Assad in Kursk

December 9, 2024
Press Room – Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs
Moscow, Russian Federation

Reporter: Can you confirm that President Assad and his family are in Moscow?
[Spokeswoman Maria] Zakharova: No, I cannot confirm that because it is not true.
Reporter: What?  But his plane ….
Zakharova: [Laughing] Yes, it is true that when the CIA and Israeli band of criminals threatened his life in Syria, the Russian Federation extended a warm welcome to our good friend President Bashar Assad and his family.
Reporter: So he is in Moscow?
Zakharova: No, he arrived in Moscow but immediately declared to President Putin that as a man of action he wants to be of service to his Russian friends, so he demanded an urgent assignment, no matter how dangerous.
Reporter: Bashar Assad said this?  The same Bashar Assad who hasn’t been seen in public for 10 years and fled Damascus when the rebels were hundreds of miles away?
Zakharova: Yes, he said this. And he will confirm that when – or if – he returns to Moscow.
Reporter: What?  "If he returns"? Where is he now?
Zakharova: His exact location is a secret, but I can tell you that he is leading a team of commandos that will soon help liberate Kursk province from fascist occupation as part of the special military operation.
Reporter: Bashar Assad?  But he has no practical military training or experience.
Zakharova: President Putin is confident that Corporal, I mean, President Assad’s leadership skills will prove invaluable.
Reporter: Has he seen action yet?
Zakharova: No, there is still a language barrier.
Reporter: You mean he is working on his Russian?
Zakharova: Yes …. And Korean.
Reporter: This is unbelievable.  Isn’t President Putin afraid something will happen to him?
Zakharova: Of course, that’s why he has warned the Ukrainian fascists not to aim one of their highly accurate American missiles at the compound 3.27 kilometers southeast of Zorino where our air defenses are temporarily disabled.  [Puts hands to lips] Oops.  Please don’t print that.

Trump-Putin: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 8)

September 12, 2024
Palm Beach - Moscow 

Trump: Vlad, are you there?
Putin: Of course, Donald.  I’m sorry you had to wait on hold for so long, but you know, that pesky war in Ukraine is still going on.
Trump: [Angrily] Of course I know!  Did you see how during the debate I said exactly what you told me to say?
Putin: You did well, Donald.
Trump: [Dejectedly] I’m glad you think so, but you’re probably the only one.
Putin: What do you mean, Donald?  You were great.  You – how do you Americans say? – wiped the floor with her.
Trump: Oh yeah, then why is everyone saying that Harris won the debate?
Putin: Do you mean all those silly journalists and their ‘polls’?  Why take them seriously?
Trump: Not just them.  Even my son, um, um, …
Putin: Barron?
Trump: Yeah – how come I can never remember that?  Well, even Barron laughed at me when I came home.
Putin: Listen, Donald, you must trust me.  Do you trust me?
Trump: Of course, Vlad.
Putin: I hear that Harris wants another debate.  You should do it. 
Trump: But all my advisers are telling me ….
Putin: I’m sorry, your ‘advisers’?
Trump: I know that you are my best adviser, Vlad.  But you know, it would really help if you would just let me know once and for all what our end game is.
Putin: Donald, listen.  What if during the next debate one of those snooty journalists asks you if we have some secret plan.  I want you to be able to say, ‘of course not, and you’re a horrible journalist for asking this question.’
Trump: You’re right, as always.  Gee, I wish I was as smart as you with this stuff.  Sometimes I don’t know if I can keep going.
Putin: Donald, listen.  I was just saying to my friends, ‘what would you think about letting some Western real estate mogul build a hotel inside the Kremlin?’ and they think it’s a great idea.
Trump: Inside the Kremlin!  I’m a real estate mogul!  At least I think I still have my company.  I’m your man, Vlad.  I’ll do whatever you say.  And Vlad?
Putin: Yes, Donald. 
Trump: I still think it’s really cool that you let me call you Vlad.
Putin: I know, Donald.
[BOTH HANG UP]
Trump: [To advisers] Get, Karma, Karamel, um…, um…, whatever her name is!  Get her on the phone and tell her we’re on!

Post-Trial at Trump Towers

Trump Towers – Manhattan, NY
May 30, 2024

[Barron Trump walks into the kitchen and sees his mother and father]
BT: What’s he doing here?  I thought you said that …
MT: [Nervous laughter] Good news, son.  It turns out that in this country they don’t send you to jail right away when they find you guilty of a crime.
DT: That’s right, …. um …., champ, I mean ….
BT: Barron.  My name is Barron. 
DT: That’s right, Barron, you’re not getting rid of your dear dad that easily.
BT: Whatever.  I’m going back to my room.  I just wanted to tell you that I’m finished packing, mom.
DT: Packing?  Where’s he going?
MT: [More nervous laughter] Who knows?  Kids, right?
DT: Okay.  And come to think of it, where were you today?  I thought you said that you were going to be there for support.
MT: I was having my hair trimmed.  How was I supposed to know those people were going to find you guilty 34 times so fast?  [Stifles a giggle] You must not have had very good lawyers.
DT: Tell me about it.  None of them wanted to listen to me.
[They get up and walk into the next room]
DT: [Alarmed] Melania!  What are all these boxes doing here?  Are these from the golf club?  I told you that we have to keep these hidden in case the FBI comes snooping around.
MT: No, Donald.  These are not those boxes you have hidden in the kitchen at the club.  These are … um … well….
DT: Hey, didn’t there used to be a lot of art and stuff hanging on the walls?  And why couldn’t I find a spoon in the kitchen?  Wait a minute, are you planning on moving?
MT: Well, sweetheart, with you being in jail and everything, I decided to talk to a realtor, and he told me there’s a great market right now, so I thought I would just….
DT: Cut and run.  Isn’t that great.  Well I guess you didn’t read your prenup too closely or else you would know that if anything happens to me this place goes to …
MT: Ivanka.
DT: That’s right, Ivanka.  And I’m sure she would never …
MT: No, I mean Ivanka just walked in.
IT: Hi Melania, what’s he doing here?

The Barron Graduates

West Palm Beach, Florida
May 17, 2024

DT: How long is it going to be before our boy comes out?
MT: Look at your program!
DT: But they’re listed by first name, and …
MT: BARRON! Your son is about to graduate from high school but you still can’t remember his name!
DT: I knew I shouldn’t leave it to you to pick his name.  I would have picked a name easy for me to remember, like …
MT: You already have a son named Donald.  You can’t have two sons with the same name.
DT: Okay, what about …
MT: Eric?  Taken.  In case you’ve forgotten him, he’s sitting two rows behind us.
DT: [Turns and waves]  Okay, but what kind of name is Barron anyway?  I mean, is it popular in Sl…, Slaw…, Slew…, geez, this is embarrassing.
MT: I am from Slovenia. Slo-ven-i-a.  And no, Barron is not Slovenian.  I just thought it sounded classy, like he has a title.
DT: Who told you it was spelled with 2 r’s?
MT: You mean it’s not?!  That little !@#$ daughter of yours told me it was 2 r's. She even wrote it down so I wouldn't forget!
DT: Now dear, Ivanka is the brain in the family.  Maybe this is like, what’s it called, an alternative spelling.
MT:  That !@#$!  I remember now how she would always hold him and say, “he’s almost royalty,” then start laughing.   
DT: Come to think of it, where is my little prince…, I mean, Ivanka?
MT: She said she couldn’t make it.  I think she was making fun of me again because she said something about a ‘flea bargain.’