
Trump: [Angrily] Of course I know! Did you see how during the debate I said
exactly what you told me to say?
Putin: You did well, Donald.
Trump: [Dejectedly] I’m glad you think so, but you’re
probably the only one.
Putin: What do you mean, Donald? You were great. You – how do you Americans say? – wiped the
floor with her.
Trump: Oh yeah, then why is everyone saying that Harris won
the debate?
Putin: Do you mean all those silly journalists and their ‘polls’? Why take them seriously?
Trump: Not just them.
Even my son, um, um, …
Putin: Barron?
Trump: Yeah – how come I can never remember that? Well, even Barron laughed at me when I came
home.
Putin: Listen, Donald, you must trust me. Do you trust me?
Trump: Of course, Vlad.
Putin: I hear that Harris wants another debate. You should do it.
Trump: But all my advisers are telling me ….
Putin: I’m sorry, your ‘advisers’?
Trump: I know that you are my best adviser,
Vlad. But you know, it would really help
if you would just let me know once and for all what our end game is.
Putin: Donald, listen.
What if during the next debate one of those snooty journalists asks you
if we have some secret plan. I want you
to be able to say, ‘of course not, and you’re a horrible journalist for asking
this question.’
Trump: You’re right, as always. Gee, I wish I was as smart as you with this
stuff. Sometimes I don’t know if I can
keep going.
Putin: Donald, listen.
I was just saying to my friends, ‘what would you think about letting
some Western real estate mogul build a hotel inside the Kremlin?’ and they
think it’s a great idea.
Trump: Inside the Kremlin!
I’m a real estate mogul! At
least I think I still have my company.
I’m your man, Vlad. I’ll do
whatever you say. And Vlad?
Putin: Yes, Donald.
Trump: I still think it’s really cool that you let me call
you Vlad.
Putin: I know, Donald.
[BOTH HANG UP]
Trump: [To advisers] Get, Karma, Karamel, um…, um…, whatever
her name is! Get her on the phone and tell
her we’re on!
