White House Floats Idea of Partial Impeachment

19 January 2019

In a surprise last minute maneuver, White House negotiators offered a pathway for ending the partial government shutdown.

"We are prepared to insure that there will be no shutdown, but in return, we want assurances from Congress that there will only be partial impeachment.  For example, let's say that President Trump would no longer carry out the duties of Chief Executive, but still gets to live in the White House ... and still gets to fly on Air Force One!  That last one's important: the President was very clear that he will not back down on Air Force One.  He really likes Air Force One." 

"But does the constitution allow for a 'partial impeachment'?"

"Actually, this is something the President just came up with after someone explained why it will only be a 'partial' government shutdown.  It's still a work in progress."

Mulvaney Denies U.S. Citizenship

Minutes after receiving notification that he had been named interim White House Chief of Staff, current budget director Mick Mulvaney held an impromptu press conference where he made a startling announcement:

Mulvaney:  Although deeply honored by this appointment, it has come to my attention that I do not have legal status to work in the United States, so I will be self-deporting back to Ireland as soon as I can find a cheap flight.

Reporter:  Director, how can that be?  You were born and raised in this country.

Mulvaney:  That may be.  But I now know that when my great-grandparents first came to this country, they did not obtain proper immigrant visas beforehand.   Understand?  Illegal immigrants.  This great country that I had mistakenly grown up believing to be my own deserves to be protected from the likes of me.

Reporter:  But Mr. Mulvaney, this country has birthright citizenship.  That means you, your parents, your grandparents, were all legally US citizens.

Mulvaney:  I wish that were true.

Reporter:  But it is true!  Are you sure this isn’t a ploy just to get out of working in the Trump White House?

Mulvaney:  [Laughs nervously] I don’t know where you would get a crazy idea like that, no sirree.  If it were not for this unfortunate circumstance, there is nothing I would like more than to help President Trump implement his brilliant ideas.  But instead, I’ll be back in my homeland catching up with all the Mulvaneys in … um … wherever I can find Mulvaney’s in Ireland, which as you know, is separated from Washington by an ocean.

El Chapo Tapped to Design New Trump Tower

Attorneys for reputed Mexican druglord Joaquín "El Chapo" Guzmán were surprised, to say the least, when they received an overture from the Trump Organization to their client.  

"It was totally unsolicited.  They want to hire him as a consultant for their next building project.  To tell you the truth, it is a little cryptic.  Like this (reading): 'Given your known demand for luxurious accommodation under the most trying circumstances, we feel you are the perfect candidate to help design the next Trump Tower.'  And they have quotes around 'Tower.'  What do you think they're talking about?  And get this (reads on): 'The inhabitant -- that's right, not guest, or guests -- of our new facility will expect more than comfortable and elegant quarters: easy access and egress -- egress is underlined and in bold -- are our highest priority.'  And here's the kicker (continues):  'Again, we think you are the perfect man to help us in the design and construction of this project, you dig?'  That's right, it says 'You dig?'  Who talks like that anymore?''

"Has El Chapo been apprised of the offer?"

"Absolutely.  We had the letter translated and read to him.  Funny, he seemed to understand all the points that confused us."

"Is he considering it?"

"Of course, right now he's on trial for murder, so he's pretty focused on that, but he said he wants to see the Mueller report before making any commitments."

Trump Finds an Ally on Border Policy

Oval Office

November 26, 2018

Aide:  And one more thing, Mr. President.

Trump:  (Visibly annoyed)  Okay, but make it quick, Jared is on his way with my Big Mac!

Aide:  Yes sir.  I am afraid it is disturbing news about a US citizen who was killed abroad.

Trump:  (Perks up)  Where?  Mexico?  Iran?  Some other shithole country?

Aide:  No sir.  The young man, John Chau, was attempting to enter North Sentinal Island illegally but unfortunately was killed on the beach  by ... ?

Trump:  (Interrupting)  So no visa?  No papers?  And they just killed him?

Aide:  That's about it.  Now, something we need to keep in mind ...

Trump:  (Invigorated)  Get me the ambassador on the phone, right now.

Aide:  Sir?

Trump:  Come one, snap snap.  I want to talk to our ambassador to North ... Central? ... Seagull?  What was the name of this place again?

Aide: North Sentinel Island.  And we don't have a diplomatic presence there sir, in fact ...

Trump:  Really?  Okay, can you get me the president on the line?  I want to congratulate him.

Aide:  President, sir?

Trump:  President, king, grand poobah, whatever it is they have on that North ... North ... you know what I'm talking about.

Aide:  As I've been trying to explain, sir, this is a small island that technically belongs to India, but is inhabited by a small indigenous tribe that has had almost no outside contact with the world.  Mr. Chau should have realized that they would ...

Trump:  These are my kind of people!  They defend their borders.  We've got to run with this -- let those liberal mambie-pambies know we're not the only ones ready to fight off invaders.

Aide:  Sir, you must realize that it is hard to draw a parallel between a primitive  tribe of a 100 people and the richest, most powerful country on the planet?

