Assad in Kursk

December 9, 2024
Press Room – Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs
Moscow, Russian Federation

Reporter: Can you confirm that President Assad and his family are in Moscow?
[Spokeswoman Maria] Zakharova: No, I cannot confirm that because it is not true.
Reporter: What?  But his plane ….
Zakharova: [Laughing] Yes, it is true that when the CIA and Israeli band of criminals threatened his life in Syria, the Russian Federation extended a warm welcome to our good friend President Bashar Assad and his family.
Reporter: So he is in Moscow?
Zakharova: No, he arrived in Moscow but immediately declared to President Putin that as a man of action he wants to be of service to his Russian friends, so he demanded an urgent assignment, no matter how dangerous.
Reporter: Bashar Assad said this?  The same Bashar Assad who hasn’t been seen in public for 10 years and fled Damascus when the rebels were hundreds of miles away?
Zakharova: Yes, he said this. And he will confirm that when – or if – he returns to Moscow.
Reporter: What?  "If he returns"? Where is he now?
Zakharova: His exact location is a secret, but I can tell you that he is leading a team of commandos that will soon help liberate Kursk province from fascist occupation as part of the special military operation.
Reporter: Bashar Assad?  But he has no practical military training or experience.
Zakharova: President Putin is confident that Corporal, I mean, President Assad’s leadership skills will prove invaluable.
Reporter: Has he seen action yet?
Zakharova: No, there is still a language barrier.
Reporter: You mean he is working on his Russian?
Zakharova: Yes …. And Korean.
Reporter: This is unbelievable.  Isn’t President Putin afraid something will happen to him?
Zakharova: Of course, that’s why he has warned the Ukrainian fascists not to aim one of their highly accurate American missiles at the compound 3.27 kilometers southeast of Zorino where our air defenses are temporarily disabled.  [Puts hands to lips] Oops.  Please don’t print that.

Trump-Putin: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 8)

September 12, 2024
Palm Beach - Moscow 

Trump: Vlad, are you there?
Putin: Of course, Donald.  I’m sorry you had to wait on hold for so long, but you know, that pesky war in Ukraine is still going on.
Trump: [Angrily] Of course I know!  Did you see how during the debate I said exactly what you told me to say?
Putin: You did well, Donald.
Trump: [Dejectedly] I’m glad you think so, but you’re probably the only one.
Putin: What do you mean, Donald?  You were great.  You – how do you Americans say? – wiped the floor with her.
Trump: Oh yeah, then why is everyone saying that Harris won the debate?
Putin: Do you mean all those silly journalists and their ‘polls’?  Why take them seriously?
Trump: Not just them.  Even my son, um, um, …
Putin: Barron?
Trump: Yeah – how come I can never remember that?  Well, even Barron laughed at me when I came home.
Putin: Listen, Donald, you must trust me.  Do you trust me?
Trump: Of course, Vlad.
Putin: I hear that Harris wants another debate.  You should do it. 
Trump: But all my advisers are telling me ….
Putin: I’m sorry, your ‘advisers’?
Trump: I know that you are my best adviser, Vlad.  But you know, it would really help if you would just let me know once and for all what our end game is.
Putin: Donald, listen.  What if during the next debate one of those snooty journalists asks you if we have some secret plan.  I want you to be able to say, ‘of course not, and you’re a horrible journalist for asking this question.’
Trump: You’re right, as always.  Gee, I wish I was as smart as you with this stuff.  Sometimes I don’t know if I can keep going.
Putin: Donald, listen.  I was just saying to my friends, ‘what would you think about letting some Western real estate mogul build a hotel inside the Kremlin?’ and they think it’s a great idea.
Trump: Inside the Kremlin!  I’m a real estate mogul!  At least I think I still have my company.  I’m your man, Vlad.  I’ll do whatever you say.  And Vlad?
Putin: Yes, Donald. 
Trump: I still think it’s really cool that you let me call you Vlad.
Putin: I know, Donald.
[BOTH HANG UP]
Trump: [To advisers] Get, Karma, Karamel, um…, um…, whatever her name is!  Get her on the phone and tell her we’re on!

