Trump: How is the Drone Pilot?

White House Situation Room

June 20, 2019

Trump:  These chairs are great!  I don’t know why we don’t come down here more often.

Aide:  I explained, sir.  We only use this room when there is some pressing national security issue.

Trump:  Like the border crisis?

[Laughter from both]

Trump:  So tell me, how is the pilot?

Aide:  Sir?

Trump:  The pilot who the Iranians shot down, how is he doing?  Find out if he’s married.  It would be great PR if we could get a tape of me calling her, telling her what a patriot her husband is.  

Aide:  I thought you understood, it was a drone that was shot down.

Trump:  Drone, Phantom, Tomahawk, Bullfrog.  You can’t expect me to keep up with all those funny names we have for our planes.

Aide:  Actually, sir, a drone is an unmanned device.  Technically, there is a pilot, but he – or she – is hundreds of miles away.  He – or she – is probably home in bed right now.

Trump:  But I saw the wreckage!  I think I know what you’re talking about.  We got the boy, um, Melania’s kid, um …

Aide:  Barron?

Trump:  Yeah, we got him one of those for Christmas.  It’s a dinky little thing.

Aide:  Well, sir.  Military drones are considerably more sophisticated, and larger.

Trump:  Geez, maybe I shouldn’t have ordered those air strikes.

Aide: Those what!!!

Trump:  Funny, Bibi, told me it sounded like a good idea.

Aide [Speaking to another Aide]:  Get me the Joint Chiefs on the phone, now!!!

Sarah Sanders Ready to Lie in the Private Sector

Washington, DC
June 14, 2019

Reporter: Thank you for taking the time to speak with us, Mrs. Sanders.

Sanders: My pleasure.  It has been my honor to defend the work of President Donald Trump against the America-hating socialist jackals who dominate the so-called “mainstream media,” but now I’m ready for new challenges.

Reporter: I’m sorry, but do you really think they are socialists?

Sanders: I’m not the first person to say it.

Reporter: But … never mind, so what you be doing now?

Sanders: I have to think of my family, and I have learned that there are a lot of opportunities in the private sector for spokespersons ready to take a stand, even if it isn’t popular with the politically correct crowds in Washington, DC, or with the smarty pants professors who think their big degrees make them so smart, or with elitist journalists and their “fact checkers.”

Reporter: It so happens that President Trump still owns a large company that bears his name.  Any chance that you we could see you introduced as new spokesperson for the Trump Organization

Sanders: That would be an honor, but I am proud to say that I have accepted a position with Purdue Pharmaceuticals.  I will be helping them fight all those ridiculous accusations about how they helped cause the opioid epidemic.  Crazy, huh?

Reporter: Well, to be fair, didn’t Purdue Pharmaceuticals’ reckless marketing of Oxycontin in the 1990s contribute to the problem?

Sanders: Don’t tell me you’ve fallen for that fake news?  It’s just like how after the election it was “Russia this” and “Russia that.” 

Reporter: Hasn’t your new employer already lost some major lawsuits?

Sanders: We look forward to the appeals process.  In the meantime, the American people – not a few liberal judges – deserve to know how hard the good people at Purdue Pharmaceuticals have worked to come up with this miracle drug that can ease just about any pain with no side effects.

Reporter: What about addiction?

Sanders: I’m not a doctor, but I’ve already talked with a lot of people who tell me that with Oxycontin they feel no pain.  That sounds like a win to me.

Reporter: It sounds like you are already enjoying your new job.

Sanders: I’d be lying if I said I didn’t.

Mueller Cannot Give Clear Order for Breakfast

Overheard in a local diner

Washington, DC

May 29, 2019

[Robert S.] Mueller [III]:  Can you tell me about your breakfast specials?

Waitress:  Sure, hon.  We have four specials today: Number 1 is a bacon and eggs with toast; Number 2 is French toast; Number 3 is a Western omelet; and Number 4 is oatmeal with raisins or blueberries.  They’re all $4.99, unless you want to add a side.   So what’ll it be?

Mueller:  They all sound really good.  But my doctor says I need to eat healthier, and I have to do what my doctor says.

Waitress:  I’m no doctor, but it sounds like you are saying you want the oatmeal.  Number 4.

