The West Wing
November 13, 2019
Aide: Sir, it looks like this problem is not going to
go away like we had all hoped, so it is important that you master some basic
details about Ukraine.
Trump: I still don't understand why we even have an embassy there. It’s a fake country! Vlad says that …
Aide: [Nervous laughter] We have been over this, sir, President Putin’s
input on Ukraine may not be entirely helpful ... or accurate.
Trump: Heh-heh, bet you wouldn’t him that to his face.
Aide: Be that as it may, sir, you seem to be fixated
on the idea that Ukraine is part of Russia, so we have asked Professor Borissow,
who is an expert on Russian-Ukrainian history, to try to clarify the matter. Professor, please.
Professor: Well, President Trump, this is quite an
honor. You see, Ukraine’s historical
relationship to Russia is very complicated.
For example, both Russians and Ukrainians claim Kiev to be their
founding city. In 988 …
Trump: Bor-ing!
This is so boring! Let’s speed
things up, smart guy, aren’t Russians and Ukrainians the same?
Professor: No, sir.
Trump: You mean, they’re totally different?
Professor: No, sir.
Both Russians and Ukrainians are Slavic peoples. They are …
Trump: Like Ivana?
Professor: [Smiles]
Very good, sir. In fact, your former
wife is also a Slav.
Trump: Russian or Ukrainian?
Professor: Neither, sir. I believe your former wife is Czech. Czechs are a different Slavic nation. Similarly, the first lady is …
Trump: Melania is Ukrainian?
Professor: [Wipes brow] No, sir. Mrs. Trump is Slovenian, which is another one of
the Slavic nations.
Trump: [To aide]
This guy isn’t helping at all.
Couldn’t you just show me a map?
Aide: If you remember, sir, we tried that, but you just
kept staring and repeating, “God, Russia is fucking huge.”
Trump: Okay, so you say that Ukraine is a real
country.
Aide: Since 1990, sir.
Trump: Well, why don’t I have any hotels there?
Aide: Again, sir, I have no insights into your
business decisions.
Trump: And why should I care about all this again?
Aide: [Shouting] Because … [Regains composure]
Because, sir, the House of Representatives is opening impeachment proceedings
against you on the basis of a telephone call that you had with the Ukrainian
President. Therefore, you need to know
some basic information about …. Sir, please don’t walk out again!
Trump: [Hastily leaving room] I hate Ukraine!
Very good
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