Post-Trial at Trump Towers

Trump Towers – Manhattan, NY
May 30, 2024

[Barron Trump walks into the kitchen and sees his mother and father]
BT: What’s he doing here?  I thought you said that …
MT: [Nervous laughter] Good news, son.  It turns out that in this country they don’t send you to jail right away when they find you guilty of a crime.
DT: That’s right, …. um …., champ, I mean ….
BT: Barron.  My name is Barron. 
DT: That’s right, Barron, you’re not getting rid of your dear dad that easily.
BT: Whatever.  I’m going back to my room.  I just wanted to tell you that I’m finished packing, mom.
DT: Packing?  Where’s he going?
MT: [More nervous laughter] Who knows?  Kids, right?
DT: Okay.  And come to think of it, where were you today?  I thought you said that you were going to be there for support.
MT: I was having my hair trimmed.  How was I supposed to know those people were going to find you guilty 34 times so fast?  [Stifles a giggle] You must not have had very good lawyers.
DT: Tell me about it.  None of them wanted to listen to me.
[They get up and walk into the next room]
DT: [Alarmed] Melania!  What are all these boxes doing here?  Are these from the golf club?  I told you that we have to keep these hidden in case the FBI comes snooping around.
MT: No, Donald.  These are not those boxes you have hidden in the kitchen at the club.  These are … um … well….
DT: Hey, didn’t there used to be a lot of art and stuff hanging on the walls?  And why couldn’t I find a spoon in the kitchen?  Wait a minute, are you planning on moving?
MT: Well, sweetheart, with you being in jail and everything, I decided to talk to a realtor, and he told me there’s a great market right now, so I thought I would just….
DT: Cut and run.  Isn’t that great.  Well I guess you didn’t read your prenup too closely or else you would know that if anything happens to me this place goes to …
MT: Ivanka.
DT: That’s right, Ivanka.  And I’m sure she would never …
MT: No, I mean Ivanka just walked in.
IT: Hi Melania, what’s he doing here?

The Barron Graduates

West Palm Beach, Florida
May 17, 2024

DT: How long is it going to be before our boy comes out?
MT: Look at your program!
DT: But they’re listed by first name, and …
MT: BARRON! Your son is about to graduate from high school but you still can’t remember his name!
DT: I knew I shouldn’t leave it to you to pick his name.  I would have picked a name easy for me to remember, like …
MT: You already have a son named Donald.  You can’t have two sons with the same name.
DT: Okay, what about …
MT: Eric?  Taken.  In case you’ve forgotten him, he’s sitting two rows behind us.
DT: [Turns and waves]  Okay, but what kind of name is Barron anyway?  I mean, is it popular in Sl…, Slaw…, Slew…, geez, this is embarrassing.
MT: I am from Slovenia. Slo-ven-i-a.  And no, Barron is not Slovenian.  I just thought it sounded classy, like he has a title.
DT: Who told you it was spelled with 2 r’s?
MT: You mean it’s not?!  That little !@#$ daughter of yours told me it was 2 r's. She even wrote it down so I wouldn't forget!
DT: Now dear, Ivanka is the brain in the family.  Maybe this is like, what’s it called, an alternative spelling.
MT:  That !@#$!  I remember now how she would always hold him and say, “he’s almost royalty,” then start laughing.   
DT: Come to think of it, where is my little prince…, I mean, Ivanka?
MT: She said she couldn’t make it.  I think she was making fun of me again because she said something about a ‘flea bargain.’  

Marjorie Taylor Greene, Author

Palm Springs, Florida
December 16, 2023

Trump: Enjoying yourself?
MTG: Like always!!!  Thanks again for finding us a room for the weekend.
Trump: I’m always happy to show my appreciation for your loyalty.
MTG: You can count on that, Mr. Trump, or should I say, President Trump.
Trump: I was just wondering if you might be more comfortable in the library, Marjorie … or should I say, Professor Greene?
MTG: [Putting hand to mouth] Oh my God, do you want me to leave?  Did I eat too much shrimp?  The sign says “All You Can Eat”!
Trump: [Chuckling]  Don’t worry about that.  When you pay $79.95 for a brunch buffet I’m not going to count the shrimp.  The thing is, I was talking to Sean last night …
MTG: [Yells] Hannity is the man! Woo!
Trump: [Smiling] That he is.  But as I was saying, Sean tells me that you read a book.
MTG: What?  No!!  I think you heard him wrong.
Trump: Now, Marjorie, don’t get sore, I won’t tell anyone that you’re one of those poindexters who reads books.
MTG: Seriously. I think what he told you was that I wrote a book, not read a book.  I wrote a book.
Trump: Forget the shrimp, now I’m starting to wonder how many mimosas you’ve put away.  You wrote a book?
MTG: Yup.
Trump: But to write a book, didn’t you have to read a whole lot of books?
MTG: [Snorts] Um, how many books did you read before you ‘wrote’ The Art of the Deal?
Trump: Oh yeah, good point.  
MTG: By the way, I’ve got a whole box of them in the the trunk of my car.  Maybe I could sign a copy for the library here?
Trump: That would be great.  Maybe my son, um …. wait …. don’t tell me …. um ….
MTG: Barron.
Trump: Why can’t I remember that?  Well, maybe Barron could write a book report on it for school.  At least, I think he’s still in school.
MTG: And sir, these run for $29.95, so I was wondering if when you calculate our bill you could … 
Trump: No can do, Marjorie.  You know I’d like to, but I bet if I gave you a break on your bill then Sleepy Joe would have some new prosecutor breathing down my neck.
MTG: Really?  I thought we made up all that stuff about …
Trump: [Sternly] I said, no can do.
MTG: [Dejectedly] Okay, I’ll go get the book. [Walks away]
Trump: [To passing attendant] Hey, pal.  Show my guest to the library when she gets back, she’s going to leave us a gift.
Porter: I’m sorry, sir, did you say the library?  
Trump: Yeah, where we keep all the books and stuff.  Don’t tell me we don’t have a library?
Porter: Sir, I thought you would remember when we were trying to find a place to store all your ….
Trump: [Panicked] Shut up about the … [whispering] boxes. [Looks around nervously]
[MTG returns with book]
Trump: You know, Marjorie, I think I am just going to give the book to 'Barron' -- if that's his real name -- as a Christmas gift. 
MTG: That would be an honor, sir.
Trump: So I guess that means I should pay you for it, but [pretends to pat jacket pockets] I don’t seem to have my wallet on me so I’ll have to get you later.
MTG: Sir, you didn’t try your pants pockets.
Trump: [Sternly] I said, I’ll have to get you later.  Now enjoy the shrimp.