Mueller:  Bacon and eggs?  I know that’s bad for my cholesterol. 

Waitress:  So, you want the oatmeal?

Mueller:  And French toast?  Sounds too rich.

Waitress:  Why don’t you just let me bring you the oatmeal?  We don’t add any sugar.

Mueller:  And what’s in the Western omelet?

Waitress:  That’s a 3-egg omelet with ham, green peppers, and onion.

Mueller:  Ouch!  That’s not only bad for my cholesterol, but there’s the acid reflux.

Waitress:  Okay.  I can bring you the oatmeal if you want.  All you have to do is tell me "I want the oatmeal."

Mueller:  It’s not what I want.  But like I said, according to my doctor, I need to eat healthier.

Waitress:  Look, mister, from all that you said is seems clear that you want the oatmeal.  Is that right?

Mueller:  Didn’t you hear what I told you?  What I want doesn't matter; it's what my doctor will allow.  There should be no more questions.

Waitress:  Well I have one.  What do you want for lunch?

Mueller:  Huh?

Waitress:  We just stopped selling breakfast.  

Citing Executive Privilege, Trump Refuses to Sign Son's Report Card

May 7, 2019

Potomac, MD

Administrators at St. Andrew’s Episcopal School were flummoxed when the parents of one of their students refused to sign his 3^rd Quarter Progress Report:

“It’s not that odd that parents forget to sign the report, but this is the first time I’ve heard a parent invoke Executive Privilege.”

“How does this involve Executive Privilege?”

“I asked, of course, but, um ..., the parent, was rather adamant that he would not discuss it further.”

“Just to be clear, 'the parent' we are talking about is President Donald Trump, correct?”

“The parent was also rather adamant that I not mention his name.  He was rather graphic about what might happen if I did.  Then handed the phone to his wife and said, ‘here, it’s about the boy.’”

“And was she more helpful?”

“It sounded like she wanted to be, but she ended up saying, ‘I cannot sign it because of that thing Donald said.’”

“So it was President Trump.”

[Gulps] “There are a lot men named Donald.”

“Okay.  Did Barron, or 'the student,’ get bad grades?”

“Actually, we do not give out students ‘grades.’  Our students’ progress is indicated primarily with emojis.  We just want parents to sign it to keep them involved.”

“So what now?  Are you going to appeal this?”

“Appeal?  It’s a report card, it’s not like we are going to make a Federal case out of this.”

Putin: I Feel Vindicated

Moscow, Russian Federation

April 19, 2019

As might be expected, the release of the Mueller Report was met with great expectation in the offices of the President of the Russian Federation Vladimir Putin.  We had an opportunity to speak with one of President Putin’s advisors.

-        So, the Mueller Report is finally public.  Tell me, is President Putin happy?

-        More than happy.  Ecstatic.  I have not seen him like this in a long time.

-        Really?  Many Americans think the report portrays Russia in a bad light.  Why is President Putin so happy?

-        To understand, you have to remember that before he became President, Vladimir Vladimirovich had a long career in counterintelligence.

-        I hadn’t forgotten, but go on.

-        Okay.  So the worst thing about that job, besides having to meet contacts at all hours of the night in disgusting places, is that you never get credit for your work.  You could say – how do you Americans put it – it comes with the territory, but it still gets frustrating.

-        And what does that have to do with the Mueller Report?

-        Didn’t you read it?  It is basically a testimonial to the Russian intelligence services.

-        And he is happy with that?

-        Oh, yes.  Ever since your Mr. Barr made his announcement that there would be no charges and Mr. Trump has been tweeting “No collusion” every 5 minutes, people around the world have started to doubt that Russia really helped Mr. Trump win the election.

-        And how do you know this?

-        Just last week, Frau Merkel called to apologize for doubting him.  It was humiliating.

-        But now?

-        Now, he feels – how do you Americans put it? – ah yes, vindicated.  Totally vindicated.

-        But you told me a few minutes ago that Mr. Putin was a little anxious about the report.  Why was that?

-        He was afraid that your Mr. Barr was going to edit out all the good stuff.

-        And he didn’t.

-        Well, let’s not say all the good stuff.

Trump: The "new" Notre Dame Will Have Condominiums

Paris, France

April 15, 2019

Aide:  President Macron, I am afraid that I have some more bad news.  Mr. Trump is on the phone.

