WH: Body Slams? Okay. Bombs? No Way.

White House Briefing Room 

October 24, 2018

Question:  Sarah, does President Trump feel any personal responsibility for creating the political climate in which people think it's acceptable to send bombs to prominent public figures?

Sanders:  Of course not, why should he?

Question:  Well, for example, last week at a rally in Montana, didn't he praise Rep. Greg Gianforte for assaulting a correspondent from The Guardian?

Sanders:  Not at all.  President Trump was just proud that Rep. Gianforte shares the people of Montana's distrust for the media.

Question:  Sarah, the President specifically described how the Congressman "body slammed" the reporter, then said "he's my kind guy."

Sanders:  I think you are reading the President's comments too literally.  We say in the media all the time that "So-and-so slams so-and-so, or something-or-other."  I think that's what President Trump meant.

Question:  Sarah, you know that Congressman Gianforte pleaded guilty to misdemeanor assault and was required to take anger management training.

Sanders:  So it sounds like Congressman Gianforte has put this behind him, so maybe we should all move on.

Question:  Just so we are clear, the President unequivocally condemns the attempted attacks on President Obama, Secretary Clinton, and others?

Sanders:  Absolutely.  In fact, he personally called Attorney General Sessions and ordered him to investigate whether these parcels were sent by the caravan of terrorists, murderers, and rapists that is slowly advancing its way through Mexico to challenge our American way-of-life.

Question:  Sarah, how in the world would ...

Sanders:  Sorry, no more questions today.

WH: Trump Was Right About Khashoggi

The White House held an impromptu press briefing Friday evening in response to the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia's official announcement that Saudi national and Washington Post columnist Jamal Khashoggi died "in a fight" at the Saudi consulate in Istanbul.  This coming after two weeks of Saudi claims that Khashoggi had left the consulate alive on October 2.

In brief prepared remarks White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckleby Sanders expressed condolences to Mr. Khashoggi's family, then concluded, "Let the record show that one day after President Trump stated 'It appears that Mr. Khashoggi is dead,' his instincts were proven to be correct."  When confronted by the fact that most world leaders had come to the same conclusion two weeks ago Sanders responded, "This isn't a president who runs with the crowd."  When befuddled journalists asked just what that meant, Sanders pressed on:  "I'm just stating facts.  President Trump's instincts are infallible.  Whether it's a question of the wisdom of giving the richest Americans a huge tax cut, trusting know-it-all scientists about so-called global warming, risking a trade war with China, or recognizing the death of a journalist in the Saudi consulate in Istanbul, the American people -- real Americans -- can trust President Trump."

Asked if Mr. Khashoggi's death will affect US-Saudi relations, given the strong personal ties between Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman and presidential son-in-law Jared Kushner, Sanders replied, "It appears to President Trump that the Crown Prince will be cleared of any involvement in the assass,,., um, accidental death, so he does not see any reason why the US-Saudi partnership cannot move forward."

"Not Me": Mailroom Clerk Denies Being Author of NYT Editorial

The White House's frantic search for the "high ranking Administration" official who authored a blistering anonymous attack on President Donald Trump published in the New York Times has apparently eliminated White House aides and Secretarial appointments and descended on Lloyd Hawkins, known as "Hawk" to his colleagues, a GS-05 mailroom technician at the Department of Labor.  Hawkins expressed surprise at being stopped in the hallway by Secret Service agents to answer questions about the damning editorial.  Hawkins denied being the author of the editorial.  "Heck, to write that I'd have to use one of those stupid machines," pointing at a nearby computer.  "They gave up trying to train me on those things, so the guys here just write everything out for me."  A colleague nodded wearily in confirmation.  Asked if he considered himself to be "high ranking," Hawkins pointed with pride at his 20-year pin.  "Yes sir, just 10 more years until I'm out of here."  Hawkins claims not to bear any hostility to President Trump or the administration, "To tell you the truth, I thought that Obama fella was still president.  I guess I should read the paper more."

New White House Counsel Surrenders to FBI

Summoned to the White House to discuss his assumption of the role of head counsel, Paul Cipollone stopped at the FBI Washington Field Office to turn himself in.  When told that there are no standing Federal warrants for his arrest, Cipollone left his card "for when the inevitable happens."

