Trump Finds an Ally on Border Policy

Oval Office

November 26, 2018

Aide:  And one more thing, Mr. President.

Trump:  (Visibly annoyed)  Okay, but make it quick, Jared is on his way with my Big Mac!

Aide:  Yes sir.  I am afraid it is disturbing news about a US citizen who was killed abroad.

Trump:  (Perks up)  Where?  Mexico?  Iran?  Some other shithole country?

Aide:  No sir.  The young man, John Chau, was attempting to enter North Sentinal Island illegally but unfortunately was killed on the beach  by ... ?

Trump:  (Interrupting)  So no visa?  No papers?  And they just killed him?

Aide:  That's about it.  Now, something we need to keep in mind ...

Trump:  (Invigorated)  Get me the ambassador on the phone, right now.

Aide:  Sir?

Trump:  Come one, snap snap.  I want to talk to our ambassador to North ... Central? ... Seagull?  What was the name of this place again?

Aide: North Sentinel Island.  And we don't have a diplomatic presence there sir, in fact ...

Trump:  Really?  Okay, can you get me the president on the line?  I want to congratulate him.

Aide:  President, sir?

Trump:  President, king, grand poobah, whatever it is they have on that North ... North ... you know what I'm talking about.

Aide:  As I've been trying to explain, sir, this is a small island that technically belongs to India, but is inhabited by a small indigenous tribe that has had almost no outside contact with the world.  Mr. Chau should have realized that they would ...

Trump:  These are my kind of people!  They defend their borders.  We've got to run with this -- let those liberal mambie-pambies know we're not the only ones ready to fight off invaders.

Aide:  Sir, you must realize that it is hard to draw a parallel between a primitive  tribe of a 100 people and the richest, most powerful country on the planet?

Trump:  (walking away from desk)  I think I just heard Jared walk in.  Tell Pompeo I want to go to this North ... um ... well, you know, and soon.  (Slams door.)

Venezuelan Delegation Visits Governor-Elect Kemp

November 7, 2018

Venezuelan official: We are here on behalf of el Presidente.  He has this problem, and for some reason, he thinks you can help him.

Kemp: Well heck, fellas, from what I hear your Presidente might be a little 'loco' (twirls index finger around ear), but I sure would like to help our neighbors.  What's his problem?

Venezuelan official: He has an election coming up.

Kemp: And?

Venezuelan official: He's not very popular.  No, it's more than that.  Everyone hates him -- his own mother hates him.  She said ...

Kemp: Okay, I get the picture, but I'm still not sure I understand the problem.

Venezuelan official: Don't you see?  How is he going to win the election if everyone hates him?

Kemp: How did he get elected in the first place?

Venezuelan official: It wasn't easy.  First, we had some people in all the polling stations who pointed out the people who voted for our opponent so the police could beat them up.  Then, when our opponents realized what was happening and started to protest, we had the army on the streets to protect the "sanctity of the election." (All chuckle.)  We only had to shoot a few people, then they all ran away.

Kemp: Badass! I like it.  So why can't you do it again?

Venezuelan official: We're not sure we have enough gas to move our troops.  And we're running out of bullets!

Kemp: I hear you.  Maybe you should just try what I did.  Do you know the places where your opponents live?

Venezuelan official: Yes.

Kemp: Okay, listen to this, just tell people who show up to vote in those places that their names aren't on the lists of eligible voters.

Venezuelan official: Oh no.  These are all Venezuelan citizens.  They all have the right to vote.

Kemp: But ... for some reason or another -- and you'll have to think of something good -- you had to cross their names of the list.

Venezuelan official: You mean, just lie to them?

Kemp: You can look at it that way, but it makes for better optics than gunning them down in the street.

Venezuelan official: Well, okay.  Thank you for the time, but I 'm not sure el Presidente will like this.  The right to vote is sacred to him.

WH: Body Slams? Okay. Bombs? No Way.

White House Briefing Room 

October 24, 2018

Question:  Sarah, does President Trump feel any personal responsibility for creating the political climate in which people think it's acceptable to send bombs to prominent public figures?

Sanders:  Of course not, why should he?

Question:  Well, for example, last week at a rally in Montana, didn't he praise Rep. Greg Gianforte for assaulting a correspondent from The Guardian?

Sanders:  Not at all.  President Trump was just proud that Rep. Gianforte shares the people of Montana's distrust for the media.