[Macron wearily gestures acknowledgement]

Trump: [Upbeat] Hello Emmanuel! 

Macron: Hello Donald.

Trump: Emmanuel, I saw all the pictures of your beautiful cathedral.  It’s just terrible.  To think, the place where Knute Rockne gave that beautiful speech, gone.

Macron: Wrong Notre Dame, Donald.  We’ve been through that before.

Trump: Oh yeah, right.  I forgot.  I’m just so torn up thinking about a distressed building sitting on that prime piece of real estate.

Macron: That’s an odd way of putting it, but thank you, Donald.  All of France is suffering.

Trump: Well, I want you and all of France to know that I’m here to help.

Macron: We appreciate the offer of assistance from the American government, Donald, but I assure you that France has ...

Trump: Government?  Who said anything about government?  You’re talking with Donald J. Trump.  The Building King!

Macron: Excuse me, Donald, I don’t understand.

Trump: Well, thanks to that whole Mueller thing my Moscow plans are in the toilet.  But now I’m thinking, a Trump Tower in Paris!  We did a little checking and we think we can just use the same blue prints.  I might need a favor or two on your zoning laws, but once that 73-story mixed-use beauty goes up you'll forget all about that old fire trap.

Macron: But we don't want to forget that old ... Donald, is this some kind of a joke, because ...

Trump: I know.  Great idea, right?

Macron:  I can't believe ...

Trump: Listen, I guess you’ll want to keep those old towers.  That might be a problem because usually we do knockdowns, but will just pass the costs into the management fees.

Macron: Donald, please stop, I ...

Trump: Wait, you haven’t heard the best part.  

Macron: I haven’t?

Trump: When people walk into Le Trump - I already have a name for it! - the first thing they will see is the Emmanuel Macron Coffee Shop.  I’ll write into the papers that they can’t re-sell the naming rights for 10 years.

Macron: No, Donald. [angrily] 

Trump: Okay, 15 years.  But in that case ...

Macron: No, Donald. [Louder] 

Trump: Oh, I forgot, you people call it a bistro.  Don’t worry, we’ll work out all those little details.

Macron: It’s not that, Donald. [Screaming]  It’s just ... [Hangs up phone and places face in hands]

[Back in Washington]

Eric: Dad, did he go for it?

Trump: Are you kidding, he's speechless!  And nice touch with that coffee shop idea.  I think that was the kicker.

Eric: Thanks, dad!

Trump: But remember, they call it a bistro.  He was really mad when I called it a coffee shop.

Eric: Sorry, dad.

[Back in Paris]

Aide: Mr. President, are you okay?

Macron: Yes, Charles, it has been a black day for France.

Aide: Well, the White House is on the phone again.

Macron: [Angrily] What is it this time, Donald?

Jared: President Macron?  Jared Kushner here.  I know that this has been a terrible day, but I want you to know that the Kushner Companies are here to help ...

Putin: Publish the Mueller Report Now!

Moscow
Russian Federation

April 4, 2019

Reports from Moscow indicate that President Vladimir Putin is quite upset with the delay in publishing the full text of the Mueller Report.  We had the chance to speak with one of his aides.

- Given the background, one might think that President Putin would want the Mueller Report to be suppressed.

- Not at all.  President Putin just wants to be sure that his staff get full credit for the important work they did in the 2016 election.  It’s a matter of pride.

- So you did interfere in the 2016 election?

- It’s all in the report.

- And you want this made known?

- The sooner, the better.

- But Attorney General Barr has made clear that he is going to take his time in publishing the report, and only after some major editing.

- Yes, this is upsetting.  When President Putin approved Mr. Barr the plan was that he would issue the report in full, then refuse to issue any indictments, even though the evidence is all laid out.  We are not sure if Mr. Trump or Mr. Barr has backed out.

- Wait a second?  Did you say that President Putin approved Robert Barr’s candidacy to be the Attorney General of the United States?  How could that be?

- What’s that word you use?  Oh yes, collusion.

- So what is President Putin going to do now?

- President Putin has been patient until now, but if Mr. Barr does not release the full report soon, let’s just say that Mr. Mueller did not see all the tapes from the Miss Universe Pageant.