Lyndon LaRouche Suddenly Mainstream

Loudon County, VA

As they gathered to plan yet another Quixotic presidential campaign, Lyndon LaRouche and his advisers were befuddled by the reality that they have been outflanked on the lunatic fringe of national politics.  In comparison with plans to arm schoolteachers, erect a giant border wall, and grant massive tax breaks to the wealthiest Americans, LaRouche's pet theories on global Judeo-Masonic conspiracy and connections between the British royal family and the international drug trade seem quite reasonable.  "Oh my God," exclaimed long-time adviser Fred Schiller, "Lyndon's now the center.  There was a time when we could put a guy in the median of a busy intersection with a sign that read 'Global Warming is phonier than Obama's birth certificate' and he would cause traffic jams, but now that this is in the GOP platform, all we get is shrugs."  

To adapt to this new reality, the LaRouche organization is reassessing its entire communications strategy.  Instead of deploying legions of emaciated youths in threadbare sweaters to hawk LaRouche literature on street corners, the LaRouche team will focus more on developing contacts with traditional party operatives in key primary states.  "Traditional, got to get used to that word," commented Schiller. They are also considering a new approach to the media that will involve arranging interviews rather than harassing journalists.   

"March for Our Lives" Thumbs Nose at Adults

Washington, DC

March 24, 2018

Students rallied across the nation on March 24 in "March for Our Lives" protests in dozens of cities.  Their message was clear:  Students should be safe from gun violence ... the rest of you are on your own.  As one of the many inspiring speakers in Washington, DC, put it, "We need to stand up to the NRA so that there will be no more mass school shootings.  Mass shootings should be restricted to post offices, industrial parks, night clubs, outdoor concerts, and other venues where most of the potential victims are past school-age!" This led to a spontaneous chant of "Adults suck!" from the primarily teenage crowd.  When asked if the rallies may be missing the larger problem of gun violence, organizer Mary DeWitt responded, "Hey, march for your own lives."

Tillerson lands new position as "Star Witness"

Freshly deposed Secretary of State Rex Tillerson gave some hints at his farewell news conference that he may not recede from public view just yet.  Addressing the challenges ahead, Tillerson noted, "It's in times of transition like this when you reconnect with old friends, or maybe even make new friends.  For example, I hear this Bob Mueller is a really nice fellow.  Any of you have his number?  Seriously, anyone?"  When the businessman-turned-statesman was asked what was the most important thing he's learned during his time in Washington, he responded cryptically, "Always get your immunity deal in writing."  His biggest regret:  "I never figured out why they call it Foggy Bottom."  In closing, Tillerson thanked the diplomatic corps present, and asked again, "Seriously, does anyone know Mueller's number?" before being pulled from the podium.

Source: Trump thought Kim was 'some Asian chick'

An anonymous White House aide reports that President Trump is privately fuming, having just learned that Kim Jong-Un is not a woman after the historic meeting with the North Korean leader was announced.

-        But this is incredible!  How could this have happened?

-        When the overture came from the South Koreans there was no one here with a high enough clearance to read and explain it to him, so he had to read it for himself.  His take was that a woman -- sorry, 'Asian chick,' named Kim wanted to hook up.  So he called his staff in and announced with a big smile, 'I'm going to see Kim!'  The press office thought we should run with it so there would be one day where lead story did not mention 'Mueller' or 'Stormy.'  By then it was too late.

-        How is it possible that he doesn't know the name of the North Korean leader? 

-        How is it possible? Why do you think he came up with 'Rocket Man'?  He could never remember his name.

-        Listen, I know he's, well, limited, but is he really that bad with names?

-        Are you kidding?  He still calls Eric and Barron 'champ.'

-        A lot is riding on this meeting.  Our allies there hope that we can come to some kind of understanding that will guarantee long-term security in the region.  Is the President going to be ready?

-        It's hard to say, but up until yesterday his main concern was how this would look to Melania.

Daylight Savings Mayhem

Across the country, rescue crews and emergency rooms were stretched to the limit trying to handle the rash of accidents and mishaps caused by daylight savings time-induced sleep disorder, a recently discovered condition whereby the mere mention of the words "daylight savings time" evokes a Pavlovian response in sufferers.  Waiting for his Nissan Stanza to be towed from a ditch near the George Washington Parkway in McLean, VA, 42-year old Russ Westhaven recalled, "I was on my way to church, feeling a little bit drowsy, when they mentioned daylight savings time on the radio and -- Boom! -- I was out like a light.  Next thing I knew, I my car was wedged between two spruce trees."  Westhaven added, "It's funny, last week I had to get up an hour early for a meeting and it was no big deal.  Must be something about daylight savings time..."  Before he could finish his sleep, Westhaven was snoring.

