NASA Scientist Enlisted to Review First Son's Homework

Paul Scott has endured some nervous moments since the election in November.  As lead scientist in the NASA office that analyzes satellite images of the earth, he has been at the center of controversy over the role of government agencies in studying climate change.  "We were basically shut down on January 22.  We come to work, and we still go through the motions, but were told not to publish anything until further notice.  I mean, we used to issue two or three briefings a day.  And we were always tweeting links to new images."  So it was strange last week when the acting division director called him in to say that he had an assignment straight from the White House.  "All Arvid knew was that they wanted me to review something.  So I'm thinking, do they want me to sign off on some statement that there's no reliable evidence for global warming?"  Later that day, a Secret Service agent arrived at NASA headquarters and escorted Scott into a private room.  "I could only open the envelope in front of him."  The envelope included one hand-written page, along with instructions not to mark the page but to note corrections using a sticky note -- the Secret Service agent promptly produced a pad.  "It took me a moment to figure out that this looked like a little kid's science homework.  There was this title 'Our Friends the Stars,' it was printed in pencil, and the writing was uneven.  I thought kids used computers these days!  But, it was just a pretty straightforward description of the solar system.  I just wrote a note about how, technically, these are planets, not stars, and explained how most astronomers no longer consider Uranus to be a planet, but other than that, gold star."   The Secret Service agent resealed the envelope and hurried out of the room, breaking into a full sprint in the hallway.  "I guess it was nice to feel useful, but I'd prefer it if they would just let us do our job."

Daily Intelligence Brief Now Includes First Lady's Country of Birth

An inside source divulged that President Trump's daily intelligence brief always begins with the phrase "Melania is from SLOVENIA."  According to the source, the President has frequently stumbled over this basic information of his wife's biography.  "The final straw was at a dinner for big RNC contributors and one guy let's on that he's from Savannah.  The president's eyes lit up and he says, 'Hey, that's where my wife's from too!  Melania!  Where are you?  You have to meet this guy!'  Needless to say, the First Lady was not happy."  On other occasions the president has identified his wife's birth country as Slovakia -- possibly mistaking it for the native country of one of his previous wives, Sardinia, and "Sylvania."  "Once he said Somalia, but even he caught himself on that one."  Another source confirmed the story and hinted that this is part the president's efforts to convince his wife to smile more.  "Now, if we could only get him to read it."

From the Annals of Patent Law

Dave?  It’s Scott.  Did I catch you at a bad time?  Great.  I had this really interesting case come in that I wanted to bounce off you.  Yeah, that’s right, an interesting patent case!  Okay, get this, the client wants to patent a number.  Have you ever heard of that?  No, it’s not part of any catchphrase, just a number.  Yes, I’ve heard of ’84 Lumber,’ that’s a number and a word.  This guy just wants a number, so that I guess everyone would have to pay him if the say that name in public.  No, it’s not like ‘Lebron23!’  Are you listening, just a number.  No, I don’t even know who this guy is, but he must have deep pockets because the firm has three partners researching this.  What number?  If it makes a difference – 45.

Strong Words Fail to Topple Trump

When local community college student Chris Hayes walked into “Writing Basics” class Tuesday morning he sensed that history was in the making.  “I just saw a headline on Huffington Post: ‘Bill Moyers destroys Trump on Immigration.’  Destroyed!  I mean it’s not like yesterday when he was owned by Jon Stewart and slammed by Amy Schumer.  Destroyed!  I just assumed that Trump would have to resign.”  Hayes would have followed the news during class but Professor Hawkins is a “real dick” about smart phones.  “So when I walked out a class I ran over to the TV in the lobby that always runs CNN.  I was sure they’d be live from the White House talking about when Pence – it’s Pence, right? – would become President.  Instead, there’s some story about flu shots.”  When asked what it was about Moyers’ comments that were so damaging, Hayes admitted he pretty much just reads the headlines.  “I guess I should get going to Psych.”

An Evening with the Spicers

"Hello, Mrs. Spicer, this is Mrs. Kroft, the principal at your son's school."
"Oh my, is something wrong?"
"I hope not, it's just that his behavior has been a little strange lately."
"Really?  How?"
"Well his teachers tell me that he has become disruptive.  If the teacher tells the class that 2+2=4, he will just yell out, 'no, it's 5.'  If the teacher tells them that the Declaration of Independence was issued in 1776, he will yell out, 'no, I'm sure it was earlier.'  It's becoming a real problem.  I'm sure it's just a phase, but I hope you will talk to him."
"You can count on it."
Mrs. Spicer puts down the phone and that moment hears her husband Sean walk in the door after a hard day at the White House.  She repeats what the principal told her and asks her husband to talk to her son.
Mr. Spicer goes to his son's room.
"Son, what's this I hear about you just yelling out in class while the teacher's talking, and that you said 2+2=5 and that the Declaration of Independence was not issued in 1776.  Is that true?"
"Yes, sir."
"How many times do I have to tell that you need to raise your hand before you speak in class?"
"It won't happen again, dad."
"Okay.  Good talk.  Let's eat."

Mystery of Low Inauguration Turnout Explained

As Washington smirked over photos of empty podiums during the inaugural parade and the Trump Administration invoked "alternative facts" to defend its crowd estimates, an unpleasant surprise awaited Melania Trump when she returned to her apartment in New York and found several large boxes in the foyer.  "Oh no, the invitations!  How could I have forgotten?"  In fact, in the weeks since the election the new First Lady rarely appeared outside Trump Towers because she was hard at work in her first duty as presidential spouse, personally addressing and stamping thousands of invitations to her husband's most loyal supporters around the country.  "Donald's in the hospitality business, so he knows how important the personal touch is.  And he always said I have nice penmanship.  I was sure I asked one of Donald's new assistants to drop them by the post office."  Here, Mrs. Trump nervously pointed at one of her husband's Secret Service detail.  She continued, in a whisper, "They're such snobs.  They think they're too good to accept a tip."

Bowling Green Man Can't Wait for TrumpCare

A Bowling Green (Ky.) man who asked to be identified as “Harvey” expressed relief at President-Elect Trump’s announcement that under his health insurance plan everyone would be covered.  “Oh that Donald, he took it down to the wire, but I’d knew he would come through.”  Harvey explained that he currently depends on an ACA-subsidized plan to cover the care and medication for his Hepatitis C.  “Thank God, Trump is getting rid of that Obamacare.  Man, I felt like a slave.  All those forms Cindy [Harvey’s wife] had to fill out, and the premiums, just shoot me.”  Harvey was unimpressed to learn that the cost of his medication alone cost over $100K.  Asked how much his premiums were, Harvey pled ignorance.  “Cindy writes all the checks.  She’s the quiet type, so she doesn’t complain too much, but I can tell they’re steep.”  Harvey was equally hard pressed to explain what makes him think the Trump plan will provide the same level of care at a lower price.  “You media types just don’t get it.  Donald Trump is a friend of the working man.  If he says health insurance for everyone, that means everyone will be able to afford it.”