Russia? I thought you said Prussia!

U.S. President Donald Trump explained that his increasingly implausible denial of cooperation between his campaign and Russian state actors was the result of a misunderstanding.  "I swear, every time someone asked me about Russian interference in the campaign, I thought they were saying Prussian interference.  I mean, Prussia hasn't existed for like a thousand years, so of course I said it was ridiculous."  [Editor's note: Prussia ceased to exist as an sovereign state in 1871.]  When asked to clarify his ties with Russia, Trump responded, "See this? [pointing to his left pinkie]  This is about the only part of me not owned by or mortgaged to some Russian.  I can't take a crap without asking for Putin's permission."  Pressed further on whether there was a quid pro quo in which the Russians provided assistance in expectations of concessions from a Trump administration, Trump replied, "Are you kidding?  It's not as if I tried to hide it." 

Father of the Year

G20 Summit

Hamburg, Germany

July 7, 1017

IK:       Daddy

DT:      Yes, pumpkin.

IK:       Do you remember 1994?

DT:      Sure.

IK:       And do you remember ...?

DT:      Sweetheart, listen.  I have a lot of important meetings today, so maybe you could get to the point. 

IK:       Okay, it was April 1994, "Take Your Daughter To Work Day."  You were supposed to take me to a staff meeting where you were going to let me fire someone, but your wife at the time, wanted to go to Las Vegas, so that was that.

DT:      Yeah, I kind of remember that, but didn't I ... I thought I ... I made it up to you, right?

IK:       What you said was, "Some day, sweetheart I'll make it up to you, anything you want?"

DT:      Are you sure I never ...

IK:       Here's the deal.  I know you have that Partnership with Africa meeting coming up.

DT:      Yeah, can't wait. So?

IK:       I want to sit in your chair!

DT:      What? 

IK:       All you have to do is say you were busy for a minute.  But I just want to sit in your chair.  Long enough for them to take pictures.  Do you sit next to Trudeau?  Please tell me it isn't that Indian troll.

DT:      Honey.  How's this going to look?  I mean, people are already talking about how you're getting special treatment.

IK:       So now you're worried about what people are saying.  Look, Daddy, you owe me.  Either I get to sit in that chair or I swear I'll tell everyone about ...

DT:      Okay.  You win.  Five minutes, that's it.

IK:       Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!

Trump Was Expecting Putin To Be Taller

Hamburg, Germany

July 7, 2017

Donald Trump's long anticipated first meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin got off to an awkward start when Trump was temporarily stunned by his Russian counterpart's diminutive stature.  Ready to give Putin one of his now legendary shoulder socket-wrenching handshakes, Trump almost poked Putin in the eye with his outstretched hand, then overcompensated by almost kneeling down to even out their heights.  As he was helped back to his feet, Trump turned to his aides and asked "Is that really him?"  Although Putin's insecurity about his height is well known, Trump was not informed of this by his Russian affairs advisor who was hired on the strength of  a viral story on "hot" Russian women tennis players he penned in his previous post as Breitbart senior editor.  Hours after the meeting, Trump still seemed shaken, "It was so creepy.  I thought it had to be one of those midgets like in the Austin Powers movies.  I can't believe that's the guy who got me elected."

Trump Wants His Miles

As if the White House staff did not already have enough sensitive topics to tiptoe around, President Trump's first international trip has created another.  An anonymous source related, "Believe it or not, he thinks he should be earning frequent flyer miles.  Right after we took off from Andrews he calls over one of the Air Force stewards and tries to hand him a slip of paper.  The young man looked perplexed, so I thought I'd help out. 'Oh good,  do you know who I give my frequent flyer number to?'  I guess I looked just as puzzled, so he started to get mad. 'Doesn't anyone know what's going on here?  I didn't bother with all the domestic flights, but I'll bet I'm racking up some sweet mileage now.'  So I told him that I would get his number to the right person and walked away.  Then I came back and told him that he didn't need to worry about the next legs of the trip."  Asked if he is worried about the President becoming aware of the ruse, the aide replied, "As long as he doesn't start bragging on Twitter about how he's never going to have to pay for a flight for as long as he lives after he leaves office, I think I'll be okay."  But what about the President's next trip?  "I'm just going to roll the dice that there isn't going to be a 'next trip' or that if there is, I'll be long gone."  