The Trump Legal Team

 

Mar-A-Lago, Florida
September 1, 2023

[Two men in suits enter a banquet room where dozens are seated at tables]
Attorney 1: Ladies and, um, I guess there are only gentlemen here.  I hope you enjoyed the buffet, but now it’s time to get to business.  Thank you for coming in on short notice, but as you know, our client has a trial – actually, a series of trials – coming up, which means we need to settle on a winning defense strategy now.  Unfortunately, because several members of Mr. Trump’s legal team have decided to leave his employ and several others are, um, facing indictment or disbarment, we have had to assemble this group on the fly, but I’m sure if we put our heads together, we can make this happen.
Attorney 2: Given that Mr. Trump is facing several different charges on several different fronts …
Voice from the room: They won’t leave the poor man alone!
Attorney 2: … be that as it may, I thought it best if we tackle each case differently.  So then, let’s look at the Federal charges.  First, we have the documents case.  As I am sure you all know, these charges are being brought under the …
Voice from the room: It’s a crock.  It’s all because of that drug-addict maniac Smith guy got orders from Sleepy Joe Biden to ….
[Laughter and shouts of agreement.]
Attorney 1: Hold on there, sir.  I think it best if we try to keep our discussion limited to the legal dimensions.  Whatever our opinions might be of Mr. Smith, we need to fashion a strategy that addresses the [clears throat] quite impressive arguments and evidence in the indictment.  So, I think we might begin by looking at …
Voice from the room:  But it’s all lies!  Those are personal papers.  Those corrupt Bidens just know that President Trump will beat them – again – in 2024.
[Loud shouts of agreement.]
Attorney 1:  As I said, our discussion here should focus on the letter of the law.  Now during discovery we are hoping to see if …
Voice from the room: Discovery?  As soon as we “discover” the addresses of a couple of jurors we’ll have nothing to worry about.
[Cheering and chanting from the room]
Attorney 2: That would be highly illegal Mr. …, I’m afraid I don’t recognize you, sir.
Attendee: Peter Holland, at President Trump’s service.
Attorney 2: And what firm are you with, Mr. Holland?
Attendee: Holland’s Pool Patrol.
Attorney 1: I’m sorry, did you say Holland’s Pool Patrol?  You mean you are not an attorney?
Attendee:  Well, not in the way that, well, no.  But when I met President Trump Junior …
Attorney 2:  Do you mean Mr. Trump’s son?
Attendee: Yessiree. Well, I met him when I was cleaning his pool and we got to talking about how those woke Washington swamp rats keep going after President Trump and he said, ‘Pete, you’re just the kind of guy my father needs on his defense team.’  Next thing I know, I got an invitation to this meeting.
Attorney 1: Thank you, we appreciate your devotion to Mr. Trump, but, unfortunately, given the legal complexities, we only need input from those who actually understand legal complexities.
Attendee: But ….
Attorney 1: Sit, please.  Now then, given the, um, [shakes head] very impressive arguments and evidence in the indictment, I wonder if we should pursue some kind of settlement.  What if we were to offer …
Voice from the room: Would you mind standin’ up?
Attorney 1: Excuse me?
Attendee 2: You heard me.  I said, would you mind standin’ up?  I see the jacket and tie, but I was wondering if you’re wearing a tutu because only some little girl would suggest giving up instead of fighting this bullshit charge like a man!
[Boisterous yells from the room]
Attorney 1: [nervously] I see, and you would be …
Attendee 2: K.P. Darnell.  Patriot.  Ready for action – not all this squawking.
Attorney 1: Mr. Darnell – let me say that’s quite a belt buckle – are you an attorney, by chance?
Attendee 2: Are you kidding? How can a hard-working white guy like me get into elite law school with all those woke quotas and tests?  [Nods of agreement throughout room.]  I won this trip for contributing 6 months in a row to President Trump’s Defense Fund.  That’s what I told the guy out front and he showed me in here.
Attorney 2: Okay, show of hands: is anyone here an attorney?  Anyone?  Or paralegal?  Or watched a lot of Law and Order?
[Nervous looks – no one raises their hand]
Attorney 2: In that case, if you gentlemen would excuse my colleague and me, you can get back to the buffet.  Oh look, more shrimp.
[Attorneys leave room while all others rush to the buffet table]
Attorney 1: We knew this wouldn’t be easy.  Say, just how did you end up as a counsel to Mr. Trump?
Attorney 2: My our managing partner is an old friend of Trump.  We drew straws and guess who lost. You?
Attorney 1: I was afraid you might recognize me.  Season 5?
Attorney 2: The Apprentice!  I thought you looked familiar.  I didn’t know that you were a lawyer.
Attorney 1: I wasn’t, then.  After I won the contest, in addition to signing an NDA they made me take this lifetime loyalty oath. 
Attorney 2: Seriously?!
Attorney 1: Yep.  Even had to get down on my knees.  I thought it was just for show but then I got a call a couple of months ago from the big guy himself that started “I hear you finished Yale Law.  I need you fast.”
Attorney 2: Wow, that’s a great story.  Tell me, have you been …
Attorney 1: Paid?  No.  Funny how everyone around here gets tight-lipped when I ask about my fee.
Attorney 2: It would take a pretty big check to make this worth it.  We told our kids, 2 and 5, that Daddy stole a lot of money so now he’s hiding.  Somehow that sounded better than, you know, this.
Together: I need a drink.