This wasn't news to ER nurse Sharon Carter.  "We see the same thing every year.  Folks falling down stairs, sticking their hands the toasters, spilling hot coffee all over themselves.  Doesn't anyone ever think to go to bed an hour early?  I'm going to write my congressman, or someone, so that the government put out some kind of alerts that if people would just go to bed early it will be easier to adjust to daylight savings time ...."  But at the utterance of those words, Carter fell into a deep slumber.

"Tough Language" for Tough Times

January 16, 2018

Somewhere in the West Wing

Washington, DC

Kelly:  Okay, we all know why we're here.  We've got to get ahead of this story on what happened and what was said in that Immigration meeting with the Congressional leaders.

Trump: You mean when I called Africa a bunch of shi....

Kelly:  Sir!  We agreed you weren't going to say that word ever again.

Trump:  Okay, but I still don't see the big deal, they're a bunch of shi ....

Kelly:  Sir!!!

Trump:  Heh-heh-heh, got you!

Kelly:  Yes, you did, sir. [Muttering] Moron.  Okay, to recap, we tried to go with a quasi-denial, saying that although the President did not say those specific words, that "tough" language was used, but that did not go over very well.  This just led to more questions about exactly what that language was.  Then we tried floating the idea that the President actually said "shithouse countries," not "shithole countries..."

Trump:  Heh-heh, you said it!

Kelly:  [Deep breath] ... to give our friends who "couldn't remember" hearing that word some cover, but this did not go over much better.  Turns out that shithouse sounds as bad as shithole.

Miller:  How about shiplap?

Kelly:  What's that?

Miller:  Shiplap.  You know, exposed rough-sawn boarding.  Don't you ever watch home improvement shows?  It's shiplap this and shiplap that.  It's supposed to give a room a certain rustic look.

Kelly:  Okay, how does that help us here?

Miller:  What if we say that the President called the nations of Africa "shiplap countries?"  That might mean he seems them as solidly built while still authentic.

Kelly:  Hey, that's not bad.  And since the President has a background in construction, he would know all about shipflap, not like those city liberals who couldn't tell ...

Miller:  Shiplap, no "f."  Ship-lap.

Kelly:  Whatever.  Mr. President, have you ever heard of ship... ship-lap?

Trump:  Heh-heh, you said it again!

Kelly:  Don't worry, we'll work on it.  Get Sanders in here!

Oh Thank Heaven ...

January 10, 2018

Somewhere near you, USA

- Sir, I am afraid you cannot come in.  This 7-11 will be closed until we're through.

- What is this, some kind of raid?

- I'm afraid I cannot comment on that.  Well, you look okay --- I guess you could call it a raid.

- Wow, so they finally sent someone out.  I don't believe it!

- Sir?

- I've been complaining about this place for years.  I assumed that no one cared.  But you're here!

- In that case, sir, would you mind answering a few questions.

- Sure, anything to help.

- Okay.  So what can you tell us about Jamma Barre?

- Who? 

- Jamma Barre.  He works here.  (Shows a picture.)

- Oh, Jimbo!  Sure.  He told me I could never pronounce his name correctly so I call him Jimbo.

- Know him well?

- Pretty well, I guess.  We talk 3 or 4 times a week.

- Do you know how long Mr. Barre has been in the country?

- You got me there.  I know it's been a couple of years since he got his citizenship.

- Excuse me, did you say citizenship?

- That's right.

- He's a United States citizen?

- Yep.

- Are you sure?

- I wasn't there, but he showed me pictures of the swearing in.

- Okay, let's forget about Mr. Barre.  How about Syed Jinnah?

- Can't help you there.

- This guy.  (Shows a picture.)

- Oh, you mean Sid.  Helluva a guy. 

- Well, do you have any reason to consider Mr. Jinnah, I mean "Sid," a threat to our country?

- Sid?  Of course not, but then again, he is a Yankee fan, he-he-he.  

- So Mr. Jinnah is a baseball fan?

- Not just baseball, any sport, it's all he talks about.  Say, how come all these questions about the workers?  When are we going to talk about the egg roll?

- The egg roll?

- That's right, the egg roll.  The egg roll that was so old and crusty that it pulled out my crown!  

- The egg roll?

- Come on, I sent in a picture of my tooth stuck in the egg roll.  You must have seen it.  I don't blame Jimbo and Sid, I'm sure it's the higher ups who won't let them throw out the food, but I thought you guys could do something.

- Egg roll?  No, I'm sorry, sir, we can't help you with that.  You'll need to move along now.

- Wait, aren't you from the Health Department?

- No, sir, and you'll need to move along.

- Well, then who are you?

- Immigration, sir.  Again, I need to ask you to ... (turns) Fred!! Don't eat that!!!