Question:  Sarah, the President specifically described how the Congressman "body slammed" the reporter, then said "he's my kind guy."

Sanders:  I think you are reading the President's comments too literally.  We say in the media all the time that "So-and-so slams so-and-so, or something-or-other."  I think that's what President Trump meant.

Question:  Sarah, you know that Congressman Gianforte pleaded guilty to misdemeanor assault and was required to take anger management training.

Sanders:  So it sounds like Congressman Gianforte has put this behind him, so maybe we should all move on.

Question:  Just so we are clear, the President unequivocally condemns the attempted attacks on President Obama, Secretary Clinton, and others?

Sanders:  Absolutely.  In fact, he personally called Attorney General Sessions and ordered him to investigate whether these parcels were sent by the caravan of terrorists, murderers, and rapists that is slowly advancing its way through Mexico to challenge our American way-of-life.

Question:  Sarah, how in the world would ...

Sanders:  Sorry, no more questions today.

WH: Trump Was Right About Khashoggi

The White House held an impromptu press briefing Friday evening in response to the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia's official announcement that Saudi national and Washington Post columnist Jamal Khashoggi died "in a fight" at the Saudi consulate in Istanbul.  This coming after two weeks of Saudi claims that Khashoggi had left the consulate alive on October 2.

In brief prepared remarks White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckleby Sanders expressed condolences to Mr. Khashoggi's family, then concluded, "Let the record show that one day after President Trump stated 'It appears that Mr. Khashoggi is dead,' his instincts were proven to be correct."  When confronted by the fact that most world leaders had come to the same conclusion two weeks ago Sanders responded, "This isn't a president who runs with the crowd."  When befuddled journalists asked just what that meant, Sanders pressed on:  "I'm just stating facts.  President Trump's instincts are infallible.  Whether it's a question of the wisdom of giving the richest Americans a huge tax cut, trusting know-it-all scientists about so-called global warming, risking a trade war with China, or recognizing the death of a journalist in the Saudi consulate in Istanbul, the American people -- real Americans -- can trust President Trump."

Asked if Mr. Khashoggi's death will affect US-Saudi relations, given the strong personal ties between Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman and presidential son-in-law Jared Kushner, Sanders replied, "It appears to President Trump that the Crown Prince will be cleared of any involvement in the assass,,., um, accidental death, so he does not see any reason why the US-Saudi partnership cannot move forward."

"Not Me": Mailroom Clerk Denies Being Author of NYT Editorial

The White House's frantic search for the "high ranking Administration" official who authored a blistering anonymous attack on President Donald Trump published in the New York Times has apparently eliminated White House aides and Secretarial appointments and descended on Lloyd Hawkins, known as "Hawk" to his colleagues, a GS-05 mailroom technician at the Department of Labor.  Hawkins expressed surprise at being stopped in the hallway by Secret Service agents to answer questions about the damning editorial.  Hawkins denied being the author of the editorial.  "Heck, to write that I'd have to use one of those stupid machines," pointing at a nearby computer.  "They gave up trying to train me on those things, so the guys here just write everything out for me."  A colleague nodded wearily in confirmation.  Asked if he considered himself to be "high ranking," Hawkins pointed with pride at his 20-year pin.  "Yes sir, just 10 more years until I'm out of here."  Hawkins claims not to bear any hostility to President Trump or the administration, "To tell you the truth, I thought that Obama fella was still president.  I guess I should read the paper more."

New White House Counsel Surrenders to FBI

Summoned to the White House to discuss his assumption of the role of head counsel, Paul Cipollone stopped at the FBI Washington Field Office to turn himself in.  When told that there are no standing Federal warrants for his arrest, Cipollone left his card "for when the inevitable happens."

Mike Pence Mysteriously Delaying Order For New Business Cards

Heard somewhere in the West Wing ...

General Kelly:  So, Helen, do we have all the forms for the new business cards?
WH Staffer:     All but one.
General Kelly: Don't tell me, the Vice President.
WH Staffer:     You've got it.  Believe me, sir, I've been reminding him whenever I see him.  I told him that we have to get these orders in right away so we can get a 20% discount.
General Kelly: And?
WH Staffer:     He keeps muttering something about how he just wants to be sure all the information was correct and how it would be a shame if something changed after he got his cards.