Trump's New Man in Moscow

Mar-a-Lago, Fl – Moscow, Russia

June 24, 2023 – 5:00 pm US EDT

Putin: Donald, I’m a little busy, what do you need?

Trump: [Breezily] Me? I don’t need a thing.

Putin: Then why are you calling?

Trump: [Nonchalant] Oh, just to say goodbye.

Putin: You sound strange, Donald.  Are you going somewhere?

Trump: Me?  I’m not going anywhere – at least not until my next court date.  But this might be our last conversation so I just wanted to say goodbye.

Putin: Well, okay then, I am sorry that you are not going to try to stick to the plan to the end.

Trump: [Snapping] Don’t try to play me, Vlad – and by the way, I still think it’s so cool that you let me call you Vlad.  I heard that you’re on your way out.  Was that part of your little “plan” I’ve heard so much about?  As soon as I get this Wagner guy’s number, I’ll let him know he's got a friend in Donald J. Trump.

Putin: Who?

Trump: [Mockingly] Who? Don’t play dumb, Vlad.  I know that this guy Wagner is leading his army to Moscow to throw you out, so I guess he’s the guy I need to be dealing with.

Putin: First of all, Donald, I think the guy you have in mind is Yevgenii Prigozhin.  He just called his little army the Vag-ner Group because he’s an opera nut.  Second, if you followed the news you’d know that …

Trump: [Interrupting] Hold on, Vlad. [Turns around putting hands over phone] Did you get the guy’s number, Junior?

Trump Jr: [Whispering] Not yet, Dad.

Trump: Well, check Vagner – I think we’ve been spelling it wrong.  [Back on line] You still there, Vlad.  I know you think you’re so smart but you just gave me a great tip. [Banging on door in the background] What the …

Putin: What’s going on there, Donald?  The FBI again?

Voices in background: [Screaming] Wait!  Stop!

Trump: Sorry, Vlad.  I might have to deal with this.  It’s been fun.  But once this Wagner, sorry, Vagner, gets things moving, maybe you can stay at my hotel in Moscow -- if you can afford it. 

[Hangs up]

Mar-a-Lago

Aide: [Catching breath] Sir, you didn’t say all those things did you?

Trump: Yeah, and did you hear that "if you can afford it"?  What a burn! 

Trump Jr: Good one, Dad.

Aide: [Shouting] What?  Nooo! Everything has changed!  You’ve got to turn on the news because ….

Trump: You deal with this, Junior.  I’ve got a tee time.

Moscow

Aide: So, do we block his calls from now on?

Putin: No, this will be good.