Trump:  (walking away from desk)  I think I just heard Jared walk in.  Tell Pompeo I want to go to this North ... um ... well, you know, and soon.  (Slams door.)

Venezuelan Delegation Visits Governor-Elect Kemp

November 7, 2018

Venezuelan official: We are here on behalf of el Presidente.  He has this problem, and for some reason, he thinks you can help him.

Kemp: Well heck, fellas, from what I hear your Presidente might be a little 'loco' (twirls index finger around ear), but I sure would like to help our neighbors.  What's his problem?

Venezuelan official: He has an election coming up.

Kemp: And?

Venezuelan official: He's not very popular.  No, it's more than that.  Everyone hates him -- his own mother hates him.  She said ...

Kemp: Okay, I get the picture, but I'm still not sure I understand the problem.

Venezuelan official: Don't you see?  How is he going to win the election if everyone hates him?

Kemp: How did he get elected in the first place?

Venezuelan official: It wasn't easy.  First, we had some people in all the polling stations who pointed out the people who voted for our opponent so the police could beat them up.  Then, when our opponents realized what was happening and started to protest, we had the army on the streets to protect the "sanctity of the election." (All chuckle.)  We only had to shoot a few people, then they all ran away.

Kemp: Badass! I like it.  So why can't you do it again?

Venezuelan official: We're not sure we have enough gas to move our troops.  And we're running out of bullets!

Kemp: I hear you.  Maybe you should just try what I did.  Do you know the places where your opponents live?

Venezuelan official: Yes.

Kemp: Okay, listen to this, just tell people who show up to vote in those places that their names aren't on the lists of eligible voters.

Venezuelan official: Oh no.  These are all Venezuelan citizens.  They all have the right to vote.

Kemp: But ... for some reason or another -- and you'll have to think of something good -- you had to cross their names of the list.

Venezuelan official: You mean, just lie to them?

Kemp: You can look at it that way, but it makes for better optics than gunning them down in the street.

Venezuelan official: Well, okay.  Thank you for the time, but I 'm not sure el Presidente will like this.  The right to vote is sacred to him.

WH: Body Slams? Okay. Bombs? No Way.

White House Briefing Room 

October 24, 2018

Question:  Sarah, does President Trump feel any personal responsibility for creating the political climate in which people think it's acceptable to send bombs to prominent public figures?

Sanders:  Of course not, why should he?

Question:  Well, for example, last week at a rally in Montana, didn't he praise Rep. Greg Gianforte for assaulting a correspondent from The Guardian?

Sanders:  Not at all.  President Trump was just proud that Rep. Gianforte shares the people of Montana's distrust for the media.

Question:  Sarah, the President specifically described how the Congressman "body slammed" the reporter, then said "he's my kind guy."

Sanders:  I think you are reading the President's comments too literally.  We say in the media all the time that "So-and-so slams so-and-so, or something-or-other."  I think that's what President Trump meant.

Question:  Sarah, you know that Congressman Gianforte pleaded guilty to misdemeanor assault and was required to take anger management training.

Sanders:  So it sounds like Congressman Gianforte has put this behind him, so maybe we should all move on.

Question:  Just so we are clear, the President unequivocally condemns the attempted attacks on President Obama, Secretary Clinton, and others?

Sanders:  Absolutely.  In fact, he personally called Attorney General Sessions and ordered him to investigate whether these parcels were sent by the caravan of terrorists, murderers, and rapists that is slowly advancing its way through Mexico to challenge our American way-of-life.

Question:  Sarah, how in the world would ...

Sanders:  Sorry, no more questions today.

WH: Trump Was Right About Khashoggi

The White House held an impromptu press briefing Friday evening in response to the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia's official announcement that Saudi national and Washington Post columnist Jamal Khashoggi died "in a fight" at the Saudi consulate in Istanbul.  This coming after two weeks of Saudi claims that Khashoggi had left the consulate alive on October 2.

In brief prepared remarks White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckleby Sanders expressed condolences to Mr. Khashoggi's family, then concluded, "Let the record show that one day after President Trump stated 'It appears that Mr. Khashoggi is dead,' his instincts were proven to be correct."  When confronted by the fact that most world leaders had come to the same conclusion two weeks ago Sanders responded, "This isn't a president who runs with the crowd."  When befuddled journalists asked just what that meant, Sanders pressed on:  "I'm just stating facts.  President Trump's instincts are infallible.  Whether it's a question of the wisdom of giving the richest Americans a huge tax cut, trusting know-it-all scientists about so-called global warming, risking a trade war with China, or recognizing the death of a journalist in the Saudi consulate in Istanbul, the American people -- real Americans -- can trust President Trump."

Asked if Mr. Khashoggi's death will affect US-Saudi relations, given the strong personal ties between Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman and presidential son-in-law Jared Kushner, Sanders replied, "It appears to President Trump that the Crown Prince will be cleared of any involvement in the assass,,., um, accidental death, so he does not see any reason why the US-Saudi partnership cannot move forward."