Mike Pence Mysteriously Delaying Order For New Business Cards

Heard somewhere in the West Wing ...

General Kelly:  So, Helen, do we have all the forms for the new business cards?
WH Staffer:     All but one.
General Kelly: Don't tell me, the Vice President.
WH Staffer:     You've got it.  Believe me, sir, I've been reminding him whenever I see him.  I told him that we have to get these orders in right away so we can get a 20% discount.
General Kelly: And?
WH Staffer:     He keeps muttering something about how he just wants to be sure all the information was correct and how it would be a shame if something changed after he got his cards.

The Cohen-Trump Tapes, Vol. 2

[Door opens]

Cohen: DTrump!  Why the long face?

Trump: I've got problems, huge problems, Mickey.

Cohen: Well, taking care of problems is what I do.  What can I do for you?

Trump: I think I figured out what the Russians have got on me.

Cohen: The Russians?  Don't worry, that girl will ...

Trump: Shhh!  I know you took care of her, it's something else.  Here.  [Muffled thumping sound]  Go ahead, open it.

[Ripping paper]

Cohen: It's a robe.  So, it's a robe?  A guy can't have a robe?

Trump: Read the emblem.

Cohen: Hotel Metropol - Moscow.  I still don't get it.

Trump: Listen.  When I am in hotels I always feel like I own the place, and I usually do, so I don't think much about taking a towel, a robe, 'frisking' the maid [vulgar laughter], if you catch my drift.

Cohen: So?

Trump: So, when I was in Moscow for the Miss Universe pageant a few years ago -- hey, do remember Miss Bulgaria? -- I stayed in this hotel for an overnight.  And when I was leaving, I may have, well, stolen this robe.  Hey, come on, feel how soft.

Cohen: Sure, it's soft, but I don't see how this can be such a problem.

Trump: Yeah, I figured, 'Hey, I'm Donald Fucking Trump, if I want a robe, then I'll take the robe.'  But then a few weeks later I got this.  Here, read it.

Cohen: [Reading] "Dear Mr. Trump, After your recent visit our cleaning staff could not find the robe that had been left for your use while a guest.  If you mistakenly placed the item in your luggage, please return it.  Otherwise, we will be compelled to charge you an additional ..."  Okay, so did you reply to this?

Trump: You're damn right I did!  Imagine, asking Donald Trump about a fucking robe!  I had my girl send them a letter denying that I took the robe and threatening to sue them into the stratosphere if I ever heard another word about it.

Cohen: And did you hear anything else?

Trump: Here.

Cohen: [Reading] "Dear Mr. Trump, We apologize for the misunderstanding.  We hope that you will consider staying at ..."  So they bought it! 

Trump: Maybe.  But what if there's a tape, like with the ... Shhhhh!

Cohen: So what do you need me to do?

Trump: Get rid of it.

Cohen: Get rid of what, the robe?

Trump: Of course!  Get rid of it!  I don't need to the wheres or hows, just get rid of it!

Cohen: But if there's a tape ...

Trump: No robe, no crime - that's how I see it.

Cohen: But aren't you just making it worse?  Couldn't you  ...

Trump: Get rid of it!

Cohen: Fine, consider it done.  I'll just ...

Trump: Shhh!  There, that's why I keep coming to you, Mickey.  Say hi to the missus.

[Door opens and closes]

Cohen: That was President-elect Donald Trump.  The date is January 8, 2017.  The time is 10:42 a.m.

Trump: Did I say "I do?"

An anonymous White House staffer has offered a stunning explanation for President Trump's dubious assertion that he "misspoke" when he sided with Russian President Vladimir Putin at their joint news conference on the question of whether Russia interfered in the 2016 US election. 

-        It's a trial balloon -- he wants to see how many people will buy it.

-        A trial balloon?  For what?

-        Well, what if at his impeachment trial ... please, we both know it's only a matter of when ... as I was saying, what if at his impeachment trial it turns out that he never swore to uphold the Constitution? 

-        But he took the oath of office.  The thousands of people who showed up for his inauguration heard it.

-        Thousands?  Don't you mean ... oh, never mind.  But what if he 'misspoke?'  What if he meant to say, 'I do not?'  How could you impeach him for violating the Constitution if he never swore to uphold the Constitution?

-        Are you kidding?  Who's going to believe that?    

-        That's what we're trying to find out.