A Gift from Vlad

The one bright spot in what has been a tumultuous week for President Trump was a gift from Russian President Vladimir Putin delivered by Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov in their now infamous private meeting.  "See this tie bar -- personally selected by Vlad.  Yeah, Vlad, I guess that's what his friends call him."  With that Mr. Trump looked down at his torso with clear pride and smiled wistfully.  "It's actually kind of plain, but it's the thought that counts.  Just look at this card he sent along.  'Dear Don, I hope that you like the tie bar and that you never take it off.  Vlad.  P.S.  Because if you do, I'll know right away!'  See, he drew a little smiley face here.  What class." "But Mr. President, aren't you worried that ..." "That I can't wear the same tie bar every day?  Funny, that's what [National Security Adviser Lt. Gen. H. R.] McMaster said too.  Who would have thought he cared about fashion?  But like I told him, this goes great with the dark suits and red ties I like.  I've worn it every moment since, at least when I'm not golfing.  Isn't that right?"   An aide sitting nearby confirmed this with a weary nod.  "I'm not even sure what it's made of.  When you run your finger on it feels like an alloy but it's a little heavy for a tie bar so I think it might be a real metal."

All 100 U.S. Senators Summoned to the White House for Time-Share Presentation

Senator John Barasso (R-WY) was a little confused by the much ballyhooed convocation of all 100 U.S. Senators for an unprecedented security briefing at the White House on Wednesday.  "We walk into the room, and there's not only Ivanka, but the President's elder children seated at the dais as well.  Everything started normally.  Some 3-Star from the Joint Chiefs of Staff got up and explained why we consider the strategic threat from North Korea to be so urgent -- I can't go into all the details.  But then, Donald Jr. stands up and interjects, 'But remember, those North Korean missiles only threaten the West Coast.'  I mean, after that we're all looking at each other wondering what the world is going on.  So after that, some Vice Admiral gets up to describe our assets in the region -- pretty sobering -- when Eric stands and announces, 'While those Hollywood types are shaking in their boots, how would you like to be relaxing here?'  Then, this huge screen appears behind the monitor that the military folks were using, showing images of a gentle tide rolling in on a sun drenched beach.  The next presentation was from State -- I know, right? -- on our diplomatic efforts.  But that huge screen in the backdrop kept rolling.  Soon it showed a view of a luxury hi-rise nestling behind palms trees with the sign, get this, Playa del Trump.  So, I'm thinking, sure this is kind of over-the-top, but who says national security and business can't mix?  The guy from State finally sits down, and Ivanka steps forward and tells us, 'I know you have been given a lot of information to take in, but here's one more thing to consider: 6-week packages for ocean-side suites at Playa del Trump are now going for $150,000.  If you don't act fast, you may live to regret it.'  There was a little grumbling, then Donald Jr. shouted out, 'For the first 20 Senators who sign up there's a 10% discount.  Just mention the code 'Doomsday2017' when you speak with our business agent.'"  When asked if he still thought this marriage of state and private business was acceptable, Senator  Barasso replied, "Can't talk now.  I need to run this by the Missus before I sign a contract." 

Volleyball Diplomacy

In a hallway around the corner from the Oval Office

Aide 1:  Hey, have you seen Mrs. Kushner?

Aide 2:  No, I'm not sure where she is.  Why?

Aide 1:  I was hoping she could talk to her father.

Aide 2:  Sounds important.  What's going on?

Aide 1:  I'll tell you what's going on.  He heard about that story in the Post that said how our satellite imagery seems to show the North Koreans playing volleyball at the nuclear test site.  So now he wants to send the US volleyball team to North Korea and challenge them to a match, teach them a lesson.

Aide 2:  What?  Come on.  Maybe he was kidding.  Don't you think he knows that ...

Aide 1:  ... that the US volleyball team isn't a government body?  That he can't order them into a hostile zone like they're military?  No, he doesn't know that.  He even said he wants the name of any players who are afraid to go so he can make sure they never play for the national team again.

Aide 2:  This is bad.  So what are you going to do?

Aide 1:  I was hoping that Ivanka, I mean, Mrs. Kushner, could explain it to him.  Unless you'd like to have stab at it.

Aide 2:  That's okay.  But we need to find her quick.

Aide 1:  You're telling me.  How long do think it will be before he notices this is gone?

Aide 2:  Oh my God!  Is that his phone?  How did you get that?

Aide 1:  I slipped it off the corner of his desk.  I had to think quick.  Do want him tweeting "I just ordered the US volleyball team to North Korea"? 

Aide 2:  That would be pretty bad.

(Shouting from the distance):  Hey, where's my phone?

Aide 1:  Gotta go.  I'll tell him I mistook it, or something.  Just find Ivanka, now!