Wednesday, July 25, 2018

The Cohen-Trump Tapes, Vol. 2


[Door opens]
Cohen: DTrump!  Why the long face?
Trump: I've got problems, huge problems, Mickey.
Cohen: Well, taking care of problems is what I do.  What can I do for you?
Trump: I think I figured out what the Russians have got on me.
Cohen: The Russians?  Don't worry, that girl will ...
Trump: Shhh!  I know you took care of her, it's something else.  Here.  [Muffled thumping sound]  Go ahead, open it.
[Ripping paper]
Cohen: It's a robe.  So, it's a robe?  A guy can't have a robe?
Trump: Read the emblem.
Cohen: Hotel Metropol - Moscow.  I still don't get it.
Trump: Listen.  When I am in hotels I always feel like I own the place, and I usually do, so I don't think much about taking a towel, a robe, 'frisking' the maid [vulgar laughter], if you catch my drift.
Cohen: So?
Trump: So, when I was in Moscow for the Miss Universe pageant a few years ago -- hey, do remember Miss Bulgaria? -- I stayed in this hotel for an overnight.  And when I was leaving, I may have, well, stolen this robe.  Hey, come on, feel how soft.
Cohen: Sure, it's soft, but I don't see how this can be such a problem.
Trump: Yeah, I figured, 'Hey, I'm Donald Fucking Trump, if I want a robe, then I'll take the robe.'  But then a few weeks later I got this.  Here, read it.
Cohen: [Reading] "Dear Mr. Trump, After your recent visit our cleaning staff could not find the robe that had been left for your use while a guest.  If you mistakenly placed the item in your luggage, please return it.  Otherwise, we will be compelled to charge you an additional ..."  Okay, so did you reply to this?
Trump: You're damn right I did!  Imagine, asking Donald Trump about a fucking robe!  I had my girl send them a letter denying that I took the robe and threatening to sue them into the stratosphere if I ever heard another word about it.
Cohen: And did you hear anything else?
Trump: Here.
Cohen: [Reading] "Dear Mr. Trump, We apologize for the misunderstanding.  We hope that you will consider staying at ..."  So they bought it! 
Trump: Maybe.  But what if there's a tape, like with the ... Shhhhh!
Cohen: So what do you need me to do?
Trump: Get rid of it.
Cohen: Get rid of what, the robe?
Trump: Of course!  Get rid of it!  I don't need to the wheres or hows, just get rid of it!
Cohen: But if there's a tape ...
Trump: No robe, no crime - that's how I see it.
Cohen: But aren't you just making it worse?  Couldn't you  ...
Trump: Get rid of it!
Cohen: Fine, consider it done.  I'll just ...
Trump: Shhh!  There, that's why I keep coming to you, Mickey.  Say hi to the missus.
[Door opens and closes]
Cohen: That was President-elect Donald Trump.  The date is January 8, 2017.  The time is 10:42 a.m.

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